Original subtitles

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may

Old Time is still a-flying

And this same flower that smiles today

Tomorrow will be dying.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.

The Latin term for this sentiment is "carpe diem".

Seize the day!

An amateur production of Dead Poets Society,

directed, produced and abridged by Alan Partridge,

it's a powerful clarion call, imploring us to both

live life to the full and educate our children privately.

Because we are food for worms, boys.

THEY LAUGH

Yes, believe it or not, one day each and every one of us

in this room will stop breathing,

turn cold...

..and die.

And while the production ran for just three spellbinding nights,

the words of Mr Keating, the lead character - my character -

have never left me.

Carpe diem.

Seize-uh...

..the day, boys.

Make your lives extraordinary.

MR KEATING WHISTLES

It was a valuable

learning experience for me,

the audience, and the kids in the story,

played by these men.

Class dismissed.

But can seizing the day improve our mental health?

Welcome to...

..How ARE You? It's Alan.

How are you?

When mental health problems strike, many people like to

shake the Etch A Sketch...

..and try something new,

whether it be yoga, Peloton,

women over 50 sometimes dye their hair blue

and that seems to help them.

A friend of mine was dumped by his girlfriend and went so far

as joining Isis for a fortnight, but left in a dispute over food.

But does any of this actually work?

Well, this week I intend to find out,

as I navigate a slightly shaky patch in my personal life.

And you will have a ringside seat for what will be an intensely

personal episode.

Too sausage-y... as I bravely let the cameras into my own life.

Do you want a tangerine?

No, I don't, actually, thanks. OK.

I used to bring Katrina here, in the first flush of romance,

and carved - ahem - "KE", Katrina Ellis, "4 AP", Alan Partridge,

on a dozen diseased trees, er, while

she took selfies and read her phone.

But since I'm no longer in that relationship, which is

all good, all good, um,

"KE 4 AP" no longer applies.

Er, but rather than remove the sign with an electric sander,

I decided to amend the sign with my Swiss army knife,

which goes everywhere with me, er, to read quite simply

"keep out 4 area private".

Keep out of this area, for this area is a private area, um,

which I think is an elegant solution.

I've taken the negative of a failed relationship and turned it

into the positive of a sign I've been meaning to put up anyway.

Not that it's necessarily a negative.

I feel free, I feel good, and wish the same for her.

Um, I should've seen it coming.

There were signs.

BLOWING

Um, we'd stopped tickling each other, er,

she'd started locking the bathroom door when she was having

a shower, pretending she couldn't hear me knocking in just a towel.

And then my assistant found a prophylactic in the footwell

of the car, which I knew wouldn't have been mine - I don't like them,

it spoils the feeling - and that's when it all fell into place.

No.

Yes.

No.

No!

Wait, did...

..did you just put the "no" in the "yes" pile?

I put it with the noes, see?

No, no, no, this one, this one.

She was a no.

But she's very presentable.

Presentable? Lynn, we're not into...

This is not... Paddington Bear's presentable.

I don't want to f... go out with him.

Online dating.

Like many men my age, I've often fired up Tinder after half

a bottle of wine, purely to see what's out there.

Now, as a newly single bachelor, I'm taking a more considered approach.

You know, it's like looking at the cast list for Songs Of Praise.

All these high necks and low hems.

I suppose you want it the other way round.

Well, yes, I do, if you want to push me.

Yes, I do, Lynn.

Well, you could always go out to a sleazy disco

and find yourself a strumpet.

Lynn, there is a happy medium, yeah?

And I would like a medium, by the way.

And don't try and get round it on a technicality by booking me

dinner with a large clairvoyant and claiming,

"Well, she's a medium," because I know you.

You do need to look at their personalities.

Yeah, we'll get to that. That's the next round.

And round three is kids.

But seizing the day for better mental health isn't

just about romantic affection, which is why I'm getting out

and reviving platonic relationships too.

A pub quiz is not a measure of intelligence.

I've seen pub quizzes won by a team of postmen before now.

It's more for men to mix with other men

and talk about personal issues

under the veneer of a trivia quiz.

Um, for some reason,

men seem to find it easier to talk about an upsetting divorce or

a bum complaint whilst shouting out the dates of famous battles.

And tonight promises to be extra special,

cos I've not quizzed with my friends for a year,

as Katrina thought they wore cheap trainers.

Er, OK, probably my fault.

Er, I didn't let them know I was coming,

and as I said to them, totally fine to have replaced me

as a team member. I was away for a year and you don't want to be going

into a quiz as tough as that with a member down.

