Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Hi, gwendolyn. I'm going to the Basement to hunt for spiders.

Why?

You wouldn't understand. It's a guy thing.

Got to jam.

Wait.

Did you know this Sunday's valentine's day?

So?

So I was wondering...

Would you like To be my valentine?

Why?

You wouldn't understand. It's a girl thing.

Greetings, winslows.

Oh, hi, gwendolyn.

Hello, mr. Urkel.

Oh, mister.

I like The sound of that.

It rings of... Respect,

Maturity,

And poise.

So, where's laura?

I don't know.

Laura.

Laura!

She must be gone.

Or she wants me to think That she's gone.

But I'm not Falling for it.

Mr. Urkel, I need some advice.

Well, about what?

Romance.

I want richie To be my valentine,

But he seems not to Pay any attention to me.

Do you think There's another woman?

Well, I doubt it.

Then I guess He just doesn't like me.

Oh, pish tosh.

[panting]

What have you Been eating, kid?

Everybody likes you.

Then how come I can't get That delicious dude

To notice me?

Well, don't you worry, Gwendolyn.

I will get You and richie together.

You see,

I'm an expert When it comes to...

L'amour.

Take delicious Laura winslow, For example.

The little minx Absolutely adores me.

But she disguises Her undying love for me

With what appears to be Total repulsion.

It's classic case Of denial denial.

But I'm onto Her little games.

Yep. And it's Impossible for her

To put one over On steven q. Urkel.

See? I'm cheering You up already.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

What a miserable Evening.

Calm down, harriette. You're overreacting.

I am not. I don't wanna go To that restaurant again.

That's just As well 'cause

We'll probably Never be allowed In there again.

What?

Oh, nothing. Never mind.

No, no, no. Don't nothing, Never mind me, carl.

If you have Something to say, Just spit it out.

Alright, harriette.

You were a little Abrasive tonight.

Abrasive? I was not abrasive.

Well, yeah. Maybe abrasive Is the wrong word.

Maybe a better word Is loud.

Loud!

Like that.

And you got louder

Every time You made the maitre d'

Move us To another table.

Carl, our first table Was right next to the entrance

Where everybody was Waiting to be seated.

I don't like 30 people Hanging over my shoulder

Saying, "Hey, señora, Can you eat A little faster?"

I understand that.

So they picked up All our stuff

And moved us.

Yeah. Right next To the bathrooms.

Ordinarily I'd like a table Next to the water.

But not when It's swirling around A porcelain tank.

I understand that. So they picked up All our stuff

And moved us again.

And deliberately Sat us next to A cigar smoker.

You know, you Were rude to That guy, harriette.

I simply put out His cigar.

In his soup.

Did I embarrass you, Carl? Is that the problem?

Yes, harriette. To be quite frank,

I was embarrassed.

And so were All the other Customers.

No, they weren't.

Harriette, They applauded When we left.

The valet Gave me a tip.

Oh, no, no, no, no, carl.

You're wrong.

The maitre d' gave me A two-for-one coupon.

Look at it again, Harriette.

It's to another Restaurant.

Carl, I'm not a weak, Wimpy woman

That's afraid To speak her mind.

When I'm unhappy About something, I say so.

And it would be nice if You'd support me sometimes

Instead of hiding Behind your napkin

Worrying about What other people think!

I don't care What people think.

You most Certainly do!

I do not. And keep your Voice down. The Neighbors might hear.

Mail's here. Would you like To see it?

Just put it on the table, I'll look at it later.

You mean This table?

Or would you Like to move To another table?

Hi, guys.

Hi. Yeah.

I'm going shopping. I'll see you later.

Oh, would you like Me to come along?

Oh, no. You know How I act in public.

I wouldn't want To embarrass you.

Oh, you're right.

You might get us banned From the market, too.

Uh, do I sense Some marital discord?

Uh, might I suggest

A romantic dinner for two

At a cozy Little restaurant?

I know a wonderful place

Where they give doggy bags In the shape of swans.

Laura, my pet.

Hi, steve.

Well, What's the matter, Darling?

I can't find Any tissue.

Well, here. Use my hanky.

[blows noisily]

And by all means, Keep it.

Thanks.

Now, tell stevie What's bothering

His little laura-poo.

Ted and I had A terrible fight.

Ohh, phooey.

Well, what happened?

Well, I went To the cafeteria

To meet ted for lunch.

He was Blatantly flirting

With chantelle schwartz.

That cad! What happened?

Well, you know How chantelle is.

First she...

Wiggled past him.

And then she said,

"Hello, teddy.

You're looking fine, Baby."

Oh! That tramp.

And do you know What he said?

No. What?

He said,

"Thanks, So do you."

So then I told him

That he should put his eyes Back in his sockets.

Then he said, my jealousy Was getting outta hand.

Then I said his Flirting was Getting outta hand.

Then he said We've been seeing Too much of each other.

Then I said we Should cool it. Before I knew it,

We were breaking up.

Oh, my poor, Poor baby.

Ohh.

I didn't really Want it to end.

I know, I know.

This is A terrible tragedy In your life.

You're just gonna Have to pull Yourself together

And look On the bright side.

What bright side?

Well, Now you're free To find mr. Right.

And who knows?

Mr. Right Could be...

