Original subtitles

Hold it! Tits out!

Well, that should cover the bare essentials.

Almost.

There we are.

- Hello; - Hi, Janie. Gilbert Bodley here.

Listen, darling, I've got the mink coat.

It's all laid on. How's everything at your end;

- Have you fixed it with your husband; - Yes. - It's the 5,000 pound Canadian mink.

Yeah, the one you wanted.

I'm pricing it at 500.

Eh... I should pay the remaining 4,500. See you later.

Anytime I roll, your heart will be up there to fall.

But not now, darling.

Not now, darling, darling, not now.

Though I know your heart is so hard to resist.

Not now, darling.

Not now, darling, darling, not now.

When it comes to making love, I know you're well ahead, but there are many a slip between a hip and a lip,

and a bed.

You're a fine, upstanding man, I see. Not now, darling, not now, darling, darling, not now.

Don't let your love go down, I promise you I won't let you down, don't grind your teeth, I'll find the time somehow.

Not now, darling, not now, darling, not now, darling, darling, not now.

Anytime you say, I'll be happy to play, but not now, darling, not now, darling, darling, not now.

Though you're quite immense, and you recompense, but not now, darling, not now, darling, darling, not now.

Though your habits are like rabbits, I only think in me, and there's many a dame, with a mink on her frame.

Through a wink, I can see your pants have more than ants, not now, darling, not now, darling, darling, not now.

Don't let me get upset, I'll toss you out without regret, but wait, you will find my love...

Not now, darling, not now, darling, not now, darling, darling, not now.

- Morning, Miss Whittington. - Good morning. - You're a bit late.

- I'm all behind today. - Quite a bit in front, too. - Cheeky.

Hey, here we are, safely in the port.

Well, now, I'll collect my coat, and you wait here, George.

I can't, I'm on a double yellow line.

- Well, put it on a meter. - Yeah, that's no good, there's never enough space to maneuver with this old thing.

Well, keep on cruising around till you find a car park.

All right, my dear, here we go, see you later.

I am sorry, Mrs Bodley is away on holiday.

I am afraid, not. Mr Bodley hasn't arrived yet.

Good morning. I've come for my ocelot.

- Eh, could you hold on, please; I won't keep you one moment. - I'm afraid I've been rather in a hurry.

- My husband doesn't know where to put it. - What; Would you care to take a seat; - Oh, thank you.

I'm afraid Mrs Bodley won't be back until next week.

Thank you, Lady Dixon. Goodbye.

Now, Mrs Frencham. Your ocelot.

- I said I would call for my ocelot after lunch, but as I was passing... - Yes, I quite understand.

- I'll just have a word with our Mr Crouch. - Thank you.

Ah, Mr Crouch;

Hmm; Ah, good morning, Miss Tipdale.

Mr Crouch, can you see Mrs Frencham; - I can't see anything. I mean, I can't see anyone.

She's called for the ocelot.

No, no, no, Miss Tipdale, the ocelot is to be collected at 2.30.

Well, she's most apologetic, but she is in a hurry.

I'm sure she is, but it hasn't had its final brush yet, and um, Mr and Mrs, um,

McMichael are due any minute now for the Canadian wild mink.

- This is one of your finest creations, Mr Crouch. - Oh, thank you.

Eh, but what about Mrs Frencham's ocelot;

- Well, all this is really Mr Bodley's pigeon. You know how agitated I get with clients. - Oh, nonsense. I think you cope very well,

but what shall I say to Mrs Frencham; - Tell her to go to... Hello, Mrs. Frencham.

Oh, I do hope I'm not being awfully awkward.

- Well, as a matter of fact, ma'am... - The trouble is, my husband keeps going round and round.

- Does he indeed; - And very soon, she won't be going off.

- Going off; - Now, do try and squeeze it in for me. - I beg your pardon;

Oh! Oh my ocelot!

- It's finished. - Mon amie, you see, it hasn't had its final brush yet, I'm afraid.

What with Mrs Bodley being on holiday and Mr Bodley being just a trifle late.

Oh, yes.

I do think it's absolutely me.

- Don't you agree; - Oh, yes. - Oh, it's quite fab.

- Oh, you! You are a clever little fellow. - Thank you. - But I always did like your designs on me.

Well... Well, I think I'll go and have a look. I'll look for my husband. I expect he's trying his luck in Soho.

Yeah, well, keep the change.

- Oh, good morning, Mr Bodley. - Morning, Frank. How are you;

- Not too good. - Oh, dear.

- I'm afraid that truss hasn't done the trick at all. - Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Never mind. You'll be on your holidays soon.

Oh, that's just the trouble, you see.

Eh; - The wife gets her fortnight off in August, and I don't get mine till September.

- That's tricky. - Do you know, sir, it's five years since we had it off together.

Oh, how very frustrating for you.

Where was I;

I really must get this place tidied up.

I've got to get this dummy into the store.

Oh, no. I think, perhaps...

- perhaps the mink. - Ah! - Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

- Crouch! - Hello Mr Bodley.

I thought it was a dummy.

You'd better put your glasses on. You're all right, Miss Whittington; - Yes, thank you.

- Thank heavens you've arrived, Mr Bodley. I've been driven out of my mind. - That must have been a very quick trip.

Is this the mink for Mr and Mrs McMichael; - Yes, that's right.

Isn't it absolutely lovely, Mr Bodley;

- Would you care to run your hand over it; - Yes, I certainly would. - Yes... Don't do that, Mr Bodley.

We'll give you a call when the McMichaels arrive.

How anyone can mistake you for a dummy;

I've no idea.

Mr Bodley, how can you when your wife's away; - How can I when she isn't;

- Mrs Bodley would be appalled if she knew as much as I know. - She'd also be very stupid.

- What about you and our secretary; Eh; - Miss Tipdale. - Ambrosine.

I've never even addressed her as Ambrosine.

In all the years she's worked here, my behavior towards her has been exemplary.

- What, you mean you don't fancy her; - I never said that.

But if she and I were to be locked in that storeroom overnight with a crate of champagne, she would emerge untarnished.

The trouble is, you mean it.

Mrs Bodley would be horrified if she knew the real reason behind the quick turnover of models here.

Now stop droning on about my wife. She's on holiday in Monte Carlo.

Now, come along, Crouch. Come and get the place tidied up. Come along.

Before the McMichaels arrive. Come on.

- Bodley, I've had my hands full this morning. - Yes, I see.

Come along, Crouch.

You're all right, then; Are you going steady with that thing; - You know... Really, Mr Bodley!

Now keep your fur on, or you'll be in no fit state to conduct your first sale.

- I... conduct a sale; - The 5,000 pound mink.

I couldn't possibly, Mr Bodley. That's your department.

Every man to his trade. That's what my grandfather was always saying.

- How very tedious, your grandmother. - And you know how nervous I get with customers; - Nonsense. You'll do as you're told.

But you've already arranged the sale with Mr McMichael.

On the contrary, I haven't even met him.

But... I don't understand.

You mean Mr McMichael's never seen the coat;

That's exactly what I mean.

What about Mrs McMichael; - Ah, now, the coat has been seen by Mrs McMichael.

I see, then all your spadework has been done with Mrs McMichael.

You're getting warmer.

You're not fooling around with a married woman!

No, no, I'm not fooling. No, I'm serious.

- It's appalling, Mr Bodley. - It's delightful, Mr Crouch.

- I keep thinking of your wife all the time. - Do you; You must control that, you know.

Now, the point is this.

I can't give Janie a 5,000 pound mink without her husband noticing it, right; - Right.

- So he's got to buy it, right; - Right.

So you've got to offer it to him as a fantastic bargain.

Five hundred pounds, right;

What about the balance of four and a half thousand; - Oh, yes, I'm glad you mentioned that.

Here we are, here.

Good luck with the sale.

It's just... It's nothing more than payment to Mrs McMichael for services rendered.

- Nothing's been rendered yet. That's why I'm having to buy the bloody thing. - Oh, you... You mean you haven't yet, er... er...

No, no, I haven't yet, er... erred... No, I'm, er... erring this afternoon. I'm taking her next door to my flat.

Damn it, Mr Bodley, you are so... Lucky, I think is the word you're searching for.

Yes; - Mr and Mrs McMichael have arrived to see the Canadian mink.

- Now, would you say I'm in a hurry; - Certainly.

- And would you get me a cab; - And Mr McMichael is in a hurry. - Right. Send them in.

Into battle, Crouch. They're here.

Mr Bodley, knowing the situation, I can't possibly face Mr McMichael.

How do you think I feel, you clot!;

Mr Bodley...

Mr...

- Mr Crouch! - It's locked!

Yes, sir.

Yes, that's locked, er...

Yes, that... that's definitely locked.

Make a note of that, Miss Tipdale. That door is definitely locked at, er... 12.20.