That would be like turning up with a water pistol to the Battle of

the Somme, which began on 1st July,

1916, which I'm sure they'll know. ANTIQUES ROADSHOW THEME PLAYS

Oh, this is the music round, I used to love this.

Er, Antiques Roadshow.

Er, yeah, and they were totally... they couldn't have been

nicer about the whole thing.

CASUALTY THEME PLAYS

Er, Casualty, original version.

Yes, and in their replacement of me with Ollie Denvers,

very shrewd choice.

Er, Ollie has a great knowledge of literature,

because when his wife left him, he read all her books

in an attempt to win her back.

It didn't work, but it left him

with an encyclopaedic knowledge of women's literature.

JUST GOOD FRIENDS THEME

Just Good Friends.

Yeah?

Oh, they're... they're scratching their heads.

I'm going to... I'm going to have to tell them.

Got to... God, where would they be without me?

Yeah, Just Good Friends.

Yeah, the '80s sitcom.

Just Good Friends.

Which is more than can be said for you lot.

Haha.

Yeah.

Er, I actually love those guys.

SKI SUNDAY THEME

Ski Sunday.

SKI SUNDAY THEME CONTINUES

When a car's that far up... behind... that close,

I want to pull over and say, "Excuse me, when you walk along the street,

"do you walk along the street with your nose pressed against the arse

"of the person in front of you? Cos that's what you're...

"effing doing with me."

Psychologists believe in displacement anger, a phenomenon

in which rage at one thing comes out in response to something else.

But in this case, the woman was just a very poor driver.

Take your nose out of my bottom, I've never met you before!

I'd love to slam on my anchor so it just rams into the back of me.

I'm fully covered.

You've probably got third party, fire and theft, you piece of shit.

I'm sorry.

How ARE you?

I'm seeing what seizing the day can do for my mental health,

and while for me Sundays are about slobbing around in tracky bottoms

watching documentaries about collapsing bridges,

today, I'm trying something more dignified.

Fine, fine. That's great.

Since 1980, church attendance in Britain has almost halved.

Do you want a few more? Yes, please. Thank you.

But here in the Church of John the Baptist, in Norwich,

things are no different than they were in 1980,

including their clothes.

Alan, do you want to help her in? She's always... pushing.

Well, she can see where the seats are.

So, what's the big idea?

Well, churchgoers, like my assistant Lynn, go on about an inner peace

that comes from worship, and today I've agreed to give it a go.

♪ Light

♪ Walk in the light... ♪

And while I quickly realised it wasn't for me, what with all

the smiling and having to kneel down, I was more than happy to stay.

♪ Light

♪ Walk in the light, O Lord

♪ The saviour's lost like you and me... ♪

You see, I'm what you'd call a Christo-sceptic,

and I've always filed God under "pleasant but far-fetched",

the same bracket as Santa and female Doctor Whos.

♪ Walk, walk in the light... ♪ Come on!

Clearly Jesus was a decent chap, albeit with heavy Lib Dem vibes,

but I've always been unmoved by his message, and today is no exception.

♪ Walk in the light... ♪

But mine was a watching brief, and with the singsong finally over...

♪ Walk! ♪

..I was happy to give my tips on improving the audience experience.

First of all, hallelujah for ditching the cold wooden benches

and going with the cushioned seats.

Also, I think if you'd retained the wooden benches,

you'd be ruling out anyone with haemorrhoids,

and right there you'd be halving your congregation.

Yeah! So, full marks on the cushions.

The problem is the band.

I don't care how holy they are, they've got to go.

If I want to listen to four bald men playing guitars,

I'll listen to Will O' The Wisp down at the Boxley Wheatsheaf,

who, to be fair, are... are pretty tight.

They've got a good sound.

But the church has to modernise,

and I said one word to you, didn't I, Lynn?

Synthesiser.

Synthesiser, and I said a few other words?

Can't remember. Simmons electronic drum kit with adjustable volume.

I see no reason why within three years the church

should not be fully electronic.

It's an exciting thought, isn't it?

Er, yes. Yeah. Yes.

♪ The Lord's my shepherd... ♪

I'm pleased to say the church has since invested

in volume-controllable drums, although my intervention has

rubbed some of the older ones up the wrong way, and I don't go any more.

In a church setting,

electronic drum kits offer a more controlled, clean and adaptable

sound, reducing stage noise while ensuring a balanced mix.

But try telling that to this lot.

LOUD, DRAMATIC DRUMMING

And so, after all this talk of the Last Supper,

I'm off for a first cuppa, with a woman I met on a dating website.

To some people, modern dating is too cold and detached.

They say that choosing a partner should be

different from choosing an air fryer.

I take a different view.

