Original subtitles

And here's the prize of My baseball card collection--

A mickey mantle Rookie card

In mint condition.

Oh, man!

I got two of them.

Wow. There were Two mickey mantles?

No, waldo. There were--

Did they play On the same team?

No. What he meant, waldo--

Which one went home To mrs. Mantle?

Meanwhile. Back on planet earth,

Steve decides To talk to eddie.

Eddo, I need you to Help laura and me

Move along Our relationship.

I hate to be a downer,

But you don't have A relationship.

Au contraire, Laura'sfrere.

The lady's been Flirting with me.

She has? Yeah.

Last week She telephoned me

In the middle Of the night.

Steve, your house Was on fire.

Still, she did call.

What do you want from us?

10 minutes Of your time.

I do feel compelled To warn you that Your participation

Necessitates Donning a costume.

No way. Forget it.

20 bucks.

I'm in. Me, too.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* but we'll smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An oppurtunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

I'm so depressed.

Yeah. I don't think It's possible

To be more depressed Than this.

Hello, ladies.

We were wrong. We were wrong.

Look, there Upon the couch

Are two Beautiful girls.

And one of them is...

My girl.

[humming]

* I got sunshine *

* on a cloudy day *

* when it's Cold outside *

* I've got The month of may *

* I guess you'll say *

* what can make me Feel this way *

* my girl *

* his girl *

* your girl-- *

Uh, uh, uh, Hold--hold it.

What is this?

Don't we remind you Of the temptations?

No.

More like The repulsions.

They didn't even Know who we were

And we practiced For six minutes.

I'm just glad We got paid in advance.

[humming my girl]

That's what happens When you hire nonunion.

Uh, steve,

You used to annoy me All by yourself.

Why are you recruiting?

I hoped for a kiss For singing a love song.

Oh, that's sweet.

Stay out of this.

Sorry.

Look, I'm Too tired for this.

I was up all night.

Nagging Gas bubble?

No. Max and I camped outside The chicago theater

To get tickets To the johnny gill concert.

But they were sold out.

Laura, you really like This johnny gill, don't you?

Are you kidding?

Hair--bang! Hair--bang!

Body--poo-pow! Body--poo-pow!

Oh, puh-lese.

Take away his fancy Clothes, perfect hair,

And velvet voice, And what have you got?

The sexiest bald-headed Mute in america.

I've got everything Ever written on him.

Ohh.

Wow.

Interesting.

Laura, suppose I arrange for you

To meet johnny gill Personally.

Would you like that?

I'd love it, but-- No buts.

Suppose I Made it happen.

Would you reward me With a kiss?

Sure. I'd Lay one on you

That would weld Your glasses to your face.

You heard it?

It'll never happen. You have a better chance

Of being hit By lightning.

Oh? My uncle Elijah urkel

Has been struck By lightning four times.

At a party once,

He clamped cables To his earlobes

And jump-started A volkswagon.

Then in the summer,

We use him as The human bug-zapper.

He's usually knee-deep In dead mosquitoes.

Then there's a time When we went camping

And we were in dire Need of a generator.

And we just plugged The toaster in on him

And the pop tart were flying.

Well, I thought it was A good story.

[tv plays]

Carl, you got a minute?

In about An hour, honey.

Now is good.

Do you know What next friday is?

Our wedding anniversary.

20 blissful years Of marital happiness.

How did that sound, Sincere?

Almost.

You know the one thing We never did

After we got married?

Pay the preacher?

No, I know, I know.

A honeymoon.

But we were so poor.

When people threw rice At the wedding,

I saved some For dinner.

Carl.

Wouldn't it be romantic to Celebrate our 20th anniversary

By finally going On our honeymoon?

Yeah...

But it's So expensive.

We need A new water heater,

The car needs tires, Judy needs braces.

If we go, I'll wear this.

Here it is, folks. Cabin number 3.

The honeymoon suite.

Ooh. Ooh.

It's...

It's missing a wall.

Well...Yeah.

There's no wall!

Uh, no, there isn't.

Well we've really Have to have a wall.

Are you sure?

I mean this is The honeymoon suite

And most young couples Never see past the bed.

We want a wall!

Folks, I'm sorry.

But no can do.

Look, let me Fill you in.

We, uh...

We committed, uh, well, A construction boo-boo.

We started building All 10 cabins at once.

In the middle Of everything,

The price of spruce Skyrocketed.

In retrospect if we'd built one At a time,

We wouldn't have Been caught with Our tool belts down.

Are you saying None of your cabins Are complete?

Yes, that is what I would be saying.

Look at this.

I got one foot In snow

And the other On floor.

Yeah. Ain't America great?

But...

What about The wild animals?

Well, it is winter.

Most of the animals That eat people Are hibernating.

Come on, harriette. We'll stay someplace else.

The nearest inn Is 100 miles away. They're booked solid.

You're just Saying that.

No, I called myself.

With this storm, I wanted to Stay in a room with four walls.

Care for some turkey jerky?

[humming Camptown races]

Steve.

[humming]

Steve.

[humming]

Steve!

Hmm?

Tell me why You're making me Sit with you.

You'll find out Soon enough, My little tootsie pop.

[doorbell rings]

Gee, I wonder who That could be.

Hi.

Do you know Who you are?

I think so. I'm johnny gill.

Aah!

My. My, my, my.

He spoke to me.

Oh, laura.

Laura.

