Original subtitles

In the Steven Spielberg movie "ET",

why is the alien brown?

No reason.

In "Love Story",

why do the two characters fall madly in love with each other?

No reason.

In Oliver Stone's "JFK",

why is the President suddenly assassinated by some stranger?

No reason.

In the excellent "Chainsaw Massacre" by Tobe Hooper,

why don't we ever see the characters go to the bathroom

or wash their hands, like people do in real life?

Absolutely no reason.

Worse, in "The Pianist" by Polanski,

how come this guy has to hide and live like a bum

when he plays the piano so well?

Once again, the answer is no reason.

I could go on for hours with more examples. The list is endless.

You probably never gave it a thought.

But all great films, without exception,

contain an important element of n0 reason.

And you know why?

Because life itself is filled with no reason.

Why can't we see the air all around us? No reason.

Why are we always thinking? No reason.

Why do some people love sausages and other people hate sausages?

No fucking reason.

Come on. Don't waste your time explaining that garbage. Let's go.

Just a minute. Let me finish.

Ladies. Gentlemen.

The film you are about to see today is an homage to the no reason,

that most powerful element of style.

Why did they destroy all those chairs?

- We could have sat on those. - Yeah, itts a pity.

- Quiet, please. - Thank you.

OK, everybody turn around.

Good. Enjoy.

Excuse me. Is it going to be in col0ur or in black and white?

It's already boring.

Don't be so negative. It's just the beginning. Itts gonna pick up.

Just be patient.

Hope it's not some old silent film.

- I can't hear a thing. - Yes, you can.

You can hear the wind a little if you listen.

Somebody see something?

I see a dump. There, straight ahead.

Amazing. He just blew up a bottle without even touching it.

- Really? Let me see. - Thatts odd.

Looks like he has telepathic powers.

- You mean psychokinetic? - I don't care about the right word.

I just think he blew up the bottle with his mind.

It's most likely, yes.

That's awesome. I'm starting to like it.

I think the kid is right. Psychokinetic powers.

Excuse me, but do you have to comment everything aloud?

We are not commenting, we are trying to understand.

- What do you think of it? - Nothing.

You know you're not allowed to film the film. Itts forbidden by law.

- It is? - They'll put you in jail for that.

In jail? Are you kidding me?

Yeah, she's right. It's piracy. I'd be careful if I were you.

Well, my wife couldn't come. I was just gonna show her.

Yeah, it's piracy anyway.

Oh. Thanks. I'll know for the future. Thanks.

Come on! Starting again.

Wake up!

Let's go! Let's go.

- Come on, up. - Oh, Jesus. I hardly slept a wink.

- These fucking insects, man. - I was really cold myself.

Quiet! Wake up!

Excuse me! Would it be possible to have some coffee and some toast?

Dad, I'm hungry.

Dad? Dad?

- Where is he? - Straight ahead.

- He just woke up. - Oh, thanks.

Anyone got any food?

♪ Ba-ba-ba-dah, ba-ba-ba-dah

♪ Ba-ba-dah-dah, ba-ba-dah-dah

♪ I just don't want to be lonely

♪ I don't mind when you say that you're going away

♪ I just don't want to be lonely

♪ And I don't care if you share only moments a day

♪ I just don't want to be lonely, just don't want to be lonely

♪ I'd rather be loved and needed

♪ Depended on to give a love I can't give...

♪ I just don't want to be lonely, just don't want to be...

♪ I don't mind when the time...

♪ ...needed

♪ Depended on to give a love I can't give

♪ When you're gone... ♪

Oh, my God.

- Not bad at all! - What? Let me see.

This is the first time in my life I identified with a tyre.

Stop, Dad. Give me that.

Her ass is not that great, but I understand.

You are hard to please. It is fine with me.

Her ass isn't that great, but she has quite a rack on her.

- Is the tyre gonna get laid? - I'd like to see that.

- What position do you think? - She'll start with a good blow job.

Oh, yeah!

Jeez! Are you gonna shut up sometime and let us watch in peace?

- Can't you take a little joke? - Yeah, there's plenty of space.

Go somewhere else if we're bothering you.

You should move if you want to laugh so loud.

Why don't you do like that cripple?

Put on your Walkman, listen to music and then we won't bother you.

OK, it's not a Walkman. It's a medical gizmo.

Come on, let's just forget it.

Brats.

Huh! Bye, brats.

♪ I don't need anyone... ♪

Mum, I'm spending the night in a motel.

I just don't want to drive any more. See you tom0rrow. Love you. Bye.

'Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

'One, two, three, four,

'five, six, seven, eight.

'That was one side. Step just to the 0pposite side of the block.'

- Anything interesting? - He just switched a channel.

