Original subtitles

[theme music]

Hey, waldo. How do I look?

With your eyes.

Man, this is gonna be Some concert.

Nine rap groups In one night.

Yeah. I just hope they don't all Sing at the same time.

No, waldo. They'll probably take turns.

Oh. Cool.

There is just one problem.

Our seats are right next to The speakers and it'll be hard

For the honeys to hear Our clever pick-up lines.

I got that covered. I've Got one clever pick-up line

And the girls Are gonna hear it.

Hey, babe. Looking good.

Are those real?

A bull horn.

Waldo, that is so stupid, It's brilliant.

Thank you.

I need this. Let's go.

Thanks.

[music continues]

* it's a rare condition This day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say It's even harder to find *

* well then there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these tearful walls *

* cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you *

* room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

I don't believe it.

Pierce is made captain. He's Three years younger than me.

Well, It's not fair, sir.

You're every bit As good as pierce.

I know. I suck up to all The same people. Don't I?

Hey, nobody kisses butt Like you, sir.

Thank you, winslow.

Hey, pierce Probably cheated.

By working hard And being conscientious.

Yeah. That lowlife. He donates blood.

He's a big brother. He does volunteer work

At the old folks' home.

- uh. - ha ha ha.

- some guys have no shame. - yeah.

Bonjour.

Hello, steve.

What's with The get up, nerd?

Oh. I was working In my laboratory, flatfoot.

I was attempting To fix urkelbot.

Urkel-butt?

Uh, no, sir. That's urkelbot.

Some crazy mixed-up robot that Steve built a few months ago.

It went haywire and fell in love With my daughter.

Carl, I know why urkelbot Malfunctioned.

Several microchips and his Personality circuit went bad.

I was fixing it When it hit me.

- a big idea? - no, my robot. It hit me.

So, I fixed that, too. And that's when it hit me.

- but I thought you fixed it. - no, I got the big idea.

Urkelbot needs a job. And that's when it hit me.

- another big idea? - no. My robot.

I didn't fix him After all.

Would you just please Get to the point?

Well, alright, Mr. Antsy-pants.

Alright. Here it goes. Here is my big idea.

Urkelbot should Become urkelcop.

Oh, what's the matter? Don't you like my idea?

Steve, you can't Be serious.

A machine could Never make a good cop.

Uh, and just Why in sam hill not?

Well, a million reasons.

For one, it-it Can't eat donuts.

[mocking]

That's enough, Winslow.

The lad might be On to something here.

He might?

Yeah. If this robot Of his worked out

It would make me look real good And I'd get my promotion.

It would also help Benefit society.

It could help Millions of people.

Why, it could change The course of human history.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

[indistinct chattering]

Hi.

[indistinct chattering]

Hello.

[all] Hi.

Guess what, I have a chance To make some real money.

What about the money I pay you For working at rachel's place?

No offence, but I said, "Real money."

I want to become a distributer For larnice cosmetics.

Ah. Larnice cosmetics. Never heard of them.

Well, that's because They are a new company.

And they are looking For distributors.

And you know I'm a good salesman.

I mean, I can sell suntan lotion To michael jackson.

And all I need To get started is 400 bucks.

You have to send Them money?

Well, yeah. They send me $400 worth their cosmetics

And I turn right around And sell them for $800.

-everybody wins! -wait a minute.

Do you have $400?

Not quite.

I know where This is going.

Yeah, straight To our bank accounts.

Look, I have 100. And if you Guys put in a 100 each

We'd be equal partners, I'd do all the work.

I don't know, Laura.

Look, you know Money has been kinda scarce

And coming up With $100--

Oh, come on, you tightwads.

Laura is only asking For 100 bucks, not a kidney.

She is showing real Get-up-and-go.

She is being An entrepreneur.

We should reward that kind Of an initiative.

I'd say we write her A check right now.

- you're right. Come on. - come on. Take that.

Thanks, everybody.

Oh, ladies, I'm a little Short this month.

Could one of you Put in my share?

[humming]

Okay. We are all set.

- good. - it's about time.

Now, in honor of the occasion I've prepared a short speech.

In the year of our lord, 1977

The urkel child was born.

And on that day That child was--

Would you just please Show us the robot.

Well, okay.

But this is No ordinary robot.

This is the one, The only, the absolutely amazing

Urkel cop!

Okay, let's see.

An official Police badge.

[buzzing]

Hasta la vista, baby. He he he.

Wow! Neo.

Oh, please! You can't be serious.

Sir.

Go ahead. Test his knowledge.

Okay. What's the first thing an Officer should do upon arriving

At the scene Of a robbery in progress?

[clunking]

Call for back-up.

Is that right?

Yes, sir.

Heh. I'm impressed.

What? Okay, so he memorized A few books. Big deal.

But, sir, you and I Went to the police academy.

We are properly trained.

Well, so is urkelbot.

I guarantee you that He's studied the best.

Check it out.

[dirty harry impression] Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

[kojack impression] Who loves you, baby.

[joe friday impression] Just the facts, ma'am.

Kid, this is Quite an achievement.

Well, thank you, lieu.

Oh, feel free To use word genius.

Now, as the ranking officer here

It falls upon my shoulders to Think of a way to use this robot

To benefit me And no one else.

Winslow, say hello To your new partner.

What?

I'm assigning you To the mini-mart robberies.