Are you sure Mr Bodley isn't available; - No, no, no, I'm, I'm afraid not. I wish he was, but, er...

Well, he's... he's a little queer.

- Queer; - I mean, he just doesn't feel up to it. - How very disappointing.

- I found your Mr Bodley most charming. - Yes, I'm sure.

- And dying to interest me in something. - I'm sure, yes.

Oh, so you're not the man who's been dealing with my wife; - No!

- I am not deaf, Mr... Mr;... - Crouch! Arnold Crouch.

Make a note of that, Miss Tipdale. I'm... I'm definitely Arnold... Arnold Crouch. Arnold with an R and Crouch with an... an ouch.

Well, is... Is anything the matter, Mr Crouch; - No.

I'm sorry Mr Bodley isn't here, but I'm sure Mr Crouch can be equally helpful.

Here's what... I do know that Mr Bodley would much rather have handled you himself.

- When I say handled... - Will you show us the mink; - For you, yes, of course. Well, where is it;

- How the hell do I know; - Well, isn't that it; - Well... That's silly of me. - Oh, Harry, darling.

Isn't it the most devastatingly lovely thing you've ever seen;

- And such a fantastic bargain. - Oh, fantastic is the word.

Do you know, sir, that each pelt in that coat comes from only one square mile in northern Canada;

- In fact, sir, this is one of the most valuable coats we've ever had. - Then why is it only going for 500;

That's a very good question.

- And, sir, I will not bore you with the explanation. - Try me.

- Well, no, I can assure you it wouldn't interest the layman. - Hmm... Oh, I know a little bit about fur. You're...

Not so much a layman, after all.

And how about you; Are you a good lay, madam; A good lay woman, madam.

- And each skin is chosen for its size, texture and colour. - Why is it going cheap;

Is it; No, no, I didn't hear anything.

Oh, my God.

Damn it! Damn it!

Oh, good morning.

Commander Frencham here. Is my wife around;

- Oh, sir, she was just a moment ago, sir. - Well, if you see her, tell her I've gone to er... somewhere in South London.

Yes, sir. Shall I say why;

The bloody car's been towed away.

- Yeah, we're going, too. - But, Harry, the mink. - I'm not interested.

- But you promised. - I promised you nothing.

Please, Mr McMichael, we must have something that would interest you.

- I've got an ocelot, I've got a leopard, I've got a beaver. - I've got a taxi.

Oh, thank God for that.

- Harry, darling, you haven't bought the mink. - No, I'm not going to.

Oh, please, don't go, sir. Look, I tell you what. Perhaps you'd care to see my latest mole.

Jeez...

Look, sir...

Well done, darling.

You raving idiot.

- What have you done; - Nothing. - Nothing.

- You've ruined everything. - Don't ruffle yourself, Gilbert.

What a sweet, kind, understanding girl you are.

- Of course. - Have you ever met such a sweet, kind, understanding girl;

- Now, well, there was one occasion when I was youth hostelling in Cumberland. - Get out!

I'm sorry about that coat, my darling.

But don't you worry. I'll make it up to you this afternoon in some other way.

Okay. Goodbye.

Just one tiny thing, darling.

- Yes; - You've forgotten the coat. - No, I haven't.

- I think what Mr Bodley means is... - Shut up.

What Mr Bodley means is you can't have the coat.

- But you promised it to me, Gillie. - Yeah, but there's a slight difficulty now.

I see no difficulty. I simply walk out through the door.

Yeah, but... but what will you say... when you come face to face with your husband;

I'll say: "Hello, Harry. Look what Gillie gave me."

But you can't tell Harry I gave you the coat.

He'll think...

He'll... he'll know...

Well, um... he'll think he knows that I... I... um...

Er..., Yeah, say something, Crouch.

I pass.

You yourself said that you... you didn't want to hurt Harry's feelings.

But that was before I realized how mean he was.

How much were you prepared to pay towards this coat; - Er...

- Four and a half thousand. - Yes.

- And that was just for an outside chance in the distant future. - I wouldn't put it quite like that.

And Harry wouldn't even pay five hundred.

For a dead cert every night.

- Goodbye, darling. - You are not going with that coat. - I am not going without it.

You are not leaving the building.

All right, darling.

If you say so, I shall stay with pleasure.

Now, Janie, the coat.

- No more of your nonsense. - I shall stay until I get my own way.

- You may stay... - Crouch! A fruitless attitude. - You think so;

Er, the customers will call and they'll see nothing unusual in a pretty girl sitting on the couch.

- Ah! - So stay as long as you like.

That is, if you... you don't mind being ignored.

We men, we don't give way to feminine blackmail, no, no.

During the course of a varied and if I may say, not uninteresting life...

Here, stop...

Many women have tried to score off Gilbert Bodley.

None, I'm happy to say, but none, have so far succeeded.

So, come along, Crouch, come along, business as usual.

What; Yes.

Miss Tipdale. Tippers; Tippers, where are you;

Come along, Tippers, please. Let's have a little efficiency.

What; Yeah. Tippers, come along.

What; Stop it, Crouch. Stop it, stop it, Crouch.

Now, um, is there anything I should be looking into, Tippers;

I'm saying yes. Yes, a note. Well, take this down, will you;

"Dear Lady Dixon..."

Yeah. Bloody hell!

- Janie, your clothes. For... For God's sake, do something. - All right, darling.

Where are you going;

What are you doing;

What have you done;

- Nothing, darling, just going home. - Stop it, Mr Bodley. - Janie!

I thought you wanted me to leave without the coat.

Please, Mrs McMichael, come away from that draughty keyhole.

There, the coat. Quick, the coat.

- Who is it; - Miss Tipdale.

- You can't come in. - I beg your pardon;

- What do you want; - [We were cut off, weren't we;]

What do you want;

- Er, um, Lady Dixon's letter. - Well, open it, open it.

- No, you were corresponding with her. - What; With a woman of 80;

- Get out, Tippers. - Is this all you wish to say to her; - What;

"Dear Lady Dixon - bloody hell."

Brief and to the point. Now, off you go.

Off you go, come on.

Now, Janie, I'm prepared to overlook everything if you'll be reasonable and go.

Janie;

Janie!

- Janie, are you bereft of all... - Indeed she is. - Crouch!

- You're raving mad. - Stark raving. - Crouch!

For God's sake, Janie, show us a little pity.

- No, don't show us that. - Crouch!

Do I detect a note of panic creeping into that hard, cynical firmness; - Panic; Never.

Must you keep flying in and out of that door, Tippers; - It's the commissionaire.

- What about him; - He's rung up from downstairs. - Splendid.

If anything else startling occurs, don't hesitate to let us know.

He's just seen some women's clothes falling down.

He's having quite a day, isn't he; - Well, he thinks they came from this direction.

- A dress and some stockings. - What about underwear;

Eh well, it's all right. I suppose they take longer to land.

No, no, no, no. The underwear has landed.

- Better get them in at once, Tippers. It looks bad. - Well, I can't.

The dress and stockings have landed on top of a number 9 bus and they've gone off.

What about the underwear; - That's caught up on the minute hand of our clock.

Not a very good advertisement, you know.

Better take them off at once.

- Are you ready to give in yet, Gillie; - Never! Never!

- Excuse me. - Now what;

- Mr McMichael has returned. - How terrible! - Out, double-quick, into the storeroom.

Hang on, Mr Mr Mr Bodley.

I mean, Mr Bodley... Who... Who's going to deal with Mr McMichael;

- You are. - No, I flatly refuse, Mr... Bodley.

Mr... Bodley... How much... longer;

Yes, sir. Yes, that, sir, that's locked. Yes, that's, er...

Still locked.

Make a note of that, Miss Tipdale. That door is still locked at 12.28.

Has my wife gone; - Oh, yes, very. Yes, she's been gone a long time.

When did she last go, Miss Tipdale; Well, I think she left when you did, virtually.

- Oh, yes, yes, she was as virtual when she left as when she came. - What;

Yes, we... we made a note of it, didn't we;

If you'll excuse me, Mr Crouch, I think I'll just go and attend to that little matter on the clock.

On... On the clock; - Yes, you know, the little things dangling from the minute hand.

Ah, ah, yes, well, well, you see, it's, er... it's nearly half past, and when it is, they'll, um... drop off.

- Have you seen my husband; - No, ma'am. - Oh, dear.

I'm afraid he may have had an accident with it. So, of course, disaster!

- Is this Bodley, Bodley and Crouch; - Yes.

I've got to meet my boss here, Mr McMichael. I'm his secretary.

Oh, I think you'll find him up in the salon.

He was lucky to get me. I was just taking my tits to the vet.

Would you like to see them;

There.

So long.

I really think I ought to deal with that matter on the clock, Mr Crouch.

