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♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Hate to see you go ♪

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ We are feeling low ♪

♪ Someone's wooing you in, someone's doing you in now ♪

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Hate to see you fade ♪

♪ Bye-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Thought you had it made ♪

♪ But they're dumping you up ♪

♪ And they're pumping you up now ♪

♪ Don't you know lechery ♪

♪ Leads you to treachery ♪

♪ Things boomerang ♪

♪ Someone you trifle with pulls out a rifle ♪

♪ Without a pang ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang! ♪

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Cashing in your chips ♪

♪ Bye-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Time you came to grips ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt ♪

♪ Strike three, you're out ♪

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Cashing in your chips ♪

♪ Bye-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Time you came to grips ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt ♪

♪ Strike three, you're out ♪

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

Good-bye!

Welcome, dear boy, welcome.

Crafty, how nice of you to pick me up.

My dear boy, it was the very least I can do.

I only wish it could have been under happier circumstances.

What an awful thing to have happened.

- A shocking, terrible thing. - Porter?

Sorry.

- How was your flight, George? - Tiring?

Just the first 6,000 miles.

I'll bet you we flew over both poles, North and South.

Porter?

And it wasn't just the flight out of Paris.

You know, your cable didn't catch me

until I was in Biarritz.

Then I had to drive all night long to get back to Paris,

and then there was this unbelievable series of foul-ups

until I finally arranged to get on the plane.

Crafty, old boy, I have really had it.

I can imagine, but I want you to know

I think it was absolutely marvelous of you

to drop everything and get here.

I really appreciate it, George,

and I know that if Charlie knew...

Skip it. I'm here because I want to be here.

I'll meet you gentlemen at the auto exit downstairs.

My car is parked just outside...

black Rolls Royce, MC-1.

I knew you were hard at work, George,

but I just couldn't conceive of anybody else

speaking a few words of farewell

at Charlie's memorial service.

Oh, I know. Now, look, I'm gonna do my best.

I want you to know that I'm not very good at this.

Aw, now, look, you'll be fine.

Now, I took some notes on the plane, but...

You will be absolutely wonderful.

You go in and take care of the crowd.

I'll get the bags.

- All right. - I'll help you, boss.

- Janie, nice to see you. - Isn't Kenneth here yet?

Oh, Ken was heartbroken he couldn't be here, darling,

but he's in the semifinals

of the golf tournament at Hillcrest.

- Franny. - And George, it's wonderful

to see you. I only wish it could be...

Could have been under happier circumstances, yes.

Of course, I didn't know Charlie that well.

He was more a friend of my husband's than of mine,

- but I always admired... - What happened?

Where is everybody?

Well, I don't think anybody else is coming.

Franny and I have been here over an hour.

Sir, is it possible the wrong address

- was given for the service? - Don't be ridiculous.

My office personally sent out all the telegrams.

Crafty,

Harry asked me to explain that he wanted to be here,

but some exhibitors came in from Ohio...

Hello, Sue?

Listen, Sue, I'm out here at the... at the beach house.

There's practically nobody.

Well, I know you sent everybody wires,

but you should have followed up by phone.

Oh, you did follow up by phone?

Well, a golf tournament

couldn't keep everybody from coming.

But this is only Tuesday.

Nobody goes to Palm Springs before... before the weekend.

Oh, well, what about the Writers' Guild?

Surely they're gonna send somebody.

He owes how many years' dues?

All right, Sue.

Seems to be one of those days when nobody can get away.

Crafty, can't we begin?

I don't think anybody else is coming.

Now?

But, uh,

don't you think we ought to wait just a few more minutes?

Dear boy,

turnout-wise, this isn't what we hoped for,

but I'm very much afraid this is it.

- Just us? - But people may be on their way,

maybe hung up in traffic or something.

George, I'd be the last to hurry you

in a matter like this, but the fact is,

I'm giving a little dinner party at LaRue,

so if we could just get cracking?

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

Uh, I want you to know

I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

Sir, if it would be at all helpful,

we've brought along a tape recording of Handel's "Messiah"

sung by the Vienna Choir.

Thanks, but some other time maybe.

Mister, please.

Well, here we are,

those of us who were Charlie Sorel's friends,

gathered in his house while somewhere out there

in the vast ocean lies Charlie.

First and foremost,

I would like to thank all of you here for coming out.

I know that poor Charlie would have been...

well, I don't know if he'd been gratified

by the size of the gathering,

but he would have been pleased to know that

those who loved him most in life

have gathered here to honor him in death...

Morton Craft, his trusted and devoted agent,

the lovely Mrs. Saltzmann, Franny to all of us,

who's here representing her husband, Mr. Harry Saltzmann,

the head of Charlie's studio,

and Janie, Mrs. Kenneth Highland,

whose husband directed several of Charlie's scripts.

Um, I'm terribly sorry to be so awkward at this,

but it's not an easy task.

The rather ghastly circumstances

of his actual demise

make it extremely difficult to think of anything to say

about the poor... about our poor departed friend.

I'm sure we all remember his wonderful zest for life

and good living,

his superior knowledge of wines.

Then too there was his...

his superb backhand,

and there was his, uh,

fearlessness on the ski slopes.

And finally, I would like to,

uh, say a few words about his value

to the hostesses of this community as an extra man.

Now, that in itself... and I'm sure Franny would be

the first one to admit... is no mean thing.

The number of presentable and unattached men

who are available at a relatively short notice

is, uh, rather limited, to say the least.

Oh, what's the use?

Charlie was Charlie. What more can I tell you?

Uh, some of us loved him, and some of us hated him,

and some of us loved and hated him both.

Anyway, he's gone, and he went, to paraphrase Mr. Eliot,

not with a whimper but with a bang...

Well, that's it.

I mean, I'm sorry I wasn't more eloquent,

but I told you I wasn't very good at this sort of thing.

That was beautiful, George, just beautiful.

- Just beautiful. - Extremely tasteful, dear boy,

and if I may say so, very touching.

It was so nice to see you again, George.

I'm sorry I have to rush off so soon,

but I'm chairman of the Beverly Hills PTA,

and there's just so much to do what with the committees and...

- Good-bye, Franny. - My best to Harry.

I actually didn't think I'd get through with it.

I've got a great longing for about eight days

of uninterrupted sleep.

Precisely what you need, dear boy.

I think you'll find everything here

in the house that you require.

When you get a moment,

you might just glance through these,

Charlie's estate.

The will named you as executor.

Me, executor?

Why would he do a stupid thing like that?

Don't worry, dear boy.

If you'll just glance through this financial statement,

you'll see what I mean.

The assets are principally this house,

his car, and his clothing.

The house is heavily mortgaged.

There's a big loan on the car,

and most of the clothing isn't paid for.

- All this for back taxes? - Didn't he ever pay them?

Seldom, if ever.

Well, dear boy, as you've so aptly put it,

Charlie was Charlie.

Good-bye, dear boy. Make yourself comfortable.

I'll be in touch with you.

- Good-bye, Janie. - Bye, Crafty.

George, darling, I really must rush too.

It's been so nice seeing you again,

and what you said really touched...

don't get up... really touched me.

You know, I feel a better person somehow,

a little finer, more noble.

George, uh,

somewhere around this house is a dinner dress of mine.

I left it here one night.

Well, I couldn't very well wear it home

in broad daylight, could I?

I understand. You want me to go look for it now?

Oh, no, no, darling, but if you find it, uh,

would you just mail it to me?

It's an original, cost 850 bucks.

Sure, Janie, sure.

- Thanks, George. - Buh-bye.

I'll put your bags in the bedroom, sir.

- Thank you. - Excuse me, sir.

Yes?

Our after-grief service will remove the chairs tomorrow.

Thank you.

Will there be anything else this evening, sir?

I sincerely hope not.

- Good night, sir. - Good night.

♪ Good-bye ♪

Charlie, you poor old goat.

I'm gonna miss you, kid.

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Charlie ♪

I beg your pardon, sir.

I'm sorry, but the services are over.

- Everybody's been and gone. - Excuse me, sir, but I...

I encountered this young lady on the highway.

My friend, you and your friend...

She's not my friend, but she was...

look, that is to say she...

well, she was undressed, and I gave her my coat.

Uh, you want the Malibu Motel...

No, it's nothing like that.

I'm on my way to Santa Barbara, a rather important dinner,

my mother's birthday, and I'm late already,

but she asked me to bring her here.

- Here? - Well, why on Earth here?

I never saw her before in my life.

She didn't exactly ask, but when she saw the hou...

your house, well, she made me stop and bring her in,

so if you don't mind, I'll be on my way,

- and you can take over. - Now, now, just a minute.

For one thing, it's not my house.

You don't know me, do you?

Do you? Don't she talk?

- I'm afraid she's ill. - Her memory is... like amnesia?

- Oh, come on. - No, I was planning

to take her to a doctor or a hospital.

- Well, take her, take her. - No, here, please.

You want Charlie Sorel, don't you?

You're one of Charlie Sorel's friends, aren't you?

Charlie Sorel?

