Original subtitles

It is quarter to ten!

We'll be late For church!

As usual.

Goodness. Lord have mercy.

At least he didn't tell us To take the bus.

If you're not ready In five minutes,

You're taking The bus!

Kids, are you ready?

Almost!

I'm ready.

Richie, why did you Spill grape juice

All over yourself?

Because we're out Of orange juice.

Come on. Let's get changed.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Every time We get ready,

Somebody messes up And does something.

Estelle, my belle.

Good morning, steve.

Wow. You look stunning.

If I were a couple Of years older,

We, well, uh...

Oh, stop.

I got pantyhose Older than you.

Hey.

Where is everyone?

Getting ready For church.

Oh.

Ohh.

What's the matter, Sugar?

Well, I'm just jealous, That's all.

How come?

Well, it's just That every sunday,

I watch you winslows

Putt-putt Off to church In your gremlin...

And, well, I wish I could tag along.

Doesn't your family Go to church?

Oh, no. My parents' Sunday routine Hasn't varied

Since they were Juniors at m.I.T.

We get up at dawn

And do The new york times Crossword puzzle

In ink.

Then we hop over To the behavioral Sciences lab

For an Hour-long soak

In the sensory Deprivation tanks.

Well, steve,

You are welcome To come to church with us

And sit Right next to me.

In a pew?

With you?

Will do.

Maybe I didn't Make myself clear.

We are late for church!

Let's go now!

Carl, I'm sorry.

We had To change richie.

We're sorry.

Good news, Everybody.

Steve is coming With us.

Judy, Change your dress.

I'll change again.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

* I could never, No, no, never *

* thank you enough *

* lord, I could never *

* I could never No, no, never *

* thank you enough *

* I, I, I Could never *

* I could never No, no, never *

* thank you enough *

* you've been So good to me *

* you've been So good to me *

* been so good To me *

* been so good *

* been so good to me *

* god has been good To me *

* he's been good *

* woke me up Early this mornin' *

* started me On my way *

* he's been good *

* let me see you Wave your hands *

* he's been good to me *

* yes, lord, You've been good *

* you've been So good to me *

Yeah!

Bravissimo!

Encore! Nice pipes!

Steve.

We usually shout out "Amen" or "Hallelujah."

Oh, thanks For telling me.

I was just about To start the wave.

My, my, my. The walls Of this old church

Are vibrating With good music today.

Well! Yes! Yes!

Amen!

Our choir Sounds so fine

That even the angels

In our Stained glass windows

Are moving to the beat.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Now, as you all know.

Oh, tell it to us now.

Carry on.

Thank you.

As you all know,

Sister frampa, Our former choir director,

Has decided to pursue her Musical career full-time.

Amen! Oh, yes! Amen!

Singing backup To z.Z. Top.

Well. Well.

Our new choir Director will be...

Sister Rachel crawford.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Ye--

I'll think about it And get back to you.

But gospel sunday's Only two weeks away.

I accept.

And I promise

That this year's Gospel sunday

Will be the most fun day.

I will lead this choir

To new heights Of perfection.

I publicly pledge

That I will leave No stone unturned--

Sister crawford.

Yeah?

We get The picture.

Now, as I look out Upon the congregation,

It makes me Feel happy

To see a few New faces.

Amen. Yes.

So if anyone Feels the need

To speak What's in their heart,

Stand up and testify.

* ooh ooh ooh *

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Young man,

I take it You have something to say.

Yes, Your pastorship.

Pastor peeble...

Regular people.

My name is Steven q. Urkel.

Now, before today,

I felt like there was Something missing in my life.

I know it seems

Like I've got everything Going for me.

Hmph. Well. Well.

Intelligence,

Killer good looks,

And a wonderful woman Who's wild about me.

Touching.

Sorry.

But today I've learned

That those things were Merely foolish pride...

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Vain attempts to cover The emptiness in my soul...

Oh, yes.

Not unlike the way The good pastor here

Tries to cover The baldness Of his head

With that Mail-order rug.

It's about time Somebody pointed That out.

