Original subtitles

Weasel, I don't believe You guys.

What time did we Agree to meet here

To go get the tickets For tracie spencer's Concert tonight?

8:00.

And what time did You two show up?

10:30.

Right. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised

That they were Sold out.

Yeah. So lighten up, man.

Hey, I have a good excuse.

I was visiting My uncle In the hospital.

-which one? -our lady of mercy.

-nah. No, which uncle? -my uncle cannonball faldo.

He's the guy that gets shot out Of the cannon at the circus.

Someone put in too much Gunpowder and blew him

Smack dab into The flying fanellis.

Well, who did that?

I don't know. Some clown.

Listen, guys, I'm nuts about Tracie spencer.

I mean, She's beautiful, She's talented,

I have all her cds. Her poster..

Hey, yo. Chill out, My man. Dag!

Look, if the fly girl Means that much to you,

We'll just jam down To her hotel room

And ask That sweet thing For some tickets.

Oh, right, weasel.

We'll just waltz Past her bodyguards.

Yeah, weasel.

We won't waltz in. We'll sneak in.

-together? -nah, separately!

That way we have A better chance of Getting the tickets.

Man, do you really think We could get away with it?

No sweat, chet. Piece o' cake.

Now, the only thing to it Is to do it.

Ho, yeah.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Wait a minute.

What are we Supposed to do, again?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Ahh.

Writing in your Diary again, babe?

Yeah.

That's nice.

Ahh.

Oh, boy.

Sweetheart.

Mm-hmm.

You ever write About me?

Mm-hmm.

Good stuff?

Sometimes.

Bad stuff?

Sometimes.

Can I read it?

Nope.

Why not?

Because it's private.

Harriette, Could you hand me A tissue, please?

No, carl!

Okay, fine.

I don't want to read Your little diary Anyway.

-carl, you're acting like a kid. -I am not.

I was going to Tell you something Really neat,

But I'm not gonna Now.

Ahh.

[rustling]

Ahh.

[rustling]

[snoring]

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

Look, I know the party's Going to be slamming,

But tracie can't go.

Of course she's got a good Reason. She's got homework!

[knock on door]

Wow. Come on in.

Boy, look at All this stuff.

Tracie's fans Sure love her.

They sure do!

Uh, is miss spencer Around?

No. She's rehearsing For her concert tonight.

Tracie doesn't Need to rehearse.

She's absolutely Perfect.

You're a big fan, Huh?

Me?

No offense, sir, But this is A fancy hotel.

I mean, I see big Stars all the time.

Oh, man!

This is from M.C. Hammer!

Yo, man, it's from M.C. Hammer!

The hammer man!

[knock on door]

Yeah, who is it?

[high voice] Housekeeping.

I--I'll get it, sir.

You're weasel?

Yeah, so keep your Mouth shut!

Maid service.

The maid was already here Two hours ago.

Well, that was just A trainee.

I have to check Her work.

I'm the boss maid, Tawanda toyota.

Get your hands On me,

And you'll never Let go!

I'll take your word For it.

Hi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and good morning To you, too.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't get much Sleep last night.

Neither did I.

I had to guard My diary all night.

Well, there'd be No problem

If you'd just Let me read it.

Forget it, carl.

I'm going shopping, And I want you To promise me

You won't read My diary.

Alright, alright.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not good enough.

I want you to promise.

Okay.

I promise I will not read

Your precious Little diary.

Thank you.

But I didn't promise

I wouldn't get Somebody else to read it.

Now, let's see...

Who will make A good patsy?

Hi-dee-ho, big guy.

Yeah. Just-just Put those Over there.

Ooh, good lord!

My aching back.

And my poor Swollen feet.

I'm going to have To cut these shoes off With a blowtorch.

Tired, huh?

You mind if I sit down And rest my beautiful Bootie?

Yeah, actually, I do mind.

Say what?

Look. Tracie's gonna Be back here in a minute.

We can't have The maid sitting here Resting her bootie!

[normal voice] What you Saying, ace?

I'm not good enough to Hang out with the broad? That what you're saying?

Huh? Huh?

[high voice] Oops.

I think I'll come back A little later, sir.

Just a second.

Oh, thank god!

What do you mean?

I was hoping no woman Could be that ugly.

Look, I just want a couple of Extra tickets to the concert.

Careful. You'll tear My pantyhose.

Just get out before I call security.

And to think I left you Extra towels!

Just get out of here!

Do you believe what people will Go through to meet tracie?

Yeah. It's sad, sir. Some people just aren't What they appear to be.

I've had it. The next guy I catch sneaking in here

Is gonna spend The rest of His life in jail.

Aren't you done yet?

It looks like A rain forest in here.

Hi, lee. I'm back.

Yo. Yo ho ho.

Oh. Oh, ho ho.

Ooh hoo hoo.

Ooh ooh. Ho.

It's tracie spencer!

Lee, you know who that is? It's tracie spencer!

Tracy, you got a basket From m.C. Hammer

And flowers From johnny gill!

-well, hi. -oh, god.

Tracie spencer Said hi to me.

He meets big stars All the time.

Listen, kid, Thanks for your help.

Here's a little Something for your trouble.

Gee, thanks. But, lee--

Well, bye.

Listen, lee, I'm having A little trouble

With the vocals On tender kisses.

Oh, really? Well, Let's play the track

And see what The problem is.

