Original subtitles

Honey, minnesota's pretty cold.

Did you pack Enough sweaters?

Three.

Well, what about socks?

I'm wearing some.

Look, guys, stop worrying. I'll be fine.

Laura, this is the first time You're going out without us.

Yeah!

I mean...

Yeah.

It's only for three days,

And we'll be chaperoned The whole time.

Why couldn't they hold

The midwest cheerleading Championships

Here in chicago? Why go to bemidji?

Well, bemidji's A famous cheer town.

They invented the phrase, "Sis boom bah!"

Well, let's hustle.

We don't want you To miss your flight.

Hey, laura, wait!

You almost forgot Your pompoms.

Ooh, I'd be lost Without those.

How can I thank you, richie?

Uh, a buck Should cover it.

I'm surprised steve Didn't embarrass you

With one of his melodramatic Goodbyes.

I warned him that if he did,

I'd staple His lips together.

Hi, sweetums.

Ooh, I'll pack these For you.

Bye.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Hi, babe. Hey.

Hey, dad.

Just the man I wanted to see.

Grab a seat, son.

Okay, sure. What's up?

I'm going to give you A haircut.

What?

How come?

It'll save me money.

No way.

Oh, now, now, now.

I know that I may botch

The first three Or four haircuts,

But, hey, I'll learn,

And over the years Think of the savings.

Mom, stop him!

He's trying To hurt my hair.

Carl, it's very important To eddie that he look good.

You're both overreacting.

Come on, let me take A whack at that head.

I'll even shave One of those designs-- You young people like.

Something cool Like a happy face.

Mom.

Carl, he doesn't have time For a haircut.

He doesn't?

No, he has To clean his room,

Wash the car, and take out the Trash, right, eddy?

Right, I got to go do those Things right now. Bye.

Now, you see.

I told you I'd get him To do his chores.

So listen to this.

Janet and I wanted to Do something exciting,

Something daring.

Ooh! Ooh!

We got fake I.D.S And went to club buff.

The male strip club?

Yes, girl.

Ooh! Ooh!

The dancers there are Drop-dead gorgeous.

What kind of dancing Do they do?

The kind where their Clothes come off.

Look, I'm going Again this weekend.

You guys have gotta come.

Hey, count me in.

I'll get the I.D.S. It's 50 bucks And a picture.

$50 is a lot of money.

Maxine, we're talking Near-naked hunks.

I'll have The cash tomorrow.

So, how about you, laura?

Sorry, guys, I think I'm gonna pass.

Why?

Max we're underage, What if we get caught?

Uh, so you take a risk.

That's what Makes it exciting.

I don't know.

Hello? I forgot Who I was talking to--

Miss laura "Goody Two shoes" winslow.

Wait a minute. I'm not a goody Two shoes. Right, max?

Yo, max, jump In here anytime.

Well...The kids at school

Do think you're kind of... Squeaky clean.

Well, does everybody Think that?

No, not everybody. There is one guy

Who thinks you're Wild and crazy.

Who?

Steve urkel.

I'll have the money Tomorrow.

Yes!

Carl, isn't it strange How different Our children are?

What do you mean, Sweetheart?

Well, with eddie and judy,

We have to beg, and trick them Into doing their chores.

Yeah, but not laura.

Laura always Does exactly what She's supposed to.

Yeah, takes after me.

Sure, in looks.

But she's got my personality.

You know, We're really lucky, carl.

These days it's tough To be a good kid.

There's a lotta temptation, Lotta peer pressure.

You know, honey, You're right.

We should reward laura.

Carl, that's a good idea.

I'll tell you what.

Tonight we'll give her

First crack At the pork chops.

Last week the poor Kid didn't get any.

You're all heart, carl.

But I was thinking about A reward that's a little more..

Expensive.

Well, yeah.

How about this, I take laura down to the mall

We have lunch And I let her pick out

Two or three brand new outfits. Isn't that a good idea?

Well, yeah, but we're gonna have To figure out a way

To pay for those outfits.

