Original subtitles

Ahh.

Behold!

The awesome,

The incredible...

Annihilator!

Oh. Just call Me steve.

Hee hee!

Snort snort.

Oh, boss ball, Big guy.

Can I hold it?

Will you be careful with it?

Oh, absolutely.

[grunting]

Oh. Oh.

Whoa, nellie!

Why, this baby Weighs a ton!

Just give it to me.

You know...

I've often Imagined myself

On the pro Bowlers tour.

Yeah, Traveling from

One midwestern town To another,

Hanging out with Guys named...

Merle.

Steve, give me my ball.

It's the Championship match.

I've just interviewed With chris schenkel,

And now it's just me And earl anthony,

Mano-a-mano.

Steve.

I step to the line.

I take aim...

I make my approach.

1...

2...

3!

Yes?

Yes what?

Yes, you did that.

You always do that.

* it's a rare condition *

* this day and age *

* to read any good news *

* on the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition *

* of the grand design *

* some people say *

* is even harder to find *

* well, then there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see *

* is a tower of dreams *

* real love bursting Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Your turn, judy.

Not so fast. Boardwalk's mine.

Pay up.

Oh! You're right.

And according To this card,

I owe you...

A buck.

I've got a funny feeling

I'd have A lot more money

If I could read.

Hey, ma. Hi.

Hi, aunt harriette. Want to play?

No, thank you, Sweetie.

Judy, didn't I ask you To straighten up in here?

Yeah.

Well?

You meant today?

Laura, did you Take the chicken Out the freezer?

Oh, I sure did, mom.

About five minutes ago.

By the way, mom, I'm going to a party tonight.

I'm supposed To bring brownies.

You think You could whip some up?

Whip some up?

Well, not a lot. Just a few dozen.

Laura, I have worked Overtime every night this week.

Do you know what I am?

Rich?

No, I'm tired!

I've asked everyone To help out!

Honey, would you Iron this shirt for me?

I'd do it myself but, uh,

You always make them So fresh and crispy.

Carl, I really don't have time. I can't--

Hey, mom! Where's dinner?

Edward, I have been home Less than five minutes.

Can't I at least have time to Breathe?

Sure, but can You breathe

While you're Making dinner?

That's it.

I work 6o hours a week,

But that's not enough, right?

I apparently also Have to cook chickens,

Iron crispy shirts,

And bake brownies For the world.

Harriette's right.

Now come on, everyone

We've all got To help out around here.

We should all pitch in.

Listen, you go Upstairs and have

Yourself a nice, Relaxing bubble bath.

And when you come back Down, I promise you

There will be A piping hot meal

Waiting on The table for you.

Thank you, sweetie. That's a lot of work. I appreciate it.

Hey, it's no problem.

Hello, pizza city?

The logarithm, Also called log,

Is the exponent Indicating the power

To which a fixed number, The base,

Must be raised to produce A given number.

Oh, perk up. This is riveting.

Very nice, vivian.

Thank you, steven.

Now, does anybody Have any questions?

What do you call the hanging Thing in the back Of your throat?

Waldo, what does that have to do With trigonometry?

I was just wondering. If you don't know the answer, Just say so.

It's called the uvula.

Can we get back to math?

I realize logarithms Can be difficult,

So, perhaps...

A visual aid might help Stimulate your interest.

Yeah! Ooh!

Ha ha!

I knew it!

Uh, vivian--

Just a moment, steven.

I want you all to take A close look

At the logs On this chart.

Now, don't just Memorize them.

Work with them.

Play with them, See how much fun they can be.

Vivian--

Now, now, now, I realize that

Some of you might be Intimidated by these logs.

Well, don't be.

Once you understand them,

You'll wonder how you Ever lived without them.

What is so funny?

Vivian, Look at the chart!

There's a girl With enormous boom-booms.

I am not amused.

No one is leaving This classroom

Until the individual Responsible comes forward.

[bell rings]

This lack of respect For math

Really frosts My behind.

Hey, eddie.

Don't forget your poster.

Eddie?

Perhaps you could stay For a moment.

Thanks a lot, waldo!

No prob, bob.

Eddie, eddie, eddie.

I-I'm sorry, Miss connors.

I thought putting This poster up would be funny,

But instead it's turned out To be tasteless and rude.

