Original subtitles

Better snapto it.

I want this place Spotless by the time

Your father gets back from the Airport with your cousin.

Mom, clarence is A teenager like me.

We're comfortable With clutter.

I know. I've seen your room.

You know it's been too long Since clarence visited us.

He's the best.

He was one Cute child.

Like me?

She said cute, Not goofy-looking.

You're just jealous because Your cute days are over.

Well, clarence is probably A babe-magnet like moi.

When it came to looks, God smiled on the men In this family.

God wasn't smiling. He just had gas.

Clarence was A little angel.

I wonder what He's like now?

Hi, everybody.

Hiya, honey. Hi. Hi, dad.

Yo, check out The partridge family.

What's for dinner, Milk and cookies?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

I'd like you to meet your Cousins, judy and richie.

Hi. Hi, clarence.

You know my mother Estelle.

Hello, clarence.

And laura, rachel, And eddie.

Hi. Hi.

Yo, by the way, Nobody calls me clarence.

It's easy c.

Yo, easy c. What's up?

Yoski, broski.

Uh, hey, clarence-- I mean, easy c.

How was your Flightski brightski?

Stupid.

Excuse me?

Stupid means good.

Oh. Yeah.

How's the weather In detroit?

Ill.

What's the matter, You not feeling well?

Harriette.

Ill means lousy.

Well, you certainly have turned Out to be a handsome young man.

Word.

He says you're Telling the truth.

Oh.

You guys ought To get out more.

Hey, yo, easy, You'll crash in my room.

A-b-c ya.

X-y-z ya.

Clarence Sure has changed.

Yes, and not For the better.

At the airport, he picked Up six suitcases.

So?

So only two were his.

Clarence's mama is Having a tough time.

Helen says, she thinks he's Fallen in with the wrong crowd.

She feels time away Will do him some good.

Clarence is young.

Let's try to Be patient.

Yeah. Wordski, Broski, in-law,

Don't ill.

Take a chill pill.

I have no idea What she's Talking about.

[buzzing]

What's that noise?

Sounds like bees, man.

Oh! Red alert!

Oh, oh, oh.

My killer bee experiment Has run amuck.

You know, we might want To close that window.

Hey, steve, this is My cousin, easy c.

Oh, I'm steve urkel.

Yoski, broski.

Oh, howdy doody.

Put her there.

Yo, you a serious Little nerd.

No, I am A serious little nerd.

You see, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends.

They help move along Our sentences.

Yo, e-man, Chicago got any women?

Oh, yeah, I know All the babes.

They can't keep Their hands off me.

That's true.

Eddo's been slapped More times than a piñata.

You got any wheels?

I got a boss Three-speed

With a banana seat And a sissy bar.

It's no problem.

I can always borrow My dad's car.

That hoopdy he drove me Back from the airport in?

Well, that's All we have.

Alright, get it for Tomorrow night.

We'll cruise For hotties.

What?

Hotties?

Hotties And a hoopdy?

* five Golden rings *

* four Calling birds *

* three French hens *

* two turtledoves *

* and a hottie In a hoopdy *

Yo, I got to check Out the 'hood.

Hey, I'll go with you.

I don't need No chaperone.

Oh, shoot.

I'm down to My last smoke.

E-man, could you Spot me a 20?

I only have 10.

You can owe me The rest.

A-b-c ya.

Peace in The middle east.

Rain in spain.

Is he cool Or what?

Oh, sure. Absolutely.

Not.

[buzzing]

Oh, no! My bees are back!

Oh! Run, mom! Run!

Mother winslow,

Thanks for Babysitting again.

You're welcome. Glad to do it.

You have the patience Of a saint.

You've been sitting there For hours helping the kids.

Put that puzzle together.

It has nothing To do with patience.

There was gum on the Chair. I'm stuck.

What are you going to see At the dinner theater?

Bye, bye, birdie.

More like, Hello, rubber chicken.

