Original subtitles

Laura, my fragile flower,

You smell especially Fragrant today.

I do? Oh, yes.

What is it that sends My nostrils Into overdrive...

Arpege, chanel, Shalimar?

Sweet and Sour meat loaf.

Ah, yes.

Only you can Enhance the aroma Of old meat.

Eddie, look.

Uh-oh. It's the dragons.

Table.

Oh, my!

A building With hair!

Table for seven, Geek.

Oh, okay Coming right up--

And that's Mr. Geek.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Excuse me, Do you have a name Or just a zip code?

Osgood.

Osgood? Oh, that's A great name...

If you're a duck.

[snorting]

Steve, are you okay?

Not really. I fell On my house keys.

Why don't you guys Haul it out of here?

And if we don't?

Then I'll Have to get...

Tough.

What's going on here?

Well, hello.

My name is chain.

Chain?

Chain what?

Just chain. You know, like sting, Gerardo, or madonna.

Sometimes one name Says it all.

Yeah, like jerk.

Oh, man.

Hey, you got spunk. Do you wanna go out With me sometime?

Nope.

I wasn't talking To you.

Do you wanna Go out? No.

See?

Come on. Let's go To a movie.

Don't touch me! Come on, baby.

You slapped my hand.

The lady asked Not to be touched.

I do what I want, When I want,

And you can't Stop me.

Okay

I was hoping it wouldn't Come to violence...

But there's Only one thing

Brutes, bullies, And neanderthals Understand--

And that's Fists o' fire!

Hey, what are You doing?

Unhand me! Put me down!

What is going on Out here?

Well, well, well. Hey, babe.

Another nice chick. Yeah.

Old, but good legs.

Look, I want you To get out--

Old?

Do you Own this place?

Yes. And I don't want People like you in here.

So get lost.

What?

You heard the lady. Get lost!

You're Standing up To me?

That's right. So am I!

And so is My friend waldo.

Right, waldo?

Waldo?

Anybody seen waldo?

You see, you people Are rude.

You shouldn't be Rude to a customer,

'cause something bad Might happen.

Hey!

Oops-- An accident.

I want you to get out Of here before I call The police.

That's more rudeness.

Guys, do you feel Another accident Coming on?

Yes, we do.

1...

2... No.

3-- Hold it!

Is there A problem here, Fellas?

No, it's no problem. We were just Leaving, officer.

Well, leaving's A very, very good thing...

But, you know...

Never coming back Is an even better thing.

Wait a minute.

Did you break That glass?

Pay the lady.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, don't Come back either. Go get a haircut.

Yeah, Brush your teeth.

Then they picked up The dishes and chairs.

They wanted to Destroy my restaurant.

No place is safe anymore.

That's when daddy walked in And saved the day.

Yes. Chicago's finest.

I wish I were there. I would've given those punks A kung fu sandwich.

Hiya!

Hiya!

Ha!

Hiya!

Attaway, richie.

You would've absolutely Shattered their kneecaps.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Oh, hi, carl.

What?

Oh, my god.

Well, when did This happen?

Alright, We'll be right down.

Harriette, What's wrong?

The dragons just Trashed your restaurant.

I got to get Down there right away.

Excuse me, honey.

Wait, laura.

Now, this ugly incident May be too grizzly

For your delicate eyes To behold.

Move it or lose it.

My restaurant.

Oh, my poor restaurant.

Rachel, I'm sorry.

We didn't get here In time to catch them In the act.

Look at this.

They sure left Their calling card.

The whole place Is ruined.

Carl, can't you Arrest these guys?

Yes. We can, And we will,

Good.

But two hours later, The dragons will be Back on the street.

What? Why?

Because every gangbanger Will produce 10 people

Who'll say they were Someplace else When this happened.

These hoodlums can do whatever They want and get away with it?

I wouldn't go That far.

I would.

Eddie!

No, eddie!

Eddie!

Edward, Who did this to you?

The dragons.

How did this happen?

I was walking home,

Suddenly, eight of them Jumped out from behind A volkswagen minibus.

Cowards! They disgrace The word fahrvergnugen.

Honey, are you okay? Does anything feel broken?

No. It hurts a little,

But only wimps Give in to pain.

Come on, sweetie. Let me get you home.

I'll put Some antiseptic On those cuts.

Mom, That stuff stings!

Oh, come on, baby.

Well, laura...

Let's get this place Cleaned up.

How long do you think It'll take us?

If we start now and Work through the night,

About two years.

Big guy, you okay?

No. I want revenge.

You can't. You're a cop.

I'm a father first.

Wait. Wait. I said wait.

What is it?

Well...

Now you're upset And with good reason,

But if you go Dragon bashing,

They'll scream Police brutality,

And you'll Lose your job.

Steve, you're saying I should Forget what they did to my son?

No. I know a way To get the dragons

And you can still Keep your badge.

What is it?

Well, suppose we can get Hard evidence

To prove the dragons Were responsible For this.

That way, no one Could lie to save them.

Well, how do you suppose We get this hard evidence?

Wire me, big guy.

I'm going in.

Steve.

I wish you'd let me Talk you out of this.

I still think This is too dangerous.

Bull puckey!

Why, danger's My middle name.

And besides, You guys will be Listening to every word.

So if I get Into trouble,

You'll just rush in and Yank my bacon Out of the fire.