- I'd much rather you stayed, Miss Tipdale. - Order me a taxi. - Certainly, yes.

- Oh, Miss Tipdale. - Ah, not now, madam.

Ah, Mr Crouch.

Ah, Mrs Frencham, you've called about your ocelot.

I'm terribly sorry, madam. There just hasn't been a moment to brush it.

Have you seen the commander;

The commander; Oh, yes, it's all right. He's with the police somewhere in South London.

The police; - He was committing a minor offence in the street.

Oh, my God! George! Oh, my God!

Now look here, Mr, er...

Er... Well, I take it... Crouch. Arnold Crouch. That's Arnold with an R and Crouch.

I'm a very busy man and I haven't got time to beat about the bush.

Oh, what a shame.

Now, about this business.

- Business; - The mink.

Oh, the mink.

I've been thinking it over and I, well, I've decided to change my mind.

- Psst. Oh, Mr McMichael, sir, I couldn't be more thrilled. I couldn't be more thrilled. - Oh, good, good, good.

I shall get it for you immediately. Now, where was... Ah, it's...

So you've changed your mind, Mr McMichael; - Yes.

Changed your mind about the mink, Mr. McMichael; - Yes.

Then you shall have it at once, Mr McMichael!

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Ah, oh, ah...

Mr McMichael, this is Mr Bodley, our, our managing director.

How do you do; - Ah, Mr Bodley, my wife has met you, I think.

- Yes. - But I've never had the pleasure. - Neither have I... Yet.

- Five hundred, I think you said the coat was. - Indeed I did, dear, dear Mr McMichael.

- I never realised selling a coat meant so much to you fellows. - Oh, yes. We...

get personally involved with our clients. - Some of us more than others.

- Five hundred; - Yes.

- Cash; - Cash. - No receipt; - No receipt. Splendid. It's a pleasure.

- Mr Bodley... - Miss Tipdale!

Did you get the things off the clock;

Eh, no. They blew onto the roof of a passing taxi.

- Of course. Naturally. - However, I have phoned through to the boutique next door and they're sending some up.

- Get them right away, will you; - There is one other thing, Mr Bodtey. - Only one;

- Ah, Mrs Lawson is here. - Mrs Lawson; -That's my secretary. Would you send her in; - Certainly.

Would you come this way, Mrs Lawson;

- I got your message to meet you here, Mr McMichael. - Yes, that's right.

This is for you, my darling.

Oh! Oh!

- Oh, what a tangled web we weave. - Oh, shut up.

- Oh, Mr McMichael, you shouldn't have. - No, he shouldn't have. - You like it then, do you;

- Mr McMichael, I just don't know how to thank you. - You'll think of something.

- It's a present for being a good girl. - Oh, thank you. - It certainly pays to be a good girl these days.

Have you any other interesting observations to make;

I'll bet it's the first time you've spent four-and-a-half thousand pounds on someone else's mistress.

Good God...

He can't get away with this!

- Crouch, champagne all round. - Very well, Mr Bodley.

- Oh, champagne! - No, we haven't got time.

- Oh, I'd do anything for champagne. - All right, a quick one. Here's your 500.

Now, it's funny you should mention that, Mr McMichael, but I may have made a teensy-weensy mistake over the price.

- How; - You may think I said: "500 pounds". - You did.

Now, supposing...

I missed out a naught, what would you say; - I'd say, get stuffed.

- Very good! - Here we are, Mr Bodley.

Get the drinks round, Mr Crouch, please.

Thank you. I always believe in mixing business with a modicum of pleasure, don't you;

So, to coin a phrase: "Cheers."

And may all our troubles be little ones.

- Now, to return to the price... - Yes, here's your 500. Take it. - Yes.

- Thanks for the champagne. - What; - Thank you. - Come on.

- But, have you, Mr Bodley... - Yes, yes, yes...

- I've got just what you want. - Shh, shh, shh, shh... - What;

Oh... Yes, yes... I, um... I've got, uh... just what Mr Bodley wants for...

For in, uh, uh... You know, in there.

- Oh, good! - You know;

- That's Mr Bodley's bird. - Oh, what kind of bird; - Uh...

Uh, feathers.

That sort of thing. You don't collect tits, do you; Let's stick to the subject.

Oh... Oh, I see! Yes, er...

Yeah, there are a couple of blue ones in there, actually.

This is their lunch.

- I'll just give it to them. - Oh, let me.

- No, no, no. - We'll compare tits. - No, no... No, no!

- You must not open that door. - Why not;

- My tits are moulting. - Oh, please. - No, no. We... We'll feed it to the pigeons instead.

- Lovely. Let me. - No! Give it to me. - Look, if she wants to feed them, let her.

Come and get it!

- Stop that bus! - Stop.

- Stop! - Stop that bus, Miss Tipdale.

- Oh, let me see. - It's too late. They've... flown off.

- That was quick. - Yes. - Yes, those number nines go like a dose of salts. - Oh, come on, Sue.

No, no! At times like this, the only solution is to bare one's breast.

Don't you agree, Mrs...

As I was saying, Mr Bodley, we have sold Mr McMichael here a coat for £500...

- When, in actual fact... - If you're going to tell me it's worth five thousand, I'm going to tell you to get stuffed. - Very good!

- In actual fact, it's worth only £100. - (Harry and Gilbert) What;

- It's nothing more than dyed rabbit. - What are you trying to pull; - Nothing.

- I'm in the dark. - I'm in there with you.

Well, you see, I had these two coats to price the other day.

One was the genuine mink, and the other was this old dyed rabbit, which looks very like it. And I, um...

Well, I got the price tags the wrong way round.

- You mean this isn't a genuine mink; - I'm afraid not. No.

- Oh, Harry. - Yeah, but it... it looks genuine.

- Yeah, but you promised me a real one. - Who's to know;

No, no, no, Mr McMichael.

A genuine mink will always have about it an air of unrestrained flamboyance,

whereas the dyed rabbit very soon looks an anxious and frightened thing.

- Why didn't you bring this up before; - We're at fault. We freely admit it.

It wasn't until Crouch saw the lining that the hideous truth struck home.

What's wrong with it; - What's wrong with what; - The lining.

- You may well ask. - I do ask. - Crouch... Tell him.

I thought I'd finished.

- The lining looks perfect. - Yeah. Oh, well, yes, yes. Well, that's the trouble.

It'll outlast the coat.

- Your taxi, Mr. McMichael. - Oh, thanks.

- So you mean this bunch of rubbish is worthless; - A mere one hundred pounds. - Give me back my 500.

Certainly.

- Oh, Harry. - Shut up, angel.

- Perhaps you care to select another coat sometime. - I'm not interested in another coat. You did say one hundred;

Thank you.

Oh!

Mr Bodley... Will there be anything else;

Oh, God, I hope not.

Good morning, Frank.

Mrs Bodley; I didn't expect you for another week.

- Yeah, nice to see you back. - Thank you. How's everything been; - Oh, hectic. Very hectic.

Oh, poor Mr Bodley must be worn out.

- Yes, when you're away, you know, he certainly gets stuck into the thing. - Well, I'm glad to hear it. He's a tower of strength.

Yeah, I think he must have.

- When am I going to get those underwears; - I did get them. - Well, where are they;

- I fed them to the pigeons. - Pigeons;

Now, don't stand there looking like a puzzled secretary, Tippers. Go and order some more underwears.

- Has Harry bought the mink for me; - No. - Yes.

- What; - No. - Yes.

- Well, which; - Neither.

- Crouch sent it to the cleaners. - The cleaners; It was brand-new.

- Ah, he spilt some champagne over it. - Oh, did you; - No. Oh, yes.

- Er, well, I... - There's been a slight hitch, but don't you worry, my darling.

- When we're in bed this afternoon, I'll straighten it out for you. - Only if I had my mink.

What I'm saying is, we're not going to let a little thing like a mink come between us, are we;

What I'm saying is, if I don't get it, neither do you.

- Where are you going; - Out on the balcony.

What for; - I'm going to stand there, open my coat wide and scream.

That's ridiculous. She wouldn't do that.

Aaaaa...

Oh, my God.

Janie! Stop! Stop! Janie! Janie!

This is what I'm saying.

Carry on with your...

Mr Bodley... We've got to take her to the storeroom quickly.

Could I interrupt for a moment;

Can't you see we're busy;

Can't you;

Oh, dear.

I'm not... not enjoying this, Miss Tipdale.

- Well, I think you ought to know that someone has just arrived at reception. - I don't care. - Well, you ought to. It's your wife.

Thank you... My wife!

My wife. Hide. Quick. Hide.

Hide her in the storeroom, you twit.

It's my wife. My wife!

Thank you, Mrs Bodley.

Maudie, darling. It's good to see you.

God, it's good.

