Original subtitles

Coming to you live from Downtown Jeddah, it's the Saudi Sunrise Show.

Shaping up to be a scorcher here in Saudi's second city,

and from our studio 12 storeys above street level,

I can see traffic flowing in both directions on Prince Majid Road,

but expect a bit of congestion around Qabil Street.

It's Monday, and I'm covering the breakfast show

for a radio station I worked for

during my year living in Saudi Arabia.

And, thanks to the magic of technology, I'm able to broadcast

bright morning vibes and government-sanctioned messages

from a completely different time zone in a Norwich business park.

The time here in Jeddah is 8am.

Good morning, God is great.

Formerly known as Sand FM, this is Gulf Digital.

I'm Alan Partridge, doing the breakfast show,

covering for Kenny Badenoch, who can't be with us

after he fell off a quadbike doing a wheelie in front of some women.

Two words, Ken - throttle control.

MUSICAL STING

But now, time for tea, sponsored by Al Fahidi Arabian Teahouse

on Bahr Al Arab Street, and tea of the week is lemon verbena tea,

which... I have to say...

..is smelling wonderfully fragrant.

Mm!

And...

Mm! ..doesn't taste half bad either.

This is ABBA and I Am a Tiger.

CALL TO PRAYER STARTS

Wrong button. This is ABBA and I Am a Tiger.

ABBA SONG STARTS

Spending five hours alone in this radio studio

drinking another man's Bovril makes me wonder,

do we need other people?

It's the question I'll be asking as I probe

the mental health of the nation,

in association with Flench & Son Tanning Centres.

Welcome to...

How ARE you?

Is there any feeling in life like the feeling of being clean?

The pleasure of a correctly scrubbed body.

Every crevice, every hole,

bubble bath clean.

In 2024, I fronted an educational video for Help the Aged,

teaching elderly people how to wash properly.

In the end, the campaign - Wash with Alan -

never aired, due to creative differences.

But it's a useful reminder of how comfortable we are

talking about our physical hygiene,

but our mental hygiene, not so much.

Which is why I'm on a journey to better understand

the mental hygiene, or health, of the nation.

For, whilst it's considered polite to bathe alone,

unless you've got a new girlfriend, is it healthy to BE alone?

Or do we gain our mental strength from others?

It's something I'm pondering in Norwich on what I think of

as a cross between a think and a walk.

A thilk, or a...

No, just a thilk.

You join me on one of my Norfolk walks,

where it's me, alone with my thoughts,

and a 360-degree camera to capture it all.

You do get some strange looks from Norfolkonians, or Norwichidians.

They fear new things, be it air fryers,

women bishops or... gay dads,

and I must admit the last one took me a while,

but I was soon fully on board once the requisite checks were in place.

But it is marvellous out here, just...

..just the bees, the trees,

shrubs and the grubs, the flowers,

and the occasional showers.

Yes, the sky and I.

It's quite easy, poetry, actually.

You don't need a degree, you just write what you see.

Listen to me - that's poetry!

Would you like a cup of...

No, just four.

I do love nature, but... push comes to shove,

I like humans, I like human company.

I'm happy to hug a tree once a year, but, er...

..you can't take a tree for dinner with you.

You'd get some strange looks from diners

if you... if you did.

I must tell my friend,

the well-known Norfolk sunbed tycoon Daryl Flench, that one.

He made... He had a very funny comment.

He said, er... He said, "The thing about these tree huggers," he said,

"is if they take it any further, they're liable to get splinters."

Yes, very funny guy.

I mean, he's got his demons.

He's medically addicted to being suntanned, but he's all right.

Talk of the devil,

there's Daryl Flench's Range Rover parked next to Katrina's.

Hey, Daryl!

What's he doing at, er, Katrina's?

He probably thought... He saw my... He'll have seen my car

and thought I was in,

saw that I wasn't, gone across the road...

..see what she's up to.

Yeah.

So, which side of the line are YOU on?