Charlie Sorel?

Look, sir, she knows this place.

She must belong here, and I've got... good grief!

Excuse my language, but my mother will be so disappointed

if I'm not there when they bring the cake, you understand.

You're not leaving here without her.

- I'll call you tomorrow. - You found her.

She's yours. Come... come back!

I'm deeply indebted to you, sir,

and don't worry about my coat. I hope that the young lady

makes a swift and complete recovery.

- Good-bye. - Come back here!

She's sick!

You can't leave her here like this!

Come back!

Uh, uh,

hey, you.

Uh, Madame X?

Wake up.

Speak to me.

All right, don't speak to me.

I'll speak to me.

Well, what kind of a day did you have, George?

Smashing.

Oh, well, I didn't exactly have to, uh,

force that down your throat, did I?

It's good.

- What is it? - It's brandy.

Where have you been all your life?

I don't know.

I can't remember anything about anything.

I know, amnesia.

- Amnesia? - Yeah, well, it's a...

it's a television disease, but never mind about that.

What do you remember?

Only being on the highway,

a man giving me his coat.

I was shivering in the car.

Suddenly, I saw this house,

and felt if I could just be inside,

I'd be safe.

Safe? In Charlie Sorel's house?

Charlie Sorel?

- Mm-hmm. - You must have known him.

That's why the house struck a chord.

Come on, now, why don't you get up and take a good look around?

Come on.

Go on.

Nothing, huh?

Well, I'll tell you what.

There's a terrific little hospital

down the road in Malibu.

- I'm gonna phone for a cab. - Please, no.

- Please, yes. - Please, let me stay.

I'm sure I'll remember something here...

just till the morning, please.

- Till the morning? - Are you kidding?

You may not know it, but you're a very pretty girl,

and furthermore, you're not dressed for houseguesting,

and in addition, how do I know but you may have a husband

the size of a house that's out looking for you right now?

Oh, what the hell.

I'm too tired. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

There. It's all yours.

Come on, come on.

The bathroom's here.

Now, the first thing in the morning,

in sickness or in health,

we make other arrangements,

right?

- Thank you. - What's your name?

My name?

My name, uh... now you got me doing it.

My name's George Tracy.

George Tracy.

My name won't mean a thing.

Charlie Sorel, that's the one to concentrate on.

This is his house. You remember Charlie Sorel?

Big guy with broad... skip it.

Well, I think you got everything.

- Good night. - No.

Don't leave me, please?

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll leave the door open, but that's the best I can do.

Good night.

Night.

Shh, shh!

Stop it! There's nothing to scream about!

Everything's fine! It's all right!

Everything's all right. You're safe.

Be calm. Just...

Oh.

For a little girl,

you have the lungs of a deep sea diver.

- Oh. - What was it, a nightmare?

Huh?

George, don't you know me?

Yeah, I know you.

You don't know you. That's your problem.

George, look at me.

Will you please go to sleep?

George, it's Charlie.

- It's Charlie Sorel. - Now...

I'm Charlie Sorel.

- Okay, miss. - Okay.

Any... anything you say, anything at all,

but will you please go to sleep

before I hit you over the head with this lamp?

Oh.

George...

I don't understand this any more than you.

- All right. - But I'm Charlie Sorel.

It suddenly came to me in my sleep.

- Sleep, thanks. - George.

Wake up, George, please.

George, I'm your best friend, Charlie Sorel.

We'll discuss this first thing in the morning.

- Good night. - George, it's true.

Leo Sartori caught me making a pass at Rusty on the yacht,

- and he shot me. - That's nice.

Now, George,

George, you listen to me.

Your name is George W. Tracy. The W stands for Wellington.

You live at 231 Avenue Kléber in Paris.

Your telephone number is Balzac-4889.

You have a mole on your left shoulder blade.

Look, sister, I don't know what the gag is,

but I've had a very rough day. I...

In 1950, we wrote a picture together

based on an original story you sold the studio.

We had a secretary named Shirley something,

lived on Fountain Avenue, and neither of us knew

the other was making out with her

until we bumped into each other on the stairs

one rainy Sunday afternoon, right?

Who put you up to this?

Was it Crafty?

Your bank in Paris is the First National City branch

on the Place Vendôme.

Two years ago, you cashed a check from me for $1,000.

It bounced, but I made it good when I got lucky

at the Cannes Film Festival.

I gave you the money in chips, right?

And that same weekend, you nearly drowned

when my surfboard hit you in the head, right?

Now, doesn't that prove I'm Charlie?

All it proves is that you knew Charlie,

and he told you all these things.

Oh, I am Charlie,

you stubborn bonehead!

What about the time you took that producer's girlfriend,

the redhead, to Tijuana for the bullfights,

but you got stuck there 'cause it turned out

she wasn't an American citizen

and didn't have a reentry permit?

- I get it. - I get it.

You're, uh...

you're one of Charlie's girls, and he...

he promised to marry you or borrowed money from you.

Well, you're wasting your time because

he's not gonna marry you or pay back the dough

because he's dead.

D-E-A-D.

Now, you can stay the night, have a hot breakfast,

and out.

Okay, George,

I didn't want to hurt you,

but you're asking for it.

Last Christmas, just three months ago,

you were in St. Moritz with a model from Harper's,

Elsa Underwood. You were crazy about her.

You even talked of getting married,

but she got a telegram from Dick Avedon

and had to rush back to Paris for retakes.

- Dick Avedon, my foot. - That telegram was a phony.

She came back to meet some guy,

and they were shacked up in some hotel...

The Ritz, George,

in a suite overlooking the Place Vendôme.

It was me, George. I'm sorry.

You dirty rat.

- I should have known! - She was no good, George!

And my good friend Charlie Sorel's

gonna be the one to prove it to me, right?

Yeah, you were getting serious about her.

You double-crossing...

- I couldn't let you... - I did it for you, George!

- Me? - My word of honor.

Ha, Charlie Sorel's word of honor.

You could have been badly hurt, George,

- and I didn't want... - That's enough, Charlie!

Drop it!

You know who I am now,

don't you, George?

Now you know why I was screaming.

What kind of a weird setup is this?

What's going on?

George,

what am I gonna do?

George? George?

George! George?

And then this cat in a big black Ferrari...

he came screaming to a stop.

He bundled me up in his coat, and he stuck me in a car...

Now, look... now, look, I know all about that,

but what about the actual, uh, transition?

I mean, don't you have any clue to that?

This isn't easy to assimilate, you know.

You're telling me!

Yeah.

Once and for all,

will you stop worrying about petty details

and just take a good look

at the whole ghastly

overall picture?

What do they want from me? How long is this gonna last?

Am I gonna be hung up like this for the rest of my life?

Now, Charlie, come on, now.

Let's... let's be calm. Let's not lose our heads.

Now...

There's probably some perfectly simple explanation

for the whole thing.

Like what?

I don't know,

and stop yelling at me, or I'll walk right out of here.

I'm not in trouble, you know. You're in trouble.

I'm not a girl. You're a girl.

George, George, you can't leave me.

I'm trapped.

Well,

I'm only trying to do my best to help you,

but apparently, my best isn't good enough.

George, you got to stick by me... for a while, anyway.

George, if you walk...

George, if you walk out on me,

I swear I'm gonna walk right back into that ocean

and drown myself!

Oh,

with the way they got this thing rigged,

I'll probably bounce right back

like a yo-yo.

Well, all right, Charlie,

but no more flare-ups, okay? Get calm.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

- That a boy. - I'm calm.

- Steady, steady. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm steady, and I'm calm.

Now what?

Now...

The thing is to look at this

as calmly and as realistically as possible.

You, Charlie Sorel, for reasons that we don't understand

and probably wouldn't even care to discuss,

are no longer a man. You're a girl.

If only it'd been anything else.

If only I'd been washed up on that beach as anything...

animal, vegetable, mineral, but not a girl!

Not a girl!

Aw, come on, Charlie.

It's not fair to indict the entire sex.

I thought you liked girls.

In fact, that was one of your big problems in life.

Now, let me tell you a thing or two

about those gorgeous girls, George...

nuts, dangerous,

psychotic, truly demented cuckoos,

as cute and cuddly as a flight of tracer bullets!

They can have lovers the way other people eat cherries,

but if you take another girl, even to lunch in a drive-in,

whammo!

They lie to me and to you, to their husbands,

to their lovers, to their analysts,

and the cashier in the supermarket!

Oh, I know I've been accused of treating girls badly,

George, and I have,

but only in self defense.

Charlie, suddenly...

suddenly, the whole thing is blindingly clear.

What whole thing?

This thing that's happened to you.

There is an all-wise, all-seeing providence,

and you are its special baby.

What are you talking about?

It's the Old Testament speaking,

the master plan,

an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

Cut it out, George. You're scaring the hell out of me.

But there's a grandeur about it that's staggering.

All your life, you've taken advantage of women.

You've been the wolf let loose on the Assyrian fold,

and now the punishment has been created,

custom tailored, in fact, to fit the crime.

The tables have been turned, Charlie.