I was looking for Love, caring, and joy...

And, well...

This place is chock-full Of those things.

Yes, it is. Amen.

So...I'm happy To say that...

A few minutes ago,

I opened my heart And invited the lord in.

Well, amen!

[pastor] Sister...

Choir director.

* a-a-a-amen *

* a-a-a-amen *

* a-a-a-amen *

* amen *

* amen *

* a-a-a-amen *

* a-a-a-amen *

* a-a-a-amen *

* amen *

* amen *

Becky, what do you say After choir rehearsal

You, me, movie.

You, me, never!

Eddie, you couldn't pick up A girl if she had handles

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, carl.

What's in the box?

Oh. Um...

Just a hat.

Is that a present For rachel?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Are you trying To get the big solo?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Carl winslow, You're sucking up.

Yeah. So?

Well, it's sneaky, Underhanded, And dishonest.

Hi, harriette.

Thanks for the New necklace.

It must Have cost you A fortune.

Coffee break is over.

Let's take our places, Please.

Oh, rachel.

Un momento, S'il vous plait.

Hmm.

Steve, what are you doing here?

I'd like To join the choir

If it's o.K. With you.

I suppose. Squeeze in there With the tenors.

Hey. Gangway. Gangway.

Elbow room. Elbow room.

New guy.

O.K., everyone.

We'll start with Oh, happy day.

* oh, happy day *

[singing off key] * oh, happy day *

* when jesus was-- *

Hold it. Hold it.

Sounds like A hyena hootenanny.

Uh, steve. Perhaps I was A little hasty.

Step forward And sing for me.

Oh, certainly.

* oh, happy day *

Steve.

* oh, happy day *

Steve.

* oh, happy day *

Steve!

Mmm.

It's not A happy day, steve.

Honey, You're way off-key.

Let's see If a pitch pipe Will help.

Try this.

O.K. Here we go.

* mmm *

Steve, you're Not listening.

Listen to it now.

* mmm *

Steve, listen to it.

* mmm, mmm *

* mmm, mmm *

We have A major problem.

Maybe you could Come back

When your voice Has changed.

It already did.

Well, steve, I'm sorry,

But gospel sunday Is very important,

And I can't let you In the choir.

Aw. Aw. Aw.

Rachel, rachel, Rachel, rachel.

He just joined.

Give him a chance.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Excuse me,

But will everyone Who is directing This choir

Please raise Their baton?

Well, That's settled.

Now, steve...

Your hymnal, please.

She can't do that.

O.K.

* go tell it On the mountain *

Hallelujah.

* over the hills *

* and everywhere *

* go *

* tell it On the mountain *

Hallelujah.

* that jesus christ *

* is born *

No.

* go-- *

People, people, People.

Now, I know We've been Rehearsing this song

For six hours,

But it's losing Its freshness.

Yeah, people. Let's perk it up.

Marge.

Yes?

Sister.

Sing from Your diaphragm,

Not your sinuses.

Ooh. Ooh.

And, Brother spencer,

Slap some polygrip On those choppers.

You sound like A pair of castanets.

Rachel! Zip it, harriette!

I got work to do here.

O.K. Now, Once more.

And this time,

See if you can Follow my baton.

* go tell it On the mountain *

* over the hills And everywhere *

* go tell it On the mountain *

* that jesus christ Is born *

* go tell it On the mountain-- *

Hold it.

* hallelujah *

Carl.

86 the hallelujahs.

What about my solo?

86 that, too.

What--

Rachel, You can't do that.

I bought you a hat.

I can do Whatever I want

Because I'm The choir director.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Problem?

Now, now, now, rachel.

If carl's not singing The solo, who is?

Well...

I am.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look. Marge and I have The best voices,

So I flipped a coin, And I won.

Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.

Hey. Now, look.

I am in charge here.

That is why I have the baton.

There.

[gasp]

Now you have two.

Where are you going With my hat?

Come back here.

Right now. Peop--

That's it! You will never sing In this town again!

Oh!

Ooh.

You won again.

How did you get So good at checkers?

Practice.

