Original subtitles

Laura, my little French dip.

Uh, steve, You're late for work.

I had to put The finishing touches On my latest invention.

What did you invent?

I'd like to Improve my efficiency As a waiter,

So I took My skateboard, and I--

Well, you'll see. It's demonstration time.

[motor starts]

Hey, ruby. Try our reuben.

Wow!

Wow!

Did I do that?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Okay, son.

Hand me those Wire cutters.

Okay, but what's The big rush?

We want to finish Installing this dish

In time for tonight's World bikini contest. Ahh?

Ahh! Ahh!

I love you, dad.

Ta-da!

Caught you, sweetums!

What do you want?

Well, Where is everybody?

Out.

Aha!

You...Me...

Lips...Smooch.

You...Me...

Fist...Hurt.

Oh, you kidder.

So what were you Doing up there,

Shaving the old pits?

I was not Shaving my pits.

Hey, that's fine by me.

I kind of go for The biker chick look.

Ugh!

Oh, what did I say?

Women.

Careful with those wires.

You don't want To get fried.

Son, relax.

I am no neophyte when It comes to electronics.

You see, These wires will Connect to this cord,

And this cord Is not plugged in.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

They must have gotten A new bug zapper.

Sounds like they zapped A big juicy one.

Steve. Steve.

Mom, I think I'm too young To do the laundry.

Rachel, where Did you get that?

Hey, it's not mine.

Then, whose is it?

Grandma? Hmm?

You brought this?

Of course, not.

It was a gift.

Hey, waldo.

How's carl coming With the new Satellite dish?

Almost done.

He wants me to shout up To him how the picture looks.

Mr. Winslow!

[carl] Yeah!

The picture Looks real dark!

Waldo, honey,

The tv's not on.

Aw, shoot! Then I came In here for nothing.

Waldo, wait, Wait, wait.

We'll turn on The tv for you.

Oh, cool.

[channels change]

Uh-oh.

The channel Keeps changing!

Waldo, I'm doing that.

For crying out loud.

Work with me, people.

That's a stupid boy.

[tv announcer] Chambers taking--

Look. We lucked out.

American gladiators Is on.

20 seconds to go.

Spencer's adopted A defensive position.

What's American gladiators?

It's a macho game show.

Two contestants Battle gladiators.

Whoever gets The most points, wins.

Yeah, I love this show.

It's nothing But half-naked men Flaunting their muscles.

Exactly.

I love this show.

[waldo] See that Gladiator there?

Sabre?

She knows Their names.

Sabre's my cousin.

You got a cousin On television?

He's not the only Successful faldo.

I have an uncle At harvard.

He teaches?

Nope. His head's In a glass jar.

How's it going, Rough riders in the sky?

Steve, be careful. This Isn't a dance floor,

And didn't I tell you To stay away?

Oh, now, Come on, carl.

That little electrocution Thing should be A dim memory by now.

Hey...

That cleared my sinuses.

Steve, we're Almost done up here.

Don't mess things up.

Well, look, I'll just Have a little look-see.

Let's see here.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Uh-oh!

What uh-oh?

Well, you used wood screws Instead of masonry screws.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

Wood screws Are good enough.

Sure. If the wind Never blows--

One good gust, And this baby's A lawn sculpture.

Steve, Get off this roof.

Carl, I think you're--

Get off this roof.

Get off this roof!

Get off this roof!

I'm not taking this.

I'm getting off This roof.

Hey! Whoa! Whoa!

Watch out! Watch out!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

No!

Oh, whew!

Oh, that was close.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[thud]

Wood screws Are good enough.

Take your time.

Ow!

Rachel, watch The knee.

Ooh! Aah!

Are you sure You're alright?

I'm fine.

Fortunately, We landed on steve.

Slowly, Slowly.

Come on, waldo. Let's get some ice.

Good idea. Because my Soda pop's too warm.

Ohh.

I'm fine, everyone.

Really, I can Make it on my own.

Steve, are you okay?

Oh, I'm peachy-keen.

I only fell 20 feet

And had all The male members

Of your family Land on me.

I'd appreciate An apology.

What?

You want me To apologize toyou?

Get down!

Alright!

I came over to lend A helping hand,

But you were rude,

Impatient, And not a nice host.

You ruined Our satellite dish,

And you almost Killed me and my son.

And you think That justifies Coarse behavior?

Steve,

Go home.

Carl, I'm going To give you--

Go home! Go home! Go home!

I don't have To take this.

I'm going home.

And don't you Ever come back!

What did you say?

Oh, you heard me.

Don't ever come back.

I will not be bullied.

I love this lady,

And I'll come over here Anytime I want to,

And you...Can't... Stop...Me.

I'm going to kill him.

Come on, buster!

Come on!

Come on, mister! You come and get it!

Come taste My fist of fire!

Let me go! No!

I'll give you money!

What's going on?

Come on!

Let me go!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop this!

Now, this is No way to behave.

You two are friends,

Buddies, neighbors.

This is A civilized society,

And we should handle our Differences in a civilized way.

Fortunately, I have a cousin That can make that happen.

[trumpet fanfare]

Tonight on American gladiators...

A special grudge match Between feuding neighbors.

That's right, mike.

Tonight's match-up

Is between carl "Bonecrusher" winslow...