Laura. Laura, get up. Oh, my goodness, laura.

Johnny.

Johnny gill!

In my house.

Aah!

Get a grip, Woman.

Excuse me. I'm looking for a...

Steve yuckel?

That's urkel. Steve urkel.

Listen, my manager Gave me your message.

Now, let me get This straight.

You actually have a Mickey mantle rookie card

In mint condition?

I might.

Would you be willing To part with it?

Maybe, maybe not.

What's going on?

Business, Sweetheart.

Man talk.

Johnny, j.G., Johneroony.

Mr. Gill. I gotcha.

I might be Willing to part

With this Extremely rare Baseball card

If you sing A few songs For my honey.

And how many songs Are a few?

Oh, say...

10?

Say...One?

Eight, But no ballads.

Three. All ballads.

Seven, and make Moon eyes during The mushy parts.

Four. Moon eyes During two.

Six. Half ballads, Moon eyes during The mushy parts,

And during The chorus, Shake the bootie.

Hi.

Hello.

It's snowing out here.

We noticed.

We have a view.

Want to have A snowball fight?

No, thanks.

I do.

Ha ha ha!

No, no. Carl, carl.

Don't go out there. You'll catch cold.

Harriette, There's no wall.

It's the same Temperature in here.

Are you in a bad mood?

Now, why would I be in A bad mood, harriette?

I drove 3 1/2 hours Through heavy traffic

Just so we could Have our honeymoon

In a cozy, romantic Construction boo-boo!

Carl, you act like This is my fault.

There's only two of us In the room, harriette.

And I know it's not My fault.

Wait a minute, carl.

I asked for your input As to where to go.

And you said that Whatever I decided was fine.

Well, that was When I thought,

You knew what You were doing.

What?

Yes. You should've found out About the place

When you called For reservations.

Alright.

Hello.

We'd like to Book a cabin With a fireplace,

A king-size bed, And four walls.

What are you saying?

Carl, I'm saying that Whenever things Are going well,

You always find some Way to take your share Of the credit,

But when things Are going wrong,

It's always me Who takes all the blame.

Oh, poor harriette!

What a sad song.

I'd play the violin For you

If I had feeling In my fingers.

Oh, that does it!

I wasn't gonna say it But it's got to be said.

Oh, is that right?

That's right!

Carl winslow...

There's a goat Eating your shorts.

You know, harriette,

You've said low things To me in the past,

But what the heck Are you talking about?

Look.

There's a goat Eating your shorts!

Hey!

Shoo!

Shoo!

Shoo, goat!

Do you believe that?

He made a meal Out of your boxers.

I wonder what kind Of wine goes best

With underpants.

Sweetheart,

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Oh, that's okay.

And I'll never forget This anniversary,

Me, neither.

Hey, you remember When we first Got married?

Our apartment Had four walls,

But that's About all it had.

Couldn't Afford furniture.

Half the time The furnace was busted.

Hardly had Any hot water.

But we had Each other.

And that was enough.

It still is, For me.

For me, too.

I love you, Harriette winslow.

More now than ever.

Hey.

Why don't you Go inside

And put on That sexy negligee?

Carl, it's freezing.

I'll keep you warm.

What about the goat?

Let him get His own woman.

* tonight will be A special night *

* no matter where we go *

* and I'm so proud To be with you *

* I just want To let you know *

* you've got me saying *

* my, my, my *

* my, my, my, my *

* you sure look *

* good tonight *

* and it's so damn fine *

* yes, you do, Yes, you do *

* and I'm so proud To be with you *

* so proud To share your love *

* whoa, my baby *

* whoa, my baby *

* all that I want You to do *

* I want ya *

* come on-uh, Come on-uh, come on *

* I want you to say *

* that you're gonna Be all mine *

* you're gonna Be all mine *

* baby, mine *

* you sure Look good to *

* night *

Oh, johnny, You were great.

You were wonderful, Incredible--

Alright! Alright! I think we get the point!

Well...That was The last song.

I think you have a...

Little something For me.

Yes, indeedy.

My end Of the bargain.

Your very own Mickey mantle Rookie card.

Yes!

So, johnny,

Care to sing At our wedding In a few years?

Well...No. I'm a very busy man.

Too busy For a ty cobb And honus wagner?

I'll be there.

I won't.

Bye.

* you sure look Good to *

* ni-I-I-I... *

Hey, enough of that!

* I-I-ight *

Well, laura,

I arranged for you To meet johnny gill.

And not only that I got him to serenade you.

I think you Owe me a kiss.

I know.

A deal is a deal.

I couldn't have Put it better myself.

Ahem.

One moment, please.

Oh, it's no good.

I can't go through With it.

I'm supposed To say that.

Laura, I feel like I'm forcing you To kiss me,

Like it's A business arrangement.

Well, that's Precisely what it is.

Oh, that cheapens it.

Oh, laura, I want you to kiss me,

But it has to be Voluntary.

I'll wait for that Wonderful moment

When you want To kiss me.

Goodnight, laura.

Steve.

Yeah?

What you did For me tonight Was really special.

It meant A lot to me.

I know that Baseball card Meant a lot to you.

The truth is,

You deserve a kiss.

You mean, You want to kiss me?

I didn't say that.

I said deserve, Not want.

Well, I'll take it!

Oh...Oh, boy.

Oohhh!

Ooohhh!

Ooh-hoo!

Ooh.

Oooh!

Ooh.

Ooh.

Oooh.