Original subtitles

Steve, I can't talk now. I'm cooking breakfast.

No, you're not invited. It's just for the family.

Steve, stop begging.

Look, I got to go.

It's the first time I've Ever cooked a whole meal.

If I don't Pay close attention,

My beautiful breakfast Will go up in...Smoke!

My food's on fire!

Have no fear! Urk-man is here!

You're safe now, Missy.

Thank you, steve.

Now, I'm going To give you A compliment,

But it's only A compliment,

And it doesn't Mean anything More than that.

Oh, I understand.

You did good.

You love me, Don't you?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you *

* room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

What's going on down here?

Why do I smell Cinnamon-flavored smoke?

Well, we had a little Muffin mayhem,

A small Gastronomic goof-up,

A minor Betty crocker boo-boo.

Laura, translate.

Well, I tried To cook breakfast,

And it came out A wee bit crispy.

Laura, this oven Is on 550!

The package said To cook at 275 For 20 minutes.

I figured If I doubled The temperature,

I could cook it In half the time.

Oh, that's rich! That's one For the books!

[snorting]

How can a girl So smart

Do something So--so...

So long.

Mom, I almost restarted The chicago fire.

Laura, you've never Shown an interest In cooking before.

The closest you've come Is picking up the phone And ordering pizza.

I figured it's time I learned to cook.

At college,

I'll be away from home For four long years.

I might get hungry.

Could happen.

I'll take A home ec class.

I'll teach you How to cook.

No, thank you.

Why not?

Well, mom you're not the most Patient teacher.

What do you mean?

Remember when You taught me How to sew?

You made me So nervous,

I had to go To the hospital

To get the thimble Removed.

Well, On second thought,

Maybe home ec Is the way to go.

And we're now Entering the residence

Of one of Chicago's finest,

Police sergeant Carl winslow.

Look! Here's the spot where Police sergeant winslow

Drops his bag After a hard day Of fighting crime.

Hey...

Why, look! There's Police sergeant Winslow's mommy!

Hi, mommy!

Why, look!

There's my lunatic son!

Hi, son!

I bought this camera At the police Auction today.

Now we can videotape Special occasions.

It's about time You popped for Something like this.

How long did it take you To crowbar your wallet open?

Very funny. Spread the word.

No one touches This baby but me.

I'm the only one With the skill To handle it.

Then you won't be In the family videos.

It has a remote. I'll Be in all the videos.

Then you'll need A wide-angle lens.

Come on, let's look Into the camera.

Hi, everybody!

Come on, say...

Mmm...

There you go. Smile!

Steve,

Why do you have to take Every class I take?

Because every moment We're apart

Causes me Excruciating pain.

I get the same pain When we're together.

Hello, laura.

Hello, Cassie lynn.

My god! What a great outfit!

I just love That thriftstore look.

Thank you. And I love That beauty mark.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's a big zit.

Hey, want me To pop that baby?

Waldo, aren't you In the wrong class?

This is home ec.

I know. I'm ready To bake, shake,

Whip, dip, chip, chop, And fricassee.

Do you know How to cook?

Not a stitch.

Admit it. You're Taking home ec

'cause you think it's A mickey mouse course.

I figure it's A surefire "D."

I heard that, Waldo.

This is not A mickey mouse course.

I expect you To try your best.

Okay, but my best Is pretty lousy.

[bell rings]

Alright, class, This semester--

Steven, you better Get going.

You're late For class.

Oh, no, I'm not. I'm in this class.

That's not funny, Steven.

Oh, I'm not joking. So what's cookin', Good-lookin'?

[snorting]

Uh, excuse us Just a minute.

Steven, last semester I specifically asked you

What class you would not Be taking this semester,

And you told me Home ec!

Well, yes, I did.

But...Here you are.

It's not fair.

Now, there, there, Buck up.

It's only A few short months.

Months...

Months.

Months, months.

Oh, get a grip, Irene.

Oh...

Mmm!

Laura, are you Missing anything?

I don't think so.

Your watch.

How about that?

It takes a lickin' And keeps on tickin'.

Laura, cooking Is not a race to The finishing line.

Slow down And organize.

Slow down and organize. I got it.

Good.

You could've At least taken it Outta wrapper,

Cassie lynn.

Are you saying I didn't bake this?

Listen up, nubbles.

If you want To pass this class,

You're gonna have to Roll up your sleeves

And get your hands Dirty

Like everyone else.

Eww!

Voila!

Waldo! What a turkey!

You don't have to Like my cooking,

But don't call me names.

I was referring To the turkey That you cooked.

It looks marvelous,

But the assignment Was to bake bread.

I did.

I got done early,

So I decided To make stuffing.

Then I needed Something to stuff,

So I got a gobbler.

Mmm! Oh, It's marvelous.

It's so...

Moist And flavorful.

Waldo, this is Superior work.

I'm going to Give you an "A."

Wow.

Could you write That "A" down On a piece of paper?

I want to read it To my mom.

Rise, dough! Rise!

Come on! You can do it!

It's not a good sign When you have to give Your food a pep talk.

[bell rings]

Class can't be over! My bread's not done!

Oh, it's done, steven. It's dead.

But I don't Understand.

I followed The recipe Exactly.

Could it be Bad yeast?

Listen, you tried As hard as you could.

I'll be generous And give you a "C."

A what? A what?

A "C," a "C."

But--but I never...

I never got less Than an "A"!

So?

So I can't live With that!

Why, it'll ruin My transcript!

Get ahold of yourself, Steven.

I can't! I can't!

Oh, the room Is spinning. Yes, it is.

I'm--I'm getting Dizzy!

Oh, my god! I feel stupid!

[humming]

Eddie, what Do you want?

