Original subtitles

Greetings, Fellow students.

[students cheering And hooting]

[eddie] Stand back, everybody. I'm going first.

Hold your breath, steve.

You're going down.

Dream on, eddo.

You couldn't Hit wisconsin.

Oh, puh-lease.

I've seen better arms On a chair.

Yo, everybody, How about a little help?

Alright! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey! Hey! No fair!

Laura, do something!

Okay, steve.

On 3, everybody.

1...

2...3!

Ha ha ha ha.

Look, it's the dodger Pitching staff.

Ha ha ha ha.

Stand back, Everybody.

Wuh-oh!

What a woman!

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Hey, max.

Hey, ted.

Hello, laura. Hello.

Can I read you a poem?

No, but you can read My lips--get lost.

Laura, Don't you think

You were a little Rough on ted?

Maxine, he let His friends think We slept together.

He's a liar.

That was two months ago.

He apologized in front Of the whole school.

I think he's a nice guy who made A mistake and is truly sorry.

Well, maybe, but I'm not Ready to forgive him yet.

But what if another Girl would ask him

To the sadie Hawkins dance, Wouldn't you be upset?

No way. It wouldn't Bother me at all.

I'd help the girl Pick out her shoes.

Wow! What a great turnout.

I bet The school pulls in A nice chunk of change.

Carl, do you Like this dress?

I love that dress.

Yellow is a great Color for you.

No, it isn't.

I look like A school bus.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do! All I need Is a sign on my back--

"Stop when lights flash."

Harriette, please. You look wonderful.

Thank you, But I don't feel wonderful.

I feel fat.

Listen, let's just Change the subject.

Good idea.

Tomorrow For my birthday,

No cake or ice cream.

Harriette, You're not fat.

So stop dwelling On the subject.

Let's just Forget about it.

You're right.

Hello, ma'am.

Would you like me To guess your weight?

Why? Do I look fat?

Is that what you're saying?

Uh, I'm sorry.

Her mother was mugged by A guess-your-weight guy.

Let's see.

I see A recent challenge.

A math test, huh?

Yeah. I had a math Test yesterday.

How did you know that?

You still Have trig formulas

Written on your hand.

I do not.

I know. I was just kidding.

I'm in your class.

Oh, that's right. You're jane bowman.

Close, close, I'm melissa robbins.

Uh, I'm sorry.

That's okay. Jane and I are a lot alike.

We both have...Hair.

Well, it's nice To meet you, melissa.

I'm, uh... Eddie winslow.

I know your sister laura.

She told me All about you.

Uh-oh.

Yo, what'd she say?

Good things, good things.

You're a terrific Big brother.

You're an all-city Basketball player.

True, true.

And you Won't go to sleep

Without your scooby-doo Night-light.

Keep it moving, Mr. Lead pants.

Don't tucker your pucker. It's me she wants.

Hi, laura.

You're lucky this Is for charity, ted.

Look, laura, I know You're still mad at me.

And I don't blame you,

But, girl, I'm Miserable without you.

Look at this.

If it isn't my Favorite soap opera--

The young And the useless.

You're really Miserable Without me?

I swear, laura.

I can't sleep, I can't eat.

Please forgive me.

Yoo hoody yoo!

Hey, you. Hey, that's More than a buck's worth.

Listen, Hey, hey, hey!

Vacuum face, I said that's enough!

Look, ted, maybe you And I could start over.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Would you like to go To the dance with me?

Yes.

I mean, no.

Uh, laura, maxine asked me, And I said yes.

Me and My big mouth.

I told max I didn't care

If you went With someone else.

We'll go out Next weekend.

Sure.

Yeah, well...

Walk on, pretty boy.

Now that The boys are gone,

It's time to, uh, Lock lips with a man.

Shift change.

Shift change?

So, melissa,

Do you see anything In here about a dance?

Hmm. Uh, yes, I do.

Oh, you are Having a great time.