OK, well, wake us up if we miss anything major.

Good night, everybody.

How long before humans start eating each other out of hunger?

Don't talk crap. Just sleep.

Are you real slugs just gonna let us starve without doing a thing?

- I found a blown-up rabbit. - Eugh! Thatts so gross!

- Rabbit's OK to eat, right? - Idiot. Can't you see it's fake?

Yes. Oh! Yes, master.

Er...

Very well, master.

Yes, I er... Certainly.

I understand perfectly.

I... I'm gonna do it tomorrow morning without fail.

First thing in the morning. You can count on me.

Salutations, master.

All right.

Good morning.

- Can I clean your room? - Yeah.

Why not?

Food!

Tastes good.

Ah, food!

Wow!

- Aah! - Get the fuck...

- Guys, guys, guys! - Come on!

Animals.

Anybody there?

Excuse me? Do you want me to come back later?

Fucking weirdos.

I just saw a live tyre.

You got nothing better to do than talk rubbish?

Look, I swear, it's true.

Look, he locked himself in room 16.

- Ain't you got homework to do? - I'm on holidays.

And you don't know what to do with yourself. Well, you're bugging me.

- You don't believe me. - Will you shut up?

Look, here. Get on your bike and go get me a pizza, all right?

That'll give you ten minutes to kill.

You go and have a look in room 16 now. Please.

Will you get on your bike and get me a pizza?

Cut this bullshit out.

Do it!

And don't forget the double toppings!

Whoa!

Here's your double topping, dickhead.

Isn't a tyre supposed to float?

An inner tube, yes. Not a tyre.

Really? I would have bet just the opposite.

- You feeling any better, son? - No.

It's burning. Daddy, I beg you, call a doctor.

Come on. You probably just ate too fast.

It's gonna be all right. Don't worry. We all ate too fast.

It's hurting bad, I tell you!

Anybody know anything about medicine?

No, sorry. Would you happen to know anything about physics?

Would a tyre sink or float?

It would sink. We just saw it a minute ago.

Hey, what's going on?

- Oh, damn it to hell! - Oh, help me!

- What is happening to us? - They poisoned you.

- The turkey was a trap. - A trap?

Motherfuck! Can somebody treat the audience?

Don't worry, ma'am. They're not gonna get away with it.

I'm still here and I want my show.

'Yes, sir, I want my show.'

Anybody there?

Tyre?

- Why don't you go look at the pool? - Sure.

He's right here.

This tyre's alive.

- The tyre story again? - Doesn't I00k very alive to me.

Look, I saw this tyre get into r00m 16. He locked himself in.

OK, you know what? I've heard enough rubbish for the day.

Get that dirty tyre out of the pool or I'm gonna get really mad.

- Sorry, Lieutenant. - Not a problem.

So, tell me.

Don't you find it strange we can't see the air around us?

Why do you say that?

Just like that.

No reason.

OK, kid, listen to me. Nothing to worry about.

It's just a perfectly ordinary tyre.

- Yeah, you see it's not moving. - Well, maybe it drowned.

Stop it. You are putting me to shame in front of a police officer.

- Don't be rough. There's no need. - You know, someone died here, OK?

- We don't joke about that. - Now, that is true.

I'm not joking. I am sure that this tyre killed Martina.

That is enough. I don't want to see you any more, OK?

We will settle this tonight. Scram. You are getting on my nerves. Go.

- You're a little jumpy. - Not usually.

Take your fucking tyre with you!

Sorry.

Can I ask you some questions for the investigation?

Sure, go ahead.

How was your relationship with Martina?

Er... we got along fine. You know, employer, employee.

- You were satisfied with her work? - Yeah.

Nothing in particular you'd mention about her behaviour or...

No.

Ah! Very good.

It's been six hours. The poison has had time to take effect. We can stop.

- Er... the poison? - Yes, we poisoned the spectators.

You can go home now, Mr Hughes. We don't need you any more.

- Thank you very much. - I don't understand.

It's been a pleasure working with you.

Everybody! Listen.

I have something important to announce.

Pay attention, please.

OK.

You can all relax. It's over. We're stopping now.

Thanks, and... congratulations to all.

Great job.

What do you mean, Chad?

I mean what I just said. It's over. You can all go home to your families.

It's been a pleasure working with you.

- You out of your mind? - Why do you want us to go home?

Come on, stop acting like this is real life.

I'm telling you we're done. There's n0 one watching any more, OK?

No use going on.

Stop.

Finished. We're packing in.

But this is real life, Chad. We have a dead body over here.

No. Come on.

It's not real life. Look at you.

You have a stuffed toy alligator under your arm.

So?

OK, I'm gonna show you something. Denise, take your gun.

