Original subtitles

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our House with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for You room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger Love of the family *

Good night. Come again.

Steve.

Steve, are you here?

What's going on, Laura?

This was on a table That was empty A second ago.

"Farewell, my laura. By steven q. Urkel."

This must be his entry

In the short-story Contest.

Yeah. He's deliberately Being mysterious

To make me want To read it. Well...

It worked.

[steve] It all started On a tuesday.

[saxophone playing]

An ordinary tuesday,

The kind that falls between Monday and wednesday.

Yep, any way You look at it,

It was tuesday.

Hey, max.

Put a sock in the sax.

Allow me To introduce myself.

The name is danger...

Johnny danger.

Former ranger.

And even stranger,

My cousin Is stewart granger.

I'm a private Investigator--

A p.I., a shamus, A sleuth, a gumshoe.

Things were kind of slow.

And then...

[drums beating]

I want to see...

Johnny danger.

And whom the heck Are you?

Laura wigglesworth.

I'll see If mr. Danger is in.

[intercom buzzes]

What is it, max?

There's A miss wigglesworth here.

Oh? Well, just a sec.

Show her in.

[drums beating]

Hey, max. We may be a while.

Take a long lunch.

Well, when do you Want me back?

August.

I'm johnny danger.

I'm laura wigglesworth.

I saw right away this laura Was no ordinary dame.

Silky hair, sultry eyes.

And a pair of legs That started at her waist

And went all the way To the ground.

You were saying?

I need your help, Mr. Danger.

I need it bad.

Real bad.

Desperately.

[gasp]

I'm so frightened. Someone is trying To kill my aunt.

I see. What's Your aunt's name?

Why would anyone Want to kill her?

Who do you like In the world series?

Rachel crawfish, You got me,

And I like the St. Louis cardinals.

Rachel crawfish? Why would anyone want To kill her?

And I like the red sox.

That's right, I don't know,

And I still Like the cards.

So, what do you say,

Will you protect My aunt

And bet 10 bucks On the series?

You're on...

And you're on.

Good. You start 8:00 tonight

At my aunt's Restaurant-- Rachel's place.

Don't be late.

[drums beating]

What a woman.

Glitter and glitz On the outside,

But on the inside...

A hint Of the girl next door.

But one question Kept nagging at me...

Where does she hide Those drums?

* I once fell in love *

* with a guy in the band *

* that man broke my heart *

* but his wife Broke my hand *

* I'm just An unlucky star *

* an unlucky star *

* if you wanna ride To fortune *

* find another car *

Hello, laura. How did I sound?

Marvelous, as usual.

Rachel Was a knockout.

And there was Something else about her,

Something I couldn't quite Put my finger on.

Who is this sexy man?

Then it came to me.

She had good taste.

This is johnny danger,

The private eye I told you about.

Oh. My niece Seems to think I need protection.

Can you protect me, Johnny?

Are you kidding?

Why, my middle name's Turtle wax.

Now, you two Just go about your Normal business

While I make myself Inconspicuous.

For the next Several hours,

I cased the joint.

It was a hotbed Of suspicious activity.

Evening, Mrs. Wigglesworth.

Yeah?

Who says?

Gee, your sister's Done a great job With this place.

You think I couldn't? That's what you're saying?

No! Yes, you are!

You think I'm nothing, I'm a nobody. But I'm a person.

I have feelings... And my original nose.

Gee, I wonder Who dropped a scorpion

In her girdle.

Hey, mom.

Want to play the numbers? It only costs $1.00.

Who do I look like? The bank of harriette?

Excuse me.

You wouldn't happen To be laura's brother?

I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.

Mr. Danger.

Officer wigglesworth.

What do you want here?

The fried chicken And a side Of information.

I don't like you, Danger,

Because wherever you go Trouble is sure to follow.

You follow?

I follow.

Remember, we're On the same side Of the law.

There's room for you And there's room for me.

Although, let's be Quite honest.

You take up A lot more room Than me.

Heh heh heh.

[drums beating]

Laura!

Hello, johnny.

[drums beating]

Care to wet Your whistle?

Why not?

You do know How to whistle, Don't you?

Oh, sure.

You just put your lips Together and go...

Pfft!

See you later, Big boy.

[drums beating]

Laura had a half nelson On my heart.

My pulse was racing. My head was pounding.

The room was spinning.

Then I realized... This wasn't love.

Somebody had slipped me A mickey!

Hey, lady!

Aah! Oh!

Agghh!

[snorting]

When I came to,

I felt like orson welles

Had been tap-dancing On my head.

Rachel. Oh.

What time is it?

How long Have I been out?

Rachel.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Rachel crawfish found Stabbed to death!

