Original subtitles

HE INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY

Say what you like about England, but, er,

she has very fresh breath.

Wales, too.

And, er,

if Scotland could be persuaded to finally bin the ciggies,

I'm sure her breath would be just as fresh.

I'm Alan Partridge, and in this series,

sponsored by Flench & Son Tanning Centres - feel down, get brown -

I'm exploring the mental health of the nation.

This week, I'll be finding out what the great outdoors can

do for our noggins, as I once again ask...

I love to be outdoors.

Back in Norwich, I'm often found pottering around making

short videos for the tourist board, using a 365 degree stick camera

given to me during my time in Saudi Arabia by His Excellency

the Crown Prince's chauffeur.

I like to see, er, wattle and daub buildings.

To me, there's just something about the fresh air and the exercise...

Hello. See you later! I hate these flowers.

..that seems to be good for the soul.

..visited only upon terrorist suspects.

And, while the tourist board reserves the right

to edit down my videos...

He's my favourite.

..being out and about centres and settles me.

He's definitely my favourite.

You know who isn't? Her.

But in this episode, I'm going to experiment on a bigger canvas

and I've come to the Peak District alone,

with nothing more than my stick camera, and obviously clothes,

to explore the mental health benefits

of surrounding yourself in nature.

HORN HONKS LOUDLY

Studies show that the great outdoors can do wonders

for your mental health.

As much as 84%.

Today, I'm climbing Mam Tor, a 17-foot-hundred high hill

in the Peak District, er, which, according to the guidebook,

boasts incredible views

and on a clear day it says you can see as far as Manchester.

Although it doesn't explain, er,

why you'd want to.

Starting at Castleton, day one will see me

climb the mighty Mam Tor and walk the Great Ridge.

After a good sleep and wash,

I'll spend a second day scaling the District's highest peak -

Kinder Scout.

Hello!

Fellow aviators! How you doing?

Good. You ever flown on a jetpack?

I know a guy who has.

You're looking at him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Up, up, up, up, up and away!

Like my beautiful balloon-er!

Do you think that's good for mental health?

Do you think flying's good for mental health?

Enjoy the freedom of flight, but try not to worry the sheep!

They'll miscarry!

I'm SO glad I came here.

My partner Katrina was dead right.

She said, "Go away for the weekend, climb a big mountain by yourself."

Er...

I guess she just gets me.

Yeah, so, I've come away on my own

and she's gone away to Paris

with my best friend Daryl. Yeah. As friends, as friends.

They're badminton partners.

Er, and I've said myself, you know, he covers

a lot of ground by the baseline. She's got a wicked drop shot.

It just works.

There were supposed to be four of them,

but two of them had to pull out because of very, VERY long Covid.

So, it's just, er...

..just Daryl and Katrina in Paris.

The city of lovers, my hairdresser says.

It's such a stupid thing to say! HE SCOFFS

It's not just for lovers.

You get school trips go there.

They're not all having sex with each other.

I mean, occasionally a line will be crossed. You get some

bearded sixth-formers these days.

And some very busty students.

But, er, this assumption that every couple that goes to Paris

is going be banging the bejaysus out of each other is just, just, er...

..is just...

..childish.

Daryl and Katrina are badminton partners and they wanted

to try out some different courts, and that's the end of it.

Spending time alone in nature, though boring, allows our minds

the freedom to roam, to dwell on anything

from your daughter being gay to whether you'd have been good at

presenting natural history shows.

A million, billion years ago,

this was probably bits of dinosaur.

Now, though, just horrible soil.

We all come from it and we all go back to it.

This is nature's ring road.

HE GRUNTS

The end of the first morning's walking,

and though I'd only been out in nature for a couple of hours,

already there was a definite sense of tension easing

as I absorbed the majesty and infinite variety

of the natural world.

That's good egg.

What a charming village church.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Respectful, of course, in a house of God to lower your voice,

just as you would in a library or a museum.