It's really good, Maude.

It's good to see you, Maude, really.

God, it's good.

God, it's good to see you.

It's really good, Maude. It's good to see you.

- Isn't it, Miss Tipdale; - Oh, wonderful, yes.

Come on in. You're supposed to be in Monte Carlo!

- Well, I discovered a month was far too long to be without you. - I know exactly how you feel.

- You're just in time for some champagne. - Oh, lovely. Anything special to celebrate;

Since you mention it, no.

God, it's good to see you, Maude.

- I think you said that before, darling. - Did I; - Uh-huh.

- There should be a clean glass around here somewhere. - What have you had, a party; - No.

A sale, actually.

- Oh, it must have been a good one. - Oh, it was.

- Arnold and I pulled off something rather special. - Good. Who is she;

- God, it's good to see you, Maude. - Yes, darling. But who;

We don't want to talk shop, do we; Cheers!

Here's to you, my darling.

So you couldn't wait to get back to me, eh; - No.

All that sun and wine and all those gorgeous Frenchmen...

- If I'd have stayed a moment longer, I might have made a fool of myself. - Oh, I'm a lucky man, Maude.

- Just as long as you appreciate it. - I do. I do.

- I'm so sorry you've got to rush. - What; No, I'm in no rush. Here, top it up.

That's my Maude.

So, why did you come back;

Now, darling, stop fishing.

- I told you, because I missed you. - I missed you, too.

Especially at night.

- Me, too. - I used to lie awake at night thinking about it. - Me, too.

But we're all right now, darling, aren't we;

Yes, you may be. I'm still a bit... Yes, of course... I...

It gives one a rosy glow just thinking about it.

- Champagne doesn't do any harm, either. - No, I... I don't think I have ever felt more relaxed.

More... More at ease with the world.

Mr. Bodley, do you still want me to get those things; - Yes, you old bat.

Bat;

God, it's good to see you, Maude.

What was I saying; - You never felt more at ease with the world.

- How are you feeling, darling; - Fine, fine.

- You're looking so much better. - Yeah. - Yes, so much better.

- A little thinner in the face, perhaps. - I've put it on just about everywhere else, though.

I've no complaints. I really haven't... I... yeh.

I think it's time you went to say hello to the staff, darling.

Don't you; - Oh, no, I said hello to them on the way in.

- Yes, but make quite sure you say goodbye on the way out, darling. - No, but I'm not going yet. - Oh, oh, but you are.

- You're... You're going back to the flat to get the bed warm. - What; Darling!

- Well, that's why you came back, isn't it; - Well, not before lunch. - Oh, to hell with convention.

Now, you go off and I'll be with you in a jiffy.

Well, if I'd known you felt like this, I'd have come back sooner.

That would have done it, wouldn't it; Now, off you go. I'll be with you as soon as I can.

Don't start without me.

God, it was good to see her.

Crouch!

Crouch!

It's all coming home to roost now, isn't it, Mr Bodley; - Belt up. Janie, my angel.

Coat or no coat, I'm afraid our little rendezvous this evening will have to be postponed.

You see, Maude's arrived and she's gone to the flat. It is... Great Scott!

- What is it, Mr Bodley; - The frilly nightie.

- The what; - The one I laid out in the bed for Janie.

And your overnight bag's there as well.

Relax, she may not see them.

Not see them;

- She may not go into the bedroom. - That's exactly where she is going, hot foot.

You're working overtime.

Please stay out of the way for five minutes, will you;

- It's damned chilly in here. - I'll warm you up later.

Now, I must get back to the flat before Maude does.

- Now, if Miss Tipdale brings back the underclothes, don't hand them straight over to the London Transport. - No.

- Hello, hello. - Who is it; - It's me.

- Damn! On the other end. - Oh, wait. It's Miss Tipdale.

- She... She says there's more trouble. - More;

- She came back unexpectedly. - Who did; - Mrs Bodley.

- We know that, you twit. - We know that, you twit, er...

- Miss Tipdale. - Tell her she's gone again. - She's gone again.

- Hang on, Mr Bodley. - What;

She says she knows she went again, but she's come back again.

- Do you mean she's come back again again; - Do you mean she's come back again again;

- She said "Yes". - But that's impossible. - I mean, it's impossible.

- It's... Good Lord! - Mr. Bodley said "It's impossible".

- I mean, it's impossible. And then he said "It's good Lord". - God, it's good to see you, Maude.

Miss Tipdale, could... could you start again at the beginning, please;

She went away in the first place.

Oh, she... she came back in the first place. Mm-hmm. And where, um...

Where... whe... whe...

Miss... Miss Tipdale, where is she now;

In our place; Oh, I see. She says... Ah!

God, it's good to see you, Mrs Bodley.

Oh, thank you, Arnold. Good to see you, too.

No, no, no. It must be much better for me to see you than it is for you to see me.

- How did you find things at the flat; - Oh, I haven't been there yet. - What a wise decision.

- Isn't that a wise decision, Arnold; - Definitely.

Why; - Why; - Why; - Why; - Why;

Well, because while you've been away, Mrs Bodley, it gets very dirty up there.

Um, I mean, the, um... the flat gets very dirty.

- Now, Gilbert, surely you've had Mrs. Ogden every morning. - That's a damn lie. I don't even know the woman.

Hm; - I believe Mrs Ogden is your lady who does.

I'm sure she does. Frequently. Not with me, then.

What a disgraceful suggestion, Maude.

- Excuse me, Mr Crouch, but you've left the phone off. - Hmm;

Oh, yes.

Thank you, Miss Tipdale.

And, Miss Tipdale, don't forget to get those little things.

- Right away. - Splendid girl. Bye-bye.

- What do you want, Miss Tipdale; - Nothing. - Oh, take it and go. Go on.

We've a busy day.

Oh, look. How much did you have to drink at that party this morning; - What a good idea.

You go and get another drink.

I'll pop back and hoover the flat.

- Unlike you to be so domestic, Gilbert. - I'm changing my ways, darling. - Not before time, darling.

- Champagne. - Oh, Gilbert, before you go, could you let me have some money;

- Money; - Yes. That's what I came back for.

I want to buy myself a couple of warm dresses. I wasn't expecting this weather.

Yes, I've only got a fiver, darling. Ask the cashier, will you;

- But you must have more than that left. - Left from what; - The four and a half thousand.

Sorry.

Four and a half thousand; - Yes, that you withdrew from the bank this morning.

- Oh, that four and a half thousand; - Yes.

No, I haven't any of that left.

- How did you get to hear about it; - Aha!

Aha! Perhaps she had you tailed.

She wouldn't do a thing like that.

Would you;

- No. My discovery was just a funny coincidence. - It was just a funny coincidence!

On the way back from the airport, I popped into the bank to deposit my few remaining francs.

- And; - And...

- Believe it or not, I got the same man who cashed your cheque this morning. - No. - Yes.

The one with the teeth.

- Oh. - Oh, yes. He's always ready for a chat.

- You know the one. - Yes, I know the one.

He said: "When you see your husband, ask him if he got home safely without being attacked by bandits."

Of course! That's very funny.

Really funny.

It's hilarious.

Gilbert, I do believe you're blushing.

What would I have to blush about, darling;

- Something to do with the money. - Oh, good Maude, Lord.

- It was nothing. - I'd hardly call four and a half thousand pounds nothing.

I just suddenly thought I'd... take it out.

And you just suddenly thought you... spend it.

- Oh, but I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. - All right. All right. You haven't. You haven't.

Well, that's what I'm saying, I haven't, I haven't, I haven't.

- I... I will tell you exactly what happened to it. - Stout fellow, Mr Bodley.

- Arnold borrowed it from me. - Arnold;

Mr Bodley, what are you saying; - Do you deny you've got that money; - Most emphatically.

He denies it.

Excuse me.

Take your hands off me.

- You see, he has got it. - Get away. - There.

Arnold.

Look.

- Mrs Bodley, I can tell you exactly how that came to be in my... hand. - No, Arnold.

This is the moment of truth.

Maude is my wife.

- She must hear the true facts from me. - The truth; The whole truth; - And nothing but.

Now you go and get Maude a glass of champagne.

I think she's going to need it.

- Very well, Mr Bodley. - Thank you.

Maude.

I'm very much afraid.

I've been keeping something from you for some time.

- It isn't pleasant. Women, and even sex, are involved. - Gilbert!

And now blackmail has reared its ugly head.

And the price is a mink coat.

Is that what you needed the money for; - Yes. Correct, Mr Crouch; - Correct, Mr Bodley.

And that is how Arnold bought off Miss Tipdale.

Arnold.

Oh! Ah!

I'm dreadfully sorry.

But it isn't Miss Tipdale.

- You mean there's another one; - No.

Look, it's bloody freezing.