That's right. Well, live and learn.

Can I go now? Yes.

Straight to Principal shimata's office.

Oh, no! Miss connors, Principal shimata nailed me

For writing my phone number Down in the girls' bathroom.

He said one more stunt, I'm off the basketball team!

Well, you should've Thought about that

Before you tacked up The...Boom-booms.

Yes, ma'am.

Eddie, you are A bright young man.

Why are you Behaving this way?

I don't know. I guess I...

I just--

Well, I don't Know. I mean...

Well, I don't want To lay my problems on you.

Problems?

What problems?

Oh, just stuff... At home.

But I don't want To get into it.

It--it's painful.

Eddie, talk to me. What's going on at home?

Well, miss connors,

Oprah uses the phrase Dysfunctional family.

But hey, the bottom line Is, is that I screwed up,

And now it's time To pay the piper.

Well, eddie, if you need Someone to confide in...

No, no, I don't want to Air our dirty laundry.

I'll just go down to Principal shimata's office

And let him take Away the one thing

I have left That brings me joy.

Well, eddie, Eddie, wait.

Maybe in light of Your stress at home

We could let this go. Really?

Yes, but no more hijinks In my classroom.

Oh, yes, ma'am! Thank you, ma'am.

Ah. Dopey moi.

I forgot my Mr. Calculator.

Don't be glum, vivian.

Very few share Our passion for trig.

No, it's not that, Steven.

I'm worried About a student.

He says he has problems at home But he won't talk about it.

Ah, another lonely Teenaged mariner

Navigating His fragile kayak

Through the stormy Sea of life.

Yeah, something Like that.

Well, knowing you As I do, vivian

I'm sure you'll take The active approach.

Active approach?

Well, this poor teenager, Whoever he may be,

Is obviously Crying out for help.

But I don't really Know what's wrong.

Well, find out. Investigate.

You really Think I should?

Oh, absolutely!

Reach out And touch that student.

And tell 'em Steven q. Urkel sent you.

Mom, can you help me With my science project?

Forgot to tell you I need a Costume for the school play.

Honey, have you seen My black socks

You know the comfy ones With the blue stripe?

Hold it. I thought everyone Was gonna pitch in around here.

I'm helping, Aunt harriette.

Richie...

Look at you!

What are you doing?

I'm making a cake For dinner.

Oh, gosh.

Mom, what about My science project?

Judy, she doesn't Have time.

My costume's going To take all night.

Harriette, where are the black Socks? Have you seen them?

Hey, mom, Where's dinner?

[talking at once]

Alright, alright That's it!

I've asked you again and again To help out around here,

And you've ignored me. Well, from this moment on,

You'll see what it's like Having to fend for yourselves!

Because harriette winslow Is on strike!

Move out of my way!

Yo, dad. Is that legal?

Mom, this place Is really getting gross.

Then clean it up.

I'm still on strike.

I can't pitch in Right now.

I promised grandma I'd help her.

For what?

Tonight's that charity Bachelor auction.

Oh, lord. Remember last year

When she bought that date with That retired underwear model.

Then she demanded Her money back

When she found out He modeled ladies Underwear.

Harriette!

Carl!

Harriette, I can't find My ripped jeans and my bandana.

I'll call the fbi, dear.

I need those things.

Tonight is my Undercover drug bust,

And I don't have A thing to wear.

Carl, where did you See 'em last?

Well, I put them in The hamper two whole days ago.

Carl, chase the rainbow.

Honey, check The clothes hamper.

Gee, didn't anybody Do laundry around here?

Not me. I'm still on strike.

Well, excuse me, Norma rae.

Look, carl--

No, you look.

Now, if you want to play

This strike game With the kiddies,

It's okey-dokey With me.

But now, you're messin' With the big kahuna.

And the big kahuna Wants some attention

From his little wahini.

And what would you like Your wahini to do?

Well, the hut's a mess.

So why don't you Just hula yourself

On into the laundry room

And wash the big kahuna's Wiki-wiki!

Either the big kahuna's Had too many mai-tais...

Or he's got his head Up his volcano.

Because there is no way This little wahini

Is going anywhere Near your wiki-wiki.

Oh come on, harriette, I just want my pants.