Instead of pitching, you are the catcher.

What a horrible thought.

It's as though I'd been a gourmet all my life,

and now suddenly, I'm a lamb chop.

George, do you realize I hit you with my left?

- Huh? You did? - Oh, that's okay, Charlie.

No, no, no, George, it was my left, my famous left hook.

You always said it was lethal.

You should have gone down like a sack of oatmeal.

Yeah.

- Nothing! - No, this is too much!

I won't stand for it!

- Charlie... - Maybe I haven't been

- the west coast Dr. Schweizer. - Now, Charlie...

Maybe I do deserve some kind of a payoff, but not this!

We're gonna work this out together, Charlie.

- Not this! - Now, relax. Stay calm.

- Okay. - I'll get you a drink.

- Now, just be calm. - Yeah, yeah.

- I'll get you a drink. - Right, right.

Think of something, George, please.

- We will. - There are any number

of possibilities, and we're gonna try them all.

Uh, Charlie, you're out of vodka.

Well, try the bookcase.

I used to hide stuff there from the maid.

- The bookcase? - What possibilities, George?

- Name something. - Well, in the first place,

there's a chance this whole thing might blow over.

Of course, then we're in the clear.

Where in the bookcase, Charlie?

Behind "War and Peace."

Where else would you hide vodka in a bookcase?

- "War and Peace." - "War and Peace."

But what if it doesn't blow over, George?

- "War and Peace." - Then what?

Then in that case,

we've got the whole medical profession to go back on.

You know, it could be glandular.

Maybe it's your metabolism.

Maybe a good psychiatrist might even help.

Honest, George, you think that might help?

I don't know, but it's worth a shot, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

I might as well.

The shape I'm in, I'll try anything.

That's the spirit.

Now, there's this doctor in Beverly Hills. What's his name?

Uh, Kessler, Kiessler, Kessler, something like that,

but he's treated practically all of Crafty's clients,

and they swear by him, say he's a wizard.

I'm gonna make an appointment for you this afternoon.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

Oh, George, I don't know what I would have done

if I had to face this without you.

Oh, forget it.

You're the only friend I've got.

I wouldn't say that.

George, what are those things?

Were you running a floating bingo game?

No, we had a, uh, memorial service for you here yesterday.

- A memorial? - Mm-hmm.

Good crowd, huh?

Well, actually, uh...

uh, we did our best to keep it down, you know?

Just the real chums.

I delivered a sort of a... well, a eulogy,

I guess you'd call it.

You should have seen how affected they were.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Thanks, kid.

A memorial service...

eh, why not?

Charlie Sorel is finished, left hook and all.

All that's left of me is this.

Now, Charlie,

you've got to make an effort

to look at the bright side of things.

So, you're a girl. So what?

- It's not the end of the world. - Yeah.

Did it hurt Garbo, being a girl?

What about Madame Curie, Florence Nightingale,

Harriet Beecher Stowe... girls, all girls.

- Yeah, sure. - I'll bear it in mind.

And while you're looking at the bright side,

what about that 75 grand you owe the government

in back income taxes, hmm?

They're gonna have a pretty tough time

trying to collect, aren't they?

I must say, I like that aspect.

- Mm-hmm. - Now, first things first.

You've got to have, uh, something to wear.

I'll zip down to that little boutique in Malibu

and buy you something, a housedress or something.

Huh.

Okay, a pants and shirt for a starter,

something that'll be easier for you to handle.

And, uh,

I'm gonna have to get you something for underneath here

- and, uh, and here. - Yes, just my luck.

Only last week I bought two dozen pairs of jockey shorts.

And I'd say you're about a size, oh, seven.

Okay, George, get cracking.

While you're gone, I'll shower and shave.

Here's something, Charlie.

"A basic concept of religious life in ancient Egypt

was the principle of reincarnation."

That's you, Charlie, reincarnation.

"In general, the transmigration of the soul

"was reserved for those who had, on Earth,

"led worthy and wholesome lives,

and these fortunate souls returned in the form of..."

"Birds."

You want to try flapping your wings, Charlie?

"Similar beliefs..."

Hey, George, come here.

Huh?

George, look at this.

"Similar beliefs existed among

"certain prehistoric Inca and Mayan peoples.

"However, the priests thought that soul survived on Earth

as a living shrub, tree, or other foliage, and s..."

How about that?

My, my.

Good old mother nature.

Imagine.

I don't have to go see Brigitte Bardot movies anymore.

All I have to do is come home and pull down the shades.

What a nutty way to talk.

And will you button your blouse?

Okay.

It's wild, isn't it?

I feel so darn,

well, feminine.

In the bathroom I had a sudden desire...

came out of nowhere... to paint my toenails.

Paint your toenails?

What are you, some kind of a...

now, look, right now,

we have an awful lot of business to discuss.

Your affairs are in a terrible mess.

My mind is the mind of Charlie Sorel.

I don't have to tell you what that's like.

But it's all mixed up with something kind of

soft and tender

and clinging.

Uh, now, Charlie,

don't let, uh, this thing get you all, uh,

twisted and, uh, turned inside.

I mean, remember, steady and calm.

- I'm fine. - What's wrong with you?

- Me? - Nothing, nothing at all.

Hey, George, do you think I'm attractive?

Man to man, George, tell me the truth, huh?

Uh, Charlie, you are, uh,

undoubtedly, uh,

a very attractive girl.

Now, do you mind?

Let's get down to business, huh?

Business, business, business.

Is that all you can talk about?

Hmm.

No wonder American women are so frustrated.

- Charlie, you're broke! - Did you know that?

I mean, this is your estate,

of which you so kindly made me your executor.

You're not only broke, you're bankrupt,

and I can't help you

because I spent practically the last of my dough

getting here for your lousy funeral.

You know, George,

it hurts me to see you worrying about money.

You're an artist, George,

a fine and sensitive person.

Mm-hmm, well, climb down off that daydream, Charlie.

You're in hock up to your ears.

Charlie Sorel was.

Poor Charlie.

Just what's going on in that twisted

little mind of yours, chickie?

I'm not sure, George,

but I'm full of confidence.

I felt it the minute I got into this outfit,

even more just before I got into it.

This is a town full of suckers, George.

We both know that...

male, female, or what have you.

And I'm fully equipped to handle anything.

Don't tell me that you think of this

as just a springboard to some new racket.

And I didn't ask for this.

I'm stuck with it.

Just tell me one thing.

How do I live?

You're a writer, aren't you?

And you're experiencing something that must be,

to put it mildly, unique.

Just think what Tennessee Williams would give

to be in your shoes,

or Arthur Miller,

or Henry Miller.

Yes, it has literary possibilities,

definitely.

Thanks, George, for straightening me out.

Oh, that's okay, uh, Charlie.

Well, I, uh... I, uh, think we better give these papers a shot

and see what we can salvage.

Company, for Pete's sakes.

I'll tell you what, Charlie. You go duck in the bedroom,

and whoever it is, I'll get rid of them.

Go ahead.

Hello.

Oh, how were things in Santa Barbara?

- Oh, very nice. - Thank you, sir.

Good, good.

Uh, I was driving into the city,

and I thought I'd just stop and...

- Oh, of course, you... - you want your coat.

I'll get it for you. Just a minute. Your coat.

Oh, no, sir.

No, I didn't come for my...

Oh, sorry, sir. I didn't come for my coat.

I thought I would just stop and, uh,

inquire about the health of the, uh, the young lady.

Well, the health of the young lady is fine.

- Nice of you to inquire. - She seemed so ill last night.

Are you sure she's really, uh, herself again?

Well, that's a moot point, but, uh,

she had a marvelous night's sleep last night,

and I'm...

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Won't you come in?

Yes, with pleasure.

Gee, you really are better, aren't you?

I-I... I'm glad.

Oh, it's so good of you to be concerned about me.

Thank you.

- Oh, thank you. - Permit me to introduce myself.

I'm Bruce Minton III.

Uh, George Tracy, the...

And this is m...

Mrs. Charles Sorel.

Mrs. Charles Sorel.

Delighted to meet you, M...

Mrs. Sorel?

- Yes. - I'm a widow.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It was tragic, really.

I lost my husband...

one of the finest men I've ever known...

taken from me,

cut down in the sunshine of his youth,

talent, and beauty.

But life belongs to the living.

We must go on.

And we have a thousand things to do.

I want to thank you for your kindness last night.

Well, I was only too glad to be able to help.

Oh, I mean, there I was,

wandering around in that

awful state.

I might have been picked up by just anybody,

some awful person instead of by a...

a gentleman.

Thank you.

Oh, I know a poor widow's gratitude isn't much, but...

- Oh, it is, it is. - It means a great deal to me.

- I mean... - Excuse me.

To know you're well and...

and recovered makes me very happy.

Oh, that's very kind

to worry about a total stranger.

Of course, now that I'm well,

we don't have to be strangers.

- Hello, Dr. Ke... - Dr. Kessel's office?

Yes, I would like to make an appointment, please.

It's an emergency, Mrs. Charles...

no, no, not next Thursday at 4:00.

