Original subtitles

How I missed you, My pet.

Hey, urkel. Wanna sign My petition?

Well, sure. What's it for?

To make the school mascot A bulldog.

But waldo, the school Already has a mascot.

It's a muskrat.

Not anymore. I forgot to feed it.

Well, looky, looky, looky, If it isn't my cookie.

Steve, What is that smell?

It's my new Swiss cologne.

It's called Eau de lay hee hoo.

What do You want, steve?

If you're not busy Tomorrow night,

Why don't we Rent a movie?

We'll turn down The lights

And engage in a little Lip wrestling.

I can't. I'm going out With ted curran.

Again?

But why?

He's good-looking, A varsity athlete,

And the most popular Guy in school.

Take that away, And what's left?

You.

* it's a rare condition *

* this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Honey, I have A little indigestion.

Did you do Something different To the pot roast?

Carl, it was meat loaf.

Now, there you go. That's different.

So long, you two.

Where you headed?

To the mall, Rachel's gonna help me pick

An outfit for my date with ted.

Oh lord! Oh lord!

What?

Rachel, my daughter is an Innocent young lady and I...

Really don't want her to... Dress like you.

Don't worry.

I'll be there to advice.

Oh lord! Oh lord!

Carl, I need your help.

What's up?

Eddie's done Something wrong,

And he's not Telling us.

How do you know?

He's been nice To me.

Well, let's just see What he's up to.

[shouts] Edward!

Kitchen, now!

We'll try Good cop/bad cop.

I'll be the bad cop.

Of course.

What is it, dad? Sit!

Wh-what did I do?

I don't know, honey,

But your dad Is in one of his moods.

Better tell the truth.

Okay.

What's the matter, dad?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

You sit there With your bare face Hanging out

And have The nerve to ask What's the matter?

Oh, carl, Take it easy.

He's just a kid.

A scared kid.

Candy?

No, thanks.

Come on, edward, Talk to me.

Um, there's nothing To talk about...

Hardly.

Hardly?

Hardly?

Well, there is A tiny, little thing

That happened in school.

Mm-hmm. You call What you did tiny?

Not really, sir. But I only Played hooky twice.

You hear this, Harriette?

Our son Played hooky.

Well, dad, We had a chance

To watch practice At soldier field.

The bears?

The cheerleaders.

Mm-hmm.

Well, what You did, son,

Is a very Serious offense.

Did you Take pictures?

Carl!

Edward, There is no excuse For your behavior.

Now go to your room.

We'll decide the Proper punishment.

Yes, sir.

How did you find out?

Let's just say Somebody you know Has a big mouth.

When I find out who, I'm going to kill them.

Morning, waldo. What's up?

Well, What are you doing?

I'm sick to death of All these posters.

Yeah. It is Rather unsightly.

Darn tootin'. That's why I'm Putting up these.

Slap up A couple hundred Of these babies,

And people Will get the point.

[bell rings]

Tell us what happened On your date with laura.

Nothing, Just a good time.

Yeah, right.

You've been out With the girl Four times now.

You've got to be Going back for something.

Come on, guys, chill.

Alex, I think He's holding out On us.

There's only One reason.

He's striking out. He's striking out.

I'm the ted man. I don't strike out.

So you're saying You scored, right?

Grow up.

He scored! He scored!

I knew it! I knew he scored!

Take it back!

What?

These bozos Think you scored With laura.

Well, news flash, Muchachos.

Laura winslow Is pure.

She's chaste.

She's ne'er Been sullied.

Get lost, urkel.

Not until You admit that Nothing happened.

Well, something Did happen.

You, sir, are lying.

The nerd boy Hit me!

Correction.

I hit you twice.

I don't believe this.

Oh? Maybe You'll believe This one.

How many Do you have?

I don't know. Let's see.

One...

Two...

Three...

Oh, that does it.

Four... Oh, that does it.

I've got Plenty left.

Locker.

Hey, unhand me, You stooge!

Lackeys, Henchmen! Flunkies!

Hey, hey, hey! Don't make me Hurt you!

Hey, hey, hey!

You take back What you said About laura,

Or I'll bust out Of this locker And hurt you!

[banging and pounding]

Ow! Ow.

[urkel] Hello?

Anybody out there?

[bell rings]

[steve] Hello?

Please! Somebody Help me!

Steve, is that you?

Laura? Laura? Oh, for god's sake, Get me out of here!

What's your combination?

34...

24...

34.

Hey! Those are My measurements!

I know.

Steve, how long Have you been in there?

I don't know...Ooh!

It's hard to keep Track of time

When you're Slipping in and out Of consciousness.

Oh!

Oh, sweetums, Could you help Unfold me?

Aah!

Ooh!

Aah!

Ahh!

Ohh!

Who put you in there?

Your boyfriend ted.

I'm sure he had A good reason. Bye.

Wait...Laura, I have some bad news,

And I'm not sure How to break it.

Well, just tell me.

Well, alright.

Ted told Some of his friends

That when he Went out with you,

He had A really good time.

Well, I had a really Good time, too.

No, no, no, You don't understand.

He said he had A really, really Good time.

Well, I had A really, really Good time, too.

Oh, for goodness sake, Laura!

He said he got lucky!

Did the old yum-yum Bouncy-bouncy.

The horizontal polka!

What?

You're lying.

No, ma'am!

I know your jealousy Has made you

Do some annoying Things before,

But this is Way past annoying.

This is cruel.