The same volume one might begin at while having a late-night row

with your wife in a tent.

Where are you?

Where are you, eh?

I know he's up there. Oh, yes.

I'm sure... I'm sure he's looking down on you right now.

He hears everything. Yeah.

And I know he's in here.

That faint smell of ammonia.

That's from his excrement.

God? The bat.

I see! Right.

Counting bats. Right, of course, yes.

I was going to say I'm not sure God excretes anything.

Only love.

So, why are you counting bats?

The roof needs repairing but there's a maternity colony up there. OK.

And they're protected under UK law, so the work will have to wait.

It's funny, isn't it, how the church has to go to rack and ruin

just so some bats can make more bats?

I just saw one there! Went across.

They are awful.

They're easily my least favourite bird.

Skin for wings, but no feathers. Why?

I've studied bats for 20 years

and I believe they're as much God's creatures as you or me.

Hmm. It's like the song says, isn't it?

"The Lord God made them all."

All Creatures Great and Small. It's my favourite hymn.

Yeah, it is a nice hymn.

Goes on a bit, though, I find. You know, just... I mean,

"All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small,

"all things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all,"

and then the verse goes on to list individually all the things

that the chorus tells you he made all of, so I just think

it's just over-egged.

Never really thought of it like that. It's a bit like Ross Kemp,

isn't it, telling you he's seen all the Batman films and then listing

them all in a long car journey?

"Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever."

"Yeah, I know, Ross, you've seen 'em all." Mm.

"Batman and Robin, Batman Begins,

"The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ross, I know. We get it, we get it."

"Batman vs Superman, The Batman,

"Lego Batman."

"For Christ's sakes, Ross, stop saying Batman! You know, grow up!"

Sometimes I tell the kids that I'm Batman.

Yeah, but you only say it once, right? Just at the start.

Yeah, that's fine.

You can hold one if you want.

A-a-a-a bat? Yeah.

Why would I want to hold a bat?

Broke its wing. Good!

So, it can't fly and drink blood from a cow

or drink the blood from the neck of a woman, if it's Dracula.

That's totally different. OK.

You know, a lot of the children, they're scared at first,

but they get over it. Yeah, oh, I'll get over it. Yeah, fine.

Hold your hands out, then.

No, like a book.

Sorry, for some reason I thought you meant like Jesus.

Got any concerns, you can ask me a question.

Yeah, OK. Um...

Could it give me rabies? No.

Could it give me TB? No.

Could it give me, I want to say botulism? No.

Could it give me any, and I mean ANY, form of Aids?

No. Will it bite me? No. Could it bite me? It's unlikely.

Will it lick me? No. Could it lick me? In theory, yes.

Is its tongue rough? No. Is its tongue hot?

I honestly don't know. Is it heavy? No. Does it stink? No.

Does it stink a little bit? Maybe.

Will it do this?

It won't do that.

Um...

Do you want to hold the bat? All right, all right.

You hold the stick. I'll stroke the bird.

There you are, look.

What's his name? Kieran.

Oh. What's your name? Kieran.

I've got to go now, Kieran.

Bye! Bye!

Now, walls, not ice cream or sausages, but actual walls,

I think would make a great topic for a documentary.

The BBC wouldn't commission it, cos it doesn't have trans drug addicts,

but as a topic for a phone-in, I think it would be second to none.

What's your favourite wall?

Drystone, post and rail,

partition, load-bearing,

Great of China, Wailing...

Berlin? Thank you.

And Adrian's.

What's your favourite type of wall? A crinkle crankle wall.

The shape of it provides lateral stability

without the need for buttresses.

Got it.

So, why doesn't your girlfriend play badminton in Paris with you?

Because I like to play squash.

Look up crinkle crankle wall.

I think the tavern I'm supposed to be staying at

is in that direction, but it's very hard to tell.

Er...

Excuse me, I'm wondering if you could help me out.

I'm, er...