That's out of the question.

Well, couldn't you shift one of your patients?

This emergency might explode any minute.

Oh, thank you.

Are you driving that sweet new Ferrari today?

- Yes. - It's marvelous in black,

- my favorite color. - Yes, mine too.

That's the new four-carburetor model

with a special sports body by LeFranco.

Mother ordered it for me, uh, last birthday.

I hope you'll accept a ride in it when you're fully recovered.

Oh, with pleasure, Bruce, with pleasure.

Oh, my goodness, look at the time.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry. I have to run.

I must get into town and do something about my hair.

It's a mess. George?

Oh, uh, George, dear, I'll need the keys to the car.

- Oh, I don't know if that's... - And George, uh,

you still have that charge account

at Saks Fifth Avenue, don't you?

- Now, wait a minute... - I just need a few things.

Thank you, George.

Isn't he marvy?

I don't know what I would have done

without George through this whole thing.

Bye, Bruce. Excuse me, George.

- Uh, excuse me. - Just a minute.

George, I'm in a terrible rush.

Now, slow down.

Now, what was that disgusting little two-shot in there?

I was only trying out the new equipment,

and George, it really works.

It's dynamite. I really had his motor racing,

and I haven't done anything yet.

Saks is out.

I got you an appointment with this Dr. Kessel at 3:00.

- Here's the address. - Who?

The psychiatrist!

Me? Oh, I don't need that now, George. I'm fine.

But you don't know how tough it is to get

an appointment with this cat. I had to...

Why don't you keep it, George?

Me?

Yes, you're in terrible shape.

You could crack up any minute. I'm really worried about you.

See you later, George.

Excuse me, sir?

Mr. Tracy, may I ask you a question?

Have you any personal, uh, that is to say,

uh, emotional interest in Mrs. Sorel?

I admit to you, frankly, I'd like to see her again,

b-but not if I'm trespassing on...

I happen to be his best friend,

that is, her husband's, and in his will,

he made me executor, that is,

his executor to her estate.

Now, that's quite clear, isn't it?

Yes, then it's all right with you

if I call on Mrs. Sorel again?

Uh, quite honorably, of course, I assure you.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

And may I add, sir,

you've made me very happy, very happy indeed.

- See you then. - May I help you?

- Yes, I'd like the works. - Everything?

Uh, yeah, everything.

You're new here, aren't you?

Honey, I'm new everywhere.

- May I have your name, please? - Mrs. Charles Sorel.

Oh, I see Franny Saltzmann is having herself done today.

- You know Mrs. Saltzmann? - I know her.

She doesn't know me, but you might tell her I'm here.

She's not in yet, but I'll be glad to tell her.

Will you follow me, please?

Yes, love to.

Gabriel, have you finished with Mrs. Carbine?

Oh, no, she hasn't.

Thank you.

Connie, what booths do we have vacant for Mrs. Sorel?

This one's 12.

- Oh, that's too small. - She wants to have everything.

- I can give you number five. - That's fine.

Thank you.

This way, Mrs. Sorel.

- Mrs. Sorel? - Oh.

Sidney? Sidney?

Sidney!

Well, look what those fools have done to me!

- Look at the color of that. - It's fine.

- It's exactly what I wanted. - I didn't...

- Don't worry about a thing. - You'll love it.

Oh, brother, those pros.

Now, if you'll just slip into this smock.

Crazy.

And I'll send an operator right away.

- Thanks a mil. - You've been true blue.

That's funny...

not the same thing at all.

Now, I don't want it too curly.

I told you that from the beginning.

Mrs. Saltzmann, it won't be too curly when I tease it up.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Saltzmann? - Please.

Do you know a Mrs. Charles Sorel?

- Mrs. Charles Sorel? - There's no such person.

Well, the lady in booth five

insists she's Mrs. Charles Sorel,

and she says she knows you.

Are you sure?

Why, that's impossible.

Janie, you'll never believe it. It's the most fantastic thing.

You'll have to talk louder.

Did you know that Charlie Sorel had a wife?

- One of his own? - I don't believe it.

- She's here now! - What?

In booth five.

Come in, girls.

Come in.

Let me guess.

Which one of you is Franny Saltzmann?

Oh, I'm Franny, and this is Janie Highland.

Ah, oh, yes.

My husband often talked about you.

You were, uh, married to Charlie?

- You seem surprised. - Oh, no, no, it's just that,

uh, he never mentioned having a wife.

Well, he wanted to keep it a secret.

He was afraid it might hurt his career.

I know what career he meant, too.

I hate to speak ill of the departed,

but I'm afraid Charlie

was just a teeny bit naughty.

You know how men are.

And I'll say one thing for Charlie.

He was all man.

Oh, he always told me what he had been up to,

and I cried a little,

but I forgave him.

- He, uh, told you? - Uh, always?

Oh, he was like a little boy...

so winning, so dear to me.

You don't know how I miss him.

I can imagine.

I'll bet you can.

Uh, look, we have so much to talk about. Why don't we...

O-oh, well, I'd love to, but I...

Yes, and I have a board meeting.

It's for mental health.

Oh, it's not healthy to skip lunch,

not this lunch.

Uh, the Bistro, 1:00?

- Fine. - Yeah, I can make it.

Oh, that's lovely.

See you after dainty time, girls.

How do you want your nails, Mrs. Sorel?

Uh, long and sharp.

Now, for the latest developments in the case

of the internationally-famous motion picture producer,

Sir Leopold Sartori.

Sir Leopold, who was freed yesterday on $50,000 bail,

appeared in court with his attorneys...

Yes, yes, I'm aware that Mr. Sorel

left a great many unpaid debts, yeah.

Charles Sorrel, a well-known screen writer

who was a guest on the Sartori yacht

when the fatal incident took place.

Janie, will you sit over here, and Franny, right?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Now...

I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring.

No, now that I'm a widow,

there's no use cramping my style.

I know it may sound heartless with poor Charlie moldering

at the bottom of the ocean, nothing but fish bait, really,

but after all, we're not living in the dark ages

when a wife used to throw herself into the plains.

I mean, it's not as if Charlie had been

faithful to me or anything like that.

Should we order now?

Captain?

You know, I had a very special reason

for wanting to talk to you girls.

- Really? - Yes.

I'm not gonna bore you with any figures,

but the fact is Charlie left me practically penniless.

Now, I could stay here and try modeling

or maybe even the movies.

I'm sure you girls would want to help me,

or your husbands,

but what I'd really like to do is to get far away

from Hollywood, maybe back to Europe.

Unfortunately, I'm penniless.

Well, that is too bad, sweetie.

You must let me help you.

- Oh, me too. - I'd love to help you get away

from all these unpleasant memories.

Oh, I knew Charlie's friends would be my friends too.

Oh, waiter? Waiter?

A couple of blank checks and a pen, please.

- Yes, ma'am. - After all, you would only

need a one-way ticket, wouldn't you?

And everybody goes economy class these days.

Yes, and for a while, you'd want to live quietly.

Well, for Charlie's sake

I'd have to keep up some appearances,

but I could get by nicely on

$10,000.

That's only 5 and 5.

Well, frankly, dear, I'm dying to help you get away,

but not quite that far.

That is true, sweetie.

All right, girls, if you can't help me with cash,

maybe you could give me some advice.

- Oh, all you want. - Like a shot, sweetie, like...

- Oh, please, that word. - Oh, sorry.

Ah.

I'll have to fall back on my one other asset,

Charlie's diary.

It would make the most marvelous series

of newspaper or magazine articles,

"Hollywood Bachelor, by His Wife,"

or, "Midnight at Malibu."

Charlie kept a diary?

- Writers. - Day by day.

Sometimes when he was rushed, hour by hour, but you know,

with all this publicity going on right now,

I think it would bring a terrific price.

Thank you.

Now, who do you think

would be the best agent for that kind of a deal?

Or perhaps you could ask your husbands?

There's one entry that would make a play

or a movie all by itself.

It's about a weekend in San Francisco,

a wild night in a tattoo parlor,

of all places,

and about the time he and a certain young lady

were locked up overnight in Disneyland.

Apparently, to Charlie, nothing was sacred.

Think of it... Disneyland.

Are you trying to tell me that you sold a story?

Mm-hmm.

To whom?

Oh, uh, a couple of independents,

nobody you would know.

You've been away so long.

Well, that's great, Charlie.

The down payment was 10 grand.

There'll be a lot more, oh, a lot more.

I'm doing it as a posthumous memoir of Charlie Sorel.

Well, that's terrific, Charlie.

You ought to do it in the form of a diary.

George, that's genius, a diary.

Why can't I ever think of things like that?

Well...

Oh.

Hello?

This is the seaside home of the late, great Charles Sorel.

Who? Oh, yeah, he's right here.

- Here, George. - Hello?

Who? Uh, yes.

Put him on.

You will not believe who is calling me on the phone.

Sir Leopold.

Hello, Leo? Mm-hmm, yes, that's right.

Yes, yes, uh, I... I heard it on television.

Congratulations.

