Original subtitles

Yo, ted, laura.

What's up? Hi, waldo.

Are you an usher here?

Yep.

I thought you worked with

The ground crew At the airport.

I did, but they fired me when I directed a jumbo jet

Into the luggage carousel.

Wait here.

Now, remember--

In the unlikely event Of a water landing,

Your cushion may be used As a flotation device.

Thanks, waldo.

No problem, laura.

Excuse me.

Wow!

This is fantastic.

Yeah. C & c music factory live.

No, I mean us-- You and me

And no steve urkel.

You mean No steve urkel yet.

He's followed us On every date.

He just Won't give up.

You know what we need?

An urkel-size roach motel.

Hey, what about introducing Him to another girl?

Get real, ted, who would be Willing to go out with urkel?

My cousin myra might Want to meet him.

Really?

What's wrong with her?

Nothing. She's just Attracted to brainy guys.

Well, that sounds good, But there's one problem.

Steve is obsessed With me.

Yo, man.

Dock them boats, man.

Don't worry, be happy.

Everything Gonna be alright.

Hey, man.

You used to drive A blue toyota, man?

Yeah, what do You mean "Used to"?

It's on fire, man.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Oh, pretty lady,

Dump the pretty boy, And we be jammin'.

Steve, that's enough!

Ow!

That was bobby-pinned.

Urkel!

Wha--oh!

My car was not on fire.

Go home, urkel.

I paid for my seat.

I said, go home.

Calm down.

Go home!

Go home!

Go home!

I don't have To take this.

I'm going home.

My dreadlocks, If you please.

Hmm.

Bill, bill, bill.

Hey, judy.

Hi.

What's the matter, Sweetheart?

I'm dead meat.

You remember mom's dress

With all the sparkly Things on it?

You mean sequins.

Yeah.

Well, I sort of Tried it on,

I sort of Got it dirty,

And I sort of put it In the washing machine.

Uh-oh. Was it damaged?

Well, don't worry, Sweetheart.

The next time we go out,

We'll just glue these On to your mother.

Daddy, Mom will kill me.

Well, take it easy, Sweetheart. I'll tell you what,

Wait till your mama's In a real good mood,

Then I'll Explain things to her.

You're the best.

Hey, dad,

Can I borrow 20 bucks?

20 bucks?

Edward, do you see This stack of envelopes?

This is not Fan mail, son.

These are bills.

How about 15?

Edward, Do you see this bill?

It's from the land Of lincoln casualty--

$400 for your Car insurance.

Whoa! Hey, That's a lot of money.

You said it.

I wouldn't pay it.

Uh, edward,

You're always complaining How I treat you like a kid.

I'm going to give you some Real adult responsibility.

From now on,you're going To start paying part Of your car insurance.

But, dad--

No buts.

The quarterly premium Is $400.

You'll pay 1/4 of that amount

Out of your paycheck.

But that's 60 bucks.

100. Nice try, son.

Do you know how many times I'll have to say,

"How about some mustard On that mighty weenie"

To make 100 bucks?

No, but, keep track.

The guys at the precinct love Interesting facts like that.

Oh, sure, mock me,

But let me tell you Something, dad

I didn't get This part-time job To be responsible.

I got it To impress chicks.

Laura, my pet?

Thanks for coming, Steve.

Oh, sorry, I'm tardy.

But, I just got back From the optometrist.

He dilated The old peepers,

So things are A little foggy.

Is that a new hairdo?

Steve, I'm over here.

Ah!

So,

What's on your Gorgeous mind?

Oh!

I have tickets To the dave koz concert.

I want you to go--

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

A thousand times, yes!

Why, this is the greatest Day of my life!

Well, ted's coming, too.

Oh.

Well, ordinarily Three's a crowd, but--

It's not just The three of us.

Ted's bringing His cousin myra.

Oh?

Well, in some mountainous Regions of the country,

That sort of thing Is acceptable,

But here in the city We have regulations. We have protocol.

Uh, steve...

Oh, darling, What difference Does it make

If two or a thousand People tag along

As long as we're together?

Laura?

Have you been eating?

Why, you're nothing But skin and bones.

Oh!

Listen, It's a double date.

I'll be with ted.

You'll be with myra.

Ted told her All about you,

And despite that, She's looking forward To meeting you.

Wait a minute.

This is A transparent attempt

To pawn me off On another woman.

It ain't going to work, Never in a million years.

Please, stevie?

Okay.

Ooh, she touched me.

[doorbell rings]

And these are for you, Sweetums,

And, uh, these are For what's-her-name.

Her name is myra.

Yeah, well, you better write it On your face,

'cause that's where I'll Be looking all night.

Steve, give her a chance. You might even like her.

Hah! I'd be Very surprised indeed.

[doorbell rings]

Hi.

Arrgh.

Myra, this is laura.

Nice to meet you. Hello.

And this is your date, steve.

Hello, steve. Hello.

I'm sure you're aware Myra was a seaport

In ancient lycia.

Oh, yes, And I'm sure That you're aware

That steve Derives from The greek stefanos,

I.E. Crown.

But of course.

And these are por vous.

Oh, they're beautiful.

I just love ranunculus,

And look At these lovely Catananchi serulia.

What?

Buttercups And cupid's dart.

Read a book!

Uh, come on, guys. We better get going.

Apres vous, my little Ancient seaport.

Merci, My handsome stefanos.

Hee hee hee!

[snort]

What a cute little snort.

Oh!

Yes! Yes!

Hey, honey, what's up?

What ought to be up?

But the good news is, richie has Volunteered to skip his bath.

Now, there's a team player.

Wait a minute.

