Original subtitles

Fighting pool, fighting pool. One's a dog, but the other's cool.

A thing a web should have done. Find your girl, get her done. Watch out!

Sit on the fighting pool.

If a foot, they will bang her all night.

Touch it down, and you'll shit out of luck.

Fighting pool.

Spidey -poo, if you pop them, then you're a fool.

He's the wind from a thread.

We just love getting dead. Hey, man, when I send some hot pics, they're gonna

all out fancy.

Here comes Spidey -poo.

The library asked me to work a double night shift.

Are you sure that double shift didn't have blonde hair and a huge dent?

Was it something I said?

No, silly.

I had an audition and my alarm didn't go off.

Okay, another stupid audition.

What'd you say?

I said... I said great.

You know, you could always come with me for the new Deadpool movie.

Can you find Reynolds?

Well, I'd love to.

But I gotta...

I gotta finish a chemistry paper.

It's due tomorrow.

Bummer. Hey, Tiger.

You're such a bookworm.

How do I look?

Amazing.

After my audition, I'm gonna meet Alicia at the Village Village.

Should be done around four.

Do you think?

You bet.

Great. See you later, handsome.

with the jaw and turn the face toward the light. That is perfect.

Perfect. Can I help you?

Oh, uh, yes. Hi, I'm Mary Jane Watson.

I'm here to read for the role of Satana Hellstrom.

Sure.

Let me get your ID.

Thank you.

Here's some paperwork.

If you'll please fill that out and have a seat. I'll get back to you in a

minute.

Boss. Boss.

What? Action!

What? Are we over time?

No, we're not. Over time, I rented the theater for 26 hours.

This should be fine.

You scared the shit out of me, man.

What? Look, there's a young lady here who wants to read her role of Satan's

daughter. Oh, we already cast her to get drinking. She's perfect.

Yeah, well, I think we should take a look at her.

You know, I think the carpets match the drapes, you know what I mean?

Hmm.

I don't know. She kind of looks like a can of Jameswood right here, but sure.

We'll figure it out.

DP?

What's wrong? Everybody clear the stage!

Oh, great. You know,

being back here on the board reminds me of my early days in theater.

To be or not to be.

That is... the question.

James! James!

James, please clear the stage.

Yes, of course.

Good luck, Miss.

Watson. Mary Jane Watson.

Enchanté.

I'm James LeBleu, agent of the stars.

Pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

Do you have, um, Mr. Reynolds?

Mr.

Oh, yes, of course I do.

James, get off the fucking stage.

How many times do I have to say this?

Kitten has claws.

Thank you. Good luck. Call me.

Hi, everyone. My name is Mary Jane Watson.

People call me MJ.

I just want to say that this is truly an honor and a privilege. All right, let's

move it along, shall we? Yes, of course.

Will I be reading with Ryan?

I mean, I can totally read with a stand -in or even alone.

But, as you know, this scene does call for somewhat physical interaction with

Deadpool, and I thought maybe my character... Yes, Deadpool, Deadpool,

problem. You can read with Deadpool.

Wait! Please come back to the stage.

Wayne. Of course.

Method. Never be character.

Wayne!

Sorry. Sorry. I was just pinching it all over the thing.

Can I take my shoes off real quick?

Sorry. Sure.

Yeah.

Alright.

Alright.

And... Action!

Actually, I'm sorry. One more thing.

Would it be possible for me to just go by in the curtain and come out?

Sure.

At last, my love, we are reunited.

Our lives can begin to intertwine once again.

Fine.

Oh, you and I have much in common.

Oh, you and I have much in common. You see, we

are both...

Darkness, but together we can call with soul.

Heart that lovers, so they can touch us all together.

Take your hand and lay it on my bosom.

He needs to feel the closeness.

All right, let me ask you something.

If you were to be cast in this role, are you willing to shave your head, gain 40

pounds, and get a face tattoo?

What?

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

All right, we'll let you know.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Good luck.

Yes,

Tommy, I understand.

Yes.

And you tell that Zendaya to stop blowing up my phone already.

