Original subtitles

Ladies.

Well...

That was a fun date.

It wasn't a date.

I went To the movie alone,

And you sat down next to me Right after it started.

Aha. But this time

You didn't dump Your soda all over me.

I'm wearing you down, Baby.

I'm wearing you down!

Hey, baby, uh... Let's get comfortable.

Hey, baby, uh...

Let's get comfortable.

What are you doing?

Making a move, Sweetheart.

Feel free To make one back.

Okay.

Ow!

Steve urkel,

You're the most Annoying human being

I have ever met!

You heard her!

You're witnesses!

She used the phrase Human being.

She's mine!

* it's a rare condition In this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

[doorbell rings]

Don't lose that thought.

Hey!

Waldo.

What's up?

Uh, uh, Vonda's here.

Oh, cool.

Hey, vonda. Hello, waldo.

What's up?

Waldo...

What's up?

Uh, uh, waldo, uh...

I--I--I'm kind Of busy right now.

Ohh...

Ah.

No prob, bob.

Yeah. Alright.

Uh, uh, waldo.

What's up?

Yo, man, check out My lady vonda over there.

Look at those sweet lips.

They're just begging To be kissed.

You got it, bro.

Ohh!

Why did you do that?

Eddie told me to.

Uh, uh...

Oh, eddie! You are disgusting!

Vonda, wait, baby!

Baby, c-- Vonda, listen.

Let me--

Waldo, you just kissed My girlfriend!

Yep. Now you got some Tough lips to follow.

I didn't want you To kiss her for me!

I wanted you to leave so that I could kiss her, you idiot!

Oh.

Now do you understand?

Yeah, I understand.

I understand Something else, too.

What?

My best friend Thinks I'm an idiot.

Toss me another one, Uncle carl.

This baby's history.

Which flavor this time?

Root beer.

You know, rich I appreciate you eating these Popsicles before they melt.

Hey, it's a tough job but Somebody's gotta do it.

Ah! Okay.

Uh.

Needs a little bit More oomph.

More oomph.

Hey, carl, did you Fix the icemaker yet?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

Better call The repairman.

What for?

Carl, fixing things Is a talent,

A talent You don't have.

Well, now, I fixed the dryer,

And it works just fine.

Yes, and then It exploded.

Your mother was beaned By the lint trap.

Well, she was only out For a few minutes.

Let's see.

"Refrigerator repair."

Excuse me.

Would it kill you just to give Me a little support,

A teeny tiny vote Of confidence? Huh, would it?

Carl-- But, no!

You make snide remarks About explosions.

You dredge up the ancient Lint trap incident.

Well, you know what, Harriette?

There should be a country Called nay sayer,

And you would be queen Of the nay sayers.

Carl--

Well, I am the king Of this household, queenie.

And the king says

That there will Be no repairman

Because the king has Fixed the fridge himself!

Nice work, O mighty king!

Well, let's see. "Refrigerator repair..."

Vonda, baby. Baby, I--

Vonda, I swear. I will never be rude To you again.

Steve!

You can Sweet-talk the hottie Some other time.

Right now we've got An emergency on our hands.

Now, come on.

What are you talking About?

I just got a call From fort magee.

Waldo's there.

Fort magee? Why would Waldo be at fort magee?

Waldo joined the army.

What?

We got to go Talk him out of this.

Why would waldo do Such an idiotic thing?

It was your insensitive Use of the word idiot

That caused this whole mess.

Waldo joined the army Because I called him an idiot?

Hey, strong emotions And a weak mind

Can make a dangerous Combination.

Look at Yosemite sam.

"Dear, mom, I'm in the army now.

I'm not behind a plough.

I'll never get rich By diggin' a ditch.

I'm in the army now.

Psst. Waldo.

Steve, eddie, Were you guys drafted?

No, man. We snuck On the base. We--

Hey! Are you ladies Having a little trouble Finding the door?

Ten-hut!

Alright!

Who are you two?

Private urkel. And private winslow.

Reporting for duty, Sir!

Ohh!

Uh!

Ohh!

Oh! Grenade!

Aah!

Hit the deck!

Did I do that?

What are you pathetic Piles of pasture patties

Doing in my platoon?

Excellent use of Alliteration, sir.

I don't believe I've Had the pleasure--

Sergeant robert shishka!

Hey, your name Backwards is shish kebab.

Shut up!

Yes, sir! Shutting up, sir!

I'm not a sir! You're not, sir?

No, sir. I'm a sergeant.

You will address me As sergeant shishka!

Certainly.

Certainly what?

Certainly, sir.

Not sir! Sergeant!

Yes, sir, sergeant Shishka, sir.

Just...Call me sarge.

No prob, bob.

Urkel...

Winslow, you are Not on my list

Of new recruits.

Oh, well--

You mean The army screwed up Our paperwork again?

Gosh! I'll bet that's never Happened before.

Don't insult my army.

I love my army!

I'll take this up later With the lieutenant.