I'm trying to locate a pub, and I know it's over there,

but everywhere I look's the same,

and I've heard of going snow blind,

well, I think I'm going green blind.

Do you mind if I borrow your binoculars? Yeah. Thank you.

As in, yeah, I mind. What, so I can't borrow them?

Well, I don't know you. I'm Alan...

Look, it's a personal item that I put on my face.

Aha.

OK. And a man comes up to me making noises,

wanting to smear his eyes and fingers on them first.

It's basic hygiene, mate.

What an odd man.

What a cross man.

What a shit man.

It's funny - if someone had done that to me in ordinary life,

I'd follow them, wait until they were having a wee

and then push them over.

But, out here in nature, it just didn't seem to matter.

And, whilst it's easy to get a bit lost if your phone dies

because your assistant didn't charge it,

the vantage point I reached revealed the quiet grandeur of

the Derbyshire hills, each with its own story, its own history

and together an enduring testament to the power of nature

to inspire and uplift.

I told her to fucking charge it...

6:00pm, and, with a slightly dirty bottom,

I've reached the Hind & Harrow in Upper Booth, my digs for the night.

Step through this door and you step back in time.

The, er, unisex toilets and genderfluid bar staff,

the alcohol-free gin, baffling,

and generally humourless attitude of the clientele

are all very well for a city bar,

but if you want a knees-up round the old Joanna, don't go there.

Hear, hear!

Give me a warm fire, warm beer,

the warm smell of dog, and a warm welcome from the regulars.

Trevor here has offered to buy a pint for this weary traveller.

Sadly, in a city bar, the offer of a free drink

would come with a subtext of sex.

But here, it's just two regular fellas having a chinwag over a pint.

Same again, Trevor? Why not?

Trevor here is an amateur historian

and I believe this place was once a popular haunt for highwaymen.

Oh, very much so. There were rich pickings along these roads

for the unscrupulous thief.

It's incredible, isn't it, that someone looking for people

with a few bob would come to what is effectively Derby?

Yeah, the Peak District is steeped in stories, myths and monsters.

Legend has it that the spirits come out at night -

and that's not just Bill when he starts on the gin.

Despite a habit of passing off pre-prepared sentences

as spontaneous thought, Trevor proved to be genial company.

There you go. Keep the change.

Oh, thanks.

Why, how much was it? £10.80. You gave me 20.

Oh, er...

Don't worry about it. Do you know what? Keep it. Yeah.

Well, you could do a lot worse than stay here.

A tavern like this would be beyond the means of most travellers.

Many would stay in a bothy, that's a stone hut

without warmth, light, or comfort.

Reminds me of living with the ex-wife.

Yes. My ex-wife kept a good home.

She was just emotionally toxic.

Pack of cheese and onion crisps.

Oh, yes, a bothy is not of a calibre of a place

you'd find on Airbnb.

Yeah, although some of those aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I once stayed at an Airbnb that had no knives.

Spent all evening trying to cut up lamb chops with the side of a spoon.

My God, I gave it a bad review.

And the next day they texted me saying,

"There's a tray of knives under the bed," and I'm supposed to know.

It's £1.10 for crisps.

Right. Er...

Haven't got the 10p.

They're £1.10 though, that's the thing.

OK. Um, right.

Oh, it's £5 minimum card payment.

OK, well...

I mean, it's 10p.

I can just put them back.

OK, fine.

And are the bar staff normally this friendly?

Is this still about the crisps?

I find it incredible that you were gifted nearly £10

and you act like nothing happened.

I said thank you. Yeah, and when I needed a favour I get zilch.

You want me to pay for your crisps with my money?

10p out of the £9.20 I gave you.

Yeah, "gave". It belongs to me.

It's her money, them tips. Sorry, don't remember asking you.

Do you know how much a barmaid earns? She's got three kids

to support. I've got three grandchildren to support

and she's taken their Christmas money.

