Original subtitles

You know, I hate to say this,

But I'm going to Whup you ladies bad.

Hearts is a game Of strategy and skill,

Qualities that I happen To be blessed with.

-wanna play for money? -no.

[steve] Ahoy, winslows!

[imitates bosun's pipes]

Steven q. Urkel Requesting permission To come aboard.

Hidy-hidy-ho!

Well, what's The haps, paps?

We're busy having A relaxing game Of hearts, steve.

You can't be Too relaxed.

You have A queen of spades.

Oops. Oh... Oops, I'm sorry.

I probably shouldn't Have said that.

Ow!

What's wrong, Steve?

Lately I've been Having a little pain In my tum-tum.

Maybe your shorts Are pulled up too high.

No, they're where They always are--

Tucked right up Under my armpits.

So, babycakes, Care to trip The light fantastic

With me at the School sock hop?

No, thanks.

Jumping jehoshaphat, Woman!

I've asked you out Over 900 times,

And you've said no Every time.

It's important To be consistent.

Angel eyes, Even an urkel

Can only take So much rejection.

Why, if you Turn me down again...

I will surely die.

So, sock hop?

No, steve.

Ow!

Steve, Stop faking it.

I'm not faking, Love muffin, I'm hurting here!

Oh...Ow!

Ow.

Ow!

Steve, Are you okay?

Ow...Ow, ow, oh.

Ohh...

Ow! Ohh...

Come on, steve, Stop fooling around.

Yeah, steve, we mean it. Get up!

Steve? Steve!

Steve!

Harriette, Call an ambulance!

No! Oh, no!

Put his head On this pillow.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Ah.

Ohh!

Ohh.

Ah.

Ehh.

Ohh...

Huh...

Winslows...

You're here.

Of course, Steve. Of course.

Oh, you love me. You really love me!

I don't know. I don't know.

You just missed My mom and dad.

Did they go To the cafeteria?

No. They didn't Want to miss

Their first "Couples Without children" meeting.

Here, I thought these Would cheer you up.

Where did you get This beautiful bouquet Of flowers?

The room next door. The guy just croaked.

Uncle steve, I got you A magazine.

Astronomy today. Oh, thanks, ritchie.

You're outta this world, Little buddy.

It was my idea.

Yeah, but I figured out The dumpster.

Yeah, but I held your feet.

That's enough, you two.

Hello, everybody. I'm dr. Skiles.

What's up? Hi, doctor.

"Mario funziano."

Didn't he just croak?

Yeah. Now his flowers Are cheering me up.

Give it to me Straight, doc.

I'm a man. I can take it.

You got Appendicitis.

[gasps]

Steve, you better Get some rest.

I'm going to take That appendix out.

Oh, I see.

It's a standard Procedure.

I don't foresee Any problems at all.

Well, thanks, doc.

I have every Confidence in you And your abilities.

Don't worry.

You'll be back Bugging us In no time.

One can only hope.

Now if you'll Excuse me, loved ones.

I'd like to speak To laura alone.

Now, I know you're all Reluctant to leave--

Don't worry About it. Bye.

What's on Your mind, steve?

Laura, I've loved you

Ever since I first Laid eyes on you.

Uh, I have A tennis court Reserved.

Honeybunch, I may not make it

Through This medical ordeal.

Would you please Give me something To remember you by?

Like what?

Marry me! No.

No. We get engaged.

No. We go steady. A date.

On the hand? A kiss.

Forehead. On the lips.

Deal.

Oh, thank you, laura.

You're welcome, Steve.

Laura?

Yes?

You're leaning On my appendix.

Ooh...Ahh!

[snoring]

Steve?

Oh, laura!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Ptooie, ptooie, Ptooie, ptooie,

Ptooie, ptooie,

Ptooie, ptooie.

Ptooie.

Oh, boy.

Laura, how did Everything go?

Great. Your kidney came out Clean as a whistle.

Kidney?

Oh, you were Funnin' me.

Ooh.

We better get going.

It's late, And you need rest.

Oh, you guys Are so, so good!

And I love you Both so, so Darn, darn much!

Steve.

And that's not just The demerol talking.

That's straight From the old ticker.

Uh, steve, Get some rest now.

Well, I don't think I can.

[snoring]

Hey, dad, Why are you so happy?

The doctor said

That steve Can't come home For three days.

That's 72 hours!

Three days urkel-free!

They'll be The three happiest days Of my life!

Oh, charlene, What's going on?

You've got A roommate.

A man got shot In the rear end.

Oh, lordy, a bullet In the butt.

Ohh...

Ohh...

Ohh.

Big guy?

Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

Oh, no!

Hi, carl!

How you doing, Big guy?

Nurse, aren't there Any other rooms Available?

I'm afraid not.

I--I am not a rich man,

But I'll pay anything.

It's not a question of money.

Wait a minute. What about The new east wing?

It hasn't been built yet.

I'll wait.

Listen to him.

If I didn't know Him any better,

I'd think he didn't Want to be here With me.

Let's get him Into the bed.

Okay, on 3.

1...2...3.

Ouch! Ooh!

Okay, plan "B."

Slide him off With the sheet.

1...2...3.

Officer, we're going To have to roll you Onto the bed.

Oh, alright, alright. Just hurry up!

Ready?

Alright, Easy, easy.

Ooh, ooh, ow, oh!

Stand back!

Just stay away. I can do this myself!

I'm a wounded man!

This isn't A log rolling contest!

Oh.

Ooh. Oh.

Ohh! Oh...Oh...Oh.

Oh--ow! Oh. Ah.

Your doctor Will be in To see you soon.

Thank you.

Use your call button If you need me.

Thank you.

You're very nice. Thank you.

So, carl, tell me What happened.