One week later, On a dark and stormy night,

I gathered everybody At the wigglesworth house.

[thunder]

Mr. Danger,

It's a dark And stormy night.

Why have you Gathered us here at The wigglesworth house?

Because you all Had two things In common.

And what's that?

You all knew Rachel crawfish,

And you all had Reason to kill her.

You're way Off base here.

Rachel was loved.

Is that so?

Well, how did you Feel about rachel...

Harriette?

Hey. She was my sister.

I, uh...

Sort of loved her.

You were jealous Of rachel.

After all, you Did loan her The money

To start Rachel's place.

But then Rachel became Rich and famous.

And what Did you get?

A chip On your shoulder

The size Of an aircraft Carrier.

What are you saying, Gumshoe?

I'm saying You killed Your own sister!

[thunder]

[gunshot]

On second thought, It wasn't harriette.

Was it, eddie?

Uh, what?

That's right.

You were Running numbers,

And rachel found out About it, didn't she?

I was doing All the work,

And she wanted 80%. It wasn't fair.

No, it wasn't, But you didn't Have to kill her!

[thunder]

[gunshot]

And which, of course, You didn't.

Wait a minute. Every time he accuses Somebody, they die.

Which brings me To you.

No!

Not so fast, Flatfoot.

You're going to make Headlines again.

What are you Talking about?

You were being investigated

For running a citywide Extortion scheme.

If a business didn't pay, They met with an accident.

Rachel was Making millions.

It wouldn't Have killed her To share the wealth.

You killed her Because she didn't Share the wealth!

[thunder]

[gunshot]

You know..

Whoever's doing this

Just might want to wait Until I'm finished.

This is crazy!

[drums beating]

Laura! Sit back down.

I can't think With those drums.

Estelle.

Yes, sugar?

You mentioned earlier That rachel was loved.

Did you love her?

No, I didn't.

Rachel was a hussy.

She stole my man.

- judge jenkins? - that's right.

And she convinced Him to put me In a rest home.

Ah, I see.

So not only would rachel Have your man,

But she would Have your money.

Now listen, I admit I had Harsh words with rachel,

But I swear I didn't kill her.

I didn't kill her!

Oh, estelle...

If we could Only believe you.

[thunder]

[gunshot]

And we do believe You, estelle.

We really do.

Chef waldo..

Tell me...

Does this contract Look familiar to you?

Yeah. I sign it when rachel Bring me to america.

Were you aware When you signed it

That it was A lifetime contract?

No! For seven long years,

I baste, I stuff, And I fricassee for her.

And I ask her,

Letta me start Me own ristorante. But she say no!

You have a little Drool right here.

Oh. Thank you Very much.

So, rachel destroyed Your dream,

And thatsa why You killed her.

[thunder]

[gunshot]

Gee. I would've Bet money On that one.

So...

Wigglesworth, it all Comes down to you.

Ha. I didn't Kill anybody.

Oh, really?

Murtagh ordered you

To collect the extortion Money from rachel.

Not only did she refuse,

She showed you this!

What's that?

Rachel Secretly recorded

Your father's Demand for money.

Isn't that right, Officer wigglesworth?

Well, she was going To leak it to the press.

My career Would've been ruined.

And so You killed her!

[thunder]

No!

[gunshot]

Laura, I knew it was you!

You did? Then why'd you let me Shoot all these people?

I wanted to make you Sweat a little.

Well, now it's your turn, Johnny danger.

Your turn to die.

There I was, face to face With lady death.

Was I about To take the long nap,

The siesta grande,

The eternal snooze,

The hasta la bye-bye?

Well, what are you Waiting for?

The narration to finish.

You're a strong woman.

Alright, johnny, You've got me.

I killed My aunt rachel.

But why?

[drums beating]

I wanted to inherit The supper club.

I killed the rest Of the family

Because I was Last in line.

Oh...

Oh, you're cold, baby.

Cold...And irresistible.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I'm crazy About you, kid.

You're under my skin.

I know you're poison, But I've been bitten,

And I don't Have an antidote.

So...You're going To let me go?

I'm giving you A choice.

We can run away

And spend the rest Of our lives Together...

Or...

You can go to jail.

Chicago police?

I've just killed Seven people.

And so...

It ended.

The cops Took laura away,

And I never saw her again.

But every time the cards Play the bosox,

I bow my head And shed a tear

For the lovely Laura wigglesworth.

So, ladies, What did you think?

- actually, I liked it. - so did I.

I hope you win That writing contest.

Come on, you two, it's late. Let's go home.

* I'm just An unlucky star *

* an unlucky star *

Steve, You wrote the story.

Why didn't you have johnny End up with laura?

Well...

Simple, sweetheart.

I'm saving that ending For real life.