- Oh! Back again, madam; - Yes. I'm not happy with these coats.

- Still giving your tits an airing, I can see. - Yeah.

Here, look, I don't want to take them upstairs. Would you mind copping out on them for me;

Yeah, with pleasure.

I'll keep them on me desk here.

And if you like, I'll let you stroke them when I come back.

This is our latest fur, Maudie.

Would you be so kind as to show my wife...;

Charming. Absolutely charming.

You must be very proud of it, Arnold.

- I'm... - His artistry is as impeccable as ever.

- Eh, don't you agree, Maude; - I wouldn't exactly call it a world-beater. - No, very ordinary.

Now, look here.

Not one of your most inspired moments, Crouch.

- I would like to say, here and now... - And you said them very nicely, too.

- Wait a minute! Gilbert! - Yes, beloved;

I've never seen this girl before.

Oh, ho, yes, yes, yes, yes...

- Haven't you; - She's not one of our models.

I... do believe you're right.

- Who are you, miss; - I am... - Oh, no, you're not. - Oh, yes, she is!

- Ah! Oh, so you admit it, do you; Another one of your fancy pieces. - Mr Bodley, may (you be forgiven)...

Kindly tell our Lady Chairman who your lover is.

Don't you see, he's trying to bluff his way out; He's already given her a mink.

Well, if she hasn't got it by now, I bet she'll get it by tonight.

Hmm.

And if she plays her cards right, I bet she'll get another fur coat and a sports car for good measure.

- Let the girl answer the question. - Certainly. What was it;

Who is your lover;

Do you want me to tell the truth, Arnold;

- Of course. - Are you sure, Arnie;

Yes.

- If you say so, Arnie-Warnie. - Who is it; - I think it must be me.

I would suggest, madam, that you and Mr Crouch meet elsewhere in future.

- Is that coat paid for; - Not yet.

- Take it off. - No. - Be quiet.

Not content with ruining Miss Tipdale;

You're now flaunting your infidelities under her very nose. Take it off.

- I can't. - Why not; - She can't.

Why not; - Why not; - Why not;

I've never seen anything like it in our salon.

Neither have I.

Arnold, that was a boob.

In fact, it was two.

- Where are your clothes, girl; - Mr Crouch threw them out of the window. - Out of the win...;

Arnold, I will make no comment on this sinister fetish of yours...

But to preserve the good name of the firm, I think you should have retrieved them.

Well, I couldn't. They landed on top of a bus.

- Oh, why didn't you get some more; - We did.

- I suppose you felt compelled to throw those out of the window, too. - Yes.

- Have pity on the wretch. - I'm deeply disappointed in you, Arnold.

But just be very grateful... that you have such a loyal friend as my Gilbert.

You poor, poor dear.

You must be brave. Very brave.

Ah...

Until my dying day, you will have my odium.

Thank you. I've always wanted one of those things.

Miss Tipdale, have you got my underwear; - I'm afraid not.

What are you doing; Knitting them;

- I've been keeping a young lady engaged in conversation. - We haven't got time for that.

- A Mrs Lawson. - Lawson;

Mrs Sue Lawson. The one with the little birds.

- Oh, with the little birds and the big... - Yes, they're the ones. I mean, that's the one, yes.

- What does she want; - Well, it's about the Canadian wild mink. She said it's starting to look frightened already. - Shh... Shh...

She's brought it back and she wants to change it.

Brought it back; - What mink is this, Gillie; - It's yours, my darling. It's come back from the cleaners.

It hasn't shrunk, has it;

Good. Now you show the mink in and the girl out.

All is now sweetness and light.

- Don't you dare, Mr Bodley. - Don't be such a wet blanket.

Janie can slip into her coat and I can slip into... How soon can we leave; - Not until I have a bra and pants.

Tippers can go over to the boutique now.

Wait a minute. I've got some in my overnight bag at your flat.

Even better. We'll send Tippers over there instead.

If Mrs Bodley hasn't got there first.

- Aaaah! - Yeah, aaaah!

Hold the fort, Crouch.

- Please leave it, madam. - Not until I've seen Mr. Bodley.

- Oh, Mr Bodley. Look, I've been with Mr McMichael and we've... - I'll be right back.

Get back in the storeroom while I see the girl from the cleaners.

Look, this is a bleeding madness. Where's Mr Crouch;

Please wait at reception.

- Look, I've got to get back to my office. - We'll bear that in mind. - Oh!

Miss; - Eh—yes; - You can leave the coat.

- Oh, not until Mr Crouch says whether or not I can swap it. - Swap it;

- Eh—if anybody wants me, I'll be outside. - Yes, so shall I.

Oh, this is cozy, isn't it; Shall we see if we have a basis for discussion; You know, discover what the score is;

First of all, do you two ladies know each other; - (Janie and Sue) No.

Advantage, Crouch.

I think that you should know who this lady is.

Oh, you don't have to introduce me to the girl from the cleaners.

- What are you going on about; I'm nothing to do with the cleaners. - And how did you get this coat;

- You must know. My friend bought it for me. - Your friend;

Deuce.

This is Mrs McMichael!

Just 'cause she talks so continental, she thinks I'm not good enough to wear fur coats.

Sure that's not the case, is it, Mrs McMichael;

- I bet I'm as good as she is underneath. - Let's hope that it won't be put to the test.

What I can't see is how your friend bought my coat.

- Well, he did. My friend's very influential, and he's... - Please, let... let's do the introductions first.

This is Mrs McMichael, Mrs Harry McMichael, she's the wife of Mr McMichael, Mr Harry McMichael.

- I'm sure we've gathered by now who I am. - I wouldn't bank on it.

You're not... Mrs Harry McMichael;

Advantage, Crouch.

You were going to tell me who your friend was who bought that coat for you.

Was I; Oh. Oh, yes.

It was him.

New balls, please.

Ah!

Come on, come on. Are you there, Tippers;

- Mr. Bodley, where are you; - At the flat.

Look, tell Crouch there's no sign of my wife. All the frilly nightie.

I'd better dash off and see if I can find her before she does something crazy.

That you, Gilbert;

- Mr. Crouch! Mr. Crouch! - What is it!; - It's Mrs Bodley.

We're just good friends. What did I mean: What about her;

- Mr Bodley's just rungup from the flat. - Oh, he got there. Good. - No, it's not good.

The "you-know-what" wasn't laid out on the bed and neither was Mrs Bodley.

- Oh, dear. Is she coming back here; - Presumably. So get rid of "you-know-who". - How can I without her "you-know-whats";

Is this a private game or can anyone join in;

It's private!

Quick, go and keep an eye out for Mrs Bodley.

- What about her "you-know-whats"; - Never mind those. I've got an idea.

- Mr Crouch, I'm not sure... - Do as you're told, Ambrosine!

Oh, Arnold.

Now, that wasn't very clever. She was supposed to be getting me some underwears.

Look, what's going on here; - Nothing at all. Mrs McMichael has no clothes on under her coat. That's all.

- No clothes on; - No. - Oh, kinky lady, yeah.

- So be a sport and lend her your dress. - Oh, marvellous.

- Certainly not. I don't owe her any favours. - I suggest you think again.

Mrs McMichael has been most generous. Consider what you've had that's rightly hers.

What's that; - The coat, of course. What else; - Yes, but...

No, no, no. At a time like this, you should not forget the old saying, "Do unto others as you yourself have been done... BY."

- Where do I change; - Good girl. Through there.

- No peeking now; - Certainly not.

- Oh. - You're a bit of a dark horse, aren't you, Arnold;

Well, I—er—I wouldn't say so, no.

I wouldn't have let you under my coat if I knew you were such a devil.

- Please, Mrs McMichael. That was done in the heat of the moment. - And you're not off the boil yet!

Please, Mrs McMichael. No... Please, Mrs Mc...

Oh—do forgive me! It's quite all right. She was just tightening my straight...

- Um... How are you; - Not very well.

Oh! It's been a morning.

- A very angry policewoman said my husband was causing an obstruction. - Oh, my dear.

- And now I am going to Claridge's to have a very large martini. - What a good idea.

- So I'll take my coat down. - Your coat; - My dress.

Oh, sorry. Wrong room.

- Mr Crouch, that girl had no clothes on. - No.

I'll give her her cards.

Well, I suppose that'll cover something.

- So I'll take my coat down. - Your... Yes, certainly.

Just slip it off in there, will you, miss; - But I've got nothing on underneath.

That's not... I won't keep you a moment, madam.

Well, get in there before I smack your wrist.

This... this girl, I'll smack up...

- Please take this coat off. - Find me something else. - It's all right. Try a couple of tea towels.

Here we are.

- Thank you so much for calling. It's been a great pleasure. - Oh!

- Thank you. - Thank you. - It's been a great, great pleasure.