Yes, it's a very good picture of you.

No, it doesn't make you look a bit old.

What? Tonight?

You're not serious.

- Are you ready for this? - Yeah.

He's giving himself a coming-out party,

and he's got the nerve to invite me.

- A party? - That's wonderful!

- No, I'm sorry, Leo. - I couldn't possibly make it.

- Oh, yeah, you could. - You know, it's... uh,

I just got off a plane. It's been a very long flight,

you know, the change of hours and everything.

Uh, well, listen, I'd better take a rain check.

Hold on for a second, please. What are you doing?

I want to go!

You will go to his party, the man who killed you?

- Oh, live and let live. - Please, George.

No!

Leo, can we keep it open?

If I can possibly make it, but don't count on it.

Good-bye, Leo. Right.

You and Sartori at his party

to celebrate his release for murdering you?

That's not only indecent. It's insane.

Welcome home, Sir Leopold.

Oh, my friend,

my very dear friend.

Oh, my humble home.

Truly, were it a palace, it could not be more dear to me

than these four walls, this handful of belongings.

See that the air conditioning

is turned on downstairs in the bowling alley.

Yes, sir.

I do not wish to discuss the tragedy

in which I was involved.

In fact, it would be most indiscreet

since the case is, as we say in Latin,

sub judice.

However, my experiences have already inspired me

to embark on a new film based on the imprisonment

of Galileo starring Richard Burton.

- Bravo! - Bravo!

Bring me a cable blank immediately.

I will wire Dickie an outline of the story straight away.

- Yes, Sir Leopold. - How can I describe to you

how I felt when the great prison bars clanged open

and I was a free man,

with the green Earth under my feet

and the clear blue sky up above.

Sir Leopold, how long were you locked up?

About 45 minutes.

- Rusty, dear. - Pardon me, Sir Leopold.

The champagne is ready to serve.

- Champagne? - Oh, forgive me.

Too cold.

You must allow the wine to breathe for a few minutes

after it is poured before you serve it.

- Welcome home, Mr. Leopold. - Welcome home.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's so wonderful, all of you.

Dinner will soon be served.

There will be dancing, of course.

Also, the Hollywood String Quartet

will play in the small library,

and in my private projection room

there will be a screening of the new art film,

"Hoki Charusi,"

a Japanese version of "Little Women."

I could not on short notice

arrange anything elaborate for this evening.

I ask you to forgive me, and I want to thank you

one and all for coming here tonight.

This is extraordinary.

Quelle surprise.

You are the girl I so much admired

in "The Ups and Downs of the Aztec Empire."

You did?

But I was just one of the human sacrifices.

There were 18 of us.

You were much more human.

Still are.

Good evening, Mr. Tracy.

How nice to have you back again.

- Thank you, Livingston. - Good evening.

- Where's Sir Leopold? - Sir Leopold?

He's in the salon, sir.

Where's the little girl's room?

Oh, the powder room is at the top of the stairs, madam.

Thank you.

Hurry, and don't talk to anybody.

I'll be back in just a teeny, little second, George.

Hello, Franny.

- Oh, George, how are you? - I'm so glad to see you.

Excuse me, dear.

Janie, nice to see you.

Oh, uh, George, how good you look.

My darling, the Sartori Foundation,

which I created to help young and unusual talents,

has one remaining scholarship.

We will discuss it in the greenhouse behind the pool.

I want you to see my office...

Well, if it isn't Fat Sartori,

the fastest gun in Beverly Hills.

George!

Welcome! Did you come alone, George?

- Uh, no, my date is, uh... - it's in the powder room.

Anyone I know?

No, it's a... it's a new face.

Could I have a double of scotch over the ice? Make it a triple.

George, I want to thank you for coming tonight.

I thought... well, after all, you were Charlie's best friend.

I was, I am, and I guess I always will be,

but that was a private thing,

and that doesn't make you my enemy.

I hope you beat the rap. For that matter,

I hope they take that trigger finger of yours

and put it in wet cement outside the Grauman's Chinese.

Well, that is very handsome of you, George.

You know, all this has amazed even me.

Since 30 years, I have been producing pictures.

I am successful, talented, not unattractive,

and then I shoot one writer, one little writer,

and suddenly I have become glamorous.

Girls who would never respond at all are now calling me

and begging for rendezvous in the San Fernando Valley.

I remember when crime didn't pay.

Oh, there you are, George.

Um, may I present our host?

My house and I are yours to command.

Leopold Sartori.

Oh, Sir Leopold Sartori.

They insisted.

The queen is such a lovely woman.

George, you're not going to introduce us properly?

Uh, of course.

I'd like to present, uh, Mrs. Charles Sorel.

Mrs. Charles Sorel?

You are the wife of Charlie?

Widow.

If I were not Hungarian by birth,

I would be speechless.

What a scene...

the best friend, the widow, the killer.

George, why don't you go somewhere and write it?

My dear, if I could undo the wrong I have done you,

if I could bring Charlie back now,

tonight,

I wouldn't.

That is the greatest compliment I have ever paid a woman.

George, I cannot allow you

to pass up the dramatic opportunity of a lifetime.

Go into my private library.

There you will find paper, typewriter,

everything you need. Lock yourself in.

Go, write.

My dear, you are exquisite,

like the fragile beauty of an early Mozart quartet

like the fire and depth of an El Draco,

like the cool perfection of a Cellini.

You're still here?

Like a mountain carved by guts in Borglum.

Are you seriously making a play for me?

In a word, yes, but don't let me rush you.

We will discuss it later, after dinner.

But it's your fault that I am a widow.

- That's Sir Leopold... - too big a man to hold a grudge.

Right.

Besides, my dear child, someday you'll thank me.

Do you feel no remorse?

Not even a twinge?

You put an end to the promising career

of a brilliant young writer.

My darling, it is my painful duty to disillusion you.

Poor Charlie's talent was gone. He had become a hack writer.

I will have my valet

make a tracing of the marks of your fingers upon my face.

Now can we go home?

Now I'm hungry.

And George,

look who's coming to join us for supper?

Who?

I don't know what I'm doing in a place like this.

I get sick even at bullfights.

Dad would never let me associate

with show business before.

Bankers... you know how prejudiced they are,

but I happened to be in Europe alone last summer,

and there I was in the reading room

of the British Museum in London.

You met Charlie in a museum?

We were both looking up fertility symbols

among the Australian primitives.

Well, anyway, there I was up on this ladder

doing nothing but pure research.

Janie Highland said you met Charlie on the beach at Cannes.

You told Franny Saltzmann the same thing.

- Oh, that was later. - They misunderstood.

Well, there I was on this ladder,

and suddenly I looked down,

and there was Charlie looking up.

You didn't tell me you met Franny and Janie.

We, uh... we had lunch at the Bistro together.

Such lovely girls. Where was I?

Lunching with Franny and Janie.

Tell us about that.

Oh, that.

Oh, it was just girl talk, you know?

Come on, George. Dance with me.

- I don't Twist. - But I'll teach you. It's fun.

I'll bet you and the Twist were made for each other,

you cheap little hustler.

Just a minute.

No wonder Charlie never told anyone he was married.

He was probably ashamed of you.

Lord knows when it came to character,

Charlie wasn't very much, but compared to you,

he was St. Francis of Assisi!

Well, you got your money, so get out of town fast.

- What money? - What are you talking about?

- Just jealousy. - She couldn't get anywhere

with Charlie, so now she's taking it out on me.

She blackmailed Franny and Janie out of $10,000

this afternoon by threatening to publish Charlie's diary.

Get rid of her, George. She's poison!

My friend Charlie, the writer.

- George, you don't understand. - I had to have money.

- You said so yourself. - Yeah, but I didn't know

what you were willing to do to get it.

What am I doing that's so bad?

A couple of rich, spoiled broads,

and I'm relieving them of a few bucks

they'll never even miss,

and don't forget... women owe me something.

After all, didn't I get shot in the line of duty?

And the way that Rusty laid into me.

I thought she was my friend.

You don't have a friend, Charlie.

You never had, just victims and suckers,

and I ought to know 'cause I was on the list.

Well, I'm through.

I'm quitting the mob. I'm going straight.

- Okay, quit. - You're such a boy scout.

What do you think this is out here,

a Sunday school with swimming pools and palm trees?

Well, it's not.

It's a dog-eat-dog civilization,

and if you want to get the first prize,

you've got to get the first bite.

All right, Charlie, you're right, and I'm wrong.

But there's one thing I think you ought to know.

You know that memorial service we had for you?

Well, there weren't 50 or 60 people.

There were four...

your agent and three friends,

the two girls you hijacked today and me.

And next time, they'll be able to hold your memorial service

in an airmail envelope.

Well, good-bye, Charlie.

Are you waiting for Mr. Tracy?

- Yes, ma'am. - I drove him out,

and I'm waiting to take him to the airport.

Oh.

Hi.

Nightcap, George?

No thanks.

Hollywood parties.

You were right about one thing, George.

We should have stayed at home.

Oh, I don't know.

Some of it was interesting.

Touché.