I'm not one of those dime -a -dozen CAA agents.

I'm James LeBlow, damn it.

Show me some respect.

I'm so sorry, Tommy.

It's my blood sugar.

Hey there.

Hi. You know, I have to tell you.

I thought you were acting really, really good.

Really?

Yeah, really. It made my balls feel all warm and fuzzy.

Oh my god, Ryan, you're hilarious.

Ryan?

Hey, um, I don't mean to, like, fangirl, um, but I know we're probably going to

end up working together anyway.

I was wondering if I could get your autograph.

I've been a fan for, like, such a long time.

I even used to have that Wilder poster in my dorm room.

Uh, yeah.

No problem at all. Say, do you have a piece of paper?

Or do you want me to sign your boobies?

Yes, please.

Okay,

I'll get it.

Face it, Tiger.

You just hit the jackpot.

Oh, what's your name again?

Oh, whatever. Who gives a fuck?

You're just the red devil.

You're perfect for this role.

Oh, yeah.

Satan's daughter, here we come.

That's right.

What are you doing?

Here's the question.

For the love of God, we cannot do this anymore.

Remember what happened to Weinstein?

You know, I always told Harv, I said, this whole massage thing, I mean,

You're fat, you're ugly.

Oh, not again.

You're welcome.

Again.

Now, where were we?

Yes.

What's your name?

Mary Jane Watson. Oh, fuck. Mary Jane Watson. Oh, my

God.

Oh, my God.

oh yeah oh yeah

Yes. Yes.

Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness.

Oh, my God.

Yes. Oh my god.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, my God.

That's so good.

That's very Mary Jane.

Oh, my God. Oh,

yes, yes, yes.

Oh shit.

You're freaky.

You know where this mask has been.

Hmm.

um

Oh.

Come on, Ian.

Come on.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, you want to taste that, come on. Oh, my

God.

oh oh

oh

oh yeah

Thank you, Ryan.

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask you.

Who's this Ryan guy?

Honey,

I'm home.

Way in the bed.

You're the living bejesus out of me, wall crawler.

What the hell are you even doing here? I could ask you the same thing.

By the way, huge fan of your movies.

Teary -dough -eyed Tobey Maguire with that sweet lisp.

So adorable.

And I don't know how I felt about Tom Holland.

Tells how I'm doing Umbrella and Lip Sync Battle.

Holy shit, that boy can dance.

They should cast him as Fred Astaire, am I right?

Dude. And Garfield. Wow, he's great in Social Network.

But he just isn't right for Spidey. I mean, for the love of fuck, he's

That's like having a Yankee play James Bond. And that's just a big no -no.

Tom Holland is British, too. What?

Dude, what are you doing here?

Ah, jeez.

You're so nosy.

You know, I'm not one to kiss and tell. But I bone this super hot redhead, and

she's got her IDs.

So I thought I'd come over here, maybe we could do something together.

Like anal.

Wait, you did what?

You know.

Oh, God.

I know, right?

Funny story.

We were doing auditions for my newest porn parody, and this smoking hot chick

showed up. I mean, she was all over me. She kept calling me Ryan.

Anyway, long story short, we made the Jimmy fucking Chongas, if you catch my

drift. And she was... She's my girlfriend, you asshole.

What? You're Ryan.

No.

My name is Peter.

It's any consolation.

You're super cute.

Am I curious, butt champ?

We have to undo this. There has to be a way.

I hate to break it to you, PDO, but there's a slight difference between your

girlfriend and a light bulb.

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Okay.

That wasn't bad taste.

I apologize.

And you know what? I'm going to help you fix this.

Let me buy you a drink.

I don't drink. Oh!

recovering alcoholic?

Teetotaler. Huh?

I abstain from alcoholic beverages as a choice.

Wow.

That's lame.

But I respect it.

You abstain from other fun things like sex that might be the worst. Do you want

me to shoot my web up your ass?

Totally overstepped.

We gotta turn back time.

Right. You got a time machine in your pocket, Brainiac?

No, Mr. Sarcastic, but I may just know someone who can do the trick.