And... And if the commander calls, sit on him.

Isn't he with you; - No. I left him at Canon Row Police Station taking a breathalyzer test.

Oh, my goodness! Oh!

Bodley, Bodley and Crouch.

- Mr Crouch! - One moment, please, Miss Tipdale. Oh, good morning, Reverend.

It's Canon Row.

What can I do for you, Canon;

Sergeant;

Oh, it's Sergeant Row, not Canon Row.

You're speaking on behalf of whom;

Commander; Oh, yes, his wife was here just a moment ago.

Oh, yes. I'm positive, yes.

Oh, the Commander's positive. The Commander's positive. He blew in the bag and the crystals... green.

You've let him go.

He's on his way back here. Yes, thank you so much for calling, yes.

Miss Tipdale, quick, quick, quick.

Go and keep an eye out for Mrs Bodley. And when the Commander arrives, you sit on him. He's your responsibility.

- Certainly, but in the meantime, Mr Lawson has arrived and he's yours. - Lawson;

- Yes, husband of Sue Lawson. - Yes... Oh no, I don't believe it.

- He thinks his wife's here. - Well, tell him she's gone. - Well, I did. - Oh, good girl.

- But he still wants to know why she was here in the first place. - I told him you'd tell him.

Oh, really, Miss Tipdale;

- If there's one person who isn't qualified to deal with such a situation, it's... - Mr Crouch! - That's right.

Can I have a word with you;

My name is Lawson.

- Well, if anybody wants me, I'll be at my post... at my desk. - Yes, so shall I. Excuse me.

Wait! Where is she; - Who; - Mah wife, of course.

- They told me at the office she was round seeing her boss at a place called Bodley, Bodley and Crouch. - Yes, yes, that's quite correct.

Mrs Bodley lunching, Mr Bodley walking, and I'm crouching. I mean, I'm Crouch.

- Where is she; - Oh, of course, yes, I think she's gone.

- Don't give me that. - Yes, she was here.

She's gone round to that milk bar, having a cup of tea at the milk bar around the corner.

- Why didn't you say that in the first place; - Well, yeah, I forgot. - All right.

- But I warn you, if she's not there, I'm coming back. - Oh, thank you. That would be a great pleasure.

Absolutely. And thank you so much for calling, sir. In the... er...

Arnold!

Mrs McMichael, are you quite sure that they're safe; - Depends what time you wash up.

Hey, what's the...

- Ah! Can I help you, sir; - Yeah.

What's the name of that milk bar;

The name of the, er...

"Poor Cow."

Oh, ta.

Mr Crouch!

- What... what is it now; - Mr. McMichael's on his way up. - Harry!

- So Mrs Lawson had better move over. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no, no. I refuse to put all my bags in one exit.

Get in there. Get back in there, you wretched girl.

My dress.

- That is for me. - For you; - Yeah.

Bloody pretty, that is!

- God, it's good to see you, sir. - You're raving mad.

Make a note of that, Miss Tipdale. Oh, don't start that again. Don't start that again, Miss Tipdale.

- Now, listen here, Mr... er... - Crouch, Arnold, Tipdale, Ambrosine. - Shut up! - Certainly.

Excuse me.

- Bodley, Bodley, and Crouch. - Commissioner here.

Do you know a lady's dress has just come floating out of your window now; - Yes, it's all right. It...

- It's, er... It's mine. Yes, I... I threw it away. - Yours;

Well, my... my mother's, actually.

- Tell me, did it catch the bus all right; - No, it didn't.

- It caught the flagpole. - Oh.

Well, just do your best to ignore it. We'll have a roundup at closing time.

- Now, listen here, you. - Yes. - About twenty minutes ago Mrs Lawson left me.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

We were having a drink in that pub on the corner there.

- The mink! - No, no. "The Red Lion", I think. - It was "The Red Lion". Yes, of course.

Yes, yes. That's it, "The Red Lion".

And anyway we were sitting there and she decided, suddenly, that she...

There we are. There we are. Much better after that, uh, little shake.

Gets so grubby, you see, down there. People come in here, they walk all over it.

Now, where were we, sir;

- Have you seen any more of Mrs Lawson; - Yes, quite a lot... no, very little.

Does that mean that she's been and gone or that she never even arrived; - Yes.

- Yes, what; - Yes, "please."

Has she been here;

Not since she was here the last time before she went.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Bodley, Bodley and Crouch. Mr Bodley out on a job, Mrs Bodley out on a job and I'm Crouch, out on a limb.

I thought you might just like to know a flaming mink now arrived from your balcony.

- Yes, yes, well, yes, we... we know all about that, yes. - What do you want me to do;

Chuck it back up again;

Chuck it; No, no, certainly not. You keep it down there in your office, give it a dog biscuit and a saucer of milk.

A dog biscuit and a saucer...

I'll shove it up your staff entrance.

- Have you seen any more of my secretary; - Not since she was here the last time before she went. - Jesus!

- Oh, it's locked. It's quite definitely locked. - I'll make a note of that.

- Look, I want to see the other guy. - Er, I'm afraid you can't. He's... He's gone to bed for a bit.

Has he;

Well, his wife wanted to see him rather urgently.

In bed;

Well, she's been away for a fortnight.

- Must be rather eager. - They are.

Oh!

Are you all right, Mr Bodley;

I haven't stopped since I left.

- Mr Bodley, we have a visitor. - Tippers, go outside, give me a buzz when Maude storms in.

Very good, Mr Bodley.

- Mr Bodley, we have a visitor! - I don't care!

Right now, all I'm interested in is... Mr McMichael!

It's nice to meet someone else who believes in mixing a lot of pleasure with his business.

- Pleasure; - Yeah. You and your wife. - My wife. My wife.

She won't be satisfied until she has me swinging from the chandelier.

What;

What; - Mr McMichael has returned because he thought his secretary was here.

- And is she; - No, she isn't.

- What; - She isn't here.

What;

Eh; What;

You must forgive him.

- He's been laboring... laboring under a severe handicap for some time. - Really;

- What's that; - His brain.

Yeah, what;

Yes, he has been known...

to have sudden fits of... madness! - Don't do that! - Don't do that; What is the matter with everybody;

- I need a drink. Yes. - No!

What;

No.

- I need a drink. - No, you don't drink. You're teetotal.

- Since when; - Since you signed the pledge.

- He was drinking earlier. - That doesn't count. That was out of a glass.

Signed a pledge; I haven't signed any pledge.

Anyone for cocoa;

- Do you want to know something; - Yes, please.

You are both raving mad.

Both; (Both) We are. We are.

Has Mrs Lawson been here;

I... I... We... She... We... We... You... You... You...

- Who; - I just want yes or no.

Which do you fancy;

- I don't mind, really. - Well, I'll take yes. Would you take no; - Mm-hmm.

- Has she been here; - She... She was here.

But I'm quite positive she left with you.

I know she left with me, but that was over ten minutes ago.

We went to that pub on the corner there. And then she decided to change.

Have you seen her;

I'm going to inspect your flagpole.

I think you're flying Mrs Lawson's colours.

You've done it again, haven't you;

You've done it again!

Mr Bodley, if only you knew what I'd been through since you left.

With a place full of naked women, I can imagine.

I had to stuff one in the bar and one in the storeroom.

Oh, that's a lot of stuffing.

Mr Bodley, with the things you've had me doing today, rushing around, putting my hand under Mrs McMichael's coat, I felt a right Charlie.

- It's a good job you managed to keep Harry's wife and his mistress apart. - Well, as a matter of fact, I haven't.

D'you mean they came face to face; - Yes. And you averted disaster;

- Well, er, yes, I suppose, I suppose I did. - But how, Arnold; How;

- Well, I passed Mrs Lawson off as my, er, acquaintance. - Acquaintance;

Well, you know, as... as we fellows would say: "crumpet".

Oh, well done, Crouch. You've come on a treat, haven't you;

You started the morning as an old stick-in-the-mud.

- And look at you now. - I know. I love it.

- Mr Bodley, first of all, let's forget about their clothes. - Yeah, I'm all for that.

- Yeah, now, look, we'll give them two of our longest and cheapest beavers, put them in a taxi, and get rid of them. - So simple.

- And the first of all, I'll get on to Miss Tipdale. - Yeah, Crouch. - Bodley!

- Oh! Welcome back, Commander. - Oh, thank you.

Did you sort out your little problem with the police; - No, not quite.

It looks like being a court case.

- And if it is, they'll probably try to keep me off the streets with it. - Quite right, too.

Oh, it's a pity. It's such a beauty.

Never mind. I can always give it a run round the block at night. Goodbye.

Idiot, bloody idiot.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Never mind about that, Tippers. Just pop in here.

Oh, Mr Bodley, there's something I forgot to mention.