Yeah? You want to play that game?

You give them three quid each? It's a WH Smith gift token.

Three quid? Yeah, you can get a couple of pencils for that!

After a frank exchange of views, I enjoyed an early night...

..albeit with an open penknife in my hand.

BIRDSONG

Day two of my mental health hike in the Peak District

and today I'll be scaling its highest hill, Kinder Scout.

I sometimes think about how my life might've turned out

had I taken a different path.

Um...

I can imagine myself up here, up here as a shepherd.

Perhaps dressed in a woollen jerkin,

er, salvaged from the carcass of a dead sheep

because I wouldn't want to waste the wool.

Er, a woollen hat,

trousers, also made of wool,

and perhaps some sheepskin boots, um...

..taken from a different part of the sheep, so that I would be

dressed almost completely,

not AS a sheep, but IN sheep.

Those clouds look a bit like sheep.

God, I'm bored.

The last time I came to the Peak District was as a presenter

of teatime magazine show This Time,

where I reported on blacksmith Ron Eccles' fight to keep

his ancient craft alive.

There's something wonderfully elemental about watching

a blacksmith at work.

If you see Sean Bean or Liam Neeson

hammering an anvil in a drama, you know you're in for a treat,

even on ITV.

But traditional craftsmanship is something that

we don't see very often. Now everything's done for you.

We're losing the skills that have been handed down to us

over centuries. And I tell you - once it's gone, it's gone. Yeah.

You see these people, don't you, queuing round the block

for the latest trainers or working in an Apple store,

and yet if Britain came under a cyber-attack from...

China. ..the EU, or Ireland,

you think they would come a cropper. They'd starve to death.

Yeah, good!

I thought a blacksmith would be more like Liam Neeson,

but you're quite chatty, aren't you? So are you!

Yeah, well, the survivors are going to need someone to man the airwaves.

"I'm Alan Partridge.

"Don't forget, if a relative or loved one has just died,

"to burn the corpse immediately before decomposition,

"because if those maggots hatch into bluebottles

"and the plague becomes airborne, then we're all for it.

"This is Shania Twain and You're Still the One I Want.

"I wonder if she made it.

"I believe she had a ranch with some horses. I'm sure she'll be fine."

But even without a primetime TV show,

there's always the chance to meet new people and learn new skills.

This morning, I've happened across a farmer who spent the last

half hour telling me about the ancient craft of sheep herding...

Steady!..which he says takes decades to master.

So, it's "settle", "steady" and what?

"Come by". Got it. Give me the whistle.

BLOWS WHISTLE TENTATIVELY

Come by.

Come by!

WHISTLING

Walk on!

You done this before? No.

Walk on!

SHEEP BLEAT

Steady!

Steady. Walk on.

Are you sure you've never done this before? Yeah. Steady.

There we go.

OK, settle, settle, settle.

Very good!

I found that quite easy.

Yeah.

Do you ever use any part-time, er, herders or shepherds, you know?

If you want a day off or something, you know, um, I can, er...

We should talk more about it later. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I found that quite easy.

A fun morning, and while I was later upbraided for strapping

a camera to a sheep, as far as I could tell, the sheep liked it.

I'm walking along a sheep trail,

as opposed to a human path.

I think it was a Chinese man who once said, "If you follow in

"the footsteps of a sheep, eventually it will lead you

"to a sheep."

Um, a Chinese man said that to me

outside the O2 after a Coldplay concert.

He had a camper van.

Asked me to pop inside.

I popped inside, um,

and then immediately regretted it, because...

HEAVENLY CHORAL MUSIC

SINGING CONTINUES

What the hell is this?

Oh, hello.

This is choirmaster Robin Gaskill.

He and his youth choir dressed as businessmen have come to this cave

to take advantage of its incredible acoustics, and because the church

they normally sing in is having its pews and kneelers wiped clean.

When I heard that singing, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

I mean, I'm glad I haven't.

