Original subtitles

[urkel] Oh, laura!

Aha!

I busted you, You little minx.

What do you want, steve?

Well...

I have bad news, My love.

Well, what is it?

You may want To sit down for this.

My news Is deeply upsetting,

So you must be strong.

I'll try.

Well, you remember myra?

Ted's cousin?

Yes, indeedy.

Well,

She, uh...

She wants my bod.

Steve, I think It's great news

That a girl Is interested in you.

In fact, it renews My faith in miracles.

But--but--

But, laura, You don't understand.

Myra's all over me like A bum on a sandwich.

You're kidding.

Would that I were. She calls me constantly.

She writes me Love letters.

She even sends me presents.

She's even transferred Into my english class.

What's wrong with that?

She doesn't go To our school!

Hm, I see what you mean.

Gee, a beautiful girl In love with you.

It's kinda like that story Beauty and the beast.

No, laura. Now, There's no reason

To call The girl names.

Steve, I think it's sweet That myra likes you.

Sweet?

You have no idea What it feels like

To be Constantly pestered

By someone You have absolutely No interest in.

Okay, so maybe you do.

Well, steve, why are you Bothering me with this?

I've come up with a plan To get myra off my back,

But I need five minutes Of your time.

What do I have to do?

Marry me.

I'll take that as a no.

Steve, I have Important stuff to do.

I have to put away The tater tots.

Alright, I'll go...

But there's still One more thing

I haven't told you.

Well, what is it?

Well, myra is...

Physically...

Attractive.

She gives me Smoldering looks

Filled with sensuosity.

So far I've been Able to resist,

But I'm like A volcano inside.

Oh...

Oh, lock up Your daughters, Chicago.

Mount urkel Is about to erupt!

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

[rap music plays]

Turn it down!

What?

Turn it down!

What?

The music's Too loud!

I can't hear you! The music's too loud!

[music stops]

What was your dad Mumbling about?

Your stereo.

What?

What's up, weasel?

You like the new Sound system?

It's slammin'.

Check it out.

Two 6x9 speakers In the door.

Word, right?

Four 15s In the back.

Tape, cd player,

And digital preamp.

Boom!

It's like having Whitney houston Riding shotgun.

Yo man, I wish I could Afford that.

My stereo bites.

No problem. Weasel took care of me.

He could hook you up.

You know,

I know a guy who Gets stuff real cheap.

How much are you Prepared to invest?

400 tops.

That's my savings From working At mighty weenie.

That's eight months Of telling people,

"Please talk directly Into the bun."

Two days from now, I'll get you a stereo.

The fly girls will be All over you.

Alright!

Duh! Duh! Duh!

[knock on door]

Oh, myra.

Hello, laura.

Could I have A moment of your time?

Oh, sure. Come on in.

Can I take your coat?

Oh, no, thank you. This won't take long.

Oh. So, what's On your mind?

Steve urkel-- The man I love.

The man you love?

That's right.

He's bright, He's witty,

And he's so handsome.

Are we talking about The same steve urkel--

Skinny guy, Likes cheese, Strange laugh--

Hee hee hee [snort snort]

He is the smartest boy I've ever met,

And I think High intelligence

Is very, very sexy.

You think steve is sexy?

He stokes my furnace.

Whoa! You really got it bad.

Laura,

I've explained to steven

That I'm more than willing To be his love toy,

But all he ever does

Is babble on and on About you.

Uh, myra--

Release him.

Undo that voodoo That you do so well.

Myra, I have No designs on steve.

I'll do anything To help you get him.

Really?

Really.

Could you move to texas?

Eddo, This car is mighty spiffy.

Oh, thanks, steve,

And not only does she Have eye appeal,

She also has ear appeal.

Come again?

[rap music plays]

Wow! Is that a new stereo?

Stereo? This is no mere stereo.

This is A master blaster.

Oh, let me Hear my favorite Radio station--

Widl--all yodeling All the time.

* yo yo yo yo *

* yo yo yo yo *

* yo yo yo yo *

* yo yo yo yo *

* yo yo yo yo *

* yo yo yo yo *

* yo yo yo yo *

* yo yo yo yo **

[music stops]

Man!

Now, that dude can wail.

Look, steve--

A roland speaker,

A pop-face cassette Receiver...

A cd changer,

Four 10s and Two 100-watt power amps.

Wow!

You'll be deaf by summer.

Hee hee!

[snort snort]

Where'd you get this?

Weasel's friend gave me A great deal.

Oh?

Yeah, This is worth $3,000,

But I only paid 400 For it,

Including installation.

Hmm.

What?

Well, That's an exceptionally Large discount.

I figure the guy gets Everything wholesale

Or buys in bulk. I don't know.

Or perhaps it was left By the stereo fairy.

What are you trying To say, steve?

Aha!

Figures.

What?

Obviously weasel's friend

Didn't want to burden you With excessive paperwork.

All the serial numbers Have been scraped off.

What?

Eddo, this stereo is hot.

Hey! It's my main dad dude.

Uh-oh.

Report-card time again?

No, just being cool.

Oh.

Just being me.

Mm-hmm.

Huh huh!

Uh...

Huh huh!

Uh, actually I could Use a little advice

On a hypothetical, Fictitious thing That never happened.

Oh, I see.

Go right ahead.

Oh, okay.

Good. Alright.

Uh,

Uh, let's say a guy Bought something expensive

For a real low price,

And suddenly Without warning,

He finds out that The stereo is stolen.

Oh, it's a stereo.

Uh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Uh, anyhow,

What should this Completely innocent And fictitious guy do?

Edward, did you buy A stolen stereo For your car?