Say, how much do you pay For your haircuts?

Carl.

Just around the edges, now.

Carl, carl, no, no.

Alright! Let's kick it.

Babes, beware. Two dudes on the loose.

Right.

Yo, waldo, what's that New cologne you're wearing?

Oh, it's not cologne.

This baby's keeping More than my car fresh.

Hi-dee-ho, amigos!

Hey, steve.

What's up?

I'm taking a five From my lab.

I'm working On a new invention.

Oh, really? What is it?

It's a combination Nose-hair trimmer And flashlight.

I mean, let's be honest There's a lot up there We'd like to see.

Now, remember, waldo,

If we find Two girls together,

I get the ugly one.

Hey, how come you always Get first pick?

Alright. You can have The ugly one.

Okay, that's better.

Hello, steven.

Hi, laura.

L-laura.

L-legs.

Bazooms.

Laura, why do you Look so sexy,

So provocative,

And so, as they say In france,

"Whoa, mama"?

Steve, stop it. You're drooling On my carpet.

[doorbell rings]

Laura, don't run.

Why?

Because when you do,

You bounce.

Hey, girls.

You ready to check out Some hot bods?

Hot bods?

What's she Talking about?

We're going to club buff.

Club buff?

The strip joint?

Laura, why on earth

Would you go to that Den of iniquity,

That bicep boutique,

That Palace of pulsating, Perspiring pecs?

'cause we want to. Bye.

No!

I shall not allow this.

Move it or lose it, Steve.

No. You're not going.

I'm putting my foot down.

Ooh!

Ow!

Ow!

Ooh. Ooh.

Is this table To your liking?

Oh, thank you. It'll be fine, dear.

Sorry I had to grill you About your I.D.

You know, you don't look 28.

I get that all the time.

Here you go, miss.

Oh, it's mrs. --I'm a divorcee.

Caught my husband With the babysitter.

Alright. We're here. You ready for this?

Can you handle it?

Oh, yeah.

Would you ladies Like something to drink?

Oh, orange juice, Please.

I'll have the same, My good man.

I'll have a diet soda With muscles.

I mean, ice.

Laura, get a grip.

If you're like That with the waiter

How you gonna handle The dancers?

I'm not. I'm going home.

What? We just got here.

Max, I'm not good at this.

I'm too uptight To enjoy myself.

Just be cool.

Yeah, don't worry. Nothing bad's going to happen.

[blows whistle]

You ladies Are under arrest!

Aah! Aah!

Uh-oh, ladies,

You've been busted.

You have the right To remain...

Excited!

Say hello to one of chicago's Finest...

Officer bob!

Aah! Aah!

* let's get The music pumpin' loud *

* let's get some movement In this crowd *

* too many scattered bodies In the place *

Aah! Aah!

* we need to Rock this party *

* crank up the bass *

* is that loud enough? I don't think so *

* is that loud enough? I don't think so *

* is that loud enough? I don't think so *

* is that, yeah, boy **

Bonjour, gendarme.

Steve, What are you doing here?

Having a pop, pop.

Where you been?

We went to bubba's barbecue, If you must know--

It was all-you-could-eat night.

I'll bet poor bubba Broke into tears

When he saw you coming.

Ha ha!

[snort snort]

Ooh. Ooh.

Want some?

Get out.

Well, not so fast, Barbecue breath.

Where are The winslow womenfolk?

Rachel talked my Mother and harriette

Into going To a nightclub.

Oh. Girls' night out. How cute.

What club was it?

Club buff.

Club buff?

Well, it bothered Me at first that Harriette went,

But then I realized It'll make her appreciate

What she has at home.

Sure those dancers Have a few muscles And a lot of hair,

But do they have Charisma?

Huh?...Steve?

Steve?

I don't know what I did,

But I'm sure glad I did it.

Whoo! Whoo!

Aah! Aah!

Whoo! Encore, baby! Encore!

Whoo-hoo!

Come on, max, let's go To the ladies' room

And hose you down.

I don't know About this.