Sarge, do you think Private eddo and I

Can have A private moment

With private waldo Privately?

Well...

No!

Uh, you see, sarge, He's our friend, and--

You have no friends!

The army Is your friend!

Fall in!

Fall in what?

Form a line!

My friend the army Isn't talking very nice to me.

Atten-hut!

Eyes ahead!

What are you looking at?

Suck in that gut.

Square those shoulders.

Chin up!

Now, stay that way.

Welcome to basic training, Maggots.

During the next Six weeks--

[exhales]

During the next Six weeks--

[exhales]

During the next Six weeks--

[exhales] Stop that!

Well, I have To breathe!

Excuse me For being a mammal!

At ease.

During the next Six weeks...

It will be my job

To turn you ignorant, ugly, Inbred jackasses

Into soldiers In this united states army.

Tsk tsk tsk.

What?

Why all this gratuitous Name-calling?

You know, you'll catch Far more flies with honey

Than you will With insults.

Shut up!

You probably don't have Too many friends, do you?

I said shut up!

You know, Sudden unreasonable Displays of anger

Are occasionally caused By an impacted bowel.

I believe--

That does it, Mister!

Give me 50 push-ups.

Without stretching first?

Hit the floor!

1!

Ooh.

2!

3!

Alright!

Whoo-hoo! Wedgie!

Alright, men.

You're going to take A 20-mile field hike

With full field packs.

Aw, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't thank me.

Thank private ur...Kel.

You see, men, an infantry unit Is only as strong

As its weakest soldier,

And this soldier

Is the weakest man In america.

Oh, yeah? He hasn't met my dad.

Atten-hut!

Right...Face!

Oh, my right. Okay.

About...Face!

Ooh! All the way Around. Okay.

Forward...March!

Can we have a view Over here?

Okay. Left! Left!

Left, right, left.

Your left.

Your left.

How's it going?

I'm all done, little lady.

Your ice maker motor was shot, I replaced it.

Oh, okay.

It's a nice place You got here.

Thank you.

How much You pay for it?

I really don't think That's any of your business.

Took a bath on it, huh?

How much do I owe you?

$285.

What? For a little motor thing?

Oh, I'll wait, dearie. You want To get on the horn there

And call Your little hubby.

Why would I do that?

Well, he controls The buckaroonies, right?

I mean, you need him To authorize the repair.

My hubby doesn't control The buckaroonies.

We share the buckaroonies. You got that?

Yeah. Okey-dokey. Sure.

Furthermore,

I'm authorizing This repair myself.

Understand?

Okey-dokey. Sure.

I'm also authorizing you To pull up those pants.

This is an old house, And we got enough cracks in it.

Relax, men.

Relax...

[gasping]

Uhh!

Uhh!

Steve!

Huh?

Eddo.

Help! Do me a favor.

What?

Shoot me.

Leave him alone, winslow!

Why don't you Lay off, sarge?

Sure, Steve is annoying.

Sure, he's a pain In the butt,

Sure, he gets on your nerves.

But the Bottom line is...

He's that way To everybody.

Quite a tribute, eddo.

Winslow, misery Loves company,

So you and faldo stay here With your buddy urkel

While the rest of us Go for chow.

And while we're gone,

You three will scrub This entire floor.

Where are the mops?

Right here.

Alright, men. Fall out! It's chow time!

Double time, now! It's wednesday.

That means powdered fish.

Ohh!

I've never been more tired In my entire life.

Ohh!

Ohhhh!

Ohh!

Why'd you guys Come here anyway?

To stop you from making A big mistake.

Yo, waldo... The only reason You joined the army

Is because...Because I hurt your feelings.

That's not The only reason...

But you shouldn't have Called me an idiot.

Yeah, I know.

You're supposed To be my friend.

My best friend.

When you called me that,

I never felt so bad In my whole life.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, I admire you.

I respect you,

And I've always Looked up to you.

So when you called me An idiot, it hurt me...Here.

No, waldo, You're not an idiot.

An idiot's a guy Who loses his temper

And hurts his Best friend's feelings.

Waldo, uh...

I'm really sorry, Man.

Will you be my Best friend again?

Cool.

Mission accomplished, Steve!

[snoring]

Steve? Steve!

Huh? Yes, sir, Sergeant shishka, sir!

Oh, let's Go home, guys.

Wait a minute.

Getting waldo Out of the army

Is easier said than done.

Well, let's just talk To the sarge.

Oh, good idea. Yeah.

He seems to be a caring And compassionate individual.

Well, maybe if we explain The situation, and beg real hard

He'll rip up waldo's Enlistment papers.

Papers?

Yeah, waldo...

You signed Enlistment papers, right?

No. I just saw A long line

And stood At the end of it.

Listen up, maggots.

Prepare for drill.

Atten-hut!

Forward. Arms!

Right shoulder! Arms!

Forward! Arms!

Left shoulder! Arms!

Forward! Arms!

Right order! Arms!

[machine gun fire]