Original subtitles

Here, fishy, fishy. Chow time.

Can I feed the fish? No, no, no, no, sir.

Nobody comes Near this fish.

Dad, what's The big deal?

It belongs To lieutenant murtagh.

I'm fishy sitting While he's in las vegas,

Searching for the future Mrs. Murtagh.

He may be gone A long time.

Come on, eat up, spike. Your food's getting wet.

Anyone care to join us In a happy dance?

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey, what's up?

The urkels Are packing their car

It looks like they're Going on vacation!

Oh, yeah!

How much luggage?

Two weeks' worth, easy.

Two weeks Without steve urkel?

Wow.

Maybe dreams Really do come true.

Ladies and gentlemen, We have taillights!

The urkels are gone! Yes!

Yeah! Ho! Ho!

Yay! Hey! Ho!

[all cheering]

Hey, a party!

Let's get down With our bad self!

Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho!

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our House with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* but we'll smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for You room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Uh, steve...

We thought you were Going on vacation, Steve.

Why aren't you On vacation, steve?

Uh, well, it would Have been inappropriate

For me to join my parents. They went on their Second honeymoon.

Oh, how romantic. Where did they go?

Well, my mother Went to washington

To visit The smithsonian.

My dad went To new york

To see clem puddle's House of reptiles.

You know...

Several questions Come to mind here.

Oh, shoot.

Your parents are taking Separate second honeymoons?

Oh, yes. They Desperately want to avoid

The tragedy That resulted from Their first honeymoon.

What was that? Me.

Okay, second Question--

Why would a guy spend His second honeymoon

At clem puddle's House of reptiles?

Now, for some Unknown reason,

My father is fascinated With animals

That eat Their own young.

Go figure.

So, steve, where are you Going to be staying

While your parents Are gone?

Some relative's house Far, far away?

Is that pity I hear in your voice?

No. It's hope.

Ah. Well, My little fig newton,

I'll be right next Door bach'ing it

For the next Two weeks.

So, stop by.

One hunk And no waiting.

Wait a minute.

Your parents left A 15-year-old boy Home by himself?

Boy?

I see no boy.

I see a man!

A manly man.

An urkel man.

Okay, but I can't Stand the thought

Of you being in that House all by yourself.

You're staying with us.

Oh, well, gee...

Since there don't seem To be any objections...

I'll stay, by golly.

Hey, and don't worry. I will not be a freeloader.

I intend To pull my weight Around here.

Well, that should be easy Because I don't weigh much.

[laughing]

[playing blues music]

* got a pair of suspenders *

* hike my pants Way up high *

* don't care If the kids bug me *

* 'cause I'm a stylin' guy *

* and I got The urkel blues *

* and I gotta pay *

* my dues *

* please don't judge me *

* till you walk *

* in my saddle shoes *

Ooh, that was good.

* got a lady named laura *

* she's mighty fine *

* before the next ice age *

* I'm gonna Make her mine *

* 'cause I got the *

* urkel blues *

* and I gotta pay *

* my dues *

* those pocket-protectin' *

* bug-collectin' *

* constant rejectin' *

* urkel blues *

Steve!

Oh, hi, big guy. I didn't wake you, Did I?

Oh, no, steve. I came down To sing backup.

Oh, and look, You even woke up spike.

Oh, you mean The terrafilum scaleri?

Right.

I'm taking care of him For lieutenant murtagh,

So that means

No more late-night Blues sessions With b.B. Urkel.

Got it. Hey, and bonsoir, Big guy.

Or as they say In old mexico,

Buenas noches, Hombre grande.

Viva zapata.

Viva zapata?

[blows out candle]

[steve laughing]

Steve got up early This morning and fixed Us a wonderful breakfast.

What'd you make, steve?

Omelets.

Ooh, I love omelets.

What kind? Liver and head cheese.

Get going!

Oh, let them go.

More for us, Eh, little buddy?

I'm not hungry, Uncle steve.

I got a problem.

Oh, well, Spit it out, Richmeister.

There's this Kid at school Who picks on me.

His name is Timmy thompson,

But we call him "The terminator."

Oh, tough guy, huh?

One time, he ate A whole alphabet block.

Whoa, boy!

He tell me He'll beat me up

If I don't give him A dollar every day,

Starting today.

You know, I think you Should tell your mom.

I can't. She told me Never to fight

Under any circlestances.

Well, tell Your teacher.

She'll just make timmy

Stand in the corner For a while.

Then, after school,

He'll hit me Over the head

With his little brother.

Well, why are you Telling me?

I don't know, You just seem like The kind of guy

Who gets Beat up a lot.

Me? Beat up a lot? Well, I--

You're very perceptive.

How do you Handle bullies?

I stand up to them.

Don't they hit you? Repeatedly.

Then why Stand up to them?

Richie, getting beat up Feels real bad,

But being afraid All the time,

Oh, that feels even worse.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, I'm mark.

I have a study date With laura.

Ah, yes, laura told me You'd be dropping by.

Laura's out right now,

But she's Due back shortly.

Come on in, mark,

If that's Your real name.

Hey, are you Steve urkel?

Why, yes. How'd you know?

You have A "Kick me" sign On your back.

Why, those teachers, Always with The darn pranks.

Ah ah ah ah! Up, up, up.

Huh?

Now, I'll need three

Forms of identification

And a thumbprint.

But first, would you kindly Step into the bathroom

And fill this?

What?

You object to A random drug test?

I sure do. That's insulting.

