Original subtitles

[theme music]

I'm a little concerned About your new barbecue grill.

Are you sure You put it together right?

Am I sure?

Am I sure?

Harriette, I am the barbecue Chef, extraordinaire.

I am the king of meat.

May I ask you a question, O' royal meatiness?

You may.

How come you spent so much money On that new high-tech barbecue?

We could've used that money To fix up the kitchen.

Harriette, we don't need To redo the kitchen.

We got a swell kitchen.

I would not dream Of redoing this kitchen.

I shall return shortly With cooked meat.

[explosion]

[glass shattering]

I've been thinking..

...It's time To redo the kitchen.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

* it's a rare condition This day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say It's even harder to find *

* well then there must be Some magic clue inside *

* these chiseled walls *

* cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' out Of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

[theme music]

Hidy-ho, sugar comb.

What do you want, Steve?

Well, I'm sorry To interrupt your reading

But I desperately need To talk to you.

About what?

Well, laura..

...I feel like my emotions Are stuck in a mix master

And you're the only one That can pull the plug.

Does this have anything To do with myra?

I thought you two were Getting along great.

We are, just last weekend, We grabbed our accordions

And drove down to beloit for Polka-till-you-plotz festival.

Sounds romantic.

Oh, it was.

Eight thousand accordions Glistening in the moonlight

Playing, "She's too fat for me."

Wow, now that's livin'.

Myra genuinely, Seems to like me.

I mean, a beautiful, Intelligent girl..

...Actually likes me.

- well, that's wonderful. - yeah.

No, it isn't.

Oh, it's awful.

I'm riddled with guilt.

Guilt?

Well, yes.

Laura, my heart Belongs to you

But I'm locking lips With another woman.

Steve, you're causing Yourself a great deal

Of unnecessary pain.

- I am? - yeah.

If you would only emotionally Commit yourself to myra

Your guilt will go away.

But to do that...Wouldn't I have to forget about you?

Yes!

I mean, that's true but..

...Myra really cares about you

And she deserves a guy Who's totally committed to her.

You're right.

Myra is more than Just a funky-spunky

Gimme gimmelove toy.

- why, she's a person. - a person with feelings.

Hmm.

Hmm, you know--

Snuck up on me.

[instrumental music]

Carl? You don't need To find a part-time job.

We can fix the kitchen With your next paycheck.

No, I got to pay the mortgage With my next paycheck.

Well, then, We can use my next paycheck.

No, that's no good. I bought The barbecue with that one.

Hey, mom.

- hey, dad. - hi, eddie.

How's it going At mighty weenie?

Same as always, Dog eat dog.

Hey, you hear that, Dad? Dog eat dog?

Edward, please. I'm tryin' to concentrate.

On what?

Well, your father's trying To find a part-time job

So he can Rebuild the kitchen.

Oh, yeah?

They're looking for more people Down at mighty weenie.

It only pays minimum wage

But you get a bathroom break Every six hours.

[chuckling]

Edward... Son..

Your father Is a law enforcement officer.

A highly skilled professional.

Now, I think that I can do just A little bit better

Than slinging hot dogs, Don't you?

- yeah, you're right. - hm-mm.

- I'm sorry, dad. - that's okay.

You're young, son. You didn't think.

You see, if a man with my Credentials winds up with a job

At a place like mighty weenie, It could only mean one thing..

...That there are no other jobs Available on this planet.

Footlong hot dogs Are mighty weenies.

Regular size dogs Are in-betweenie weenies.

And-and the kids get the Teeny-weenie eeny-meeny weenies.

I wanna die.

Oh, dad, cheer up, Will you?

Well, son, it's just Very hard to smile

When you're wearing A hot dog on your head.

Well, look at the bright side.

At least we get To work together.

Well, that's true.

Father and son, Side by side.

- the dynamic duo of dogs. - yeah.

Ah, you're right, Son.

Okay.

You and I are gonna be The best weenie slingers

In the history Of chi-town, huh?

Yeah, That's my dad talking.

