Original subtitles

Welcome back To dudes,

Chicago's hottest Dating show.

Man, look at Those babes.

[waldo] My, oh, my, oh, my!

This show is disgusting.

It's sexist And chauvinistic.

You're just saying that 'cause you're a girl.

Hey, sofa spuds.

What's up?

We're watching Dudes.

Oh. Smut tv.

Next week is teen week Here on dudes.

Soif you young dudes And dudettes think you're hot,

Come down to the studio And try out!

Come on!

You nut!

Oh, forget them laura.

Eddie and waldo Are immature juveniles

With only one tawdry Thing on their minds.

Care to rock My world, baby?

Ow!

Did I hit you Too hard?

Too hard? Oh, please!

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our House with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for You room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Hello, men. What's the skinny?

We got picked To be on dudes.

Yeah.

Admit it, steve. You know You'd love to be in our shoes.

Nope. No siree, bob.

I wouldn't be Caught dead on that show.

I feel slimy Just watching it.

Oh, yeah?

If you went on dudes,

You might be able to Get a date with laura.

Huh?

What bizarre, twisted Detour did you use

To get to That off-ramp?

Man, figure it out, Steve.

You date three Gorgeous girls,

Then talk about it On tv.

Yeah, steve.

Wake up and smell Juan valdez.

If laura saw you On dudes,

She'd go nuts With jealousy.

Hmm.

Nuts with Jealousy, huh?

Yeah, but she Won't be jealous,

'cause you're not going on the Show, right?

Quiet. I'm thinking.

Oh. So that's How you do it.

I can't believe eddie's Gonna be on television.

He thinks He's so hot

Since he dated Three girls in one week.

Hey, before I met Your mother,

In one week, I went out with...

Never mind.

Judy!

You know, Today's my birthday.

I know, but Mom said not To make a fuss.

- she did, huh? - yeah.

Richie!

So, uh...Tell me,

What does your Aunt harriette have planned

For my birthday?

Nothing.

I see.

Let me ask this again.

What does your Aunt harriette have planned

For my birthday?

Heh heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh heh.

Nothing.

Anything else You want to know?

This is gonna be great!

Eddie's gonna make A total fool of himself.

Hi, folks! It's teen week

Here on dudes.

Chicago's hottest Dating show.

First let's meet Our luscious ladies.

Nicole robertson.

[applause]

The lovely Tanya tuggles.

[applause]

And the exotic Oneisha savoy.

[applause]

Okay, let's meet The three dudes

Who are vying for The title of "Super dude."

First put Your hands together

For eddie "Funky hunk" winslow!

[applause]

It says here That eddie's hobbies

Are skydiving,

Bungee jumping, and Putting out oil-rig fires.

Next let's welcome Waldo geraldo faldo!

[applause]

Alright.

Waldo loves to play The top 40 on his armpit

And is hoping someday To do a world tour.

And now, let's hear it For our last dude,

Steven q. Urkel!

Steve enjoys bugs,

Cheese,

And synchronized Bowling.

Steve is on dudes?

I didn't know it was "Scrape the bottom Of the barrel" week.

You know, I'm enjoying this.

- you are? - oh, yes.

I wonder if they Have a seniors' week.

No, they don't.

I'll get us Some more chips.

Rachel.

Carl.

So, tell me,

What does harriette Have planned For my birthday?

None of your business.

Oh, come on. Come on.

Will you promise To keep it a secret?

Yeah. Absolutely.

Okay.

Here goes.

Nothing.

Nothing?

What do you expect, carl?

You told harriette You didn't want a big fuss.

Since when Does harriette Ever listen to me?

Okay. You dudes know how To play the game.

The dude with The most kisses wins.

Okay, let's play the game.

Funky hunk.

Yo, pat?

We asked the girls What they thought

When they first saw you.

One lady said...

Another girl said...

And the last girl said...

Well, this is A easy one, pat.

"Wow! Hunk-o-rama" Is nicole.

That's right.

There's one for you.

Nicole, any romantic Sparks on your date?

Ooh, oodles.

Eddie sang to me.

Eddie, you like To sing on your dates?

If the mood is right.

Well, you care to sing us A few bars?

[applause]

Alright.

Okay. Okay.

Comin' at ya.

* baby *

* baby baby *

* baby baby baby *

* baby baby baby *

* baby baby baby baby Baby baby baby *

* baby baby Baby baby baby *

* baby baby *

I wrote that.

Why am I not surprised?

Let's move on To waldo, okay? Waldo?

I'm still here.

We asked our dudettes How you measured up

On the ol' macho meter.

One lady said...

Ooh!

Sticks and stones May break my bones,

But math Will never hurt me.

Another girl said...

Ooh.

That hurt me.

And the last one said...

Well, "I can't rate him. We never went out" Was oneisha.

You're right.

Waldo, what happened?

I couldn't find Oneisha's house.

I gave you directions Over the phone.

Yeah, and I wrote them On the phone booth wall

But that darn thing kept Falling out of my car.

