Original subtitles

Carl, I called The precinct

And told them You wouldn't be in Today.

Oh, thank you, Baby gums.

Is there anything else You need?

No.

I'll just lie here

And let the germs Eat my body.

Look at it this way.

It'll be years Before you feel the loss.

That's right, Harriette.

Mock the sick.

Sorry, honey.

Drink lots of fluids And get plenty of rest.

Mmm...

Mmm.

Ahh.

Peace.

Good morning, sunshine!

Steve...

And how's our Congested cop today?

Hmm?

Why aren't you In school?

Because I'm needed here.

I called principal shimata

And asked him If I could skip a day.

Well, he was thrilled To grant my request!

Remind me To thank him.

Let's play a game.

I brought A bonanza of choices.

No, thanks.

I want to lie here And rest.

Monopoly?

No.

No. Clue?

No. Parcheesi?

Scrabble? Checkers? Chutes and ladders?

Yahtzee? Risk? Mr. Potato head?

No. No. No. No. No. No!

But, carl--

Go home!

Just give me--

Go home, go home, Go home, go home!

I don't have To take this.

I'm going home.

Sorry steve.

Sorry? I got That one right here.

* it's a rare condition *

* this day and age *

* to read any good news *

* on the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition *

* of the grand design *

* some people say *

* is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see *

* is the tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love *

* of the family **

Girl, I got to make A hair appointment.

Should I wear my hair up, Down, to the side?

Maybe I'll shave it off And start over.

Go for it.

Max, I've been nominated For homecoming queen.

Why aren't you excited?

Three reasons. 1--I wasn't nominated.

2--I wasn't nominated.

And 3--I wasn't nominated.

You weren't Nominated?

No!

So...

Who are you going To the dance with?

Arnold shephard.

One of his legs Is longer Than the other.

So?

So when we slow dance

We make small circles To the left!

I'm hoping ted curran Asks me.

Ted better Ask you soon.

Otherwise, You'll end up with Some frightening geek!

How's my little Homecoming queen?

I haven't won yet.

Oh, come on.

You can't lose.

With your smile, Your charm,

And that Bodacious bod...Ooh.

At least You can count On one vote.

I mean, two.

So, my luscious Little love bucket...

Wanna go to the homecoming Dance with me?

No, thanks.

Alright! Yes!

Ooh!

Why are you so happy? She turned you down.

Ah, yes, but with A simple "No, thanks."

Yesterday she said, "Drop dead, nerd boy."

I'm wearing You down, baby.

I'm wearing You dow-w-w-n.

What have you Always wanted But couldn't get?

My own housekeeper.

Besides that.

My own bathroom.

Besides that.

More closet space.

You're ruining this.

Piano lessons!

You always wanted Piano lessons!

Carl, we're stretching Every dollar.

Nobody in this family Can afford to learn anything.

Sweetheart, That's the beauty of it.

These lessons Are free.

How come?

I nabbed a purse Snatcher today,

And the lady Who owned the purse

Offered me Free piano lessons.

Could you keep The enthusiasm down

Just a little, Harriette?

I'm sorry, honey. You're right.

Besides, we've got This great piano,

And I've always wanted To learn how to play it.

Now you can.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Are you happy?

Yes, you have.

How happy?

You'll never know

Because I have To pick up the kids.

***

*** *** *** ***

Steve...No, steve, You can't come over now.

I'm studying.

No, I don't want to hear The rap song you wrote.

Steve--

Steve?

Hello?

[tune to Around the way girl]

*** *** ***

* I'm here to deliver A rappin' telegram *

* to miss laura winslow, My honey lamb *

* she's been asked to the dance By all the hunks in town *

* she just turns up her nose And turns them down *

* she could go with steve, It would really be hot *

* 'cause he would Jump for joy *

* and get his shorts In a knot *

* so he's askin' again, Bendin' on one knee *

* oh, laura, my pet, Won't you please go with me? **

* I told you no, So I'll be more graphic *

* go out that door and Go play in some traffic **

[cuts music off]

I've asked you To the dance 26 times.

You've shot me down 26 times.

I'm asking you One final time

Because I refuse To beg!

Will you go To the dance with me?

No.

Please, laura!

Oh, please. Please!

Steve.

No, laura!

If you Don't leave,

I'll drag you Into the backyard

And turn the Garden hose on you.

You know What that's like.

That won't Be necessary.

After all, I have my dignity.

Steve, saying no Because I don't Want to go with you

Is just one Of the reasons.

Oh?

I'm hoping Ted curran asks me.

Ted curran?

You mean the good looking, Popular jock with straight a's?

Yeah.

What do you see In that loser?

I like him, A lot.

What are you gonna do

If this curran character Doesn't ask you?

Then I won't go.

Laura, you have to.

You were nominated For homecoming queen.

If I can't go to The dance with ted

I won't go at all.

I refuse to settle For second best.

I understand.

That's the way I feel about you.

Okay men. Hit the showers.

Curran, a moment of Your time, please.

What is it, urkel?

This won't Take long.

I just want to know Who you're taking

To the Homecoming dance.

I haven't Asked anyone yet.

How do you feel About laura winslow?

How do I feel?

She's the prettiest Girl in this school.

I'd love to take her,

But I heard she turned Everyone down.

If you ask her, She won't turn you down.

Really? How do you know?

I just know, okay?

I'm sorry.

I occasionally suffer From irregularity.