(both) Huh!

[instrumental music]

Hey, laura.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, come on, Something's wrong.

What is it?

I can't tell you, Aunt rachel,

It's too weird And twisted and sick.

Ooh.

Now, laura, you know that I have done my share of livin'

So nothing you could say Would shock me.

I miss steve urkel.

[gasping]

Oh, you need Professional help.

- you see? I told you-- - oh, come on, I'm just teasing.

Let's just think This thing through.

Okay, now, you convinced steve To forget about you..

...And concentrate On myra, right?

Right.

And that was two weeks ago And I haven't seen him since.

So? Why aren't you Thrilled?

I was at first, but then, Starting a couple of days ago

I actually started To miss him.

Do you think I'm suffering From some kind of

Post-traumatic Pest disorder?

No. I think there's A much more

Normal explanation For your feelings.

- really? - hm.

What is it?

Well, I think that Somehow over the years

When you weren't looking..

...You and steve..

...Became friends.

[instrumental music]

Winslow.

(both) Yes, sir.

And winslow.

(both) Yes, sir.

I need to talk to you.

I have some good news.

The good news is I've been Promoted to district manager.

Oh, congratulations.

- way to go. - thank you.

Now, that leaves the position Of night manager open here.

I've been watching you both Very carefully..

...And I've made my choice.

Carl, you're hard-working, You're intelligent

You're mature, You're a natural-born leader

And no one is better qualified For this job than you.

Thank you, sir, I just--

But you're leaving in three Weeks, so I chose your kid.

Congratulations, eddie.

Not only will you be earning A dollar more an hour

But you get to wear This manager's blazer

With the coveted Silver weenie patch.

Oh! The silver weenie!

- oh, god! - come here. Come here.

Best of all, you don't have To wear that stupid hat anymore.

[laughing]

Carl, say hello To your new boss.

[instrumental music]

Here you are, Sir.

One mighty weenie And one low-fat leanie weenie.

Thank you.

Have a weenie day.

- uh, excuse me, carl. - yes.

You're supposed To wish the customer

"A wonderful weenie day".

Not just a weenie day.

It's a small But important difference.

Gee, I'm so sorry.

But that's the third time I've had to remind you.

Why don't you just stand me In front of everybody

And fling sauerkraut at me?

Ah, ah, ah. Now, you're Being sarcastic.

And according to The employee handbook

Sarcasm is a condiment That sours a happy weenie.

I'll try to remember that, Edward.

Uh, carl, I think That it would be better

If you addressed me As "Sir" or "Mr. Winslow".

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, no, carl.

I mean, after all, we are Running a business here.

I don't believe this.

Now, carl, I'd like for you To bus those tables

And refill the napkin Dispensers.

Alright.

Then empty the trash cans, Scrub the grills

And mop the bathroom floors.

And while I'm doing all of that, What will you be doing?

Oh, well, I'll be doing What I'm supposed to be doing..

...Supervising.

Phew! I'm bushed. I'm gonna crash.

Bushed? From what?

Well, what's the matter With you?

What's the matter with me?

I'll tell you What's the matter with me.

You had me doing Every filthy, disgusting job

In the history Of fast food.

Wow, take it easy, Carl.

And don't call me that!

We are home now, Edward.

And inside these walls, I'm the head weenie.

- okay, okay. - okay, "Sir".

Okay, sir.

And tomorrow is saturday..

...And there are just A few things around the house

That need to be done.

Like what?

Well, first, The lawn needs to be mowed.

Okay, I'll get up Early and do it.

And then, you'll trim the Hedges, paint the garage door

Take down the storm windows, And wash and wax my car.

And while I'm doing all this, What will you be doing?

What I'm supposed To be doing, supervising.

What's going on here?

Mom, dad's freakin' out Just because

I made him do a little work Down at mighty weenie.

Wrong. He's the one That's freakin' out.

Your son is power crazy.

- power crazy? - that's right.

The minute you put on A blue blazer

With the silver-plated Weenie patch

You started goose stepping Like a hot-dog hitler.