- Why? - Take it, I tell you! It's an order!

- Now point it at me and shoot. - No way.

Doug, you do it.

Don't think. Just sh00t.

Oh, my God!

You see?

I don't feel a thing.

No pain whatsoever.

It's not real.

You understand?

Everything is fake.

Shoot again.

Now do you believe me?

This situation is not real.

Go home.

It's all over. Thanks.

What about the cleaning lady? She's really dead?

Open the bag. You might be surprised.

- It's a regular corpse. - Give her a good slap. You'll see.

Stop your bullshit. She's got no head.

It's not funny.

Shake her up.

So? Nothing happened.

She's dead. The body's cold.

How cold?

One of the spectators didn't eat the turkey.

He's alive and watching as we speak.

Damn.

- You sure this is true? - Positive.

You have to go on.

All right.

OK.

Excuse me, please.

I made a little mistake.

Forget everything I just said.

I'm sorry.

I got a little ahead of myself.

We're not quite done. How was your relationship with Martina?

- You're bleeding, Lieutenant. - Don't mind that. It's nothing.

Let's proceed. Answer my question.

Er... well, like I said, we got along fine.

- Employee, employer kind of thing. - You were happy with her work?

Er... like I said before, yeah.

Nothing in particular you'd mention?

No.

Were you in contact with her family?

I met her brother once. He was... he was rather obese.

We really didn't talk.

OK. Do you know if Martina was on good terms with her obese brother?

Er... maybe.

Do you think the obese brother could be directly or indirectly involved

with Martina's death?

Mr Hughes?

Oh, God. The kid was right.

The killer is a tyre.

You killed Martina.

And you're gonna be in trouble with the police.

You know what the police are?

Do you talk? I mean talk.

Um... me human boy.

Hey! Answer me!

This is what our killer looks like.

- A tyre? - Exactly.

I'll give you an hour to find him. He can't have gotten far.

If you have any questions, it's now or never.

What brand of tyre?

We don't know yet.

Probably brand less.

- Is it worn? - Yes.

Is it black?

Hey, guys. I just saw him.

He escaped on the road, that way.

So.

What might you fancy?

Farm chicken, home-made potatoes mashed with olive oil

and mushroom fricassee.

- That'll be fine, thank you. - Wait till you see the rest.

It's er... tuna tartare on a bed of artichoke,

with violet-flavoured white asparagus.

- It's tempting, isn't it? - Look, I'm not hungry.

So just forget it.

Dessert, perhaps?

Oh. Chocolate ėclairs. That's... ooh, lovely.

- How... What did... - Hey, hey.

I'm telling you I'm not hungry.

All right? Now, you're wasting my time. Just go away.

Come on, you got to eat something.

It's unhealthy.

You can't go on like this. You cantt. You...

Have a yogurt at least. Just do that for me, hm?

I just want to watch the end in peace.

Oh, wait all you want, 'cause there's no end.

Fine. I'll watch it anyway, all right? I like it.

- What's happening? - What's happening?

He's rolling.

The cops are chasing him.

It's a pretty exciting scene.

That so? Where? I can't see.

Right there, right straight ahead.

- Where? - Here, go on.

Then one day my father wanted to do something nice for us

and he took us on a vacation to the mountain,

but since we had no money he er... couldn't take us skiing.

So, along with my brother,

we started going on these... these walks in the snow.

We didn't even have shoes.

That's funny.

Anyway, then my brother...

he's showing off on a rock and he slips, falls into a crack.

Dumb accident.

Hm. Sure you don't want to try an ėclair? They're amazing.

I'm fine, thanks.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, OK.

So, my brother falls into a crack.

And I don't know why, but instead of going for help,

I take this um... enormous rock and I smash him into the face with it.

And... and that's when he stops screaming.

Mm. Damn.

Do you have something for a stomach ache?

I think I ate too fast. Mm.

Ouch.

Oh! Oh, holy shit!

Aah! God!

Oh! Oh, shit! Oh! That stuff was supposed to be for you to eat!

Oh! Oh, God!

It burns!

I'm gonna die!

Help me!

Help me! Oh, God! Please!

Please!

Oh, God! It burns!

I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!

Help me.

Help me, please! Help me! Aah!

Aah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- You can't do that. - Really?

You can if you've won, but it's against the rules.

So, what? Can I or can't I?

'Unit 4 to Central?

'Do you receive? We located the tyre.

'Do you receive?

'I repeat, we located the tyre inside a house. You're on.'

We receive you, Unit 4. What do you mean by located?

'We just saw him. He's in a house on Bellyball Road watching TV.

'What should we do?'

Stay put. We're on our way.

- You all right? - Yeah.

We're gonna nick him.