* you got that Pleasant outlook *

* stick out That noble chin *

* wipe off that Full-of-doubt look *

* slap on a happy grin *

* spread sunshine *

* all over the place *

* just put on A happy face-- *

Now I've got A happy face.

I'm living In a cultural vacuum.

Yo, check it out.

Ooh, looking good, Fellas.

What are you Up to tonight?

We going to cruise The 'hood, shot,

Check out The hotties, shot,

Drop the beach, shot.

Hey, well, we going To the theater, bang,

Going to get some chow, Boom,

And then we going to dig Some vibes, kablooey.

Rachel, come over here And sit in my chair.

Dad, can clarence and I Borrow the car tonight?

No can do, son.

Your aunt and mother are Dragging me to the theater.

Besides, didn't I Say last night

That you couldn't Use the car?

Yeah, but we really need it.

We're going Cruising for chicks.

Oh. Cruising For chicks, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Forget it.

Then how are we supposed To pick up babes?

Do what your Father used to do.

Take the bus and beg.

Hey, it works.

Yo, this is whack.

Your pops won't even Let us use his gremlin.

Yo, who needs This hoopdy anyway?

You have an old car, You get old women.

My buddy has A pickup truck.

Maybe he'll let us Ride in the back.

Wow, maybe we can get Some cows and chickens, too.

Sorry.

I got to do everything Around here.

Yo, I'll get us a ride.

E-man, if you're going to To hang with me,

Better get with the program.

Hello, edd-o.

Hi, steve.

Hey, where's your rude And unpleasant cousin?

He took off on his own.

Oh, good. Let's go To the observatory.

It's byob night--

Bring your own Binoculars.

Yo, e-man.

Ready to roll?

You got a car?

Did I get a car?

Hell, check it out.

Hey, what's he Talking about?

Where's he going, huh?

Huh? Huh?

[gasp]

Yeowzer!

Whoa!

Ta-da.

Man, that baby's Gorgeous!

Yeah, and it's Fully loaded.

Surprise! Surprise!

And he brought Hooters!

That's hotties, Steve.

Oh.

Man, this is unreal.

This ride is hype. We'll be cruise in style.

Hey, man, where'd You get the girls?

At a bus stop.

We're taking them Home...

Eventually.

Hi. I'm e-man.

I'm oneisha.

Hmm.

And I'm halawna.

Mmm.

And I'm appalled.

Yo, chill out!

They're sensitive.

Okay, mr. Easy, where Did you get this car?

And don't you Tell me detroit.

I used my world-famous Valet parking scam--

Wear a red jacket And tie

Stand in front of A fancy restaurant,

And bam! You got yourself A serious ride.

And bam! You've got yourself 10 years in the slammer.

You stole this car?

Not stole. Borrowed.

The dude goes in to eat, We joyride for two hours.

When he comes Out the restaurant,

We have it parked At the curb.

To top it off,

He gives us A $2.00 tip.

I don't know, man.

Don't do it, edd-o.

Listen to that little voice Echoing inside of you.

It's wrong-ong-ong.

It's wrong-ong-ong.

Yo, home nerd. Chill.

Look at those Girls, steve.

They're real pretty,

And I'm so lonely.

[keys jingle]

What's it Going to be, e-man?

I'm getting In that car.

Oh, no, edd-o! Edd-o!

What in sam hill Are you doing?

You're coming with us. That way you can't squeal.

I'm not going Anywhere with you.

I mean it, you ruffian.

Unhand me or suffer The consequences.

Let the record show that I'm being forcibly abducted,

And you hotties Are witnesses.

As sure as the sun rises In the east and sets in the west

This is our ride to damnation.

Steve, Will you relax?

Clarence has everything Under control.

Besides it's a little joyride. What could go wrong?

Carl, don't get worked up.

We haven't heard Eddie's side of the story.

She's got a point, dad.

Eddie's side?

He stole a car. He has no side.

He's got a point, mom.