Oh, that does it. You're fired.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're grounded.

Oh...For what?

For firing me.

Alright, alright, Alright, that's enough.

Now, stop the fight And sit down, both of you.

Well, it should be easy For him to sit down,

He's been doing it all night.

Carl!

You know, I was afraid There'd be trouble

When eddie got promoted..

But I hoped you'd both Be mature enough to handle it.

(both) Well, I was mature. No, you weren't.

Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright!

Carl, admit it. You're jealous of eddie.

You wanted that position.

What? Who? Me? What you..

Well, maybe a little.

And eddie...Weren't you Getting back at your father

Just a little for All the chores

That's he's made you do Over the years?

Well, maybe, Just a little.

Carl, it seems to me that Instead of being jealous

Of eddie you should be Proud of his success.

And look for ways to help him Out with this new position.

That would've Been nice.

And eddie, instead of Lording it over your father

You should've taken advantage Of all his years of experience

And asked him For some suggestions.

That would've Been nice.

You know, you both Should think about something.

For the next few weeks, You gotta be boss and employee.

But don't let that interfere With what you're gonna be

For the rest of your lives, Father and son.

She's right, you know.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too, son.

I love you, son.

I love you too..

...Carl.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

[doorbell ringing]

Steve, myra.

Hi, laura. I thought We'd just stop by.

Come on in.

Why are you guys All dressed up?

Well, we're attending An art gallery opening.

This is so sweet, You both like the same things.

Laura, do you mind You mind if I skip to your loo?

It's right over there.

I'll be just a moment, Stevie.

A moment without you Is an eternity.

Ah!

So, laura, Long time no see.

Steve, usually when I call you, You rush right over

Before I can Hang up the phone.

I left a message For you two days ago.

Oh, well...I've been busy.

So then I guess things Are going pretty well

With you and myra, huh?

Laura, you were right.

Why, my emotional confusion Disappeared the moment

I committed my little Urkel heart to myra.

Oh, that's-that's great.

Oh, we adore each other.

Why, we're inseparable.

We even spent some time In the sensory deprivation tank.

And believe you me, I didn't feel deprived.

How nice for you.

Thanks for your advice, laura. You're a good friend.

- so, we're still friends? - oh, absolutely.

Oh, good, 'cause over The last two weeks

I actually started to miss you An eensy-weensy, itsy-bitsy bit.

You love me, Don't you?

No, no, no.

I made myself scarce, And now you want me.

No, steve. I was just Trying to be nice.

Look at those tissues.

You've been crying Your eyes out for me all night.

No!

Oh, laura..

...My heart is blasting 40 love songs in a row

With no commercial Interruptions.

- steve? - oh, laura. Laura, my pet.

I pursued you before, but baby, You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Steve, please, calm down.

Calm down! Calm down!

Good lord, woman, You just told me you missed me.

Why, take a four day weekend, America.

Steve, come here.

Oh, no! Laura, oh!

Laura winslow, Get your hands off my man.

Myra, you don't understand.

I understand, alright.

I leave this room for one minute And you go into heat.

Excuse me?

Uh, myra, myra, now, you have Every right to be upset.

Alas, I've mislead you, My little milk dud.

You have?

Yes.

And I've treasured Every moment of it with you..

...But the truth Of the matter is..

...There's always been a part Of me, hidden deep in my heart..

...That can only Think of laura.

So don't blame her, Blame me.

Oh, steven, it's so Like you to be noble.

But you're just a hunky pawn In this she-devil's love game.

She-devil?

Who are you Calling she-devil?

Now, ladies, I do believe, Excuse me. No, myra, myra.

You listen to me, Miss laura.

I love steve urkel.

He's the hot fudge On my sundae.

And let me tell you Something, honey.

Nobody steals my dessert.

I tried to be nice And you stabbed me in the back.

Strap on your howitzer, missy.

From now on, it's war.

Well, I think that went Fairly well, don't you?

[theme music]

[music continues]