[music plays]

* I'm so *

* confused *

* and I think I'm gonna cry *

* tonight *

* what must I do, babe? *

* you don't know What you mean *

* oh, I *

* tell me something *

* tell me could this Really be? *

* you are so *

* unpredictable *

* why must you *

* treat me this way? *

* I want you *

* to love me For who I am *

* who I am *

* whatever happened *

* to the dreams We used to share? *

* where did Our love go? *

* boy, don't you even Care? *

* tender kisses *

* blown away *

* tender kisses, baby *

* yeah *

* gone tomorrow, Gone today *

* tender kisses, Baby *

* bye, baby *

* bye, baby *

* don't leave *

* leave me here All alone *

* I want someone *

* I can call my own *

* I may be young, But *

* I'm ready *

* ready to * * ready to *

* fall in love ** * fall in love **

You have A great voice.

S-so do you.

But of course You know that.

You have albums out. People pay to see you.

I mean, You're my biggest fan.

Oh, god.

I mean, I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, girl. You are so fly. Will you marry me?

First of all, let's take it A little bit slower.

What's your name?

Eddie bellboy.

I--I mean winslow. Winslow.

Eddie winslow, That's my name.

Well, hi, Eddie winslow.

-and you're a bellboy? -no, not really.

You see, I gave a real bellboy 20 bucks to borrow this uniform.

He's down in the hall Shivering in the linen closet.

You want me to throw him out?

Are you kidding, My biggest fan?

Eddie, why'd you go through So much trouble Just to meet me?

Well, you see, tracy, I waited In line for hours To get tickets to your concert .

But they were sold out.

Tickets? I can get you some tickets.

And would you like Backstage passes, too?

I love you, tracie.

I think that's a yes.

[car horns honk]

What's that?

Hmm. I don't know.

Oh, it looks like Some kind of cannon.

I saw one of those In the circus.

Look. Somebody's Climbing in it.

[boom]

Look out!

-waldo? -what's up?

Wow.

Tracie spencer.

Do you have Any aspirin?

Steve, For the last time...

Open the diary

And read it to me!

No, sir.

This diary Belongs to harriette.

And I will not Violate her privacy.

And there is absolutely Nothing you can do

To ever get me To change my mind.

How about if I convince laura To go on a date with you?

"January 1st."

"We had our wonderful New year's eve party,

Except carl got sick And threw up all over--"

Yes, skip that part. Skip that part.

"March 10th.

"Went to the market.

"I've been there A hundred times,

"But this time Was different.

This time I met raoul."

Raoul? Who's raoul?

Wait, wait, wait.

"Raoul is the new Produce manager.

"He introduced himself,

"And I was Immediately struck

"By his deep brown eyes,

"His engaging Sense of humor,

"And how delicately He handled my...

Cantaloupes."

[gasps]

Why, Of all the lowdown--

Calm down, carl. Calm down.

Easy.

"Raoul asked me out,

But I told him I was happily married."

That a girl, Harriette.

"March 24th.

Raoul's houseboat Is beautiful."

What?

"I feel so safe In raoul's strong arms."

Oh.

"I love him so much,

But I sort of Like carl, too."

Oh, no.

Hold on, big guy. Listen to this.

Aha!

"It's over With me and raoul."

Oh, thank god.

"Chuck is twice the man Raoul is."

Chuck?

Who--what-wh--

Holy mackerel, carl.

Why, I had no idea Harriette was so,

Shall we say,

Friendly?

Hi, guys.

Aha!

How could you, Harriette?

What's the matter, carl?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

This is What's the matter.

Carl, you promised You wouldn't read my diary.

Well, I didn't read it.

Steve read it to me.

Steve, How could you?

Well, I didn't want to do it.

But carl promised he'd try And get me a date with laura.

I'm sorry, harriette.

I'm weak.

Carl...

Those are my personal, Private thoughts.

Oh, and they are Personal and private.

"March 24th.

Raoul's houseboat Is beautiful."

-carl, listen. -no, you listen.

"Chuck is twice the man Raoul is."

-carl-- -I'm not finished yet, Harriette.

"April 24th.

"Carl...

"I planted This fake diary

Because I knew You'd read it."

Oops.

What do you Have to say now, carl?

You actually believed The nonsense in here?

Not all of it.

Carl winslow, you're the most Insecure man I've ever met.

I am not.

Am I really?

If you weren't insecure,

You wouldn't have Believed for a second

That I would Have an affair.

Carl...

This is my real diary.

Read what I wrote Last night.

"February 4th.

"I'm such A lucky woman.

"I have a lovely home And three Wonderful children.

"But best of all, I get to share it

"With a caring And understanding Husband,

A man I love more And more every day."

Thanks, harriette.

I love you more And more every day, too, Sweetheart.

Feeling better now, carl?

Much better.

And I watched Her entire concert From the first row!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Then after the concert was over

I got to go backstage, I met her entire band,

And we hung out In her dressing room.

Right. And last night, I had dinner With big bird.

Yeah. And laura Has the hots for me.

Hey, this ain't right. I hook up with The high priestess of pop,

And nobody believes me.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get that.

It's probably... Whitney houston.

[laughing]

Hi. Is eddie home?

Oh, my god.

You're...

Wh--

But--

Do you know Who you are?

Tracie spencer.

[mumbling]

Come inside.

Wh--

Alright.

It's great To see you, tracie.

Uh, this is my dad,

My sister laura, My cousin richie, And our neighbor steve.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Listen, eddie, I'm on my way Out to the airport.

And I have six more stops On my tour.

And I just wanted To give you my itinerary.

Great.

Maybe you even can write me Once in a while.

Every day.

-can I call you, too? -that'd be great.

So, would you like To ride to the airport With me?

My limo will bring you back.

Yeah.

Well, hey, let's go.

Okay.

It was nice Meeting all of you.

Bye. Bye.

Ahem.

Well, I guess I'll go with My friend tracie spencer...

In her stretch limo.

See ya.