If you two can catch The guy who's robbed

18 convenience stores, I'll get promoted to captain.

If you mess up, I've never heard of you.

It's perfect.

Come on, sergeant.

Let's hit the mean streets and Kick some bad guy butt.

Well, now, sir, listen, I realize that this-this

Bucket of bolts is smart And it talks a good game.

But what is it going to do When words fail

And it's time To get rough.

[clunking]

Any other questions, Carl?

On second thought, I'd be happy To be his partner.

I know.

Well, that was a nice party.

Margaret sure got some beautiful Gifts at her baby shower.

Yeah. But now I don't know what I'm gonna get her

Next month For her wedding shower.

I miss the old days when we took Our showers in the proper order.

Oh, look. Larnice sent us our cosmetics.

Oh. Come on. Open 'em up.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Mmm, this shampoo Smells great.

Oh, look, there is A hair conditioner, too.

Let's go try this stuff Out right now.

Yeah. I can't wait to see How my hair comes out.

[screaming]

[all screaming]

Hey, what's All the noise down here?

What's all the racket?

Hi, how are you?

- harriette? - carl, look at me!

Do I have to?

I'm sorry, honey, But...But you're bald.

And so is my daughter.

[screaming]

And so is my mother.

What happened to you guys?

Larnice cosmetics Is what happened to us.

We all used That stupid shampoo.

Oh, I don't get it. I mean I used that shampoo.

And my hair is fine. See.

[screaming]

I'm gonna call This larnice company

And yell at them What happened.

Well, laura, where did you Hear about this company?

Well, they had a full page ad In a reputable magazine.

-which magazine? -funky rap!

Listen to this. Try larnice shampoo.

You'll love How your hair comes out.

Well, you can't get her For false advertising.

[mocking]

We're sorry, mom. Uh, we realize That you're upset.

But, hey, look On the bright side.

You all could be backup singers For sinead o'connor.

[mocking]

I don't understand. Their number Is no longer in service.

Well, I hate to tell you this, Sweetheart, but I believe

You've been swindled.

What do you mean?

Larnice cosmetics is obviously A fly-by-night operation.

They probably sold Hundreds of distributorships

Took the money and ran.

You guys, I'm really sorry About this.

It-it just seemed like Such a great deal.

Sweetheart, if something seems Too good to be true

It probably is.

Look, look. I've got to hurry up And get dressed

And get down To the wig barn.

Well, hey, I'll drive you all.

Let's just calm down And have some breakfast.

That's a good idea.

You know, I don't know why

But suddenly I'm in a mood for melon.

[mocking]

Excuse me.

Sir.

[indian accent] Oh, may I help you Very much?

Uh, yeah. I'd like to pay for this soda.

Ooh, paying Is very very good.

Bless you very much.

And as they say at the border in My country, please, come back.

Hey, that's A great accent, big guy.

Ooh, thank you very..

[normal voice] Thank you very much, steve.

But I still say this is A complete waste of time.

I mean, The odds of this place

Being robbed tonight Are one in a million.

Correction. The odds are one in three.

Where does he Get this stuff?

Triangulation. Urkelbot marked on a map

The locations Of the previous robberies.

I detected a pattern

And deduced the most logical Spot to be hit next.

And here we are At pete's shop 'n save.

Rightarooney.

Well, now that you've got Your metal man set up

Why don't you head home, steve?

[door opening]

So, let me Get this straight.

You have three flavors of Antacid, mr. Night manager.

A person I have never met before In my entire life.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Cherry, lemon and goofy grape.

Now go home, Small man.

Ishmadaddle.

Nobody moves, Nobody gets hurt.

Oh.

You! Empty the cash register! You! Get me a cherry slurpy!

- what size? - surprise me.

- put the cash in a bag. - uh, paper or plastic?

- just do it. - uh, as you wish.

- freeze, dog breath! - what?

You're under arrest. You have The right to remain silent.

You have the right To have an attorney present.

Shut up! What are you?

I'm your Worst nightmare.

Oh, yeah?

[gunshots]

I believe These belong to you.

[grunting]

[terminator impression] Hasta la vista, baby!

You are busted, Pal.

Thank you Very much.

Whatever. Just keep that Hunk of junk away from me.

So, you are not so bad Without your gun

Mr. Gimme-a-slurpy.

Yeah, then I slapped the cuffs On and took him right downtown.

Alright, carl. That's great.

And I participated, laura. Feel like kissing a hero?

- I sure do. - oh.

Listen, steve, when our hair Grows back, do you think

Urkelbot can analyze A sample and track down

Those jokers Who did this to us.

And snatch them bald.

Well, he could, But he can't, so he won't.

What?

Well, urklebot has decided To give-up police work.

He finds it too dangerous.

So, he has decided To become a dancer.

-a dancing robot? -oh, yes. Yes.

It was such a peachy idea, I Decided to build him a partner.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that you built A mechanical women?

That's right. Oh, and laura

I averted my eyes during The final welding, sweetheart.

Glad to hear it, steve.

I named my new robot After you, laura.

I call it laurabot.

Gee, steve, If I cared, I'd be honored.

Oh.

Steve, are these robot dancers Of yours any good?

Well, you tell me.

Well, come on.

Ready to dance, Urkelbot?

Let's get down With our bad selves.

[music playing]

[theme music]