And steve "Hurricane" urkel.

Grrr!

Grrr!

It looks like Quite a match-up,

So stay tuned, america.

[trumpet fanfare]

Welcome back. Let's talk To our feuding neighbors.

Besides our cash prize, You have a side-bet going.

That's right, mike.

If I win, And I most certainly will,

He has to stay away From my house

For the rest Of his life.

Hurricane, what Happens if you win?

Oh, there's No if, mr. Csonka.

When I win,

This rude cop Has to give me A heartfelt apology.

Oh. Say it, Don't spray it.

Okay, gentlemen, Go get ready for The first event.

Good luck.

Grrr! Grrr!

Let's see How our contestants Match up...

This is a classic David and goliath Match-up.

It's strength Versus agility.

In the joust, The contender Has 30 seconds

To knock the gladiator From his platform.

If he does, He gets 10 points.

First up, Steve "Hurricane" urkel,

But he draws The awesome turbo.

Huh?

Aah!

Steve, where are Your glasses?

I don't need them.

I got contacts.

I don't care Who you know.

Where are Your glasses?

Get him, honey!

Knock him silly!

Knock his lights out!

En garde!

[whistle]

[grunting]

Waah!

Wow.

Hurricane's doing A pretty good job.

Ooh, spoke too soon.

[whistle]

That's turbo's 11th Victory this season.

Steve.

Huh? Huh?

Oh.

Oh, laura....

And laura...

And laura?

Steve, you've Got to stop this.

Please quit Right now.

But why?

I don't want to see You get hurt, okay?

You do love me.

Now I'll never quit.

Lord, give me The strength to win For my woman.

Okay, mike,

Let's see how one Of chicago's finest

Fares against turbo.

[whistle]

[grunting]

Ow! Ow!

Unh!

Look out, turbo Took a hard one.

Oh, he's in trouble.

[whistle]

Bonecrusher!

Wow!

Bonecrusher taking An early lead In the competition.

You hit My husband again,

And you'll have To answer to me.

Ooh, turbo's down again.

Yeah, spread the word--

Don't mess With mrs. Bonecrusher.

Okay, steve. You're down 10 points.

I may be down, But I'm far From out, my man.

It's time for the wall.

You've got To get to the top

Before the gladiator Pulls you off.

Think you can do it?

Piece of cake.

Toes on the line!

Competitors, ready...

[whistle]

[crowd cheers]

Whoa, listen To that crowd.

Gladiators, ready...

[whistle]

Urkel's looking good.

This kid's got Some real moves.

He told me he's spent Most of his life

Dodging really, Really big guys.

[referee] He's off!

Calling all units-- Officer down.

Aah! Ow!

Look, look!

Arnold schwarzenegger!

Where?

Whoa!

Sabre was On the wrong end Of that shoe.

There's nothing Between hurricane

And the top Of the wall, larry.

[referee] He's over!

[whistle]

And that ties The score 10-10.

Larry, what The heck is that?

Let's hope it's a, Uh, victory dance.

Our eliminator Obstacle course Is the final event.

The contender Goes up a treadmill,

Across a hand bike,

Over a spinning log,

Up a cargo net,

Down a zip line,

Down this final Straightaway,

Through the gauntlet,

And across The finish line.

This is the final event.

The score is tied.

Whoever wins The eliminator, Wins the match.

[whistle]

Look out.

Bonecrusher's Having trouble With the treadmill.

It's tough.

It isn't The escalator At the mall.

Hey, bonecrusher's Coming back.

Hey, we're going To have to downgrade Hurricane urkel

To a tropical Depression.

I like That weather analogy.

Ah, thanks, mike.

Whoa!

Aah...Aah...

Aah...Aah...

Urkel will have To wait five seconds Before continuing on.

Maybe the rest Will help.

Man, oh, man. Bonecrusher's Caught in the net.

How many times Have we seen That happen before?

Oh, 15.

It was a rhetorical Question, larry.

Oh.

Uh-oh, hurricane Is catching up!

He's one tough cookie.

I don't know why He's called a nerd.

You didn't see His street clothes.

Look at this! We've got a race!

Aah! Whoa!

Sabre and turbo Activating the gauntlet,

And here they come down The final straightaway.

Two tired athletes,

But, larry, it looks like We've got a race here!

It looks Like bonecrusher!

No, it's hurricane.

It's a photo finish!

Let's take a look At the freeze frame

Of that exciting Conclusion.

It's official. It's a tie.

The first tie We've had on American gladiators.

Gentlemen, great news.

It was a tie.

What? What?

Take a five-minute break And do it over.

No! No, no, no, no!

No! No, Look, steve.

Want to Excuse us here?

Steve,

Look, you win.

Uh-uh.

You win.

I'll never come over To your house again.

I don't want that.

Listen, carl, I don't blame you

For being upset about That electrocution thing.

I mean, the sudden Catastrophic loss

Of seven or eight million Brain cells

Would make anyone Blow a fuse.

It probably Smarted a little

When I landed On you.

A little?

It was like Being body-slammed By a steinway.

But...What hurt me Even more,

Big guy, was...

The thought of being Banished from your home.

That's a pain Too horrible to bear.

Really?

I know I'm a pest, carl...

But I love you, big guy.

And I...

And I...

Admire Your persistence.

That's Good enough for me.