With a larger pool of dates to choose from online, there's less

need to pussyfoot, allowing both parties to be honest and save time.

I've cut dates short after just a few minutes, and vice versa.

One woman told me, "Thanks, but no, thanks.

"Your shoulders are too narrow,

"and the ear on the right-hand side of your head sits slightly

"higher than the ear on the left-hand side of your head."

Both perfectly fair comments.

Some people don't take it too well.

I told one date that I preferred women who don't wear glasses.

She said, "Is that so they can't see what you look like properly?"

And whilst I laughed in the moment, I did think,

"What a nasty woman."

But this afternoon, I do have a date.

All set?

Not with her.

Yes.

Ooh.

I popped the heated seat on. I know you like that.

Yes. I love it. Just level one.

Don't want to boil your arse.

First dates are always fraught with uncertainty.

For peace of mind, I arrange to meet in a coffee shop with a big window

and have my assistant take a photo

from a state-of-the-art camera phone.

CAMERA CLICKS

We then compare it with my date's profile picture to see

if there's been a breach of trust.

How... how do I zoom in?

Just widen your fingers.

Well... On the screen. Oh.

Yeah, that's the back of her head. Well, she turned away.

Right, well, OK, I'm going to have to get her to turn round.

This time, be ready.

Right.

PHONE RINGING TONE

Hello.

Caught in traffic, I'm afraid.

That's all right.

Interesting fact about the building opposite you.

There's a nest under the eaves that they say belongs to

a couple of black-winged kites, but you have to look quite closely.

Are you looking?

Yep. Yeah.

CAMERA CLICKS, SIREN APPROACHES

Anyway, as I say, I'll be about ten minutes.

Why are you saying you're ten minutes away

when we both know you're not?

I can hear the same ambulance down the phone as I can outside

this place, so you're not ten minutes away.

I don't appreciate being spied on.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh.

Oh, that's a shame.

She must've been pretty smart to piece that together.

You said you quite like clever women.

No, I said I liked "quite clever women", Lynn. Crucial difference.

I forgot to say my girlfriend Katrina left me

for my best friend, Daryl Flench.

Daryl's round at Katrina's, you can see their Range Rovers.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, when the three of us

were all parked next to each other, it was red, white and blue.

We used to look like the Union flag, wrongly called the Union Jack.

But, er, without me it's just the St George's flag.

Well, that makes you Scotland.

Yeah, quite like Scotland.

The Romans never conquered the Scots. No.

That's what Hadrian's Wall was all about.

I mean, those two won't know that, they're thick as pig shit!

Shall I bang the horn? No. No, I'm not going to.

LOUD ACCELERATION

But none of this is to diminish the pain of a break-up.

You can throw yourself into new experiences, but studies show that

anxiety is common in the aftermath, particularly if she's being a bitch.

This came as well.

There's no stamp on it.

It's from next door.

She wants her record player back.

Oh, well, if she wants her record player back,

just tell her she can prise it from my cold, dead hands.

Ah. I replaced the stylus, I changed the speakers,

so, yeah, she can whistle Dixie.

Probably doesn't even know what that is.

She won't even know the tune.

She won't. No.

Do you know the tune, Lynn?

LYNN SINGS THE TUNE OF DIXIE

Well, if she wants it back, she'll have to lawyer up.

In fact, can you ring my lawyer up? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know The Yellow Rose Of Texas? Yes.

Do you like Confederate songs? I love them.

LYNN LAUGHS

That makes sense.

I feel sad for Katrina, and wish her every success in moving on.

But that's not the same as rolling over,

and that means decisive action.

Where is he?

OK, look, we're going to have to jivvy him along.

He charges by the hour and part of an hour, and if he can eke it

past 60 minutes, then I get charged the same amount again.

Don't worry, I've got my game face on.

Yeah, what game's that, Battleships?

Sorry about that, I've, er, ooh, eaten into your time a little bit,

haven't I? Ah.

I was just digging out your file.

Yeah, I can see the crumbs on your tie.

Hmm? Oh, indeed.

Well, just thought I'd squeeze in a quick sandwich while I was...

Digging out my file. Right. Take a seat. Thank you.

Now, how...

..are you? Good.

And how, may I ask... As is Lynn.

How's old, um... Fine.

Everyone we know is fine.

Righty tighty.

Now, in your email you requested that

I look into the legal situation with regards to

items that have been contested in the aftermath of a break-up. Hmm.

Namely, one, a record player...

..two...

..don't help me... No, I will, it was a Poggenpohl fridge

worth £5,000 that she coerced me into buying for her. Mm.

How did she coerce you?

She gratified me physically in a way that she had previously

declined to entertain.