Like I say, I'm very much a people person,

one who fits effortlessly into different social tribes.

Far from being misogynistic,

the lyric "fat-bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round"

is a statement of medical fact.

I'm at ease hanging out with my racket club pals in person,

or on a WhatsApp group called the Badminton Bad Boys.

Women have more prominent hindquarters

due to higher oestrogen levels

which deposit fat around the buttocks and thighs,

which attracts a mate,

which leads to the propagation of the human race.

So, figuratively speaking,

fat-bottomed girls do in fact make the rocking world go round.

I applaud him. Here's to you, Brian. To Brian.

Actually, he's still alive, isn't he? To Brian May.

To Dr Brian May. To Dr Brian. Cheers. Dr Brian.

We'll talk about everything from tax to cars,

with the chat only drying up when Eddie mentions his divorce again.

Ahhhh!

I'm also a social animal when it comes to my partner's girlfriends,

where I have the thrill of fitting into

an exciting new friendship group.

You wonder what she sees in him.

Just pop that there. Maybe he's got a big cock.

ALL CACKLE

Just let that steep for a minute.

They're a fantastic bunch,

and when the five of us get together,

things can get pretty raucous.

There's a real joie de vivre, and it's great to just tag along.

WOMEN LAUGH AND CHAT

Yep, like it or not, humans are social animals,

and where once we herded together around campfires or churches,

today we gather around a different watering hole - the coffee shop.

In the atomised world of isolated living,

the coffee shop is one of the last bastions of human interaction.

And not even a grumpy Mumsnetter who leaves the door open

because she's got a pram and that means that she can't close doors

can spoil the cool vibes.

I'd like to order an americano, please.

Whenever you're ready. OK.

Well, can I have an americano, please?

You order it on the touchscreen.

But you're here.

I know, but you do it on the touchscreen.

OK. Why?

That's where you do it.

Right, and what happens then?

The order goes to the barista.

Who's that?

So, can you make the coffee?

Nothing's come through.

OK. "Start new order,

"takeaway, hot drinks,

"americano, medium, place order."

There we go. It says, "Placing order."

So, can you make it?

Does it say "placed" or "placing"? Placing.

Yeah, nothing's come through. OK.

Well... But can you not start making it?

I don't know what you want.

I want an americano, medium, to go...

Yeah, it's come through. Right, great, thank you.

Does it strike you as insane that you're there and I'm here

and we have to go through a robot middleman to order a coffee,

instead of me using my mouth

to communicate the information to your ears,

which is how human beings have done it for, oh, 10,000 years?

Got to be... got to be 10,000 years.

It wouldn't have been a coffee then, it would've been, I don't know,

woolly mammoth milk, something like that. What did you say?

It was ironic that the very technology

designed to bypass human interaction

actually sparked a lively conversation.

We talked about the internet, AI,

even how robots were once used to sell instant potato,

before leaving empty-handed.

Unfortunately, Gen Z seem incapable of saying,

"Hey, mate, you've forgotten your coffee."

But the visit to the cafe troubled me.

It seems technology is severing the ties that once bound us

and isolation is on the rise -

though this is stock footage, and that lady is not me.

But as I munch gum in a friend's vineyard,

I wonder - are we sleepwalking into isolation,

as one might sleepwalk nude into a kitchen,

or are some of us seeking it out?

It's something I first touched on

in a report for the BBC's This Time programme in 2021.

"Hell is other people."

So spoke French philosopher Jean-Michel Jarre.

A story on the UK's housing shortage,

during which I visited the home of co-renters

I mistakenly referred to as rent boys and rent girls,

for which I later apologised.

Meet Gina, as she quietly says hello.

A trainee physiotherapist living, like so many,

with the nightmare of forced proximity.

And how many people live here right now?

There's three of us.

But there's only two bedrooms.

They turned one of the rooms downstairs into another bedroom.

Which would've been the dining room.

Yeah. So, if you want to have a dinner party, ain't happening.