Steve.

That's the name. Romance is the game.

Okay. Alright.

Steve, you think The girls had a good Time with you?

I think they look Pretty satisfied, Don't you?

Let's find out.

Our first lady said...

Merely a misplaced kiss.

Another girl said...

Just wait A second there.

Now, I greatly admire And respect bugs bunny,

But there are just Some places he should Not be.

And the last girl said...

Well, now, that's easy.

It's oneisha who got The thrilling ride.

He's right!

Steve, Want to tell us

About this Thrilling ride?

Well, I picked oneisha up On my neato schwinn.

I let her ride my...

Sissy bar.

Okay, it's time to find out Who's our super dude.

But first, let's find out where Our super dude and dudette

Will spend Their dream date.

Take it away, Johnny prince.

Thank you, pat.

Our winners will spend A wonderful week

In romantic hawaii!

[hawaiian music plays]

Yes, they'll stay at The beautiful hanapala hotel,

Chaperoned, of course.

They'll enjoy snorkeling, Sailing, sunning,

Hugging, kissing.

Remember, hanapala Is hawaiian

For "Really Tall building."

It's all yours From dudes.

Back to you, pat.

Okay, it's time To super dude it!

Remember guys, You pick a girl.

If she picks you, You're the super dude.

Ties will be broken By whoever has the most lips.

Wow! Just like In real life.

Funky hunk, you start.

This is kind of A tough choice, pat.

As you can see, These are all Prime-choice babes,

But I think I'm going to Have to go with tanya

Because her parents Are hardly ever home.

Tanya, if you Picked eddie,

You're on your way To hawaii.

Darn!

I picked waldo.

[audience moans]

Well, waldo, Who did you pick?

It was a real Brain squeezer,

But I chose...

Nicole.

Nicole, if you Picked waldo,

You'll be winging your way To the aloha state.

Sorry.

I picked eddie.

[audience moans]

Hey, nicole. It's cool.

We could still go out.

Without hawaii?

Forget it, hunky funk.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Well, steve, It's up to you.

If the dudette you chose Also chose you,

You'll have The luau of your life.

Well, these Chickaroonies are all,

As they say In france, "Hot."

But the babe Who rings my chimes Is oneisha.

Oneisha...

Who did you choose?

I chose...

Steve!

Congratulations!

[urkel] Quiet!

Stop!

Stop!

Oh, no, stop! Stop!

Oneisha, I have made A terrible mistake.

I can't Go out with you.

For my heart Belongs to another woman.

Can we talk about this After we get back?

Every fiber Of my very being

Belongs to the lovely Laura winslow.

From the very first time I saw laura,

I vowed I would Never stray,

And I shan't.

Every breath I take,

Every thought I think,

Spells l-a-u-r-a.

Steve, steve.

- we're on the air. - no, I have to do this!

I'm hers.

My heart,

My soul,

Everything I am Or ever will be

Belongs to her.

I'm coming home To you, baby.

Your urk-man Is coming home.

Howdy, love drops.

I was hoping You'd still be up.

Did you happen To catch dudes tonight?

I caught it.

Well, what do you say we skip The light fandango,

Hitch our wagon To a star,

And go steady.

You see this, steve?

All that's missing Is...Your neck.

I may be way Off base here,

But you seem upset.

A little Postnasal drip?

Steve, you humiliated me On television.

I did?

Why did you go On dudes anyway?

I thought you Agreed it was sexist And chauvinistic.

I thought if you Saw other women--

Hot, curvaceous, Sexy women--

Fawning all over me,

You might get jealous

And do a little Fawning yourself.

Steve, when will you realize

I'll never feel The way about you

That you Feel about me?

Oh, yes, you will.

And it's my vision Of that glorious moment

That keeps my Little heart beating.

Ba-boom. Ba-boom.

'ba-boom.'

Oh, is she smiling at me? Yes, She is.

Ba-boom ba-boom Ba-boom ba-boom

Ba-boom ba-boom Ba-boom ba-boom Ba-boom ba-boom.

I'm sorry, steve, But you've got a long wait.

Well, I wouldn't wait Too long, babykins.

After all, I'm a super dude.

That's dud, steve.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

This dud's for you.

Ahh!

Carl?

Carl!

Yeah?

Happy birthday, Sweetheart.

Oh, gee, Thanks, honey.

This is, uh...Swell.

Wait--wait a minute!

Make a wish.

Oh, right.

Did your wish Come true?

Well, no.

What's The matter, carl?

Well...Sweetheart...

Remember when I said

I didn't want a big fuss For my birthday?

Yes.

Well, I fibbed.

I did want a big fuss.

Really? Then why did You say you didn't?

You were supposed to say, "Oh, honey, don't be silly.

We'll make a big fuss Because we love you."

Then I would Have caved in.

Next year, big fuss!

Big, big fuss!

Hold on. I forgot something.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, you guys!

* happy birthday to you *

* happy birthday to you *

* happy birthday, Dear carl *

* happy birthday to you *