What are you doing? Sucking a boiled sweet. OK.

Now, you asked me to consider your claims in the light of all this,

and... I...

..have...

SLURPING

..done so.

Bottom-line it. Start with the record player.

The issue... Sorry, would you like a cup... No. No.

..the issue insofar as it pertains to the question is

whether the record player has been co-owned for long enough, er,

so that it meets the definition of joint use.

Now, as far as I know, it was in your home for...

13 months... let me see.

Er, that's January, February...

13 months... March, April...

Graham, Graham, it's 13 months.

Now, what I need from you is a detailed account

of the timeline.

It's all in the email, Graham.

Oh, just thought I'd

have it again.

Alan Gordon Partridge met Katrina Ellis 13 months ago,

began romantic liaison,

co-purchased record player on her credit card, but kept in his house.

Fancy fridge on his credit card, but in her house.

He replaces stylus, she ends relationship

and requests appliance back.

Alan refuses, sought advice, end of story.

Send the letter, please. Thank you and goodbye.

Yeah.

Are you back on the Red Bull? Eh?

How ARE you?

Deciding to grab life by the horns isn't without its challenges.

Some people will seek to hamper and obstruct.

In my case, my former partner has taken issue with my new

tougher attitude.

The following private conversation is broadcast here

with my permission.

Oh, Katrina. Lovely to see you.

You've got my record player.

Yes, it's in the garage. Help yourself.

It might sound a bit crackly, though, because I put the old stylus

back on, having removed the one that I paid for.

Whatever. Oh, and, er, bad news.

Erm, yeah.

Two mice have eaten through your Bose speakers.

For...

Well, how's that happened?

Cos I rubbed some cheese on.

That's mature.

What, me or the cheese? Ha-ha.

Hey, how's your big brown boy?

Daryl is fine, thank you.

No hard feelings whatsoever.

Oh. Should tell him to try Viagra.

Right, I'll tell him next week, at the Bahrain Grand Prix.

What, you got tickets for the Grand Prix?

In the stands, probably.

Pit lane access, full hospitality package.

If you've got the money, you're more than welcome to join us.

Do I want to fly to the Middle East and get heatstroke

while I watch some men change tyres quickly?

Hmm, I think I'd rather be on a long-haul flight,

in economy class, in the middle seat,

with Noel Edmonds on one side, and... and another Noel Edmonds

on the other. And guess who the air stewardess is?

It's Noel Edmonds.

Pathetic.

I was enjoying seizing the day, but what I didn't realise was that the

freedom to try new things...

CONGREGATION SINGS

..was leaving me dangerously untethered.

..arse of the person in front of you.

My encounter with Katrina had gone well, with friends agreeing

the Noel Edmonds line was as good as

anything you'd hear from

a professional comedian. I now know

I should've left it there.

Alan Partridge!

APPLAUSE

What an audience. What an audience.

Yeah, looking good. Looking good.

Where are you from? Norwich.

And where are you from?

Norwich.

And where are you from?

Norwich.

And where are you from?

Norwich.

And where are you from?

Norwich.

What else has been goin' on?

I went to the supermarket the other day, nipped down there, and it

just... I got there and I could not believe how many milks there are.

We've got too many milks!

Come on!

Oat milk, hemp milk, soya milk,

rice milk, buffalo milk, condensed milk.

Er, I mean, the list goes... I've written them down here.

Potato milk!

You don't get chips from a cow!

I've got a bit about gender stuff, can't do that,

because the barperson said he is one.

Um...

..er, but, oh, this is a funny... No, I can't do that,

they found that body. So, what else has been going on?

Are you at a low ebb?

You look like you are. Is that cos I bollocked you earlier, yeah?

Cos you were giving it that? Just wind your neck in.

Looking at the footage now, I see a troubled funny man indeed.

Fucking crucified you, mate.

For while others say it was objectively funny,

with strong gags and good crowd work, to me, something feels off,

like seeing a tattooed toddler, or Nick Ferrari dancing.

While some might draw pleasure from jetting off to the

Bahrain Grand Prix, where the flag is as chequered as Bahrain's

human rights record, true joy for me comes from helping others.

If I want to find mental contentment,

it's not my day I need to seize, it's someone else's.

But who to help?

During my time as a radio DJ, I received

thousands of letters from listeners, and I binned them all.

But pottering in my office recently, I found one.

Spixworth resident Gillian Groves was one of the show's most

prolific contributors.

Along with Diane Bow and Patricia Dove,

she was one of the big three, never short of a reason to complain

about anything from dog fouling to Romanians.

That was nasty Mancs Oasis, with one of their songs.