Yeah, we don't really do that.

I'd been asked to shine a light on what it's like

for a young generation forced to share space with others.

You have never known the joy, the pleasure,

of hosting a dinner party for, let's say,

the head of a local car dealership network and his charming wife,

a leading Rotarian and his charming daughter,

and a couple of charming divorcee friends...

Though, as the conversation went on,

I realised I knew nothing about the young generation.

Do you mind me asking how many bathrooms you have? One.

One each?

No, one between us. How does that work?

Well, when you're out, you kind of

just shout down the stairs, "Bathroom's free."

Right, so you literally have to shout? Yeah.

So, you're standing right where you are now.

Yeah. And you shout...

Bathroom's free.

"Bathroom's free!"

Exactly, yeah.

You know, your bathroom might not be free,

but your spirit bloody well is.

It's been a pleasure meeting you.

I'll see myself out.

It is below asking price,

but I'll put it to the vendor.

Yeah.

Oh, can I just put you on hold for a second?

The other bidder's just trying me.

Yeah, one sec.

Today, visiting Gina again,

I find things have changed beyond all recognition.

She no longer works as a physiotherapist,

instead working for a thriving nationwide estate agency.

Honestly, to hear the way you handled

those two customers earlier was a privilege.

And when I saw you play one buyer off against another,

I started to well up. Thank you.

And then when you had an audible conversation with a vendor

on the other line and I suddenly realised

there was no vendor, you'd invented him,

and the whole thing was an elaborate deception,

I thought, "My goodness, her confidence has blossomed."

It had been great to see Gina again and witness how living alone

had made her a happier, more effective person.

..rabbit-like earlier, and then two fangs, which I've had flattened.

So, isolation at home is no bad thing.

But what about in the workplace?

Some people embrace solitude.

Lollipop men, male librarians,

and male dinner ladies, or dinnermen.

But if I were to say to you...

..now...

..crane drivers, you'd probably think,

"That's an interesting one, Alan, and one I hadn't thought of."

Mention hermits and people think of bearded cave-dwellers,

but today's hermits are found 200 feet in the air.

I'm talking about the men, and women -

there's one on a building site in Leeds - who operate cranes.

Partridge, you wanker!

I'm here at ground zero.

Don't worry, I don't mean the New York tourist attraction.

I mean, I'm simply standing on the ground.

And I'm here to talk to crane driver Paul Jones.

But I don't want to shout.

Solution - the first-ever British television interview

CONDICTED by walkie-talkie.

Conducted.

Ground control to Major Tom.

Can you hear me, Major Tom? Over.

My name's Paul. Right, yeah.

Can you see me? I'm wearing red, Paul. Over.

A red pullover?

No, I'm not wearing a red pullover, Paul. I'm wearing red, Paul. Over.

Although I am wearing a red pullover, Paul. Over.

Pullover pullover? So, you're wearing two...

No, just wearing one pullover, Paul.

Over.

I'm going to stop saying over, Paul. Over. That was the last one.

I enjoyed Paul's accent,

one of those slower Liverpudlian accents

a non-Liverpudlian can follow.

It's a fact many people find the Liverpool accent indecipherable,

which is why they cancelled Brookside.

We all have different ways of coping with solitude.

In the film Cast Away, Tom Hanks started going out with a football.

When I'm stuck on my own, I hum hymns,

or if I've got a wet mouth, I do freeform whistling.

What do YOU do?

I read, I observe, um... I embrace solitude.

What about friends? Do you get on with the other crane drivers?

No. Do you have a partner?

I'm a hermit who lives in a box

pissing into plastic bottles all day.

It's not a life people can get their head around.

Yeah, I wouldn't open with it on my Tinder profile.

It sounds quite lonely, Paul.

Does a shepherd get lonely as he watches his flock?

I don't know.

I think they just go on their phones.

Like Zeus looking down from Mount Olympus, I look down from on high

and see people like ants on their hind legs, with four spare arms.

You do get regular evaluations?