Fortunately, When I was young, I had no friends.

Steve, did you Tell your parents

That you went To church?

Oh, yeah.

How did they take it?

Oh, not too good.

My father said,

"Steven, stop this Church nonsense

"And rejoin Your mother and me

In the sensory Deprivation tanks."

And I said,

"Tanks?

No tanks."

Well, it's probably Because they miss you.

No. Philosophical Disagreement.

My father Demanded to know

How, with my Scientific training,

I could believe In god.

I can't touch, See, or feel him.

But I pointed out

That I can't Touch, see, Or feel an atom,

But I believe It exists.

You're right. We call that faith.

Hi.

Oh, hi, sugar.

Where is everybody?

They went out To dinner.

Why didn't you go?

Harriette, carl, And I drew straws

To see Who would stay

To have a Heart-to-heart talk With you.

And you won.

Won. Lost. What's The difference?

Rachel.

Sit over here, Sweetheart.

Rachel.

You know how You've been acting As choir director?

Yes.

Well, uh...

Knock it off.

Excuse me?

Rachel, the good lord Doesn't care

If his praises Are sung off-key

As long as it's sung Straight from the heart.

You're right.

Steve, I shouldn't Have kicked you Out of the choir.

Look on The bright side.

You just saved me The trouble of Quitting later on

With all the others.

I guess I had that coming.

I really messed up.

Gospel sunday Is in two days,

And the choir Won't even talk to me.

Well, apologize To them.

Maybe they'll Forgive you.

Not after The way I acted.

Rachel, just before You came in,

Steve and I were Discussing faith.

It seems to me

You should apologize To the choir...

And have faith They will forgive you.

But what if they Don't forgive me?

Then you'll have To leave town.

And as god tells us In psalm 95, verse 1,

"Let us sing Unto the lord.

"Let us make A joyful noise

To the rock Of our salvation."

But we're not going To do that today.

Aw. Aw. Aw.

Gospel sunday Has been canceled.

Oh, no.

Plans got changed.

Things got switched.

People had obligations.

Pastor peeble.

Yes, rachel?

The congregation Deserves to hear The truth.

Please.

Folks...

The reason gospel sunday Was canceled

Is because The choir quit.

Oh, no.

And the reason The choir quit

Was because the moment I became choir director,

I started acting Like a jerk.

Amen. Well. Amen.

I got A swelled head.

I started Picking on people

And just bossing Everyone around.

I am truly sorry,

And I just hope

You can find it In your hearts

To forgive me.

Ohh. Oh, no.

Rachel.

Yes?

* put your hand In the hand Of the man *

* who stilled the water *

* put your hand In the hand Of the man *

* that calmed The sea *

* take a look At yourself *

* and you may Look at others Differently *

* by putting your hand In the hand Of the man *

* from galilee *

* put your hand In the hand of the man *

* who stilled the water *

* put your hand In the hand of the man *

* who calmed the sea *

* take a good look *

* at yourself *

* you might look At others differently *

* by putting Your hands *

* in the hands Of the man *

* from galilee *

Oh, yeah.

* put your hand In the hand of the man *

* who stilled the water *

Amen!

* the water *

* put your hand In the hand of the man *

* who calmed the sea *

* take a look At yourself *

* and you might look At others differently *

* by putting your hand In the hand of the man *

* from galilee *

* ohh, ohh *

* put your hand In the hand of the man *

* who stilled the water *

* put your hand In the hand of the man *

* who calmed the sea *

* calmed the sea *

* take a look At yourself *

* and you might look At others differently *

* oh oh oh *

* oh oh *

* whoa I can never * * I can never *

* no no never * * no no never thank you enough *

* I-I-I can never * I can never *

* no no never * * no no never thank you enough *

* you've been so good to me *

* you've been so good to me *

* been so good to me *

* you've been good *

* you've been good to me *

* god is so good to me *

* you've been good *

* woke me up early This mornin' *

* you've been good to me *

* started me on my way *

* you've been good *

* let me see you Wave your hands *

* you've been good to me Yes, lord

* you've been good.. **