- Surprise me. - Mr Lawson turned up.

- Mr Lawson; - Husband of Mrs.

- Oh, no. - Well, it was a bit of a problem, so I sent him to the milk bar round the corner. - Good, good.

- There isn't a milk bar round the corner. - I know. That's the problem.

Mr Crouch; - Tippers, go downstairs to the basement and get me two long cheap beavers.

- Two long cheap beavers. - And don't dilly-dally on the way.

- Mr Crouch. - Yes, Miss Tipdale;

- May I say something; - Well, yes, but not very much.

- The way you've behaved today has been a revelation. - Thank you, Miss Tipdale.

In fact, you've touched me here.

You've made progress.

- She was being metaphoric. - Who were you being;

I'm going to help her with the beavers. You stand guard here in case Mr Lawson comes back.

- Comes back; - Yes, from the "Poor Cow".

- The "Poor Cow"; - Oh, and if Mr McMichael comes back with Mrs Lawson's dress, plead ignorance. - Ignorance. Right.

- Oh, and if your wife gets back before I do... - Yes. - God help you. - Yeah, right.

Janie... Janie!

- Has Harry gone; - Yes, and you're leaving immediately.

- Indeed. - No, I don't think so.

Here, look, if I stay in here any longer, all my assets will be frozen.

Now, don't you worry, because I'm getting you two warm, expensive...

large beavers. - When; - When I tell you it's all clear.

So you both stay in your traps until you come under Starter's orders.

- See you at the office, sweetie. - Bye. - Bye.

I'm getting double-jointed eyeballs.

Shop!

- Shop! - Yes;

Oh, I'm looking for Crouch.

I'm afraid he's not here at the moment. Who shall I say called; - Who are you;

- Gilbert Bodley. I don't think we've... - No, we haven't.

I've had one hell of a time being pushed from pillar to post.

- So tell her I'm here, will you; - Who;

- The wife, of course. - The wife; - Yes. You got my message, didn't you;

- Well, I've come back for her. - Oh, I see. You've come back for your wife.

Well, you've no idea the trouble that I've had.

- I suppose you're wondering why you couldn't find the "Poor Cow". - I beg your pardon;

- I can explain the entire situation. - Good.

There isn't one.

Look, did you give my wife that blasted coat; - No, no. No! No, not me! Oh, no.

- No, you can't lay your wife at my door. - What, sir;

I met your wife for the first time this morning.

And the only thought that passed through my mind was what a sweet little thing she was.

- My wife; - A little poppet.

Bodley, I've had a very trying half hour with the police.

- The police; - Yeah, Canon Row.

- It can't be that serious. - They seem to think it is.

Going to be a court case, you know.

- I'll tell you everything. Everything! - Dammit, all I want to know is what's happened to the little woman.

- All right, but the fact that she's running around in bra and pants has got nothing to do with me. - Bra and pants;

- It was Crouch's idea to take her dress off. - Crouch took her dress off; - Yes, he only wanted to borrow it.

He wanted to borrow the...

Bodley, I think you'd better... start at the beginning.

Certainly. Certainly. Well, as you know, your wife arrived here this morning.

- Yeah, I know, I know. - After she called in at the vet.

I beg your pardon;

- It all started with the coat. - I know it started with the coat, but how did it finish with the bra, pants and the vet;

- Do you mean you know about the coat; - Yes.

And Harry; Yeah. Who's Harry;

- You don't know about Harry. - No, no, no, no.

Harry, sir, has taken advantage of your wife.

Ye gods!

- This must come as a bit of a shock. - Oh, it certainly does. He-he-he.

- I thought the old girl was past it. - Past it; She's ripe for it.

- Ripe for it; My wife; - Don't you agree;

- Well, it depends what you mean by ripe. - Like a peach.

She must be fighting them off all the time.

- Pested by every Tom, Dick... - And Harry. Oh, well, well, well, well, well.

It's a bit of a facer when the boot's on the other foot.

But I blame myself entirely.

- You know what it's like in the Navy. - Pretty good, I should imagine, eh; - Mind you, I never went mad.

Just an occasional fling.

I suppose I was too busy enjoying myself to appreciate the little woman back home.

It's a common failing, you know.

Yes, if only one could recapture those happy, halcyon honeymoon days.

- Be our guest. - Huh;

- Be our guest. - I don't quite follow.

- You want to recapture your lost youth. - Oh, if only one could, yes. - Go in there.

Grab her.

And don't take no for an answer.

But... The little woman's in there;

Oh, well, thanks very much.

Right, let's have a go.

Permission to come aboard, my dear;

Hello! Ha-ha!

Mr Bodley, Mr Bodley, stand by for action. Your wife's on her way up in the lift.

Did she find Janie's frilly nightie; - The speed she's travelling, she found something.

That was the most ridiculous conversation I've ever had.

Good afternoon, Commander.

- Gilbert! - This is it, Crouch.

Be brave, Bodley.

- Gilbert! - Maude!

Before you say anything, remember, we have been married for twenty years.

And in all that time, you have never done anything more sweet or more loving.

What happened;

- Do you mean you're pleased; - I'm thrilled.

And what is so flattering, it is just the right size.

Is it; - Yes, and the way it was laid out on the bed, and that rose...

It's like coming home to a love nest.

It's just a... silly little homecoming present.

But you didn't know she was coming...

He means I didn't know exactly when you were coming home.

Is that what you meant, Arnold;

I think it was, yes.

- Oh, and as for my dear little overnight case, it's gorgeous. - It's Janie's!

It's so generous of you, darling. I tried to open it, but it appears to be locked.

- Lucky me. - What; - There's no key.

Oh, what a pity. Why not;

- I threw it away. - What on earth for;

Brings you luck.

Well, I've never heard that before. Here, take that. One of my keys is bound to fit.

Where is it; - What; - The bag.

- I don't know. - What do you mean you don't know; You had it, didn't you; - I don't know.

- Well, that's silly. I wouldn't like to lose... - And in the cachepot;...

- It's for you. - Thank you.

- Bodley, Bodley and Crouch. - Here, I demand danger money.

Bloody great suitcase has just landed on me head.

I'm awfully sorry. No damage, was there; - Oh, no.

- Just broke me bloody neck, that's all. - Oh, that's all right then.

Let me know when you get around to chucking the furniture, won't you; - There's nothing more to come.

- You haven't got anything else, have you; - No, I've... I've run out.

- That is the lot. It's all clear. - What; - It's all clear!

- What on earth is going on; - We've been robbed!

- After them, Miss Tipdale. - At once, Mr Crouch.

Wait a minute. One of those was your girlfriend, Arnold.

I... do believe it was, yes.

Oh! She came out of our cocktail cabinet.

So she did.

How long she'd been in there; - Hours. We ordered those drinks ages ago.

Who is the other girl;

The afternoon shift.

Oh! Yeah...

- I'll tell the commissioner to stand by for action. - Yes.

- Hello, is that you; - Yes.

This is me again. Now listen here. There are two fast beavers coming down the stairs. Let them out.

Two fast beavers;

That's it. And Mrs Bodley's coming down in the lift. Shut her in.

- You got that; - Beavers out. Bodleys in. - That's it. Splendid fellow. Bye-bye.

Sorry, Mr Bodley.

Oh, Harry's on his way up. He's got me just off the flagpole.

- Who are you running away from; - I;

- Aren't you Arnold's girlfriend; - Oh, not still; - Absolutely.

Ah! Oh, yes, yes. You see, I get confused very easily.

Bodley! Crouch!

Get... Get in there.

But she hasn't got her tea towels.

- Never mind. - Get in there quickly. Get in there quickly.

What was Mrs Lawson's dress doing on your flagpole;

Waving;

My secretary is walking around your place with no dress on. I want to know why.

- I'll ask Miss Tipdale. She may have seen her trotting through the shop. - Eh; What; With no dress on; Oh, no!

- She's up here somewhere. - On the balcony, perhaps. - Or in this room, perhaps!

Now, come on out, you.

You and me have got a little thing to talk about.

This is my wife!

- How do you do; - Pleased to meet you. - How do you do; This is Mr Crouch.

What the hell are you doing in there;

Choosing a coat.

Do you like it; - Don't give me that. We are going to go home.

And then afterwards, I'm coming back.

- Oh! It's early closing day, actually. - You might be closing a little bit earlier than you think. - Really; No.

And when I do come back, you, you are going to have to give me a bloody good explanation.

Yes, well, our man Crouch handles all complaints.

Now, I don't know whether to sue you or to do you.

- Just make up your mind. Let Crouch know. - Now, listen.

- Oh, really, Harry; You're being tiresome. - I haven't even started yet.

- Now, take that coat off. - Here we go again.

Whatever for; - Because I don't want anything from this shop.