I mean, I'm sure you've got a few more years left in you.

Yeah, I hope so.

And so have you, because you're not that young either.

And besides, a gypsy told me I was going to live till I was 90.

Really? Yes, and she was right about my wife cheating on me, so...

You must be proud as punch of this lot.

Mm-hm. Well, you should tell them, then!

They could be out there sniffing glue, but they're not.

I mean, they might do later, but right now they're here,

lifting people's spirits. They certainly lifted mine,

because I didn't have a very nice breakfast.

And, um...

..and all the parents, they know you bring their kids here?

Yes. Yeah, good. Good.

When people talk about Stonehenge as if it's the only henge,

I allow myself a quiet chuckle.

I mean, throw a stick in Derbyshire and you hit a henge.

I once threw a stick at a goat...

Excuse me! Can you help? Oh!

OK, my name's Alan. What's your name? Geoff. Geoff.

Am I all right to call you Geoff, Geoff? Yeah. Thanks, Geoff.

Are you a paramedic? I'm not a paramedic

but I'm using the intonation of a paramedic. Is that OK, Geoff?

Er... Thanks, Geoff. I've broken my leg.

Hey, hey, hey, look at me. No-one's broken any legs, all right?

No, I have, look.

Ooh, that's a broken leg.

Geoff, I want you to look at me.

Whatever you do, keep your head as still as possible.

Why, do you think I've broken my neck?

No, no, you've got a nugget of sheep shit by your ear.

Right, let's take a look.

Pulse good. Temp good.

Open mouth.

Mouth good. Say ah. Ah. Ah good. Stick your tongue out.

Bit further. Bit further.

Fucking hell, you've got a long tongue!

How many fingers am I holding up?

Two. Four.

Two. One.

Shit, I've just given you my PIN number.

Can you call Mountain Rescue?

Here, use my Blue Harbour gilet as a cushion.

GEOFF GROANS

And you can use my fleece, also Blue Harbour, as a blanket.

There we go. You look like you've got four arms now.

ALAN CHUCKLES

In case you lack energy, I've stripped a KitKat to the waist

and placed it into the palm of your hands.

If you can't chew it, suck it.

If you need more energy, take his trousers off and suck him some more.

And, er, you wouldn't know it because of how helpful I'm being,

but just to confirm,

um, I think you and I both know

that you're the person who wouldn't lend me their binoculars yesterday.

It wasn't anything personal,

I just have an anxiety regarding my face care.

I don't hold a grudge, I don't hold a grudge.

Pardon? I didn't say anything.

Sorry, I thought I heard a thank you.

If I'd known it was you, I would've lent you my binoculars.

Why, because celebrities don't have dirty eyes?

I'll leave you with that, Geoff.

This is when a proper hiking shoe is essential.

If I was wearing a fashion trainer,

I wouldn't be as half as able to gallop as I am here.

I'm zig-zagging to minimise the downward trajectory.

So, it's...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Recovered!

Nice one, Alan.

LINE RINGS

Which service do you require? Helicopter, please.

Injured man located.

Is it an ambulance you need?

A flying one, yes. Where are you?

Peak District National Park, two clicks north of Castleton,

that's Castleton -

Charlie, Alpha,

Sausage, Tango, Lima...

Right, I've got it. Can you tell me exactly what happened?

I can, but I've just released I used the word Sausage

instead of Sierra for the phonetic alphabet,

but that's because I am hungry and I had sausage for breakfast.

Just send the helicopter. Scramble, scramble.

Sorry, I'm thinking about breakfast again.

I injured my knee playing rugby. She was my physio.

Yeah, my girlfriend's in Paris with my best friend. Oh, God.

Nah, it's fine.

They play badminton together

and they've never played on any French courts before,

so I think they wanted to go over and check out a few of those.

Want some water? No, you're all right.

Is this the hygiene thing again, like with the binoculars yesterday?

If you knew how many germs were in your saliva...