Can you see who I'm with?

Well, um...

She's Very mysterious,

But she was afraid To ask you

Because She wasn't sure If you'd accept.

Well, uh...

I hope she's The adventurous type.

Will you go to The dance with me?

It says here I'll Pick you up at 8:00.

Hey, guys. Guess what?

I got my date for The sadie hawkins dance.

Cool. Who's the lucky babe?

Melissa robbins.

That's A good one, man.

Melissa robbins?

Now, come on. Who you Really going with?

I just told you. Melissa robbins.

Oh. Oh.

What?

Let me see, how can I Put this delicately?

She's a dog.

She is not.

Please, she wouldn't Be allowed in a restaurant

Unless she was leading A blind guy.

Listen, guys, melissa's Really a nice girl.

She's a schnauzer In a skirt.

Bounce that bowwow And find somebody fly.

Hi, eddie.

What's the matter?

I-I'm embarrassed.

Uh...You see, I--I can't

Go with you to the... To the dance.

Oh. Well, how come?

Uh, well, I forgot That next saturday

I'm taking my dog To be neutered.

Can't you change The appointment?

No, he's really Looking forward to it.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh, I'm sorry, melissa.

Bye.

Close your eyes, Birthday girl.

Are they closed? Yes, they are, carl.

Hurry, carl, hurry, Hurry, hurry.

Okay. Open 'em.

Ta-da!

You bought me An exercise trampoline?

Yes.

This baby will take off The pounds in no time.

Don't you love it?

For my birthday You bought me An exercise trampoline?

Yes.

And that's not all.

Da da-da-da da-da-dah!

"Lose weight, feel great

At chicago's premier Health spa, hip whippers."

And that is a full year Membership, babe.

You may kiss me, now.

Why don't I just skip the kiss And kick you in your pants?

Ha?

You think I'm fat. No, no.

Harriette, you said You were fat.

You've been sayin it for weeks.

And you agree with me.

No, no.

Harriette, It's the thought That counts.

And you think I'm fat.

No, no.

Carl winslow,

This is the most Insensitive, unromantic gift

I have Ever received.

But--

Hey. But--

Well, thank god I didn't give her The thighmaster.

Eddie. Eddie.

Look what we got.

Yeah. Check it out.

Wow! Kris kross posters.

Look. They autographed it.

How'd you guys Get those?

We went to their hotel, The ritz-cracker.

The ritz-carlton.

We hung with them, Had burgers with them, And look--

Kris wiped his mouth With this napkin. Aah!

That's unbelievable.

They are The sweetest boys,

Well-mannered And oh, so talented.

Wait a minute, grandma.

You actually Know kris kross?

Of course.

They pulled me up onstage At their last concert.

That is amazing.

The greatest things Happen to you.

Things don't happen To me, honey.

I make them happen.

Hey, laura.

Hello, slimeball.

Why aren't You out walking

Our nonexistent, Soon-to-be-neutered dog?

Been talking To melissa, huh?

Yeah. She really liked you, Eddie. Why did you dump her?

Well, butt out, laura. I mean, it's a guy thing.

Uh-oh. Here comes Something stupid And shallow.

It is not Stupid and shallow.

I can't take Melissa to the dance

Because she's Not pretty enough.

That's neither Stupid nor shallow.

You must have been Switched at birth.

Come on, laura, It's like the guys said.

I got to Protect my image.

Ah, the guys.

Would this be The esteemed waldo

And the revered weasel?

Yeah.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You hurt A really nice girl

Just because you Didn't have the guts

To stand up To your friends.

Harriette.

We need to talk.

Okay.

Look...

I want you to know That I finally realized

How stupid I was.

I did a very Insensitive thing,

And I promise you it Will never happen again.

Just one question, hon.

What?

What'd I do?

Carl, I was Feeling real insecure About my weight.

And then when you Bought that trampoline,

I thought you thought What I thought.