Oh, come on, harriette, Don't be such A stick in the mud.

Yeah. Get with it, sugar.

This place is a blast.

So, you've been Here before?

Uh, oh, once or twice.

Hi, estelle.

Oh, hello, derek. How are the kids?

Oh, just great. Would you like Your usual table?

That would be just fine.

Oh!

Wow. Large fella.

Beat it.

And talkative.

Listen, why don't you go Apply for statehood

While I speak To one of your patrons?

No men allowed,

And you're close Enough. Scram.

Listen, this will only Take a moment,

And it's very important.

Take a hike.

Listen, You sack of muscles In a bad suit,

I'm trying to be Reasonable here.

Hey, what are you doing?

Bye-bye.

Unhand me, you brut.

Aah!

[crash]

Whoo!

I love my work.

Hey, hey, hey, you.

Yes?

What are you doing here?

Well, um...I'm, uh...

I'm from The temp agency.

What? Please Tell me you're not The new dancer.

Oh, but I am.

I'm, uh...I'm replacing...

Uh...Who is it?

Pete the passionate Plumber?

Right.

I'm steve the sensuous...

Scientist.

That's a good outfit. Just one question.

You going to use That body?

Well, hey, it's not How many muscles you have.

It's how you use The ones you've got.

Get inside. You're on next.

But I need Time to pump up.

You also need Plastic surgery,

But we don't have time For that either.

I'm a little Out of practice. I normally do this..

Ladies, it's time to Fire up your bunsen burners.

Club buff

Reluctantly presents...

In his debut performance...

Steve The sensuous scientist.

Stop the music!

Stop the music!

What is wrong With you ladies?

You're acting Like animals.

Ogling men and urging them To deface themselves in public.

There's no justification For this behavior.

What do you have To say for yourselves?

Shut up And shake your booty.

My goodness.

Savages.

Now, listen. Listen to me.

Suppose you were An innocent young girl

Wearing a killer Gold dress

And far too much makeup--

How would you feel

If your mother Caught you in here

Along with your aunt And your grandma?

How would you feel About that?

Uh-oh.

The big uh-oh.

Laura, what would Possess you

To go to a place Like club buff?

I suppose I could ask you

The same question...

But I'm no fool.

I went because rachel Dragged me there.

She was dying to know what A place like that was like.

She should've asked Your grandmother.

She has a lifetime Membership.

Mom, I wanted to see What it was like, too.

Laura, I'm an adult.

You bought a fake I.D. And snuck into that place.

I know.

Why?

It was the only way I could get in.

You know what I mean.

That kind of behavior Is not like you.

That was the point, mom.

I wanted to be as little Like me as possible.

Did I miss something?

Mom, all the kids think I'm a miss goody two shoes.

I wanted To prove to them

That I could do something Wild and crazy.

Hmm.

What?

Well...

I guess we're two peas From the same pod.

Laura, When I was your age,

I was little Miss perfect.

Rachel was The daring one.

And she teased me Constantly.

And then one time I wanted to show her

That I could be Daring, too.

What did you do?

Well, The motown revue Came to chicago--

The temptations, The supremes,

Little stevie wonder,

And my All-time favorite, Smokey robinson.

Anyway, I ditched school And went to the hotel.

I waited four hours For them.

Did you get Their autographs?

Better. When smokey Walked past me,

I grabbed him,

Bent him back,

And planted a kiss Dead smack on his lips.

Mmm.

What a kiss.

Found out why they Called him smokey.

Mom, that is so cool.

I thought so, too,

Until my mother turned On the late-night news.

There I was--"Crazed fan Smooches smokey."

Ouch. Were you grounded?

Until disco came in.

Laura...

You want to be cool?

Then keep resisting Temptation.

Keep doing What you know in Your heart is right.

That's what's Really cool.

You're right.

That's my girl.

You know what, mom?

What?

Every time that I start to think

That nobody in the whole world Understands how I feel,

It turns out that You know exactly How I feel.

Why is that?

Simple...

I'm your mom.

The best mom.