Mr. Right Under your nose.

What?

Well, sure, baby. In a few hours, You just may say,

To yourself "Hey, Steve is looking Kind of hunky."

Eew!

Only a desperate Loser would pursue A woman on the rebound.

I'll do it.

[knock on door]

Special delivery for The lovely laura winslows.

Steve, what Are you up to now?

Read the tag.

"Open this box and get A chocolate surprise."

Surprise.

Sweets for my sweet.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait.

At least taste The nutty one In the middle.

No, thanks. I'm on a no-pest diet.

Take that Silly thing off.

[choking]

I stuck my ear-- My ear.

Laura lee winslow--

Uh, uh, uh...

Laura lee winslow,

Will you Be my valentine?

Steve, every year you Ask me to be your valentine.

And every year I turn you down.

What made you think this Year will be different?

Oh, I don't know.

I just thought that since You and ted broke up,

Well, you might Be feeling Kinda lonely.

And since I'm Always lonely,

Well, I thought That maybe we could be Each other's valentine.

And for a short while,

A few bittersweet hours,

We could help Guide each other

Through the rocky shoals Of human heartache.

Oh, steve, That's beautiful.

Thanks, kermit said that To miss piggy

In the muppets Go hawaiian.

Listen, I might agree To be your valentine.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

But--but only On one condition.

And what's that?

There can't be Any lip contact.

Oh, the ignominious No-lip clause.

Well, you know, baby, I'm a pretty hard-nosed Negotiator, and I--

Take it or leave it. I'll take it.

Happy valentine's day, Steve.

Happy valentine's day, Laura.

Ah.

I'm ready, uncle steve.

Ohh!

Richie, why, you've got Quite a dashing figure.

Why do I have to wear My dress-up clothes?

I haven't worn this stuff Since uncle louie Bought the farm.

Well, I didn't know Your uncle louie died.

He didn't. He bought a farm.

We had a big party and Got dressed up for it.

Oh, I see.

Well, have a seat.

And your waiter Will be with you In a moment.

Waiter?

It's all part of the big Surprise I promised you.

Just relax and enjoy.

Good evening, mr. Crawford, And welcome To chez winslow.

Eddie?

Yes, I'm edward. I'll be Serving you this evening.

What's going on?

A drink while you wait For your dinner companion?

My what?

[doorbell rings]

Good evening, gwendolyn.

Good evening, mr. Urkel.

Is everything going okay?

Perfectly.

I'm feeling A little nervous.

Just do as I told you,

And everything Will be just fine.

Eddo, could you show Gwendolyn to a table?

Let me see If one's available.

Ah! Table one.

You look very pretty Tonight, gwendolyn.

Thank you. I try.

Oh, richie. What a surprise.

Gwendolyn, What's going on here?

It's valentine's day.

Here, richie. This is for you.

"Roses are red,

"Some socks are black.

Won't you be My daddy mac?"

I wrote that one myself.

Gwendolyn, this Yucky goo-goo stuff Makes me nauseous.

I just want you To be my valentine.

That's all? That's all.

Okay then, If it's that big A deal to you,

I'll be your valentine.

Really? Really.

Now, let's blow out This candle

And watch some cartoons.

Whatever you say, dear.

Mrs. Winslow?

Yes, mr. Winslow?

Would you accept A dozen roses

As an apology for The reprehensible Behavior

Of your Foolish husband?

Nope.

Oh.

How about if I Throw in a 2-pound box Of chocolates?

Now you're talking.

Honey, you know,

I just hate it When we fight.

Me, too.

You know What I realized A few moments ago?

That you couldn't sneak A piece of this candy Without breaking the seal?

Besides that.

No, I-I realize that I was angry at you

For being stubborn and Pushy at the restaurant.

And I was angry at You for being wimpy And indecisive.

I know, but, you know,

I guess another word For stubborn Is strong-willed,

And another word For pushy is assertive.

Sweetheart, one of The main reasons I Fell in love with you

Is because You're a strong And assertive woman.

Well, I guess other words For wimpy and indecisive

Could be tolerant And understanding.

Those are the things I've always loved About you.

Do you remember when We bought this house?

You were so strong And assertive

That the seller Came down 10 grand

Just to get you Off his back.

You know, carl,

Maybe the qualities That we admire About each other

Are also The qualities That annoy us.

I mean, Depending on The circumstances.

You're right,

But you know,

No matter how Angry I get at you,

Sweetheart, I will always love you

From the very bottom Of my heart.

I love you, too, carl.

Hey, mrs. Winslow.

Hmm?

Will you Be my valentine?

[carl] I'll take that as a yes.

[beep beep]

[beep beep]

[beep beep]

[beep beep]

Hello, richie.

How's my favorite Daddy mac?

Hi, gwendolyn.

That jeep is fat.

Thanks. You want to take This baby for a spin?

Sure.

Great.

What's this?

Sound system?

Yeah. Check it out.

[upbeat music plays]

* ting ting ting-ting Ting ting ting-aling *

* ting ting ting-ting Ting ting ting-aling *

* ting ting ting-ting Ting ting ting-aling *

* my heart Is on standstill... **

Great song. Heh heh.

Wait until you Hear the next one.

[slow music plays]

Would you care to dance?

In your dreams, babe.