- You're really going? - Mm-hmm.

I'm taking the midnight flight to New York City

and then a noon flight tomorrow for Paris.

Got a match, George?

Look, George,

the 10 grand I got from the girls,

up in smoke.

George, please.

How sorry can I get?

- You don't need me, Charlie. - I do!

Ah, George, will you give me a chance?

I was a fink and a hustler for 36 years,

and now suddenly I'm an ingénue,

but this is only my first day.

I don't know how to handle it, so I reverted to type,

and I did something lousy.

I know it. I admit it.

Okay, Charlie, I guess it was only natural.

George,

if you go, I'll panic.

Not you, Charlie, not you.

I'm not Charlie!

I'm... I'm whatever this is,

a throwback, a werewolf,

something from the deep lagoon,

and I'm scared.

I'm scared, George,

but at least this way, with...

with us, I...

I can talk to you.

But... but alone, I'll...

I'll fly apart...

Oh, no.

Oh, no, not that.

There, there.

- I'm sorry. - That's all right. Okay.

- There. - Oh, look at me!

I hate girls that cry!

It's all right, now, you cry it out.

You'll feel better. There, there.

- I'll be a good girl. - Of course.

- I promise. - I know.

- I won't do anything bad. - Yes, yes, yes, I know.

I'll get a job as a waitress

or a maid!

Now, don't worry, huh?

I'm here. I'll take care of you.

Oh, George.

Oh, oh, thank you.

- There, there. - Don't cry.

Shh, shh.

There, feel better, huh?

Yeah.

I'd like to blow my nose...

- No, I'll do it. - I'll do it.

There. You see?

Now, everything's going to be all right.

- What's the matter? - Matter?

We were practically necking.

- It was nice. - You and me, that's nice?

I felt so secure, wanted.

Wanted?

Well, I can't help it if I'm feminine, can I?

I need affection.

I don't know what's gotten into you, George.

You're always getting hung up on small, helpless girls.

Well, here I am. No, George, you promised!

I promised that I'll stay, but not here.

Oh, true.

I'm gonna get a room down at the motel down the road,

and we'll talk about it in the morning.

Don't bother seeing me out. I got a cab waiting for me.

Good-bye, Charlie.

- George, I've got it... - the perfect way out.

We'll get married.

Well, it's great. Then I'll be Mrs. George Tracy.

Oh, that's brilliant, just brilliant.

- It's perfect. We're pals. - We've lived together.

How many couples do you know ever started married life

with so much going for them, huh?

That's, uh, good creative thinking, Charlie.

I've been a bachelor for 36 years,

and I am not embarking on the sea of matrimony

with a wife named Charlie!

And put that thing back on!

You mean to tell me that you were on the beach

with those two bits of nothing?

You talk like a husband already.

Well, great.

We... we play and drink together for years.

We chased girls together.

We even used the same rowing machine.

Now what do we do? We get married.

Charming.

Who do you want for your bridesmaids,

the Los Angeles Dodgers?

George.

George, it's what you said about identity.

I mean, I've got to be Mrs. somebody,

even if it's only for long enough

to get a passport and a driver's license.

I need a husband.

Charlie, what you're contemplating

is unnatural, illegal,

and probably fattening!

And whoever that is, I'll be delighted to see them.

Good morning.

II hope I'm not intruding. I've...

Bruce, how nice.

I brought you these.

They're from mother's garden in Santa Barbara.

Oh, Bruce, they're lovely.

Uh, I've got the car, the Ferrari, outside,

and I... I thought you might like to join me for

a little spin up the coast or to my place.

Oh, that's perfect.

Oh, I'll just skip in and change.

George, put these in water like an angel, will you, dear?

I'll just be a teeny little second, boys.

You're a writer, aren't you, Mr. Tracy?

- I was when I left Paris. - I don't know anymore.

Tell me, do you make up what you write,

or does it come from real life?

- It just seems to happen. - I envy you.

I could never be a writer.

Anyway, nothing worth writing about

ever seems to happen to me.

Bruce, you never know.

Oh, beautiful.

Where's the house?

Oh, it's five or six miles up that way.

- Light? - Oh, yes.

Mm.

Thanks. Oh, what a pretty lighter.

- Thank you. - I don't smoke, but mother does.

- Five or six miles? - Yes.

See, at the house,

there's just a few hundred acres,

and I never seem to be able to get off by myself,

so mother bought me this piece of beach.

- This whole stretch? - Yes, it's nice.

I can come down here and just sit and think.

What do you think about, Bruce?

Oh, mother, mostly, and my cars.

I've got this little Maserati, the sweetest little racer

you ever saw, 4-liter job,

4,200 CCs, milled heads,

augmented camshaft.

I don't know what's gotten into her right now.

She seems to be a pretty sick little car,

just won't accelerate.

What about her air holes?

Are they plugged?

I... I thought of that first thing,

but they were as clean as a whistle.

What's her bore and stroke?

3 1/2 by 2 1/2.

Magnetos or...

distributor?

Magneto.

Tooth velocity, that's your problem, Bruce.

Have you stripped her?

Not yet.

Oh, do it.

Never mind your feelings about her, Bruce.

Strip her.

She'll thank you for it in the long run.

You really think so?

I will. I will.

And then put an overdrive unit

between her differential housings.

And a little alcohol in her mixture?

That always helps.

Please, Mrs. Sorel,

let's do it together.

Of course, Bruce.

- Oh, this... - Anytime.

- This is so exciting. - I can't wait to tell mother.

Me too.

Mrs. Sorel, darling.

You are seriously picturing yourself as a bride?

- Yes. - I'm beautiful.

Every eye in the church is on me

as I walk down the aisle, the organ pealing.

You're discussing marriage as if you were

a sweet girl graduate at Vassar, leader of the daisy chain!

You're a tennis bum, and a beach bum,

and a ski bum, and now,

God help us all, you want to be a marriage bum,

and you ask me why I'm so steamed.

Oh, uh, for a minute there, while you were carrying on,

you sounded as though you were jealous.

Jealous?

Now, that's really from bird land.

Look, George, as we both know,

I have a problem.

I've come up with a solution.

You may not like it, but at least it's something.

Meanwhile, I don't hear any big ideas

emanating from your corner.

Charlie,

I have got a plan. Sit down.

George, you sound serious.

I am serious.

Now, what I'm about to propose is dangerous.

Sit down.

And while you don't seem to realize it,

your situation is dangerous.

Now, suppose I get you across the border to Canada

or... or, better yet, Mexico.

Now, we hole up there until I locate someone

who can get you a phony passport,

and using that, I get you to Europe, Switzerland,

to one of those fabulous private clinics

where they don't ask any questions

and they juggle your hormones like Indian clubs

in a vaudeville act.

Now, all I have to do is find someone who knows the ropes

in this kind of an operation, and I...

What's the matter?

What's so funny?

I'm sorry, George.

You, George, in that kind of action?

Oh, sweetie,

you couldn't smuggle a $2 watch

past a blind customs inspector.

Now, I used to be pretty devious,

but even I couldn't attack that problem.

Hey, this is for sharpshooters, George,

not squares.

Battle stations.

Nighty-night dear, and, uh, don't wait up for me.

I'll be late.

And don't worry, Georgie. Love will find a way.

Surprise, I'm ready.

- I can't believe it. - It's a miracle.

So sweet.

That's right.

Oh, my favorite.

My favorite, and I love the car.

Thank you.

Catch you in the dark, Dr. Fairbanks.

Whoo!

- Yes? - Evening, Mr. Tracy?

- Yeah, that's right. - What is it?

Um, Inspector, I mean...

what can I do for you?

I've been assigned to the Sorel case.

Oh, I should have known who you were by your raincoat.

Uh, can I take it for you?

- No. - Uh, the Sorel case, huh?

Well, there's not much to that, is there?

I mean, it's an open-and-shut case.

Sir Leopold, jealous rage,

a crime of passion, and there you are.

I like the way you put that.

W-well, that's the way it is.

I mean, according to the newspapers, it is.

Mr. Tracy, do you mind if I sit down?

Well, you... you... of course.

Thanks.

Oh, that's better.

Um, a drink?

- I'm on duty. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my.

Uh, that's, uh, Mrs. Sorel's, Charlie's widow.

Oh, is she staying here too, Mr. Tracy?

Yes, but she is, I'm not.

I mean, I was staying here, but when she came,

I left and moved to a motel down the road.

Oh, that was the widow, then,

who was leaving just before I ran...

Uh, w... yes, that was the widow leaving.

She didn't seem terribly upset, did she?

Well, uh, uh, she... she is.

She really is, really. I mean, she's covering it.

Mm. Last night you went

to the Sartori party, you and Mrs. Sorel.

- That's right. - Mm.

The widow and best friend socializing with the murderer?

Well, that's show business...

Oh, that's very interesting.

Mr. Tracy, do you mind if I take a look around?

- Oh, w-w-well, n-not at all. - Why should I mind?

- You shouldn't. - I don't.

Thank you.

Well, thanks very much.

That's all?