This is great.

Great. I'll ask her today.

Excellent.

Urkel, why are You doing this?

Everybody knows You're crazy about laura.

Ironic, isn't it?

But laura wants To go with you,

And all I care about Is her happiness.

Wow! You're, like, Some kind of...

Nerd saint.

Sorry I can't stay For your piano lesson,

But the fuzz balls Couldn't do

Without Master blaster winslow.

[doorbell rings]

Good evening. Is harriette winslow here?

Who wants to know?

Oscar marmelzat.

I'm here to give harriette A piano lesson.

Oh, no, you're not.

A little old lady Is supposed to do that.

What have you done With her?

I'll be taking over My mother's lessons.

She caught a cold From some overweight cop.

I see.

Well, I'm carl winslow.

This is your student,

My wife harriette.

Hello, Mr. Marmelzat.

Call me oscar.

Oscar.

Let's begin.

Certainly. Ahem.

Let me get this For you.

Thank you.

Well, I'm off.

I said

I'm off.

Okay, bye, carl.

Goodbye.

Place your hands On the keyboard.

I'll put my hands On yours

To help you find The notes.

This is middle c.

Am I crowding you?

Oh, no. Not at all.

What is that Lovely fragrance?

Arpege, chanel?

Barbecued chicken...

With a splash Of tub 'n' tile cleaner.

Heh heh heh.

You have a wonderful Sense of humor.

That's rare In a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

Ahem.

I'm not going bowling.

You're not? How come?

I'm sick.

[cough cough]

Sneeze, sneeze.

I think I'm having a relapse

Of that overweight Cop virus.

That's too bad.

Oh, isn't it, though?

Continue your piano lesson.

I'll just sit Right here...

And listen Like a hawk.

Waldo? What's up?

Were you dancing With vicki And mary ann?

Yeah.

Well, which one Is your date?

They both are.

Why did you bring Two girls here?

I really like vicki, But mary ann has a car.

Waldo, that's A rotten thing to do.

Yeah, and it backfired.

Mary ann's car Is a two-seater,

So I had To take the bus.

Laura, why, you look

Heartbreakingly Beautiful tonight.

So, are you having A good time with ted?

This is the best night Of my entire life.

This is like A dream come true.

I'm sorry, steve.

Hey, it's okay.

I'm happy for you

In a heartsick, Gut-wrenching,

Near suicidal Sort of way.

Laura, would You like to dance?

Sure.

Laura?

Yeah?

I'm having A great time.

Me, too.

And to think I almost Didn't ask you.

I was hoping You would.

I had cold feet Until steve clued me in.

Steve?

He said if I asked you, You'd probably say yes.

But that makes No sense.

Steve is obsessed With me.

He freaks out When I even mention Another guy.

He said going To the dance with me

Would make you happy,

And that's all He really cares about.

Steve said that?

Steve urkel?

Yeah.

I don't believe it.

Only one lesson and already I Can play itsy bitsy spider.

Well, you're exceptional.

Thank you.

You know that I taught Piano for over-- Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Goodnight.

Goodnight, oscar. Thanks again.

You're welcome. If you ever need--

How 'bout a snack?

Carl winslow, Have you lost Your mind?

Harriette, One sandwich won't hurt.

I'm not talking About that.

I'm talking about Your rude, childish Behavior.

Oh! Oh, oh.

You mean with oscar "Busy fingers" Marmelzat?

"Busy fingers"?

Harriette, He was all over you,

Groping, pawing, And touching.

He was not.

Ho ho ho.

"Let me place My hands on yours

"To help you find The proper keys.

"What's that lovely Fragrance

That you're wearing?"

Give me a break.

Carl, every time

Somebody looks At me cross-eyed,

You go bananas.

You've got to stop Being so jealous.

That guy was making Moves on my wife.

Harriette, he was Trying to get you

Between the sheet music!

With you sitting here Watching?

Well, those musicians Are kinky.

I don't know, Harriette.

I...

You're a beautiful, Vibrant,

Terrific woman,

And, frankly, I'm scared.

Scared of what?

Well, that some guy

Who's younger And thinner

And more handsome

Is going to come along And steal you away.

Carl, that will Never happen.

It won't?

It's my choice Who I want to be with,

And I choose you.

Thanks, honey.

Hello.

[feedback]

Is this thing on?

Good!

Students, tonight our football Team was magnificent.

They ran, they passed, There was no stopping them.

But then the other Team showed up.

You know the rest.

Well, now.

It's time to announce Our homecoming queen.

Would the three nominees Haul their butts up here?

Melanie pearson...

Laura winslow...

And delcina tutweiler!

This year,

The vanderbilt Homecoming queen is...

Laura winslow!

Congratulations, Laura.

Keep it short.

Thank you, everybody.

Okay! That Was beautiful.

But now it's time For the queen's dance.

Who's the lucky Young man, laura?

This dance Goes to the one guy

Who's always treated me Like a queen.

Steve urkel.

[music to when a man Loves a woman]

* when a man Loves a woman *

* can't keep his mind On nothin' else *

* he'd trade the world *

* for the good thing He's found *

* if she is bad *

* he can't see it *

* she can do no wrong *

* turn his back On his best friend *

* if he put her down *

* when a man Loves a woman *

* he can do her no wrong *

* he could never love Some other girl *

* yes, when a man Loves a woman *

* I know exactly How he feels... **