I heard him say it.

Stop it!

You've tried To be my boyfriend,

But if you're Going to tell Vicious lies,

You can't even Be my friend.

Laura, please...

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Yes, this is laura. Who's this?

Jason?

Jason sanders?

Aah!

It's jason sanders!

What's up, jason?

A movie Friday night?

And then some fun Afterwards?

What kind of fun?

What's wrong?

You listen to me.

You are A disgusting, Perverted lowlife.

And I hope that Whatever rock

You crawled out From under Falls on your head

And your brains Squish out Through your nose.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Sanders.

Could you please Give that message To your son?

Thanks. Have a nice day.

What did jason Say to you?

I can't repeat it, But it was filthy.

I was afraid This was going to happen.

What do you mean?

Laura, there's some Rumors going around School about you.

Rumors?

Well, actually, It's just one rumor,

But it's a doozy.

Wait a minute. Does this rumor

Have anything to do With me and ted?

Yeah.

Everybody says That you guys...

Did it.

What?

I was really upset.

Thanks, max.

You didn't Tell me first!

Max, it's a lie! It didn't happen.

I knew that.

Steve told me that Ted was bragging To his friends,

But I Didn't believe him.

Maybe this rumor Hasn't spread As much as I think.

Who told you, max?

The basketball team.

Walking really gets The heart pumping.

Hey, laura.

Laura, Are you crying?

No.

Rachel, I think it's Mother-daughter time.

I'll read richie A bedtime story.

Hope he doesn't Mind being Awakened.

Honey, what's The matter?

Nothing.

Everything's fine.

Except My life is over.

Come on. It can't Be that bad.

It is.

I just found out That the first guy

I ever really Cared about is a creep.

Ted?

What did he do?

He told His friends we did The horizontal polka.

Is that What I think it is?

Yeah.

I see.

Laura, did you Have sex with ted?

No.

Whew!

I mean, I thought About it...

But I'm just not Ready for that yet.

Good, laura.

Very good.

You did A good thing.

What am I Going to do, mom?

Rumors about me Are flying All over school.

Tomorrow your father And I will call Ted's parents.

That won't Do any good.

They'll just ask ted, And he'll deny it,

And the whole school Will go on thinking That I'm easy.

People that know you Won't believe That vicious lie.

Why not?

Truth is when I heard rumors About people, I believed them.

I sure feel different Now that the rumor's About me.

That's the problem With rumors.

They don't Have to be true.

People will Believe them When they're juicy.

Oh, mom, I just feel so...

Helpless.

Don't worry, honey.

We're going To fight back.

Fight back? That's right!

There's a solution To every problem.

That's The easy part.

What's the hard part?

Figuring out what The solution is.

Now remember You're the bad cop, Right?

You're getting On my nerves!

Oh, you're good.

[bell rings]

Yo, ted.

Yeah.

Hey, man! What's your problem?

You my problem!

And this Is your problem.

Hey, hey, eddo, eddo, Relax, eddo.

What did I do?

I don't know, teddy, But the e-man is In one of his moods.

Better tell the truth.

Okay, okay.

What's the matter, Eddie?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

You stand there With your bare face Hanging out,

And you have the nerve To ask what's the matter?

Now, now, Take it easy, eddo.

He's just a kid.

A scared kid.

Gum?

No, thanks.

Why is he so mad?

Well, he's irked.

Upset, perturbed.

About what?

I don't know, ted.

Could it be the rumors

That you and your Algae-sucking friends

Are spreading About my sister?

Hey, are you Going to let him Insult us like that?

Yeah.

Just asking. Go ahead.

Seems you Like to talk, ted.

So talk to me.

Tell me what happened On your date with laura.

Uh...

We went to the movies, Grabbed something To eat,

Then I took her home.

Oh, that's it?

You mean you didn't Score with her?

No, I didn't score.

Yes, you told us.

We were Standing here.

Shut up!

I never said I scored,

But I might have Let them think I did.

So the truth is

That nothing happened On your date with laura.

Right?

Nothing.

One kiss, and I Kept my eyes open!

Ted, you do realize

That according to The unofficial code Of big brothers,

I should expose you And your friends' Vital organs to daylight.

True.

But that code Is unofficial.

Don't hit him, Eddie.

Laura...

Ted, I really Liked you.

And I thought You liked me, too.

I do.

Then how could you Hurt me like this?

Just so you could Impress your friends?

I'm sorry, laura.

It's asking a lot,

But can we wipe The slate clean?

No way!

I don't know, ted.

She doesn't Know, ted.

I have to think About it.

She has to Think about it.

But it'll be hard To forgive

That you boosted your rep By ruining mine.

Oh, you're History, bub.

Steve, I'll handle This conversation Myself, okay?

She'll handle

This Conversation Herself, okay?

Laura, I feel Real bad about this.

I was trying to Impress these dorks.

You calling us dorks?

Yes!

Just asking. Go ahead.

Laura, I really Care about you,

And I'll find a way To make it up.

How did we do, Laura?

Mom and dad Would be real proud.

Thanks, eddie. You're a terrific Big brother.

And, steve?

Yes?

You tried to warn me, But I wouldn't listen.

Then you helped me Get out of this mess.

I appreciate What a good friend You are.

Want to get married?

Steve, I'm only 15 years old.

I've done A little research.

Some places, The minimum Marrying age is 14,

And on the island Of duclonia,

They don't Have a minimum age.

All you have to do Is own a pig.