Alright, men. Listen up. Here's my plan.

We'll be in a van At the end of the alley By the brown lake.

Sir, that's A coffee stain.

Thank you, Sergeant.

You're welcome, sir.

Never correct me In front of the kid.

Gentlemen...

Our neighborhood Has been stolen from us.

Tonight...

We take it back.

Tonight...

The dreaded dragons face Steven q. Urkel...

Better known as...

The urk man!

[arguing]

Alright!

Shut up!

We're going to Put this to a vote.

Who wants to go To the movie

And then rob them?

Yeah.

Alright.

Who wants to go bowling And then rob them?

Yes, that's it Right there!

Bowling it is.

Yo!

Nervous, huh?

Well, I'd jump, too, If I saw me coming.

Love what you've done With the place.

You got five seconds To tell me

Why I shouldn't Stuff you In a dumpster.

Gentlemen, rejoice. I'm here to join.

Wait a minute. I know you.

You're that nerd From the burger joint.

That's my day job.

By night, I'm urk man...

A deranged, antisocial, Bloodthirsty psycho!

What are you looking at?

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Yeah.

You're pretty Tough, huh?

Yeah, I'm tough.

Well, how tough?

Well, when I was born...

Yeah. And the doctor Slapped me,

Yeah. I shot him!

That's tough, Man.

Aah!

Sorry, it's just something About those cheese puffs.

Now where was I?

Oh, yeah. How tough am I?

Yeah, well, I also do My own dental work.

Oh.

And I've been known To return videotapes

Without rewinding.

Hey, chain, you want me To hit this punk?

Try me, chunky trunks.

But it's only fair To warn you

That I'm a black belt In karate.

I used to practice In the sahara forest.

The sahara Is a desert.

Oh, sure... And now.

Ha!

[steve] Alright. Let's talk membership.

Do you need a letter Of recommendation From my previous gang?

[chain] Sit down!

I got to give steve credit. They haven't killed him yet.

Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah.

Winslow, Check these out.

What?

Trick handcuffs.

They look exactly Like regulation cuffs.

Sir...

Shouldn't we be paying More attention To steve's transmission?

If he needs us, He'll scream.

You know What's beautiful About these guys?

They're great Ice breakers At singles bars.

Sir, we're on duty.

This is no time For fooling around.

Well, excuse me, Sergeant killjoy.

Where's the key For these?

There isn't one. You just tap them On a certain spot.

Watch.

Ow!

Wrong spot.

Ow!

Ow!

I think these babies Are defective.

Good thing I kept the receipt.

Would you Get these off?

I see someone's mighty good With a spray can.

Yeah.

I'm an artiste.

Did you do That great dragon At rachel's place?

Yeah. Did you see that?

I was gonna have it In this lake of fire,

But I thought it was Too derivative and trite.

Absolutely. Oh, and Kudos to you on The great job you did

On smashing up the place.

Well, thank you. I can't take All the credit.

The guys here helped. We're like a family.

It's nice that you Do things together.

Yeah. Yeah.

Were you together when you Beat up the winslow kid?

Yeah. It was a team effort.

You talk too much. Get up!

Why? I'm comfy.

I been thinking. Something Doesn't add up.

What might that be?

I've seen Two versions of you--

A wimpy little nerd And this.

So, I ask myself,

Which one is The real one,

And I don't think It's this.

Nice earring.

Ow!

Lucky for you That was a clip-on.

So then I ask myself, If this is just an act,

Why are you really here?

Oh. Come up With an answer?

It occurs to me That you Could be wired.

Oh, no!

I may have taken A sip of mom's coffee--

I'm talking about The other kind of wire!

Enough!

You're Abso-tootle-lutely Right...

Chain.

I am wired, and I've Got the blitherings

Of that picasso pinhead On tape.

So come on and get them, Big guy!

It's time to collect The garbage.

Well, come on, carl. Don't dawdle!

We've got to Get these off now!

Chain, I'm not Wearing a wire.

I was lying.

Oh!

How'd that get there?

Forget it, lieutenant. We're going in now!

Yeah, but..

[whining]

Calm down!

[whining]

I said calm down.

Freeze! Police!

Drop the knife.

I said Drop the knife.

And hands off the nerd.

What in sam hill Took you guys So long?

We had to be... Really, really sure.

Really sure.

10 more seconds And I would've been A steve kebab.

You did real good, steve. I'm proud of you.

Gee, thanks, big guy.

Now let's cuff these Bohunks and feed them to The paddy wagon.

No cuffs. No cuffs.

Fellas, we're going Outside now.

Keep your hands Where I can see them.

Alright. One at a time.

See the officers Outside.

Let's go. Keep it moving.

Keep it moving, come on.

Pick up the pace, Mr. Backwards hat.

Hey...

You guys are so casual And nonchalant.

Hey, we're professionals.

A toast.

To rachel's place!

Back and Better than ever.

Right on.

Thank you. I want to tell you How much I appreciate

The way you all helped me Clean this place up.

Oh, rachel, We're family,

And we don't expect To be charged for this food.

Oh, wait a minute. One more toast.

To the young man who helped Put the dragons away For a long time--

Steven urkel.

Yes!

Oh, thanks, big guy.

May I draw your attention To the menu

And the new urkel sandwich?

Yeah, it's a hero sandwich, But it's mostly baloney.