The door just opened. He's coming.

All right, go ahead. Read.

Come... closer.

'Come on, closer. I was expecting you.'

Come on, come here.

Articulate.

'Come on. Come here.'

Come here and kill me, you son of a bitch.

Come closer and kill me, you little jerk.

- Stick to the text. Go on. - Son of a bitch.

'Come on.

'Closer.'

- That's g00d. He's biting. - Go on.

Come on. You know I've been very naughty.

You have to punish me. Come. Come punish me.

Who wrote this garbage?

Don't worry about that. Go on.

'You like me. You think I'm sexy?'

Come on. Be a good boy.

Blow my head off, you big slu...

Sorry, I can't read that. It's too awful.

Get out of the way. You're gonna ruin everything.

'Blow my head off, you big slut. You hear me?'

I... I have a very...

I have been a very naughty girl.

I need a good...

thrashing.

Come on. Now. Go ahead.

'Kill me. Go on.'

I want to die. Do it.

He suspects something. We should have stayed with the woman's voice.

Shit. Take back the mic.

Come on. Go ahead, go ahead. Come on.

- Where are we? - I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Improvise, quick.

Hey, blow my head off. What are you waiting for?

That's very good. Go on.

Come on! I'm ready. Now!

Excuse me. Er... I hate to bother you.

But the... the way I look at it, this scene makes no sense at all.

Not that it was great to begin with, but at least I understood it.

Now it's just... it's totally confusing.

That's why I took the trouble to come all this way.

What do you mean? What don't you understand?

What don't I understand is the bit with the dummy.

It doesn't make sense. I mean, what's the point? What's the purpose?

Well, can't you see it's a lure? There's nothing confusing.

Yeah, I get the lure, OK? I'm not stupid. Yeah?

What I don't get is why it takes so many hours.

Why don't you just ice the bloody tyre?

Now that he's standing in front of the dummy, you get a bazooka.

Even better... No, no, listen.

Even better, you get... you get one of your guys with a flame-thrower, huh?

Just bwooff! You got to do something. I mean, do something, anything.

No, no, the idea was for him to blow up the dummy himself

and set off the dynamite.

That way he'll pop himself off himself, so to speak.

That's brilliant.

What I'm asking is speed up the action, that's all.

You know, boom, boom. Huh?

Yeah, but then we wouldn't be here if you'd eaten the damn turkey.

That's true enough, but er...

Listen.

I'm glad you told us.

We'll try to speed things up now.

You can go back to your place.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Asshole.

- Who was that guy? - Come on, let's get on with it.

I'm exhausted. Read the last sentence there.

You're nothing but a rubber shit.

Once again.

- You're nothing but a rubber shit. - Again.

'You're nothing but a rubber shit.'

Damn. It didn't work.

Hey. May I ask what you intend to do?

I'm gonna blow away that rubber shit myself.

No, you can't do that.

What about the dummy blow-up?

You promised, man!

The end. Bye.

That's it, huh? That's all you got?

You can't stop here, man.

Come on! What kind of racket are you running?

Hey, wait!

It's not the end! He's been reincarnated as a tricycle!

Come on!

No, wait, wait, wait.

I'm not a character. I'm just watching.

You just stay there.

Just stay put.

No, stay put. Good.

'That was one side.

'Step just to the opposite side of the block.

'You're gonna step up with the right, kick with the left.

'Step down with the left, touching back down with your right.

'Up with the right, kicking with the left.

'Down with the left. Together with the right.

'So, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

'One, tw0, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.'

♪ Yeah, it's good for the soul

♪ Yeah, it's good for the soul

♪ Yeah, it's good for the soul

♪ Yeah, it's good for the soul... ♪

In the Steven Spielberg movie "ET",

why is the alien brown?

No reason.

In "Love Story",

why do the two characters fall madly in love with each other?

No reason.

In Oliver Stone's "JFK",

why is the President suddenly assassinated by some stranger?

No reason.

In the excellent "Chainsaw Massacre" by Tobe Hooper,

why don't we ever see the characters go to the bathroom

or wash their hands, like people do in real life?

Absolutely no reason.

Worse, in "The Pianist" by Polanski,

how come this guy has to hide and live like a bum

when he plays the piano so well?

Once again, the answer is no reason.

I could go on for hours with more examples. The list is endless.

You probably never gave it a momentts thought.

But all great films, without exception,

contain an important element of n0 reason.

And you know why?

Because life itself is made up of tons of no reason.

Why can't we see the air all around us? No reason.

Why are we always thinking? No reason.

Why do some people love sausages and other people hate sausages?

No fucking reason.

Come on. Don't waste your time explaining that garbage. Let's go.

Just a minute. Let me finish.