Are you paying edward's Share of his car insurance?

Yeah. He met this girl And took her to dinner.

Don't worry, He promised to pay me back.

Uh-huh.

Always coddling That kid.

Carl, are you saying That I'm coddling eddie?

Well, since You brought it up...

Carl, I'm simply helping him.

Harriette, That is not helping him.

Edward needs To learn responsibility.

How's he gonna do that if You let him off the hook?

Calm down.

I won't calm down.

I mean, this is very important.

Carl,

Let me get this straight.

If our kids screw up,

We should just let them Take their lumps?

Absolutely. How else Are they gonna learn?

No exceptions? No exceptions.

Why are you Covering for judy? Say what?

You said my sequined gown

Was mixed up In the laundry.

What you didn't tell me Was judy ruined it.

Me helping judy is totally Different from you Helping eddie.

Oh? How?

You weren't supposed To find out about judy.

Carl, our daughter Has a conscience.

She confessed The whole thing.

I see.

Well, I'm going to have To have a talk with her,

Stamp out That pesky honest streak.

Carl, let's face it.

Edward has always Been able to get away With anything with me,

And laura and judy Have you wrapped Around their fingers.

I guess, that's true.

Whenever I put my foot down,

They bat their pretty little Eyes, and I crumble.

That's okay, honey.

Our children need To learn responsibility.

They also Need to know that We're there to help.

You know something?

You are a very wise woman, Mrs. Winslow.

Why, thank you, Mr. Winslow.

I think we make a great team.

I foul everything up,

And you straighten Everything out.

You're being little Hard on yourself.

I mess up sometimes, Too.

Oh?

Well, I can't think Of any examples,

But I'm sure it's Bound to happen someday.

These are Great seats.

Well, ted Got the tickets.

No, they're great Because I'm sitting Next to you.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

Wjgz radio and The chicago concert series Are proud to present

The sultan Of the sensuous saxophone--

Dave koz!

[saxophone plays]

Laura, you look Fabulous tonight.

Oh, puh-lease.

Laura's too smart To fall for that Trite bait.

Oh, ted, You're so sweet.

Uh-oh. I hope she doesn't Notice that huge zit Behind my ear.

That's a nice tie.

Oh, thanks. It's a clip-on.

Oh, why did I say that?

Would it have been a crime to Let her think I could tie my Own tie?

Ew! I wonder If laura's noticed Ted's humongous zit.

Let's see. If ivana trump Married neil diamond,

She'd be ivana diamond.

Do you mind?

Oh, not at all.

Uh-oh. Ted almost Caught me staring At his zit.

Oh, I wish steve Would put his arm Around me.

Hmm, maybe I Can give him some Encouragement.

Oh, my god. Did I use deodorant?

Yes, fresh As a pine forest.

I wonder if I should Put my arm around The little vixen.

Oh, go for it, You studster.

Yes! Touchdown!

I really like him.

She really likes me.

She really likes him.

She really likes him?

Now, if ivana divorced Neil diamond and married Jack nicklaus,

She'd be ivana Diamond nicklaus.

Laura, isn't this romantic?

It sure is.

Myra...

Isn't this romantic?

It sure is.

Oh! Oh!

Stop the music!

Stop the music!

Stop the music!

[music stops]

Steve, what are you doing?

I'll tell you What I'm doing.

I, steven q. Urkel,

Am guilty Of emotional adultery.

Ohh! Ooh! Ohh!

Ever since kindergarten,

I've loved one girl And one girl only--

The lovely laura winslow.

Stand up, laura. Take a bow.

Well, come on.

Stand up and show That funky bod.

Is this a raving beauty Or what, huh?

In a perfect world,

Laura and I Would be a couple,

An item, a pair,

But alas,

It's not A perfect world,

And laura's here With another man.

Oh, stand up, Pretty boy.

Ted's an okay guy,

But he's got two things I don't have--

My woman

And a humongous zit Behind his ear.

Dave koz, Ladies and gentlemen!

Dave koz.

Hey, you, could you Wrap this up already?

I'm trying to Give a concert.

Oh, hang tight, davie.

Folks, laura and ted

Arranged for me to date This lovely, intelligent Girl right here.

Stand up, myra. Take a bow.

Park it.

She's a delightful, Sweet young lady,

But enchanting Though she is,

My heart will always And forever

Belong To the lovely laura.

Laura lee winslow,

The girl with the smile

That can light The darkest corners

Of my heart...

Her lovely eyes sparkle

With the eternal promise Of happy tomorrows.

Her ripe, full lips

Could kiss away all The sorrows and worries

Of my weary soul.

Tonight I was tempted

By the effervescent Personality

And bodacious bod Of another.

By god, I nearly succumbed,

But I hereby declare,

And all of you Are my witnesses,

That I shall never, Ever stray.

Nay, I say.

Instead, I shall Redouble my efforts

To win laura's heart.

I shall pursue her Relentlessly

Until I hear those Three magical words

I have waited My entire life to hear--

"I...

Give up."

I wonder if I'd have the guts To make a speech like that To win a girl.

Fortunately, With my looks, I'll never have to.

I'm going to kill steve.

Yep. He needs to be killed.

He's dead.

I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him.

I think I really Impressed laura tonight.

Yep. She wants me bad.

Oh, it's a pity I had to hurt myra.

After tonight, She'll never forgive me.

God, I want steve.

I know size Isn't important,

But I bet his brain Is huge.

I don't know what He sees in that laura.

But I swear, I'll never rest

Until I make him mine.

If ivana divorced neil diamond And jack nicklaus

And married ron darling,

She'd be ivana diamond Nicholas darling.