As the conversation went on, I began to question

whether the man was even IN a crane.

All I had was his word.

And remember, he was still essentially a builder.

..throne in the sky.

The same way God created the world.

Yeah, but that's not being godlike, is it?

That's just being high up.

I mean, people who fly helicopters are high up,

but Noel Edmonds wouldn't say he was God.

That's a really bad example.

With no evidence to support his claim,

it was with regret I decided to terminate the interview at 10:56am.

How ARE you?

So, people matter, and having the right people around you

puts you firmly in the mental health driving seat,

even if some relationships call for more delicate handling.

Oh, I've got a man coming to tile the bathroom this afternoon,

so you'll need the keys and the money.

Right, well, there are the keys.

Are you going to be... Are you going to be out all day?

Yeah, I told you, I've got to go to London,

see my solicitor about that tenant.

Oh, the troublesome one.

Oh, yes.

She reckons that there's damp.

Yeah, well, there wasn't when she moved in.

She probably put it there.

Of course, an employer-employee dynamic is different to

a lover-lovee dynamic,

and the tension between them has to be navigated with care.

Remember to ask for that money.

Only I'm not certain she paid you back last time.

Perhaps I should keep a tally.

Lynn, a relationship is more than just penny-pinching

and bean-counting.

It's a two-way flow of goods and services, like the Irish border.

I'd just hate to think of you becoming a bit of a Denis Thatcher.

He got to meet a lot of very important wives.

Give her another chance, Lynn.

I know you probably think she's just a sexy witch,

but she goes to the gym three times a week,

and I love her unconditionally.

So, should I keep a tally?

Yes, keep a tally.

Don't crease it.

But away from the personal realm,

psychologists believe interaction with people

in our professional lives has mental BEALTH HENEFITS too.

I've headed to a train station with one of the fattest yellow lines

on the network to find out more.

As Norfolk's former car laureate,

tasked with promoting car use and ownership across the county,

I was contractually precluded

from using public transport wherever possible.

But today, I adore train travel, relaxing with my shoes off

as we wend our way past the golf courses

that make up our precious green belt.

For me, train travel is the best way to see Britain.

But I'm not talking about what you see out of the window.

I'm talking about what you find inside the train - the people.

Cup of coffee and a KitKat, please.

So, I've come to experience for myself

whether being one of these people

can improve the way we feel. And to test it out...

Sorry.

..there can be no better job than this.

Tempt anyone, hot and cold snacks?

A train attendant.

Keep your elbows in, please.

Theirs is a life of constant interactions...

Morning. Just tuck your feet in there, love.

..each one stimulating the release

of feel-good brain drug dopamine.

I like going backwards.

And, as I leaned into the role...

Teas and coffees!

..I found myself able to cope with situations

that would normally be stressful.

There we go.

Oh. Ow! Ow!

I do apologise. It's my first day. I'll get you some ice.

We've got no ice. What can I get you to hold against it?

I can give you a can of Sprite. Oh, OK, thanks. £1.50.

Jesus...

It's not even cold.

I know. There's no ice.

I don't even want a Sprite.

Well, why did you buy one, then? Silly man.

And when my social battery began to dim

around Stowmarket,

my respect for Britain's trolley attendants only deepened.

Nothing a bit less rich?

Just what's on the menu.

Is the risotto any good?

It's train risotto.

If you, er... If you want a candlelit dinner,

I suggest you catch the Orient Express,

but I don't think it stops at Ipswich.

Just another one of its luxury features.

Is it any good?

Well, if you lower your expectations to a savoury rice pudding

with two mushrooms in it, er...

..I won't say you won't be disappointed,

but you won't be AS disappointed.

I'll have one of them. Great. OK.

My colleagues will just get it out of the microwave.

Enjoy your meal.

Well, eat your meal.

Just not really appropriate.

I like to make a little joke, and most of them get it...

It's been a fascinating morning

serving snacks and hot drinks,

in which only a single passenger had been scalded.