- We insist. It's our bargain of the month. - I don't care. - He doesn't care. - Now, take it off.

- Harry, precious, precious. It's impossible. - What do you mean, it's impossible;

When I tell you to take it off, I mean take it off.

Now, I don't know what you've been up to with these two characters here, but when I...

I think it may rain.

I didn't... hear the forecast, actually.

My wife is stark naked.

It's incredible.

You must have seen her like that before, Mr Bodley; - I would have thought so, yes.

Do you mind if I help myself to a drink; - Please do.

I'm going to drink a bottle of Scotch in one gulp.

Oh, you know you can't control your temper when you're drunk.

I don't want to control it.

I want to go berserk.

I'm going to stuff Crouch into a sheared raccoon and kick Bodley right up the ocelot.

Thank you.

What the hell are you doing in there; - Ah, so you two know each other; - Know her;

No! Eh, How... How are you;

- My name's Harry McMichael. - Oh, hello. I'm Mrs Sue Lawson. Yes, I thought you'd like to know.

Oh, really; Thank you.

You know... Darling, have you met Mrs Lawson; - Yes, she's Mr Crouch's girlfriend.

- Mr Who's what; - It was very sudden. - Well, it must have been.

- You must be very happy about it, then. - Why should Harry be happy;

Well, if she is Mr Crouch's girlfriend, she can't be anybody else's anything else... Can she;

He's got a point there, Mr McMichael.

So how do you feel about the situation;

- What situation; - Me having no clothes on. - What, darling;

Oh, well, could have happened to anybody, really.

I think you ought to know: Mrs Bodley is on her way up.

- We told the commissioner to hold her in the lift. - He did, and she fired him.

Quick, back to your posts, everybody.

- Mr McMichael! Your wife went that way. - Oh, thank you.

Hey, I beg your pardon, but who the hell am I hiding from; - My wife.

- I've never even met your wife. - I don't want to meet her, either.

- Do you mind; My wife's got no clothes on. - Good Lord.

And not with my secretary, either.

- Out of my way, Miss Tipdale. - I can assure you... - Out of my way!

I'm going to kill both of them.

- She's going to kill us. Both of us. - Both of us; - Yes, both. - That means, you and me. - Yes.

- Mr Bodley, it's curtains for us. - What a good idea.

Gilbert! Arnold!

Harry!

- I never thought I'd see you again. - It was only the night before last, but it seems like a million years ago.

- You didn't even know my name. - Oh, I knew enough, passion flower.

Oh, darling!

- Come on. You're not going to get away from me this time. - I'm not even going to try.

It's a game for any number of players.

- My wife doesn't love me anymore. - Oh, of course she does. - She does;

What the hell is she doing with horrible Harry; - What you were hoping to do with horrible Harry's wife.

But she's doing it for nothing!

- Give me back my four and a half thousand. - Aren't you going to give Janie the mink;

Am I, hell.

I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to give Janie.

- Janie... Janie, come out of there. - Everything all right; - Marvelous.

Look, try this on for size, and then we'll tootle off.

- Are you going to give me everything you promised; - No, that's off. - The mink and the car; - No, that's off. But...

everything else is on. - Oh! Back to square one, then.

Doesn't worry me, Arnold.

- Does it worry you; - No, she can scream until she's blue in the... - Crouch!

- What if Maude and Harry hear me; - It couldn't matter less.

I'm sorry to have to tell you, but your husband and my wife are unfaithful.

- With whom; - His wife, and your husband.

- I don't believe it. - I'm sorry, but it's true.

- I think I should have to go home and lie down for a bit. - What a good idea!

I'll join you as soon as I can.

For a bit.

After fifteen years...

Cast aside like an old boot.

Have you seen the Commander;

I'll sell me story to the Sunday newspapers.

Well, really;

All right if I go now, Mr Crouch;

Miss Tipdale, what... what are you doing in the mink; - It's a present from Mrs Bodley.

- What for; - Hush money.

That's poetic justice.

Oh, Miss Tipdale.

Mr Crouch;

Ambrosine;

Arnold;

Will you.

- Will you... - Will you tell the Commander I've gone back home;

Just put him in a taxi.

God, it's good to see you happy, Harriet.

- George, you are the absolute botter. - And I've been hearing things about you, you little rascal.

What do you think you've been up to all this time; Not another word. Not another word.

Straight back home and straight upstairs.

Upstairs; - Yeah, full steam ahead. It's harvest time, my little peach.

- Oh! - Ha-ha! Go on, off you go. Hurry, hurry, go on. There's no time to lose. Go on.

There must be something in the air here.

You were saying, Mr Crouch; Oh, yes, I was.

Ambrosine, will you... will you...

- Is it closing time yet; - Are you all right, Mrs Lawson;

- Lovely. - You've got to go home now, Mrs Lawson. - Yes, but I haven't got a dress, have I;

- Oh, dear, no. - It's all right. She can have mine.

- That's a very pretty tip, Miss Dressdale. - Thank you.

Arnold, undo me, will you;

Pull yourself together. Pull yourself together.

Purple knickers.

- Ta... - Glad to see the back of them.

Well, if you do it for the vet, why not for me; He-he-ha-ha-ha... Come on, Harriet.

Oh, Mr Crouch, I think you're the nicest man I've ever met.

- Gee, don't you think so, Miss Tipdale; - Very.

Very way you take the blame for everything is jelly-jonerous.

Very funny.

I'll just get my...

Will you hold her steady, please, Miss Tipdale; I will zip her up.

My God, he's a fast worker.

- I think you need a little help there, don't you; - Thank you, Mr Lawson. - Allow me.

Ambrosine... Ambrosine, will you marry me; - Oh, Arnold, yes.

I haven't got very much to offer you.

- You're too modest. - Stupid. I'll pray for a rise. - We'll both pray. - Yes.

- I do hope you'll get it. - Yeah...

I tell you what.

- I'll make you vice-chairman. - Oh, thank you, Gilbert.

- Oh, Mr Bodley, you won't regret it. I've always thought he had a big potential. - And I'll prove it.

- Yeah, but not now, old man. - Ah, you know...

Ambrosine... Ambrosine, may I kiss you;

- Oh, ye... yes. - Don't say, get her! - Oh! Ah! Oh!

- Here! What the hell's going on there; - It's all right. They're stock-taking.

- Oh! - Oh!

Cha... Charlie, how dare you follow me!

- If this is how you carry on, we're going straight round to one of them legal fellows. - Oh, not a divorce, please.

Who's talking about a divorce; I'm going to marry her proper.

Oh, Charlie! Oh, yeah. I'm going to be legitimate!

Help me on with my coat, Arnold, my darling.

- Of course I will, Ambrosine, my angel. - Yuck!

Is it a bit short;

Well, it's hardly worth putting on, is it;

- Well, come to my office, and we'll see what we can do aboat it. - What do you suggest;

- Well, perhaps, there's something here I... - Arnold! - Ambrosine...

Hurry up, Janie, it's two o'clock and I'm starving.

Two minutes, my darling.

Then come to my place and I'Il give you a bite of something.

- Mr Bodley, will you be safe; - Oh I hope not! I really do.

- Do you want me any more today; - No, no, thank you, Miss Whittington.

Oh, Miss Whittington, yes, my lady friend is in need of a dress rather urgently.

- Eh, do you think you could lend her yours; - Oh, certainly. There's a zip at the back.

Thank you!

Here we go.

- I wish it was always as easy as that. - Anything else;

Well, now, it's funny you should say that, excuse me.

- Eh, my... my lady friend's in need of a bra. - Oh, well, would this fit; - Well, you know, we could try.

- Well, there's a hook and eye at the back. - Is there; Yes, there is.

- Oh! - Anything else;

- Ah, it's... it's funny you should say that, but my... my lady friend's in need... - Excuse me, no thank you, Miss Whittington.

Tidy up in the storeroom, please.

How long did Janie say she'd be; Two minutes.

Two;... Two...

- I wonder if I can... - No, you can't really, Mr Bodley.

Speaking as the new vice chairman of Bodley, Bodley & Crouch,

the moral tone of this firm will have to be uplifted more than some want. And it's up to you to set the lead.

- Oh, absolutely. - Splendid, splendid.

- Now I'll ring down for a taxi. - Yes, I'll wait downstairs for you. - Yes, yes.

- Crouch! - That, that, that, that's locked. That is definite. I was just checking.

- That door is definite. Make a note of that, Mr Bodley. - Yes. - That door was definitely locked at 1400 hours plus four.

Mr. Bodley, speaking as the new vice chairman of Bodley, Bodley & Crouch,

I think the security of this building should be looked into.

- Here, never mind about that. What about that bird, with, you know; You think, er... - What about the girl then;

- Don't know. - What's going on in here, anyway;

- Making one of them commercials, I think. - What for; - Telly;