Oh, I see.

It's alright For our nation's Air traffic controllers,

But not for mark,

If that's Your real name.

Man, you're crazy.

What? Crazy?

Crazy? What?

Apparently, we had Something to hide.

Uncle steve! Uncle steve!

Richie, what Happened to you?

I stood up to Timmy the terminator.

Guess what. He's a sucker For a left hook.

Oh, well, Way to go, richie.

Richard crawford, You get up to your Room right now.

But, mom-- Go.

Going.

Steve...

Did you give My son some advice?

Well, I believe I--

Did you tell him that It was okay to fight?

Well, now, not in Those exact words.

Well, he took Your advice, steve.

He got into A fight today.

And thanks to you, He's been kicked Out of preschool.

Steve...

Y-yes, laura, My little dust bunny.

What did you do To my study date?

Oh, you mean mark,

If that's His real name.

I said hi to him, And he crossed the street,

Mumbling something About our house having A nerd infestation.

Well, sticks and stones May break my bones,

But I'm here, And he's not, baby.

Steve, you've only been Staying here for one day,

And you've totally Messed up my life.

Get a new hobby.

I can't seem to do Anything right.

Did you ever have One of those days, spike?

Well, I'm telling you.

Ah...

Here we go.

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Spike! Spike! Spike!

Spike! Spike!

Spike! Oh, spike!

Spike!

Oh, my goodness. Oh.

Oh! Oh, no.

Oh, no!

How are you doing, Steve?

[steve gulps]

Aah!

Oh! Oh, dear!

[giggling]

What's wrong?

Uh, well, uh...

Steve, where's spike?

[gulps]

Well, uh, carl...

I've got Some bad news...

And some Good news...

And some more Bad news.

Spit it out.

Oh, it's a little Late for that, carl.

Uh, well, uh, Here goes.

You see, carl, I...

I...

I accidentally Sucked spike up In the vacuum cleaner.

What? Oh, my god!

Oh--oh, carl, But--but the good news

Is that--that I got him out.

Oh, thank god.

But you know That more bad news I was talking about?

Yeah, well, I, uh...

I swallowed him.

We've gotta Get him back.

Oh, my god. What's your plan?

Hello, winslow.

Oh...

Lieutenant murtagh.

You're--you're back early

From las vegas.

Yeah, yeah.

So, how's my fish?

Well, well, I--

Well, well, sir, I--

Uh, uh, well, Uh, well, I...

Uh, uh, uh, Lou, lou, lou...

There's been A tragedy.

Something terrible Has happened To your fish.

Terrible? Oh...

Oh, there's no way to Break the news gently.

So I might as well Just come right out With the truth.

Here goes.

Your fish, fish Committed suicide.

He what? He what?

Yes, sir. It--it...

It was awful, sir.

He went...

The minute you left,

Well, spike got So very sad.

He stopped eating.

He stopped swimming.

Excuse me.

[blows nose]

He just, he just Pressed his little face Up against the glass...

Oh, puh-lease.

Carl, Stop covering for me,

Or at least do A better job of it.

Will somebody please tell me What happened to my fish?

Lou, I accidentally Killed spike.

I sucked him up in That very vacuum cleaner.

Oh, come on. That's pretty Hard to swallow.

Well, now, don't get Ahead of me, lou.

[arguing]

Alright.

Alright, alright!

Now, one at a time.

Harriette, the boy Turned my boss' Pet fish into sushi.

And this timmy problem Won't go away.

I was in The supermarket,

And his mother tried To hit me over the head With her husband.

Mom, steve has got to go. That's right!

[arguing]

Okay, okay, okay, Okay, okay!

Just give me a minute To try to figure out What to tell him.

That won't be necessary.

I was down in the basement Cleaning the furnace,

And I heard Everything through The heating ducts.

I'll just, Uh, head home.

Steve... Oh, please.

I don't deserve to be Around civilized people.

You guys Were nice enough

To let me stay In your home,

And, and I wanted To repay you.

But instead I messed Everything up...

Like I always do.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Uncle steve Helped me.

No, he didn't, Honey.

I mean, Thanks to steve,

I had to beg To get you back Into preschool.

But, mom, a bully Was picking on me.

A bully?

Why, I didn't know that.

Yeah, and I was afraid To go to school,

But I'm not anymore.

Oh.

You know, laura, If I were you,

I wouldn't be too upset About your study date.

Mark?

If that's his real name.

Well, What about him?

Well, last night I saw him On make-out mountain,

And he was lip-locked With a sassy little redhead.

That's lisa templeman. He told me he was Breaking up with her.

Mm-hmm. Well, She sure got one Heck of a goodbye kiss.

Uh, mom...

What were you doing Up at make-out mountain?

[sighs]

Carl, don't try To change the subject.

You see?

You see?

There is a silver lining

Around all of Steve's dark clouds.

Steve, sit down.

You know, steve,

When we Asked you to stay,

You didn't have to Do all the cleaning

And cooking and laundry.

We have harriette For that.

And me.

[chuckling]

Steve, when we Asked you to stay,

All you had to do Was just stay.

You know, big guy,

When you're right, You're right.

So what will you do The next time you stay?

I'll relax. I won't try so hard.

I'll just stay.

You got it.

Gee, thanks, big guy.

There you go.

Gee, this is such a wonderful, Warm, touching moment.

Do I feel a group hug Coming on?

No. No. No.

I didn't think so,

So let's dance

And get down With our bad selves.

Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!