I'll take that drink now, Mr. Tracy,

if it's still available.

You mean, now you're off duty?

No, now I'm thirsty.

- Hmm. - Um...

Bourbon on the rocks.

Bourbon.

Well, this is very kind of you, Mr. Tracy,

and I certainly appreciate it.

I just hope that I'm not putting you

to any kind of inconvenience.

- No inconvenience at all. - It's, uh, just that I,

well, uh, wondered what you were after.

Ah, well, if I knew that, good luck.

Staying in town long, Mr. Tracy?

Um, well, no, not very long.

I live in Paris, you know, and I've only just arrived.

As a matter of fact, when poor Charlie got it,

I was, uh, 6,000 miles away in Biarritz...

Oh, well, that's a pretty good alibi.

Uh, well, I don't need an alibi.

- Fine, forget it. - I want you to be aware

that I've done nothing, absolutely nothing.

Well, haven't I?

Oh, Mr. Tracy,

don't you know that people often do things

they're not even aware of having done?

And then bingo, they're in trouble.

Well, take you, for example.

If you were to know something about this case

and then kept that knowledge from the police,

do you know that's a felony?

Mm, and then, uh, let's say that you and somebody,

anybody else were involved together in this.

Well, now that's conspiracy.

That's a felony, a real felony.

Mm, and then, of course, there are a lot of little side

issues like, uh, fraud,

and perjury and subornation,

and oh, well, you're up to about 175 years already,

and you've hardly done anything...

Well, you see what I mean, Mr. Tracy?

- Yeah. - Good night.

Good night...

Uh, Inspector.

Good night.

- Well, thanks for the drink. - Certainly.

Sir Leopold Sartori, George Tracy calling.

It happens to be Sir Leopold's poker evening, sir.

Oh, where's he playing poker?

At his office? Where's that?

Mother.

- Striking, isn't it? - Yes.

Oh, you won't be meeting mother this weekend, I'm afraid.

She's in San Francisco on business,

but you're seeing the house, and the house is mother...

Mother won't have a decorator, you know,

not with any of our houses.

She feels very strongly about anything that gets

in the way of her own personality.

Mm.

I'd say mother was barking up the right tree.

Yes.

Oh, this is the, uh... the television room.

Oh?

Oh, oh, yes, of course.

Now, shall we have a little something to drink?

- We? - You and I, both of us?

Of course.

I'm not a teetotaler, not on special occasions...

mother's birthday,

when a Republican president's inaugurated.

Is, uh, this one of those special occasions?

I hope it will be.

Go on, Bruce.

Uh...

I don't know your name, your first name.

Oh, it's, uh, uh,

Charlene.

- Charlene. - That's beautiful.

Charlene, I hope you won't think I'm too forward,

but I have dared to presume on our brief acquaintance.

- Oh, what's that? - I-I took the liberty of

calling Mr. Harry Winston in New York,

and he flew this out personally.

I hope he flew in an armored plane.

Uh, may I?

Oh.

Bruce,

this is going to be difficult for me to say

because of the way I feel, but,

I'm going to have to insist on a...

on a rather long engagement.

- You are? - Yes.

I'm as eager as you are, Bruce, darling, but, well,

I can't just let you sweep me off my feet, now,

can I, Bruce?

Oh, my dear, yes.

No, no, this mood you're in, it's so...

so masterful and overpowering.

It's... it's dangerous.

You feel that, don't you, Bruce?

Oh, oh, I know what you're thinking, Bruce, darling,

that Las Vegas is only an hour's flight from here,

and you want to whisk me there and marry me tonight.

There are those all-night charter flight services,

but we have to fight these impulses.

And my goodness, the way you drive,

we could be at the airport in minutes and, oh,

that would be awful, wouldn't it, Bruce?

Yes.

Yes?

It would never work.

No, of course not.

I mean, driving to the airport at this hour

in all that traffic?

No, no, I'm chartering a helicopter.

By the time, we've had our little celebration drink,

we'll be on our way.

Oh, I can't fight you any longer, Bruce.

You're too strong.

Pacific Charter, this is Mr. Minton.

I'd like your small helicopter

and your best pilot as soon as possible.

On the lawn at the rear of the house,

to take us to the airport.

I'll also need your small jet

for a charter flight to Las Vegas.

Right. Thank you.

And now, Charlene, darling, that drink?

Love to, but, uh...

there doesn't seem to be anything to drink around here.

Oh, we'll find something downstairs.

I'd better go first. It's, uh, a little dark.

Careful.

Thank you.

Gentlemen, this atoning fresh air fun

for over-privileged producers,

thank you one and all.

I'm holding the cards tonight.

That's fine.

Giving him cards is like giving firewater to the Indians.

I've had more fun in a concrete mixer.

- Good night, Leo. - Good night.

Good... good night.

George, what a pleasant surprise.

- Are you alone? - Yes, come in.

George, sit down, sit down. You care for a drink, a cigar?

Leo, I've come to ask a favor,

the biggest.

Ooh.

It's the sort of thing I've never asked anyone,

and I wouldn't dare approach you if I weren't in a real jam.

- You, George? - Yes.

A respectable citizen?

What is it, George?

Your... um, your library books are overdue?

- Come on, Leo. - Don't joke with me now.

It's much too important to me, and it means too much.

- All right, George, I'm sorry. - I understand. Please go on.

Well, I want to smuggle someone

who hasn't got passports or papers to Mexico

and then from there to Europe.

Well, good luck, George.

I say that with all my heart.

But Leo, give me a clue.

Where can I go? Where can I get some help?

George...

this, uh, mysterious someone you speak of

is of which sex?

W-w-what has sex got to do with it?

Perhaps it's just the way my mind runs.

- Oh, I see. - Well, it's, um... it's a girl.

- Ah. - Mm.

Ah.

Hey, Leo, it's very important to me,

and I... I have to act on it tonight.

Well, but why no passport, George?

Is she a fugitive?

No, actually, uh, she has a passport,

but you see, she's...

she's married and it's a joint passport.

Mm, I see.

And you do not wish to invite the husband

along on the trip.

Yes, in general that works out best.

Is... is it someone I know?

No.

That is, they're not in... in films or on the stage.

They're... they're civilians.

Leo, you've got to help me,

or I'm finished.

Hmm.

George, it's a very good thing, if I say so myself,

that you have come to me with your problem.

Why do I say that?

Because "A," essentially,

I am a very romantic person.

B, I like you.

C, I am resourceful.

D, I am slightly crooked,

and in an operation like this...

that is vital.

Maritime operator, San Pedro Yacht Basin, please.

Good evening, miss. Sir Leopold Sartori is speaking.

My yacht, the Aphrodite, is cruising towards Coronado.

Please call my captain and have him return to San Pedro at once.

I want him there tonight.

Yes, thank you.

Rafael, Sartori.

Buenos noches, amigo.

I will need your help later on tonight,

say in two hours.

I want your fastest motorboat

and two of your most reliable men.

What? No, no, they need not be armed.

San Pedro Yacht Basin in two hours.

Right.

George, my dear boy,

you are practically in Mexico

with a glass of tequila in your hand

and your lady friend by your side.

You don't seem pleased.

It's just that I'm...

I guess overcome is the only word I can think of.

What a really terrific guy you are.

No, no, no, no, come on, now. Don't shrug it off.

You've done something for me tonight

that I'll never forget for the rest of my life,

and you've taught me one very important lesson,

never judge anybody by appearances only.

Up to now in the past,

I've always thought highly of you as a picture maker,

but I'm ashamed to say

I had a very low opinion of you as a man.

Well, forget it, George.

Forget all about it. We all make mistakes.

Never, and I would like to add one final word.

If anyone dare criticize you in my presence,

I can assure you

they will have me to answer to personally.

I appreciate that, George.

I find it deeply touching.

Leo.

George.

- And now for next step. - Yes.

The travel documents.

I will need to be alone for that, you understand?

Yes, I'm completely in your hands.

- Good. Go to the Bistro. - Yes.

I will contact you there in two hours.

- Yes. - Say nothing and wait.

Bistro, two hours, and wait.

Sir Leopold, is it all right to clean up in here now?

Yes, come in, come in.

Leo, I want to thank you for...

Esrobbi, Sartori.

Como estas?

You are alone?

Splendid.

Look, I will need some travel documents.

That chap that did such an excellent job

on British passports, is he still around?

Ah, wonderful.

Yes, he must start tonight.

And now, most important,

your man must have contacts in at least three European cities.

I suggest Geneva, Marseilles, and Amsterdam.

- Watch it there. - Oh, that's so funny.

Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Mm, mm.

How old were you then?

Eight.

So I said... I said,

"Mother, why must you always go too far?

"It's so simple.

"All I wanted is an orangeade stand like...

"like the other kids

so I can make my own pocket money."

Well, mother threw herself into that project

with the usual bounce.

She got her decorator back from Europe

to design an orangeade stand with a Venetian motif.

I can't stand it.

And she got the sauce cook up from the Ranch

to chill and squeeze the oranges

and put the Venetian orange stand

up against the iron gates of the estate.