Yes, indeed.

Now, all week we have been giving shout-outs to

listeners in need of a good old-fashioned cheer-up.

We've had quite a few sad stories. No time to go through them all,

but to sum up, we have had shed blew away, horse destroyed,

hairdresser moved... Find another one.

..granny swindled, and bad porn found.

But one that stood out for us was from Gillian Groves,

a retired nurse in Spixworth... Take your time.

..who writes... who writes,

"I always enjoyed the two-fingered Cadbury's Time Out bars.

"They may not be fashionable or cool,

"they probably don't..." Read it normally.

"They probably don't eat them on yachts or in Buckingham Palace,

"but they brought a lot of joy to a lot of people.

"When Cadbury's stopped making them, my family were really angry.

"We've been trying to contact Cadbury's,

"but we've been met with a veritable wall of silence."

Not so much as a whisper.

Yeah, a Cadbury's Wispa. Which is why I said it.

Yeah, come on, Cadbury's.

I mean, it's not much to ask.

You know, a retired nurse, devoted her whole life to the care of...

A dental nurse. Is it? Yeah.

Oh, well, all right, then, you know, a dental nurse,

spent her whole life chatting to people and providing pink water,

should be able to eat her preferred chocolate wafer.

As long as she brushes her teeth afterwards.

Well, she'll know that. Course she will. She will know.

So, as you can see, Gillian was in desperate need of a mental

health boost, and I intend to give it to her right now.

She's away on a coach trip, leaving me

and a few willing volunteers 24 hours to make a difference to

her mental health, by sprucing up her terrible house.

Right.

I'm here with two strippers.

No, not that kind, you wouldn't want these two

taking their clothes off whilst staring into your eyes.

Or maybe you would. Maybe you would.

All right, lads?

Yeah, good. Great.

Just stripping wallpaper, eh? Yeah.

Yeah.

I-I-I'll leave you to it, then, yeah.

And no slacking!

Tea breaks every hour?!

Keep my eye on you two.

I later learned this decorator was fitted with a catheter

which needed emptying every hour,

but that does not explain why his friend had to go too.

Come on, gather.

18 hours later, and the renovation is complete.

Margaret Thatcher would be proud of you, which means

I'm proud of you, because you work for absolutely nothing.

Don't forget, you're the cogs.

Without you, the machine stops working.

But keep that under your hat, yeah? Wouldn't want it getting around.

THEY LAUGH

Seriously, though, you know, whatever you do for a living,

if someone from a union comes up and starts bending your ear

about working conditions, just tell the bods upstairs, leave it to them.

And give yourselves a round of applause.

Remember, you don't come out till I say "surprise", yeah?

Cos you did it so badly when we practised it.

Gillian. Yes.

Gillian Groves? Yes.

Surprise!

Surprise!

Gillian, you wrote to me several years ago

when I was a DJ at North Norfolk Digital.

I wrote to lots of people.

OK, well, I haven't forgotten you, and we decided today it was

time to give you something you won't forget - a brand-new house.

You've bought me a house?

No, but we've taken a room in your old house

and made it look... made it seem like a new... Who's that man?

Doesn't matter about that. Come with me.

Alan Partridge.

That's right. So, let's have a look at your new home.

Walk into your house.

Fix You by Coldplay

This was her lounge before.

But now...

Here you go. Thank you.

ALAN WHISTLES

Wow.

I think we like this.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're all right. You're all right.

Hey? Lovely, isn't it, eh? Some marvellous...

Is it finished? On time and on budget.

But are the walls just going to be white?

Going to be white? They are white.

It's a bit different from what it was before.

Yeah, different's good. I like change.

Is that my chair out there?

Er, in the skip?

That's your old chair, yeah, but that's a brand-new chair.

It's good to change things, Gillian.

Where's my little horse pulling a cart with barrels on it?

Oh, you mean the ceramic horse pulling the miniature beer barrels?

Yeah, I've got to say, Gillian, that was pretty horrible,

and I think most... most people thought that.

Well, I liked it.

You didn't like it, Gillian, you were just used to it.

I-I would love to live here, I really would.

Change is always unsettling, but in the end,

after each volunteer had spoken to Maureen separately...

What have you... we managed to make her see that she did like

the new room after all.

Who told you I'd like this?

And so, thanks to these exciting new experiences,

I've learned, for better mental health, I need to seize the day.

Make your lives extraordinary.

And I hope others will seize the day too.

Together, we can all be seizers, which is

the name of a gay sauna in Norwich.

Class dismissed.

♪ Tears stream down your face

♪ I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

♪ Tears stream down your face

♪ And I... ♪