Yeah!

Oh, son.

Dad, I didn't know. I swear it.

I believe you. Take it easy.

What should I do now?

First, we have To notify the police.

Well, I just did. I told you.

You're my father and a cop.

Right, And what do we do next?

Learn our lesson And forget about it?

Guess again.

Tell me where You bought it.

I'm gonna try to find Its rightful owner.

Oh, no. That's no good.

Excuse me?

I'd be getting Somebody in trouble

And be out 400 bucks.

That person Deserves trouble,

And you should have Been careful.

But, dad--

No buts, edward.

That stereo's coming Down to the police station.

Dad, it took me months To earn that money.

Besides, I didn't steal it.

If I didn't buy it, Somebody Would have.

That's enough, Edward.

Bottom line is that stereo Doesn't belong to you.

It never did And never will.

I wanted to be Up-front about this.

Oh, really,

Mr. Hypothetical, Fictitious thing that Never really happened?

Oh, come on, dad.

I was hoping you'd Realize I was ripped off.

Maybe you'd have sympathy And cut me some slack,

But you have to go By the book,

No matter how unfair It is to me.

I wish for once you'd Stop being a cop

And start being my dad.

Oh, hello, dr. Urkel. Is steve there?

Your son.

Oh, hi, steve. It's laura.

No, you're not dreaming.

Could you grab Your accordion

And come over here?

I'm in the mood for--

I came as soon As I could!

Uh...

Hello, myra.

Uh, laura...

Would you Care to explain What's going on here?

Myra likes you, And since you like me,

I knew I could get you To spend time with her.

Of all the sneaky, Underhanded tricks To pull!

You're good, baby.

Steve, just spend A few minutes with myra.

You may have something In common. You never know.

Oh, but--

But--but-- But, laura.

But, laura.

Uh...

So...

So...

You look Very pretty.

You look Very handsome.

Oh, thanks.

My hair's A little moist.

When laura called, I was rotating my cheese wheels.

Nice accordion.

Oh, thanks.

Grachian-lombacker Silver anniversary Model 2200?

Why, yes.

You sure do know Your squeezeboxes, Lady.

I should.

I play a little Accordion myself.

Wow!

The myron floren Polka master!

Signed and numbered.

[playing dueling banjos]

Hi, steve.

Hi, sweetums.

Well, what's the matter?

Why aren't you Looking at me?

I'm not worthy Of eye contact.

Why not?

Well...

Last night,

Right here with myra...

Yes?

Laura, I kissed her.

I know.

I peeked.

But what you don't know Is I liked it.

Well, steve, You're a man...

Kind of...

And you're supposed To enjoy kissing A pretty girl.

But, laura,

It feels so wrong to be Kissing another girl.

I want to be true To my heart,

And my heart Belongs to you.

Are you going To break it off With myra?

Hey, I'm no fool.

We're going To the movies tonight.

[car horn honks]

Coming, babe!

Yep...

Tonight I'll be Cuddling up with myra

At the paradise theater,

And while you're Sitting here all alone

Reading your hairdo mags,

Just remember, baby--

It could have been you.

You want it to be you?

Nope.

Just checking.

Coming, babe!

Think I can get lucky With chrissie oliver?

Weasel, I'm dating her.

Exactly. That's why I'm asking you.

You know,

You're already On thin ice.

I didn't even know The stuff was stolen.

I'm shocked and appalled.

Now you can't even trust A "Psst! Over here" guy.

Shut up And get in the car.

What car?

Oh, my god.

W-w-where's my--

Where's my car?

Weasel,

Weasel, Where's my car?

Do I look like I have it?

Oh, man, I don't believe this.

I-I've been robbed.

Hey, dad!

What?

My car's been stolen!

Quick! Call for backup. Put out an apb.

Get a helicopter!

Are you sure?

We parked it here 10 minutes ago.

It happened that fast?

Man, this is terrible.

I'll say.

I left my new hat In that car.

I'll be seeing you.

Dad, quick! Call the cops!

Relax, son.

But, dad--

Your car is not stolen.

It's down at the precinct.

The guys are taking out That hot stereo.

That's a relief. I'd be lost Without my ride.

Scared you, huh?

I felt scared, Angry, and helpless

At the same time.

Really?

You know, I bet that's exactly

How the owner Of that stereo felt

When it got ripped off From him.

Mmm.

You got me, dad.

You don't have to hit me Over the head.

Good, 'cause that's what I was going to try next.

You know, son,

It's a funny thing About hot property.

You never think About the victim Until you become one.

Gotcha.

I know that you think I'm too hard on you.

Sometimes.

It would be easy for me To be easy on you,

But believe me,

I would not be Doing you a favor.

I guess.

You know something?

I got to give you credit For one thing--

You came to me and Told me what you did.

Now, I know that was tough.

Oh, 400 bucks, dad--

Gone.

Well, I guess I did Learn a lesson.

Maybe--maybe That was worth more In the long run.

Oh, my gosh.

This is amazing.

What?

You are growing up.

Hi, girls.

Hi. Look who's here-- The blushing bride.

How's married life Treating you?

Honey, I have no idea.

Why not?

Well, we haven't Finished the honeymoon.

I shouldn't Be hearing this.

Harriette, Are you ready

To plant The tulip bulbs?

As soon as we finish.

I'll finish Putting away groceries.

Thanks, honey.

Thanks for coming over.

I really appreciate Your help.

That's exactly why We got the apartment So close--

So that I could See my family.

You know, um, I haven't been Over lately

Because fletcher and I Have been, uh,

Cuddling up so much.

Ha ha ha!

Where is fletcher?

He needed a nap!