Original subtitles

Sergeant winslow.

Why, lieutenant murtagh.

You look...

Dapper.

Yes, I do.

I'm a dapper dude.

How can I help you, sir?

Help me celebrate. I bought a new car.

Whoa.

Wow, What a beauty.

Yep. 1969 pontiac Firebird convertible.

The car of my dreams.

That must have Been expensive.

Yeah. I'm in hock Up to my ascot.

That baby Was worth it.

Not a scratch On her. Cherry.

[tires squeal]

[crash]

Can you get Your money back, sir?

Winslow, You recognize that person That just hit my car?

I believe I do, sir.

Hi, mom.

Carl, somebody parked Their old piece of junk

Right in our driveway.

Now, here's Their license plates.

Track 'em down And chew 'em out.

Hello, lieutenant.

Nice ascot.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our House with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the Blues with tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for You room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Waldo, let's try and Pick up some chicks.

Forget it.

How come?

We might Get a hernia.

We should Start off slow--

Maybe bench press Some little kids.

Yeah. Right. I guess I wasn't thinking.

Later, man.

I'm going To lay some moves On cheryl hanson.

Hey, baby.

Aw, baby! Wait! Baby, baby, baby!

Please wait! Come here!

Waldo, Is everything okay?

No, it's not.

Well, What's the matter?

I can't Talk to girls.

Every time I'm around them, My mind goes blank.

Can you Imagine that?

Actually...Yes.

Have you Ever had a date?

I got close once.

I almost went To the movies with Vicky vanderfanny.

You mean "Hickey" vicky?

I was so nervous When I asked her out,

Before she answered, I barfed all over Her shoes.

Gee, I hope They weren't suede.

Let's face it--

When it comes to Girls, I'm a loser.

You're just A slow starter.

I'm a no-starter.

I once had A 976 number Hang up on me.

Waldo, I'll be right back.

That's what They all say.

Laura, I need Your assistance.

Talk to waldo. I'm Worried about him.

Aren't we all?

No, really.

He's real down On himself.

He could use A few kind words

From a lovely lady.

Uh, steve.

Look at his poor, Pathetic face.

He's so sad, he could Depress richard simmons.

Well, hello, boys, What'll it be?

Two root beer floats.

Make mine a double.

Mmm. Bad day, lou?

He just bought A classic convertible

And had A little accident.

Little? Little?

Who'd you run into?

Somebody Ran into me!

Tell her. Tell her Who ran into me.

Go ahead. Tell her.

My mother.

Mother winslow?

Is she alright?

Mrs. Knievel Is fine.

It's my car That's suffering.

Is it smashed bad?

Bad? If I want to See the taillights,

I got to open The glove box.

I mean it, waldo.

You have Lots of qualities Girls really go for.

I do?

Like what?

Your looks.

I mean...

You are very...

Very...

Handsome?

L-let's just put it This way.

You have The perfect face For your head.

Oh, cool.

What else?

Well, you're sweet, And you're sensitive.

You're courteous, And you're kind.

I am?

That's right.

You're one Of the nicest boys I ever met.

Aw, shucks. You really mean it?

I sure do. From the bottom Of my heart.

-did laura perk you up? - she sure did.

Now I got A bigger problem.

What's that?

Laura's in love With me.

Whoa!

Laura, My gorgeous gladiola,

We have got Big trouble.

We do?

Waldo thinks You love him.

What?

What in sam hill Did you say To him, woman?

I wanted him To feel better,

So I gave him Some compliments.

Well, obviously The big galoot mistook Your compliments

For expressions Of amour.

Oh, great. How will I get out Of this?

Talk to waldo. Set him straight.

Do it before he falls In love with you.

Come on, steve, That won't happen.

Oh, foolish woman.

You underestimate The awesome power Of your beauty.

Why, I know better Than any man

The inescapable spell That you cast.

Steve, stop it. I've known waldo For years.

He'd never be Interested in me.

Oh, are you sure?

Positive. The day Waldo falls for me

Is the day I eat My science book.

Hello, laura, my love.

Bon appetit.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Here.

Thanks.

Plastic.

They last longer,

Especially if you Change the water Every day.

I'll be sure to do that.

Laura, I know I'm just wasting My time, but...

Would you like To kind of maybe Go out with me

Sort of Tomorrow night, maybe?

Now, let him down easy.

Sure, waldo.

Not that easy!

I'll pick you up At 7:30.

How could you do this?

Sorry, steve. But like they said In love story--

"Love means never having To say I'm sorry,

But I'm taking Your chick."