[doorbell rings]

Alright, inside, You two.

Come on.

Keep it moving, Mr. Backwards hat.

Winslow,

Ma'am...

Little ma'am.

Hello, lieutenant.

Thanks for Bringing them home.

Sure, sure. I dropped The nerd off next door

At the, uh... Nerd house.

His parents Were very upset.

Why, because He was in jail?

No, because I brought him back.

Listen,

I talked to the owner Of the stolen vehicle.

He's willing To drop the charges.

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

I owe you one.

Yeah, and it's A really big one, too.

Good night, sergeant.

Ma'am.

Little ma'am.

Punk.

Alright, easy c.

Carl, carl, I'll talk to clarence.

You talk to eddie.

If you're going to Kill somebody,

It should be A close relative.

You, kitchen.

Bed.

That's right.

So what do you have To say for yourself?

I'm surprised.

After all you've done,

You ought to have A whole lot to say.

You know what really Bothers me, clarence?

You took eddie and steve With you.

Now, if you want to Mess up your life,

Then that's your problem,

But when you mess With me and mine,

You're in big trouble.

You swagger in here With your cigarettes

And your Arrogant attitude,

And you think You're so cool.

Well, let me Tell you something.

You're not cool, Clarence.

Cool is Respecting yourself

And the people That care about you,

Cool is knowing the difference Between right and wrong.

And when you Make a mistake,

Having the courage To admit to it.

That's what cool is, Clarence.

Clarence,

Are you sorry About any of this?

Yeah.

I'm sorry I got caught.

Okay.

I've given you Every opportunity.

Get upstairs and pack your bags. You're going home.

What? You're bluffing.

No, I'm not. Get upstairs And get your stuff, clarence!

I'll call your mother And tell her you're on the way.

Fine.

I don't need you...

Cousin.

Edward, I can't--

Of all the stupid--

I--I just can't--

Go ahead, dad. I deserve it.

Yes, you do. Now, first--

I can't believe whati did .

It was like, Who's that person?

I actually let Clarence convince me

We were only Borrowing that car.

Well, it wasn't Borrowing.

It was stealing.

I thought clarence Was so cool.

Yeah, well--

He's not.

Nobody looks cool In handcuffs.

You're right. Now, edward, if--

I am so disappointed In myself.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

I let myself down,

And worst of all... I let you down.

Well, that's right.

Thanks for The lecture, dad.

I really learned My lesson.

I'm sorry I had to be So rough on you.

Hey, I deserved it.

Hold it.

We're not Through yet.

There's more?

Oh, much more.

Uh-oh. You're Going to ground me?

No, no. You'll be Going out a lot.

I will?

Oh, that's right, Mr. Loves-to-drive.

You'll be volunteering Your services

Every saturday for The next entire year

For the meals On wheels program.

Every saturday?

Rain or shine,

Starting bright and Early 6 a.M. Tomorrow.

But that's only Five hours from now!

You better Get some rest.

Hi, honey.

How'd it go With clarence?

It didn't.

Carl, was like talking To a brick wall.

We're gonna Have to send him home.

How could eddie do Something like that?

Well, honey, He was up against

Some powerful temptation--

Fancy cars and pretty girls.

He wanted to look cool.

Those things Are hard to resist.

You're right.

I think he knows what He did was wrong

And he's genuinely sorry That he did it.

And that's something To be grateful for.

I guess we did A few things right.

Sweetheart, edward Is a good kid.

We did a lot Of things right.

Laura, my law-abiding Buttercup!

What do you want, Steve?

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

I've been in jail.

I'm a ex-con.

Get a grip, steve.

I can't, do you know How long it's been

Since I've seen A woman?

About an hour?

Oh, kiss me, laura. Remind me I'm a man.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I remind you Where the door is?

Ah, it's so good To be back.

Let me tell you, laura.

I've been scared straight.

I met a man in jail

Who had a tattoo Of a battleship!

So?

It was on his tongue!

Owww!