Did you sit On your gun again?

No, I didn't.

I surprised Some slimeballs

Trying to break into A jewelry store.

Did they get away?

One of them did.

But I tackled The other one

And held him down With my good cheek Until help arrived.

Carl? Carl!

Carl, I came As soon as I heard.

Harriette, I'm okay. Don't worry. I'm alright.

Oh, carl!

He'll be...Uh...

He'll be fine, rachel.

I'll see to it.

Why is your arm Around me?

You're emotionally Vulnerable right now,

So I thought I'd make a move on you.

You're lucky.

Oh, I am?

Yeah.

You won't have to go far For medical treatment.

Guess you're One of those chicks

That won't loosen up Without booze.

Hi, lieu.

Hey, nerd. What're you Doing here?

Well, I had my appendix Taken out.

Did you use an anesthetic?

Well, of course.

Wuss.

Carl, You're not eating.

I got shot in the butt, Not in the head.

Fire it on over here, Big guy.

Look at my life.

I got this pain In the butt,

And I've got that pain In the butt.

How could it get Any worse?

[plays arpeggio]

Oh, of course. A concertina.

Now, let's see. What should I play?

Please don't do This to me.

I don't know that one.

I've got it. I'll play a medley

Dedicated to your Particular injury.

* moon river *

* wider than a mile *

* I'm crossing you In style *

* some day **

Very funny.

* blue moon *

* you saw me Standin' alone *

* without a dream In my heart *

* without a love Of my own **

Would you please...

* shine on *

* shine on, harvest moon *

* up in the sky *

* I ain't Had no lovin' *

* since january * Steve--

* february, June and ju-- **

Steve!

Yes?

No more moon songs.

Well, why not?

I need Peace and quiet.

I've had A major operation.

Yes, you did.

And you'd think you'd learn To turn the other cheek.

Ha ha ha--[snort]-- Oh--[snort]--oh!

Wait a sec.

I'll be right over with A sure fire cheer upper.

Ooh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, I made it.

I'm so glad.

Say hi to alfred.

Alfred?

What the heck is that?

My appendix.

Ooh...Ow.

What are you Trying to do?

I'm trying to lower the back, So I can sleep.

But I don't know Which button it is.

Let me try it. That's alright--

Let me try.

Now, let's see...

Which button--

Ah!

Oh!

Sorry, wrong button.

Thank you! Give me this.

Are you trying To kill me?

Of course not. How could you even ask?

You're not a very Patient patient.

Alright, that's it steve. I've had it with you.

Go back to your bed And shut up.

-what? -you heard me.

I have got To get some sleep.

That means no more Helping with my bed,

No more pickled Body parts,

And no more Musical tributes To my butt!

Well!

If that's the way You feel,

I'll just Leave you alone.

Well, good.

Come on, alfred.

Alfred.

Officer winslow?

Yeah.

I'm dr. Jenkins.

Where's mr... Funziano?

Dead.

And I bet the food Killed him.

Well, how do you feel?

To be perfectly honest, I've had better days.

You just need Some rest.

Would you like something To help you sleep?

A shot?

Well, yeah.

That's exactly What it is.

Whoa.

Hey, wait a minute. You're no doctor.

Very good.

Now, try and guess What this is.

What, is there A full moon tonight?

Shut up.

Say your prayers, winslow. You're history.

Wait. At least Tell me who you are

And why You're doing this.

You busted My brother ralphie.

Ralphie, ralphie.

Would that be ralphie the pimp,

Ralphie the loan shark,

Or ralphie the snitch?

The guy who shot you In the butt.

Oh, yes. Ralphie the robber.

Nice guy. Good shot. Great gun.

So you're The only witness.

I kill you, And ralphie walks.

Now, jenkins, you're Not thinking clearly.

You know, you must have One heck of a headache.

No, I don't.

Well, you do now.

Good work, steve.

Well, you know,

I've always been quick With a bedpan.

If I only had My handcuffs.

You don't Need them.

Steve, thanks for saving My husband's life.

Aw, shucks. It wasn't nothing.

The world wouldn't be the same Without the big ol' lug.

I appreciate What you did.

In my book, You're a hero.

Oh.

Your turn, sweetums.

Uh, steve, I kissed you Yesterday, remember?

Still weak In the knees, huh?

No, more In the stomach area.

See you in my dreams, Sweetums.

Carl...

I assure you That I won't Annoy you anymore.

You won't hear A peep from me

For the next two days.

Uh...Steve?

Yes?

Look, if you feel The urge to peep Once or twice,

It's okay.

I mean, You saved my life,

And I shouldn't Have snapped at you.

You were just trying To help me.

Don't worry About it, carl.

It's forgotten.

You know,

When--when you collapsed On my living room floor,

Well, I thought You were faking.

-but I wasn't. -no.

And then I found out

That you had to have An operation.

All I could think about Was three days Without you around.

Oh, my.

Then, when I got hurt,

You went out of your way To make me feel better.

True.

But did I appreciate it?

No, siree.

No. I yelled at you To leave me alone.

And then You saved my life.

Yes, indeedy.

What does that Tell ya?

I'm okay, And you need work.

You're right. But, hey,

You were offering me The greatest gift Of all,

And, up until now, I haven't accepted it.

What gift is that?

Your friendship.

And if you're still Offering it,

I'd like to accept.

Friends, big guy.

Friends.

Let's get some shut eye.

Good idea.

I'll get your light, Buddy.

Thanks, pal.

Oh!

Sorry! Wrong button.

Ow! Oh!

Well, see, this baby's Got a hair trigger.

Let me raise your head, Just a little.

No, don't!

Oh, sorry.

Ooh...

I'm sorry. I am Truly sorry, big guy.

No!

Not again!

You should really complain About this bed.