Harriette, I couldn't Possibly think what you think

Because I never have a clue What you're thinking.

Well...

I can't expect for you To read my mind.

I'm sorry, carl.

It's just that I've Picked up a few pounds,

And I'm mad At the world.

Well, I'm Sorry, too, babe.

I mean, you may Not believe this,

But there are times When I actually feel...

Portly.

Oh?

Yeah, but I don't Worry about it.

See, because I know That you think that I Am incredibly handsome.

Yo, harriette. Jump In here any time, babe.

You see, carl?

For a second there When I didn't answer,

Didn't you feel A little bit insecure?

Well, yeah, I guess I did.

Well, see? That's my point.

The bottom line is If I feel fat, I'm fat.

Well, the bottom Line for me

Is that No matter how you feel,

You'll always Be beautiful to me.

Here, sweetheart. What's this?

It's the present I should have bought You in the first place.

The present That expresses How I truly feel,

That you...

Are the most wonderful,

The most beautiful Person in my life.

Oh, carl.

Carl, it's lovely.

Not as lovely As you, dear.

Happy birthday.

Oh, carl.

[music playing]

Hi, waldo.

What's up?

Hey, sweet thing.

Lookin' good, ba-bee.

Weasel, go take a nap On the railroad tracks.

Oh, I like 'em Sassy, too.

You got a choice--

You can walk away Or be carried away.

Later, baby.

What's maxine Doing with ted?

I thought You liked him.

I do, but things Got all mixed up.

Well, check it out. What's melissa doing with urkel?

Tonight's just One big crazy mix-up.

You're telling me. I'm here for gym class.

Then why aren't you Wearing your gym clothes?

I have a note from my doctor.

You look great, ted.

She does, doesn't she?

No, I said you Look great, ted.

Oh, thanks. Is she Wearing a new dress?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, I'm sorry, max.

You look fabulous. You look great.

All the guys Are staring at you.

And you're Staring at laura.

Come on.

Listen, you wanted to go With ted to the dance.

And ted wanted to go With you to the dance.

So why don't you both Just...Dance?

Thanks, max, You're the best.

I know.

Thanks for coming To the dance With me, steve.

Oh, pish-tosh, We're friends, mel.

Besides, it's Comforting to know

That you respect My feelings

For the lovely Laura winslow.

Yes, I do, steve.

So when I take You home tonight,

I'd appreciate it If you didn't try

To take advantage Of me physically.

I'll try To control myself.

Hey, guys.

Eduardo.

What's up?

Yo, winslow, You're just in time.

Look what The nerd dragged in.

Cute couple, huh?

A boy and his dog.

You got a lot of nerve

You played-out, Cold-hearted, bowlegged,

Banana-brained, Gum-slapping, Trash-talking pig.

You talking to me? Yes!

Just checking, go ahead.

Weasel, You are the last person

That should be giving me Advice about girls.

'cause, buddy, Check this out, you're alone.

Just temporarily.

Listen, melissa may Not be a cover girl,

But you know what?

I find her Very attractive.

Let me tell you Something, weasel.

If all you Look for is the float With miss america on it,

The whole parade Is going to pass you by.

What was that for?

I'm missing The parade.

Surprisingly,

That kind of fungus Won't grow on bacon.

E-e-excuse me, Steve, uh,

Can I talk To melissa a second?

Oh, certainly, eddo.

I'll be right back, Tres quick Avec punch.

Ahem.

Um, melissa, I lied.

I don't have a dog, and...

The truth is I backed out of our date.

I figured that.

Look, eddie, I know I'm not

The type of girl You usually date--

You're right.

You're not.

You're funny, You're smart,

And I really Enjoy being with you.

I'm really sorry, Melissa.

Do you want to dance?

I'd love to.

Well, max, it looks like It's just you and me.

Care to cop a swirl?

Sure.

Steve, is it alright

If I pretend That you're ted?

Why not?

I'm pretending That you're laura.