Original subtitles

Calm down, calm down, Calm down.

Everything is Under control.

Oh, and good news.

The new special is Louisiana blackened pizza.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* but we'll smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for You room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Hurry up, winslow. I don't Like to be kept waiting.

Promise you won't laugh?

You have my word As an officer and a gentleman.

Mmm...Hmm...Hmm. Hmm hmm.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

You promised me You wouldn't laugh.

I had my fingers Crossed, ma'am.

Whoo! Ooh.

You're beautiful When you're angry.

Okay, that's it.

As of now, I am un-volunteering For this operation.

Fine, winslow. You want to be a sergeant

For the rest Of your life. That it?

Well, no--

Listen up.

Some lowlife Mugged the wife

Of our beloved Police chief.

Now, if we capture That lowlife,

How do you think our beloved Police chief will reward us?

With a promotion?

That's the least we can Expect from that old rummy.

Well, let's get This over with.

May I?

I'll put my face On in the car.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Allow me, babe.

Don't you even Think about it.

Rachel? Yes, sweetie.

Have you checked out The guy at table four?

6'2", tweed jacket, Gold watch, no wedding ring,

Small scar on chin?

That's him.

Hardly noticed him.

Right. Well, he asked To see the manager.

Oh, no. What's wrong?

He didn't say, But when you go over there

Check out His dimples when he chews.

I'm the manager, sir. Is there a problem?

As a matter of fact, There is.

I've got this delicious Dinner here,

And I have to eat it Alone unless--

Would you join me?

Well...

It's the after-school rush,

And as you can see I'm really very, very--

Sure.

Vonda mahoney!

In the flesh.

And, oh, What flesh it is!

What are you Going to do, eddie?

I'm gonna put The moves on vonda.

Word is she's fast.

I could beat her.

Those high heels Would slow her down.

No, man. Guys who go out With vonda get instant reps.

We'd be studs Instead of what we are.

You know...

Virgins?

Hi, vonda.

Can I buy you a soda, A burger, a motor home?

That's a great line. Thanks.

Now go away.

Why? What's wrong?

I got a "D" on My algebra test this morning

If I can't get at least a "B" On the midterm, I'm gonna flunk.

Maybe I can help you out.

Really?

You any good at algebra?

Ha ha ha! Oh, please.

Does this look like the body Of a guy who's good at algebra?

Then, how can you help?

I know the smartest kid In school he got me

Through math, I'm sure He could do the same for you.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Um, if you can Get him to tutor me,

I'll be very... Grateful to you.

Very grateful?

Very, very...

Grateful.

Kee hee hee.

Excuse me.

Ow! What'd I do? What'd I do?

Steve...

I need your help.

Now, eddo, I'm busy, And I don't--

Whoa, mama!

That's vonda mahoney. She's flunking algebra.

If you tutor her And she passes,

She'll go out With me.

Gotcha. And what's In it for the steverino?

Friendship. We'll be best buddies.

Really?

Even when other People are around?

Well, that's Asking a lot.

Okay.

Oh!

Excuse me, greg. I gotta go help my help.

Oh, too bad. I wasn't Done flirting.

Well, neither was I.

Is that my check?

No, your meal's On the house.

That's my phone number.

You know, harriette

I've been parading Around in this get-up

For a whole month now,

And I haven't attracted One single sleaze ball.

To tell you the truth, Carl, I'm not surprised.

What's that Supposed to mean?

Isn't the object to look as Much as possible like a woman?

Well, of course!

There might be a small problem With your moustache.

Oh, no, no, no.

The police chief's wife has A bigger moustache than me.

I don't know. Apparently, This guy is hot for hair.

No, it's...

Something else Must be wrong.

There is.

Carl...

You don't Walk like a woman.

You walk like A linebacker.

Oh, and I suppose that you Know how to walk like a woman?

I've had a few years' Experience.

Watch me close.

Mm-hmm. See, A woman is daintier,

More feminine.

She...

Glides.

Hey, you are good.

I know.

Let me try. Okay.

Slower, carl, slower.

Huh? Slower, baby.

Okay. Slower.

Okay. Slower.

Left to right. Left to right.

Oh, we're cooking With grease now, baby.

Look at me, now!

Sweetheart, I don't know If I'll catch a mugger,

But I sure needed A good laugh this morning.

Oh, unhand her, madam!

Steve, Take it easy.

Laura, how can you be So blase about this?

My god, girl, you've been Watching too much geraldo.

Steve...

It's me, carl.

Oh...

Oh...Oh!

Steve, relax. I'm working undercover.

I'm a mugging decoy.

Boy, that's A big relief.

I need the car tonight, I'll have to drive you.

Okay, honey.

Wait a minute, Sweetheart, that's my bag.

Oh, excuse me.

Watch out, now. Easy, easy, carl!

I've got it now, Babe. I won't fall.

Come on. Come on, now.

Steve! Steve!

At your service.

I passed my algebra exam,

And it was thanks To you and your tutoring.

Oh, congratulations. You deserve most of the credit.

Your own brain Got you there.

I just pointed it In the right direction.

Well, I still want To thank you, steve.

Oh, you're welcome.

No, you don't understand. I want to really thank you.

Oh, you're really Welcome.

Ahem.

No, no, um, You don't understand.

There's A certain way

That I show My gratitude.

Oh?

Well, I am partial To cheese.

No, no. I was thinking We could go out on a date.