For the afternoon, though, I was keen to try a role

with a dash more authority.

Tickets and passes, please.

Tickets and passes, please. Tickets and passes, please.

Tickets and passes, please.

Hello.

Yeah, these are economy. They're not valid in first class, I'm afraid.

There's no room in economy, so...

Oh, there are two seats in the next carriage

and two seats in the very last carriage.

So, not together? They're not together, no.

So, if you just want to get your things...

Looking back now,

I realise that while initially enjoyable...

Can I see your railcard?

..the authority I'd been granted was intoxicating.

Yeah, this is an off-peak ticket...

And, while I think it's important

the aisles were kept clear...

Want to pop your bag on the shelf provided?

..the power was turning me into an Alan I didn't like.

Alan Sugar.

It was time to go home.

Station sign...

How ARE you?

Ahhh!

When it comes to mental health,

some say there's no better antidepressant

than the one you can pat on the head.

Dogs have been providing us with companionship

and a welcome mood boost for millennia.

And, while my friends in Saudi consider them to be unclean,

I disagree, though mean no disrespect whatsoever

to the Kingdom, or to His Excellency.

I am off to the local dog and cat rescue centre

to see if any of the inhabitants can win my affection,

which will be a tall order.

The last time I used the term "good boy"

was, er, for my late, great quadruped.

Seldom, the most wonderful dangerous dog in the world,

pictured here alongside a man who walked him when I didn't want to.

When a small dog dies, you move on, get a new one.

You never get over the death of a big dog.

So, um...

Oh, that's interesting.

That's Daryl Flench's Range Rover.

Yeah.

In a hotel car park, next to Katrina... Katrina's white one.

If I park the blue one next to it,

it looks like the French tricolour, which really, er...

It does not make Katrina happy, because...

Not that she hates the French, she just doesn't like Europe.

So, um...

I thought she was in London today.

Yeah, all right.

She's a sly fox.

Norwich Cats and Dogs Home

says it provides a safe and welcoming environment.

But then so did the home we put my mother-in-law in,

and the staff there stole some of her jewellery.

But it's the dogs I'm here to browse.

So, what happened to your dog?

He perished at a funfair.

He'd been seen behind a burger van drinking beef fat,

and I think his ticker just said, "Nope."

I mean, we're always looking for volunteers.

Well, I mean, I love dogs. Yeah?

Yeah. So, yeah, so, um... Well, what would it involve?

So, we do greet and checks at 7am,

then we clean the kennels and the common spaces 10 to 12.

10 to 12. Then midday feed, adoption visits all afternoon.

Got it. Then evening exercise, feed, final check.

Yep, yep, yep. And then at seven, we do an evening clean,

and then we're out by 10pm, usually.

Great. Well, if I hear of anyone, I'll let you know.

Yeah, OK.

BARKING

Oh, gosh, it's like Banged Up Abroad,

the doggie edition, isn't it?

Yeah, and they're all behind bars for smuggling drugs.

You wouldn't... You wouldn't hide drugs up your bum, would you?

Unless they were worming tablets. Have they been wormed? Yeah.

This is like Silence Of The Lambs.

You'd have no trouble eating my liver, would you?

All washed down with a nice bowl of water.

And they can see us as well?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hello!

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Can he go on the bed if he's been a good boy?

It was sad to see these animals in here.

If I had my way, it's not dogs we'd lock up like this.

It's people.

Hello!

Can I meet this dog? Er, yeah. Yeah. Great.

Curly-haired brown dog. Come on.

Come on. Hello. Hello.

Oh, he jumped into my arms! What a smasher!

Yeah, you're a little smasher, aren't you? He's a great one.

I'm going to call him Dougie.

Oh, it's actually Sebastian.

Oh, how much for Dougie?

Oh, no, he's going to another family.

I'll double it.

No, it's not about the money.

They've filled in the forms, the kids are really excited to see him.

Four times.

No. Right, OK, just put the cameras down.