Then, wash them yourself, dear.

You always do this! Every time The kids get your dander up

I have to suffer--

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it!

It's probably for me, You don't have any friends.

Hello.

Are your Parents home?

Beats me.

Are you here To clean?

Um, no.

Well, I'd love to chat, But I have to go make dinner.

You're making dinner?

Yep! We're having Hot fudge sundaes!

Thank god. I'm sick of candy bars.

Ooh, grandma, You look beautiful.

Oh, thanks, honey.

I hope 2oo bucks Is enough

To buy a decent man.

You just be patient and don't Buy the first guy that you see.

It's a recession, Sugar.

I might be able To buy two!

Carl, you look fine.

No, I don't.

You know I like To wear my ripped jeans

When I go out To buy drugs.

Hey! Who are you?

I'm vivian connors...

Your son's math teacher.

It is no wonder He is acting up in class.

How can he live In this mad house?

Excuse me?

What are you Talking about?

Eddie said there were Problems at home,

But this is appalling.

Thank god the boy is just Pulling harmless pranks.

With this kind of home life we Are lucky he is not blowing up Federal buildings!

Miss connors?

Oh, eddie.

You poor child.

Come here. You need a hug.

Steven, I wanna thank you For urging me to get involved.

This young man would've been Better off raised by wolves.

You mean, that student With troubles at home

Is eddie winslow?

That's right.

Oh, boy.

And I would never Have come here

If you hadn't urged me To get involved.

Oh, boy.

Come here, steve!

Now, eddo,

You have enough troubles On your hand.

No sense adding manslaughter To that list.

Will somebody please Tell us what's going on?

I will.

Your son has been Acting up in class,

And he confided that he is Having problems at home.

Miss connors, I assure you

That our son, Edward winslow,

Is not having Problems at home...

Uh-uh.

Yet.

Edward, go wait in The kitchen for me...Now!

Yes, sir.

Harriette, would you please Explain to miss connors here

That we are A loving family?

I'll try.

Good. While you're doing that,

I'll be in the kitchen Killing our son.

Hi, dad.

Knock it off.

Yes, sir.

You know, edward,

I just don't get it.

You appear To be quite normal.

You have All five senses,

You walk erect,

But yet you often act

Like a bonehead!

Edward, your mother is out there Trying to explain things

To one very traumatized Math teacher.

Dad, let's just face it

Miss connors just picked A bad day to visit.

And I picked a bad Time to say that.

Edward, let me Get this straight.

Now you pulled a stupid stunt In class and got caught.

But instead of taking Your lumps like a man,

You instead try to make your Poor teacher feel sorry for you.

You lied about us just To save your scrawny neck.

Well, yeah.

I was in big trouble, And I panicked.

Edward, whenever I talk about you,

I tell people that my son Has a straight "A" average.

He's witty, He's clever,

And man, he's even Better-looking than Denzel washington.

Heh heh.

See, when I lie, I lie up.

I am very, very proud Of my family.

I put them on pedestals Because, son,

That's where I think That they deserve to be.

You're right, dad.

I'm sorry.

You know, son, I'm a cop.

And every day I see families Out there who really do have Problems.

That tragedy is nothing To make light of.

I know, dad. And, and, I'm lucky To have a happy home.

Well, I am really glad To hear you say that,

Because you're going To spending a lot of time

In your happy home.

Ouch.

So, how's it going Out there?

Well, I explained Why the house

Is under 3 feet Of trash.

And I think she understands Why you were going out

To score drugs,

But she's having real trouble With your mother buying men.

Alright, listen up.

From now on, I expect Each and everyone of you

To pitch in and help your mom Out around the house.

Is that understood?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, be happy about it!

Yes, sir! Yes!

Well, thank you, Everybody.

Okay, the strike is over.

Let's clean up This house.

No, no, sweetheart.

Since I set The bad example,

I'm going to set The good example.

I want you to take The family out to dinner.

And when you get back, This house is gonna be Squeaky clean.

Let's go to Bubba's barbecue!

No, I want to go to Mighty weenie!

No, let's go to Burger palace.

The waiters Have nice buns.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Winslow, we're from Squeaky cleaning.

Hey, right on time. It's all yours.

Jeez, frank, we're gonna have to Call for backup.