A kiss would be nice.

We're supposed to be Studying history.

Ahem.

Now, what did President roosevelt

Say to joseph stalin At the yalta summit?

Kiss me, baby.

Hi!

What are you doing?

I'm going to send this

To america's yuckiest Home videos.

I'm out of here.

No, vonda, wait!

We can continue this Someplace else!

Someplace More romantic.

More private?

Like where?

Like the garage!

Great. You can Start without me.

Vonda, wait!

If you are smart You'll run away

From home before I get back.

Hey, baby, baby, Don't go nowhere!

Let's see what we Shot so far.

Uh-oh.

Hey, don't look At me.

I don't know you.

Steven...

Steven?

Steven!

Yes, irene?

Today's assignment Is poultry.

Where's your bird?

In the fridge.

I'm not happy With my grade in bread.

I'm baking A make-up loaf.

Well, I admire Your persistence.

You'll also admire My new secret ingredient.

I've invented new Superactive urk yeast!

Urk yeast?

Rolls off the tongue, Doesn't it?

I took ordinary yeast-- Ascomycetous fungi--

And zapped it with High concentrations Of--

Just bake it, steven,

Just bake it.

Mmm!

Oh, cassie lynn!

What?

Your chicken Smells delicious.

Who cares!

My hands are rough, My hair is limp,

And I've got A gizzard stain On my shirt.

But you're learning To cook.

Doesn't that make you Feel wonderfully good About yourself?

Oh, get a life.

Stick a fork in me, Miss steuben,

I'm done.

Oh, laura, what A beautiful presentation!

Mmm. Perfection.

See what can happen When you slow down And take your time?

Yeah. You get food You can actually eat.

And what is our Epicurean king

Cooking for us today?

Goose en croute...

Ooh!

A la waldo.

Oh, magnifique!

Thanks again for catering My dinner party last weekend.

They liked the poached Salmon beurre blanc?

They loved it.

And the creme brulee?

They raved.

You know, waldo,

If you apply yourself,

You have the talent To become a really Great chef.

Wow.

I've never been good At anything before.

Well, I can play The top 40 On my armpit,

But you know How fickle

The music business Is.

Miss steuben!

It's alive!

What?

It's my urk yeast!

It appears the fungi Has mutated.

Its mass is tripling Every few seconds!

Let's pray it's not Intelligent.

What shall We do?

Stand back!

Oh, god!

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh!

Ow! Ow!

Oh...

Ohh!

Stop it! Stop it!

Aah!

Save yourselves!

Save yourself, Laura!

What should I do?

Get a container! Catch the stuff!

Oh. Cool.

Cassie lynn, Let's help them!

Are you serious? I'm wearing silk.

I hope you know A good dry cleaner!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Be careful!

Oh, ick!

Carl, got a minute?

I'm on my way To work.

Richie has something To tell you.

Go ahead, sweetie.

I'm a rotten Slimeball.

Come here, richie.

Go to uncle carl.

Now, just calm down And tell your uncle carl

Why you're A rotten slimeball.

I broke your new Tv camera.

Oh...

It was you.

How did it happen?

I dropped it.

Richie says he hasn't slept Since it happened.

I told him he'd feel better If he told you the truth.

Your mommy is right.

You should always Listen to your Conscience.

My conscience?

Mm-hmm. That little voice That tells you

That you're doing The right thing.

Mommy, you're like A conscience, too.

That's right, honey.

Only you're A lot louder.

That's right, Honey.

Don't you Feel better

Having told Uncle carl The truth?

Sure do.

Know what? I feel better, too,

Because I already Knew that you Broke my camera.

I waited to see If you'd tell me.

Really? How'd you know?

Well, let's take A look at the tape.

Now, you see?

It is obvious That the cameraman

Was 3 feet tall.

Oops.

We have to talk to eddie About his study habits.

[bubbling noises]

Miss steuben, I told the janitor

About our Little problem here.

Is he coming?

No. He opted for Early retirement.

I see.

Oh, I think he had The right idea, steven.

I think I'm going To march myself

Right down to The principal's office

And turn in My spatula.

What are you saying, Miss steuben?

I'm quitting!

I'm facing the fact

That as a teacher I deserve an "F."

Bite your tongue, Miss steuben.

I already did that When I slipped.

You're a wonderful Teacher.

No! I'm a nervous Teacher!

Oh I have a muscle In my forehead

That will not Stop jerking.

Miss steuben, Listen.

You taught laura To slow down

And stop taking Shortcuts,

And you taught Cassie lynn nubbles,

The poster girl for Useless people...

What it's like to do Things for herself.

And, my god!

Look what you've Done to waldo.

You have any idea How you've Changed him?

I guess he's changed A little.

A little? Why--whoa!

Whoa.

Why, thanks to you,

Waldo Is swapping recipes With wolfgang puck.

You helped him discover A hidden talent.

And now, thanks to you, He has something

That he didn't Have before--

Self-respect.

And what about you, Steven?

Have I taught you Anything?

Well...

Let me ask you Something.

What grade am I Going to get?

Oh...

Look around, steven.

[bubbling noises]

I don't think an "A" Is in the cards.

I didn't think so,

And that's what You've taught me, Miss steuben--

It's okay to be Less than perfect

As long as you Tried your best.

Well, actually, I guess That applies to me.

Look, miss steuben, You teach us more

Than just things Out of a textbook.

You teach us things About life!

Do you really think so?

I know the pay's lousy, The hours are long,

And you rarely get The credit you deserve,

But you're a teacher, Miss steuben...

And a darn good one.

Oh, steven!

Oh, miss steuben...

Thank you so much.

Oh, thank you--

Whoa! Ha ha!