Put the camera down...

Off-camera, Lara was kind enough to put me

in touch with the dog's new family,

in order to ask if I could visit the dog once a month and stroke it.

While clearly not a natural redhead,

Lara's attitude was professional, friendly and caring,

which is why I'm naming her

as an Alan Partridge Community Champion.

Hello.

So, what have I learnt?

That good mental health isn't about surrounding yourself

with a crowd, or dogs.

It's about curating an effective network of key individuals.

So, returning home, I was pleased to find that, on my suggestion,

which was mandatory,

my assistant had made a bit more of an effort with my partner.

They were sharing a bottle of MY wine.

Do you know, I've never noticed how bandy his legs are before.

He couldn't trap a pig in a ginnel. LYNN GIGGLES

The ginnel, it's the narrow passageway they used to have

between those old terraced houses that didn't have an inside toilet.

Lynn lived in one till she was 25.

He's very touchy about his legs.

But I always think gentle teasing brings people together.

Being able to laugh at yourself is key to good mental health.

Only kidding. So am I.

Mind you, I give as good as I get, and moments later I was

teasing Katrina no end with funny questions about where she'd been.

..have dinner with him. OK, I'll give him a call, yeah.

Did I see your Range Rover parked outside a hotel in Norwich earlier?

No.

Oh, OK. Sorry, I thought I did.

Well, you couldn't have, cos I was in London, weren't I, you daft sod?

All right, cool, cool, cool. See you, sexy.

Not if I see you first.

The people in my life make me feel great.

But there was one final thing I was curious about.

If man did want to be on his own,

could technology help?

Throughout history, technology has risen to meet the challenge.

When we needed to hunt, spears.

When we needed transport, the wheel.

When we needed to tame nature,

man soon invented the strimmer.

But now we're in need of companionship,

can technology step up?

It's a subject that's fascinated me for weeks.

Using AI technology and advanced robotics, I believe that

a cyborg unit will soon become the norm in every British household.

I'd like you to meet Zuzan.

Hello, Zuzan.

Hello, Alan. Can I help you with anything?

Not right now, thank you.

Able to respond instantly to my commands,

she can provide service around the household

in a safe and reliable way.

Let's go inside.

A fascinating vision of what the future might hold.

A live-in physical appliance equipped with state-of-the-art AI.

It's expected that early iterations

will be able to perform a variety of household tasks.

I think I'll have the chicken Caesar salad,

but I don't want any anchovy in it.

I don't like any fish smaller than a fish finger.

If that's what you like.

The great thing is, Zuzan will learn that.

It will be logged and filed.

No more conversations like, "What did I say about not liking anchovy?"

Or responses like, "I'm sorry, but I've had a lot on my mind recently."

The slight chippiness in her tone is a sort of design glitch

that can be ironed out at the next software update.

Time for your vitamins and statins.

Thank you, Zuzan.

OK, seven across. A savoury pear...

Avocado.

Yeah. I was going to say that.

And companionship? Well, she'd be no slouch there either.

With a full charge, she'd be able to simulate good company, day or night.

OK, two down, seven letters. A north-westerly wind

which blows across southern France into the Mediterranean...

Mistral. Yeah, you're answering too quickly. Let me get some of them!

Of course, eventually each unit would recalibrate to reflect

the user's preferences.

But just think about that for a second.

An assistant incapable of irritating you.

And they can also be programmed to have the kind of conversations

you actually want to have.

The level of incompetence is absolutely staggering.

I know. They don't know their arse from their elbow.

Yeah, which begs the question,

what are we actually paying our council tax for?

Bloody diversity training, that's what.

Ha!

This is a prototype. The voice modulation isn't quite there yet.

But you're absolutely right.

So, dystopian nightmare or idyllic partnership between man and machine?

Only time will tell.

For now, though, I think I prefer the company of humans.

But... Zuzan, do join us.

You all right? Yes. Are you all right?

Yeah.

I lo... I like you.