Laura...

You're actually going out With waldo geraldo faldo?

That's right.

Allow me to quote The 25th letter Of the alphabet.

"Y"?

I've been trying To convince waldo

That girls find him Attractive.

I couldn't refuse To go out with him.

Why not? You refused To go out with me

For the last decade.

That's because You have Self-confidence.

I can turn you down Without destroying Your ego.

Well, isn't that Just a fine Kettle of fish?

I'm getting penalized

Because I'm Emotionally stable.

Ooh!

Aggh! Aggh! Aggh! Aggh!

Aggh! Aggh! Aggh! Aggh!

Well, shut me With a twist tie

And leave me out By the curb for pickup.

If it isn't those New sweethearts--

Waldo and laura.

Would you like to order Some grub, bub?

Ladies first.

Is it okay if I have A cheeseburger And some fries?

How bad do you Want the fries?

Oh, what the heck. Go for it.

Okay.

And what'll You have, waldo?

Water.

Coming right up.

Want to dance?

Sure. Cool.

[jukebox plays Slow music]

[music stops]

Couldn't keep up, Huh, baby?

Waldo, during A slow dance,

People Usually dance...

Slowly.

Hey, I'm a rebel.

Oh, really?

Is that why You kept booing During the movie?

I was upset. We drive all the way Across town

To see The prince of tides,

And there wasn't Any surfing.

We should've went To see jiffk.

Oh, you mean jfk.

I know How it's spelled.

Laura...

Our relationship Just is not working out.

It isn't?

Uh-uh. I appreciate The nice things You said to me,

But we're just not A romantic couple.

Really?

Please, laura, Stop begging.

It tears me apart.

I-I'm sorry.

I'll try to pull Myself together.

I know you're upset,

But you'll find Another guy.

Remember, newsweek Heals all wounds.

Don't you mean...

Time heals All wounds?

I knew it's one Of those magazines.

Well, waldo...

Thanks For letting me down So gently.

No. Thank you, laura. You're my first date.

I'll never forget you.

Laura...

Yes?

Your ring is stuck In my teeth.

I'll return your ring As soon as I can.

So, how was Your dream date?

Not so hot. Waldo dumped me.

He did?

I mean, Darn the luck.

Steve, I want To go home.

It's been A grueling night.

Well, now that waldo's Out of the picture,

Does that make me Your number-one reject?

Sure. There's no one I want to say no to

More than you.

Wow!

We have liftoff!

[imitates rocket]

Winslow, your mother Is just too old To drive.

Oh, she is not!

Is, too!

I called the dmv

And found out Her driver's license Number is 7.

I'd appreciate it If you'd stop The mother driving jokes.

Put her in a tank,

She'd win The medal of honor.

Quit dissin' my mama.

What?

Gentlemen, is there A problem here?

I'll say Whatever I want Whenever I want.

Yeah? Yeah.

Anybody want A frozen banana?

You apologize to me Right now.

What if I don't?

Then I'll stuff you Into this coffee mug.

You better bring Lots of help.

Don't break the china.

Now... Now, here's a thought.

Why don't the both of you Grab a nice cozy booth?

And I'll bring you two

A big slice of pie.

Pie?

I l-love pie.

You want some pie, Winslow?

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, I wouldn't, Would I?

Here's your pie.

Aah!

Chocolate cream. Delicious.

Mmm.

But...

I've got a different Kind of pie for you.

Oh, really? Uh...

What kind of pie Would that be?

Oh, it's called Humble pie.

Okay.

That does it!

I've had just about Enough dessert.

You see, if there's One thing I really hate...

It's eating alone.

One pie...

Two guys.

Which guy's going To get the pie?

Now--now--now, Steve.

Place your bets.

Drop it, nerd.

I can see it now!

Oh!

Oh!

Ohh!

Oh! Oh, laura.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Laura.

I'm so sorry.

Oh.

Come here, steve.

Hold on. My shift's over.

Time for me To punch out.

Oh, come back.

I'll punch you out.

Would you look at us?

Two of chicago's finest...

Throwing pies.

Winslow...

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't Have made Disparaging remarks

About your mother.

I respect you, And I should show Your family respect.

I appreciate that, sir.

That's big of you

To admit When you're wrong.

Yes, it is. I'm very big that way.

Friends?

Friends.

And to show you just How sorry I am...

Carl...

This pie...

Is for you.

You know, sir, That's quite a gesture.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

But, you know,

I'd like to match That gesture

With a gesture Of my own.

Oh...

Yes!

Lieutenant...

This pie...

Is for you.