I don't dribble down the spout when I drink from it.

If your lips have touched it, your saliva WILL be in it.

Yes, but not sufficient to carry a viral load.

Oh, right, OK, so I must've imagined the Covid epidemic

that killed over 7 million people.

You've got more chance of catching germs when you touch a door knob,

but I'll bet you still do that.

Touching a door knob is unavoidable risk. Sharing a bottle is not.

I'm doing a documentary on mental health,

but I'll tell you something, mate, you're potty.

French badminton courts are no different to British ones.

A badminton court is a badminton court.

I don't accept that.

HELICOPTER WHIRS

Patient's this way. I wasn't sure if you guys were going to come in

an EC15 or an AS355.

355. Where is he?

You can tell that by the lack of vertical stabilisers

on the tail boom, which means it will struggle with crosswind.

Patient's this way.

But on the plus side, much more aerodynamic.

But you'll know that already.

Did you know that already? Yeah!

Roughly when did it happen, Geoff?

Patient was found at 1400 hours.

About two o'clock, Geoff? Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Kept the patient still,

administered two fingers of a chocolate wafer bar, orally.

And have you been sick, Geoff? No, I don't think so.

Cream of chicken soup administered for hydration.

Patient was unreceptive.

OK, we're going to get you out of here, Geoff,

get you on a stretcher, all right? OK.

Get him on the whirly bird. Releasing Blue Harbour.

One, two, three. Argh!

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK

It's funny, I came to the great outdoors to fix a head.

I left having fixed a leg -

although I'm told the chap will need to use a cane.

And, of course, we couldn't do what we do if it

weren't for the help of ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

And that's why we award Citizen Bravery awards.

First, Daniel Alison.

In January, Daniel's dad had a heart attack.

Daniel managed to perform CPR

whilst waiting for the air ambulance.

Daniel.

Next, Alan Partridge.

Just this month, Alan ran for half a mile...

Just over.

..to call Mountain Rescue, after finding an injured hiker.

Alan.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Members of the press,

Lord Mayor Robert, Lady Mayor Janine, um,

and our WPC lady here.

People ask me, why is Britain great?

I tell them, it's the heroes.

Me, I'm not a hero.

Any big, strong man would've done what I did.

The real heroes are the brave men and women of Mountain Rescue

and their patron, His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales,

himself a former helicopter rescue man.

I know Prince Andrew also takes an interest

having once been a helicopter pilot himself,

although he, er, takes more of a back-seat role these days.

Still, a consummate pilot.

He knows how to handle an unruly bird

even when taking heavy flak during turbulence.

The trick is to get as far away from the storm as possible.

I'm sorry about that. Someone said that would be funny.

I don't think it is. I think it's awful, what he did.

Let's simply salute a gifted pilot

and, er, a world-class trade envoy,

his, er, friendship with a rich dead bad man notwithstanding.

Er, as for Geoff,

the chap whose life I saved, it's funny,

he thinks I helped him,

but he's healed something in me.

So, I don't want to hear any more of this, "Alan Partridge is a hero,

"Alan Partridge puts his life on the line" nonsense.

They're just empty words.

The words that really meant something aren't on a certificate.

They come from my ten-year-old godson Chris Tarver, who,

when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, said,

"I want to be like Alan, a hero."

His dad said to him,

"But I only told you Alan had found an injured man.

"You didn't hear the end of the story."

"I didn't need to," replied the boy,

"Because I knew as soon as Alan found him..."

CAMERA CLICKS

"Because I knew as soon as Alan found him,

"he was going to be all right."

CAMERA CLICKS

CLEARS THROAT NOISILY

I want this helicopter.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

♪ And if you're feeling kinda sad

♪ Come over to my house

♪ I'll make you some chicken soup

♪ And I'll be asking these simple questions

♪ How are you? How am I?

♪ How is he? How is she?

♪ How are they?

♪ How-ow-ow-ow... ♪