I wasn't allowed off the grounds, you know?

So then a customer would drive up,

and I would stand behind the gate,

and I would reach through

and pour the juice into the glass.

Oh, you must have cleaned up.

Well, I...

I think I grossed about...

- 65¢. - Oh!

The overhead came to $1,200.

Oh, it must have been wonderful

to grow up that way, with everything.

Sure, must have been.

I've always had everything.

I never did anything...

Until the night I met you.

You're beautiful.

So beautiful.

Well, for the bride that's handy.

More than beautiful,

a loveliness I... I can trust,

that gives me confidence.

I was always very shy,

but with you, I feel I can say things

I... I'd never said before.

Bruce, sweetie,

we don't really know that much about each other.

I worship you.

I feel happy and...

and awed both at once.

That's... that's partly the champagne.

No, no.

No, that made it possible for me to...

tell you what you mean to me,

how much I love you.

It's...

It's as if all kinds of...

marvelous music and...

beautiful, beautiful poetry

were all mixed up inside me.

You are the source...

And the object of it all.

Now, listen to me, Bruce.

I might not be like that at all.

You don't know.

"How do I love thee?

"Let me count the ways.

"I love thee...

"to the depth...

"and the breadth...

"And the height...

my soul can reach."

Oh.

Ah, coach, you're sure there haven't been

- any phone calls for me? - No, Mr. Tracy.

I promise, if somebody calls, I'll let you know.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Tracy.

- Good evening, Worthington. - Is Sir Leopold at home yet?

No, Sir Leopold hasn't been back since he left this morning.

Well, do you know... do you know where I can find him?

Malibu Road, and hurry!

Rusty?

What's going on?

George?

Hey, George.

Listen.

Bonsoir, cherie.

Leo, what are you doing here?

How'd you get in?

Where's George?

Questions, questions, questions.

George is waiting, patiently, I hope.

Some 45 miles from here.

I came in from the terrace door, which was open,

and while I was waiting,

I slipped into one of Charlie's leisure jackets.

Excellent fit, don't you agree?

And now, my dear,

why don't you slip into something more comfortable?

That heavy dress, it...

Leo, I'm honestly very happy you came here tonight.

- Is this true? - Yes, I want to talk.

- Then what are we waiting for? - I want to talk.

Come, moon of my delight.

Leo, I want to talk to you!

Of course, later we will light cigarettes, relax,

chat about all sorts of things.

No, now, Leo.

Your skin is satin,

your body a maddening monument...

To pleasure and excitement.

Oh, this can't be happening to me!

Oh, George was right!

This is the punishment that fits the crime!

You speak in riddles, my gorgeous sphinx.

- Leo. - I want to help you, Leo.

Leo, I beg of you, don't waste your life

in an endless pursuit of pleasure,

just running from woman to woman!

- Don't worry about the running. - I'm in terrific condition.

I fence, you know,

and every day I work out with barbells,

and in my bedroom I have a trampoline!

Come, my little gypsy sw... my little gypsy sweetheart.

With the dying embers of campfire

you've healed a precious wound.

Oh, Leo, listen to me!

I too was a transgressor,

and when I say that, I'm not just whistling Dixie.

I was all out, but now I See the emptiness in my life,

how shallow it was!

No!

- Every word you say is true! - No!

I'm already a better man,

- a finer person. - Leo! Leo!

No, this is... no, Leo!

Leo, no!

Oh, Leo! Leo! Leo, no.

You've got to listen to me!

Now, Leo, in this very same room

I behaved the way you are behaving now!

Tonight it will be perfect.

- Oh, Leo. - Leo, it cannot be!

There are reasons!

No, no!

No, Leo!

No!

You rat fink!

Rusty, how wonderful to see...

After what you put me through,

all the screaming and yelling

in five different languages,

four of which I couldn't even understand.

All the names you called me,

and you don't even have the decency

to stay away from Charlie Sorel's house,

the man you murdered.

- Rusty, don't shoot him! - Him?

This is for you, you conniving, larcenous little tramp.

Whoever you are,

whatever your name is,

you're a disgrace to your sex!

Listen now!

I'm gonna shoot you, and then I'm gonna take you down

to the State Game Commission.

Whoa! No!

Then I'm going to collect a bounty on your hide!

No, not again!

Charlie?

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Hate to see you go... ♪

- Charlie! - ♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Hate to see you go ♪

Charlie?

Charlie?

He's insane!

Charlie?

My friend, my very good friend,

and I trusted you.

I should have had my head examined.

And you, a veteran of every motel

from here to Oxnard,

and you've got to turn righteous and shoot Charlie.

Correction, please, just for the record.

I shot Charlie.

- Oh, shut up. - She shot...

Will you shut up and get out of here?

And do me a favor. Don't bother driving carefully

because as far as I'm concerned...

You b...

what are you doing?

Calling the police.

Will you put that phone down?

George, tell me, this unwritten law,

the right to kill in defense of your home,

do you think it will work twice

in the same week for the same home?

Put that down!

But George, the police, they will investigate.

Will you forget it?

Go home and act as if nothing's happened.

I'll take care of everything. I'll...

George, this is the most beautiful act of self-sacrifice

- on your part and... - Will you get out?

Get out of my life.

Go home and shoot each other.

All right, come, my poor wife.

I will take you home.

I have learned a profound and lasting lesson

from the tragic events of this past week.

George, by the way, be sure to send me the manuscript

of your new book the moment it is completed.

Bye, sweetie.

It was nice seeing you.

Well, Charlie...

Maybe it was for the best.

♪ Char... ♪

♪ Lie! ♪

♪ Char... ♪

♪ Lie! ♪

♪ Char... ♪

♪ Lie! ♪

♪ Char... ♪

♪ Lie! ♪

- Quiet. - Quiet, boy.

Charlie?

Charlie?

Charlie. Charlie, get down.

Charlie, down, boy.

Oh, I'm so sorry. He got away from me.

I hope he didn't frighten you.

I was just walking him along the beach,

and he suddenly bolted for your house.

He's harmless, really. Charlie.

- W-w-what's your name? - Virginia Mason.

Where do you live?

About a half mile down the beach.

How long have you lived there?

About eight years, since my parents bought the place.

Their names are Ralph and Helen Mason.

Say, you all right?

C-c-could I ask you a question?

Uh, you are a girl, aren't you?

I mean, you've always been a girl, never anything but a girl?

- Hmm, I swear it. - Thanks.

Say, how much of this have you had?

- An awful lot. - I don't remember.

Mm.

Well, do you mind not staring at me quite like that?

I feel like I'm having a physical for life insurance.

Uh, I'm sorry.

- I think I need a drink. - I think you need food.

- When did you eat last? - Uh, I don't remember.

Mm, no wonder you look so terrible.

Uh, where's the kitchen?

Oh.

Now, you just sit right down over there,

and, uh, stay away from the bar.

Say, you're really stocked up on the necessities of life.

All you've got is, uh, olives and pickled onions

and stuffed olives and, uh, let's see.

Uh, we have ketchup, chili, corned beef hash,

and corned beef hash.

Why don't you just scramble it all together?

How about some corned beef hash?

I love it.

Uh, have you got a can opener?

Yeah.

Good boy.

- Oh, Charlie. - Uh, uh...

- Say, isn't that nice? - He likes you.

- Yeah, wonderful. - All right.

Come on, now, Charlie. That's enough, now.

It's too crowded in here for all of us.

Come on. I've got some cooking to do.

Come on.

All right, Charlie,

be a good boy and sit right there.

Sit. Sit.

That a boy.

- Why do you call him Charlie? - I don't know.

Seemed like a good name for him.

He likes it.

Hey, you look like you know what you're doing.

Oh, I love cooking.

Of course, I don't really do too much of it.

You know, really, for one person it's not much fun,

so you just... oh, thank you.

So you just find you don't do too much of it.

I only come to the beach on weekends, so I don't... oh.

I teach school, you know? Westwood, elementary grade.

I have a little apartment, and I have...

Uh, it's a...

bachelor apartment?

I'm single, if that's what you mean.

Uh, you don't look as though

anyone's been feeding you too regularly.

I'm single too,

uh, if that's what you mean.

- Oh. - What do you do?

Uh...

- I'm a writer. - Oh.

Uh, what's your name?

George Tracy.

- Oh? - Of course.

George Tracy. I read your last book.

- Wasn't bad. - It wasn't meant to be.

- Where do you live? - Paris.

Uh...

the fact is I just arrived a little while ago.

I'm due to go back any minute.

- Oh. - It's, uh...

on the other hand, it's just to finish a book.

I could, uh...

well, I could do that, uh, anywhere.

Oh?

Right, uh... right here...

in fact.

Uh...

Uh, that...

that would be nice.

♪ Good-bye, Charlie ♪

♪ Cashing in your chips ♪

♪ Bye-bye Charlie ♪

♪ Time you came to grips ♪

♪ There ain't ♪

♪ No doubt ♪

♪ Strike three ♪

♪ You're out ♪

♪ Goodbye Charlie ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

Goodbye!

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