A date? Mm-hmm.

Ooh, with--with me? Mm-hmm.

Ooh, a date date? Mm-hmm.

Ooh, with me! Mm-hmm.

Steve!

Steve! Huh? Huh?

Are you okay? Oh...Oh. Oh, I'm fine!

I'm fine! I'm fine!

I am calm, I am cool,

And I am collected. Hmm, see?

I'm making you Nervous, aren't I?

Oh, just a little!

Now, look, vonda, I'm overwhelmed

By your generous Offer,

But I'm afraid I'm gonna have To turn you down.

Why? Oh, you're good.

Steve, don't you Understand

That one date With me is gonna Change your entire life?

Oh...

Well, how, exactly?

Well, don't some of the kids Think that you're, uh...

Well, what's the word I'm looking for?

The word is nerd. Yeah.

Well, after you Go out with me,

Your rep would change. You'd become a... Ladies' man.

Yeah.

Wow.

From dud to stud.

Oh! He's coming! He's coming! Oh, my god!

Steve urkel Is coming!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Ah!

Yo, girls, Sweat patrol.

I'd give anything To be like Steve urkel.

Face it, eddie. There can only be one Steve urkel in this world.

And steve urkel Is one of 'em.

Oh!

Laura, I saved my best Perspiration for you.

Care to mop my brow?

Forget it.

No sweat, my pet.

In your dreams.

Hey, this is My dream!

Well, then, not even In your dreams.

I can't believe this.

I'm being rejected In my own fantasy.

Steve...Steve?

Oh...Oh.

Vonda, sit down a sec. Now we need to talk.

About what?

Well, About reputations.

Now we'll start with mine.

Now I wouldn't be comfortable Being a ladies' man.

I just wanna be One lady's man.

Laura, right? Yes, indeed.

And, now if I have the Reputation of being a nerd,

Well, that makes No never mind to me,

Because I like myself.

Hmm. Well, good for you. I'm glad.

Now, um, you have A reputation, too, Don't you?

I don't know.

Well, some of the guys In school

Say that you're, um, Well, that you're, um...

[sighs] Easy?

Yeah. That's it.

Hey, steve,

I want to be Popular, okay?

But, vonda, You're terrific.

You're pretty, You're smart and you're nice.

You don't have To be easy to be popular.

But I want guys To like me.

They will. But first You have to like yourself.

Now...

Do you like Yourself?

Not always.

Well, You can change that.

But I'm supposed To go out

With eddie winslow Tomorrow night.

Steve, He's expecting me

To be very, Very grateful.

Oh, pish tosh.

Eddie is my best bud,

And he happens to be A true gentleman.

Eddie winslow?

I guarantee you.

He will be the first

To congratulate you On your new life.

Actually, He'll be the second one.

Congratulations, vonda.

Oh, gosh, I'm telling you,

I never knew that Hockey could be So much fun.

There's always Great action On the ice.

Yeah. Hey, Now--now, what were The players doing

When they weren't Punching, gouging

And slapping each other With those sticks?

Oh, that? That was hockey!

Get out of here!

You sure could get rid Of all your aggressions.

Oh, yeah. It's a terrific game. Yeah.

Thanks for another Great evening, greg.

My pleasure. Rachel, I think you're terrific.

In fact, so is Your whole family.

They're good, solid, Salt-of-the-earth People.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, greg, hey, rachel. Great news.

I got mugged! Ha ha ha ha!

Harriette is Gonna be so proud!

Hey, honey, sweetheart, It worked!

Hey, harriette!

Yeah, We're good, solid,

Salt-of-the-earth People.

Well...

Well...

Goodnight, greg.

Goodnight, rachel.

Look, why don't you Call me tomorrow, okay?

[sighs]

Okay.

Rachel, I need To know something.

We've gone out Several times now,

And I think we're good For each other.

Well, I think so, Too, greg.

You do? Then Why do I feel

You're always Backing away from me?

Uh, I--I don't think I'm--

Rachel, I'd like For this relationship To go somewhere.

But if you're not Ready for that,

Well, I'd like for you To let me know now.

That way we don't Waste each other's time.

I am ready For a relationship.

Oh?

Then why are You still wearing Your wedding ring?

I'll call you Tomorrow.

Sleep tight.

You, too.

Oh, hi, eddo. Hi, vonda.

Hey, steve. Doesn't vonda Look great?

Oh, yes, as usual.

I just picked vonda up. We're gonna grab a bite,

Then it's right Back to vonda's.

Her parents aren't home.

Hey, here's a thought-- Let's get the food to go.

Vonda, did you Tell eddo The good news?

What good news? The good news Ain't happened yet.

Uh, eddie, Steve and I Had a nice talk,

And, uh, he Helped me realize

That I don't Have to be easy To be popular.

You don't?

No, I don't. So from now on

I'm not Even gonna kiss On the first date.

Thanks to steve, I have respect For myself now.

That's great.

Excuse us.

Eddo? Is there A problem, eddo?

What's the matter? Eddo? Ooh! Ooh! Eddo, choking.

Hi, everybody.

Hey! Hi.

Sweetie, I got My commendation

For catching The mugger.

Oh, carl, That's great!

But lt. Murtagh is jealous. What?

He says he won't Rest until he gets A commendation, too.

Winslow!

Winslow, hurry up, Will you?

The clock is ticking On this 18-hour girdle.

After you, babe.

Don't even Think about it.