Original subtitles

[whistling]

Ahh.

Hi, uncle carl.

Herro, richie.

Can I have a doughnut, too?

Doughnut?

Come on, uncle carl, the day You eat oat bran

Is the day They make me pope.

Sure.

Help yourself.

If you want glazed, They're in the granola box.

Uncle carl, Will you sponsor me In a bike-athon?

It's for a good cause.

Well, sure.

Oh...

How's, um... 5 bucks?

How about 500?

$10. 200.

15, and I won't Tell your mother

Who put the frog In her underwear Drawer.

Make it 20, and I won't Tell aunt harriette

Where you Hide the doughnuts.

Deal.

I always enjoy Giving to charity.

Well, it's not Exactly charity.

Oh? Then what's The good cause?

It's 'cause I need a new bike.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* when the days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for the gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as the days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Steve! Oh! Hey, ed-o.

What are you doing Skulking behind that door?

Isn't there Somebody else You can annoy?

Sorry. It's your turn. Heh heh heh.

[snorts]

Hey, want to join me In a little Hoop du jour?

Can't, dude.

Well, why not?

It would Hurt my reputation.

As a starting forward On the school team,

It's my duty To play round ball, Not nerd ball.

But I've been practicing, And my progress is impressive,

Even if I do Say so myself.

Since nobody will play with me, I have to say so myself.

I'll take your word.

You won't have to.

You'll see me in action While trying out For the team.

What?

Steve, that's A big mistake.

You'll never Make the team.

But, eddie, I'm good.

Hey, big guy.

Don't start with me. I'm in no mood for you.

Ah, cranky.

Perhaps you need to visit Old mr. Laxative.

What I need Is a new boss.

Lieutenant murtaugh Is driving me nuts.

He talked me Into car pooling.

He said it would Save us money.

Well, it would.

But he always has Some lame excuse,

And I have to drive.

So far, the only Money we've been saving Is murtaugh's.

Well, what's His excuse today?

He can't shift Because he got His sleeve caught

In his electric tie rack, And he almost Slapped himself to death.

Sheesh.

Hey, don't scoff.

Freak accidents Do happen.

Don't I know it?

I got An uncle dirk urkel

Who was blessed with A 2-foot-long nose hair.

Well,

He got it trapped In the rear door of a buick

And was dragged 8 1/2 blocks.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, sugar. Hi, sweetie.

Am I old enough To see that?

I don't think I'm old enough To see that.

Could you sign This permission slip?

I want to be A cheerleader.

I know what you're thinking

All the other cheerleaders Are juniors and seniors And I'm a freshman, but--

Laura, please, You're a shoo-in.

After all, You're my niece,

And that means Cheerleading is In your blood.

Tell me more.

Don't worry, she will.

I was so gifted That when I graduated,

They retired My pom-poms.

They had to. They were starting to sag.

Excuse me?

Laura...

If you don't make The cheerleading squad,

You'll end up crying Yourself to sleep Night after night.

You don't have to Worry about me.

I don't? How come?

I tried out This afternoon And I made it.

Yes! Alright!

That is my niece!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Alright.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

Listen up, gentlemen. Listen up.

Yo!

Now, I ask you, What is a muskrat?

A large aquatic rodent!

Well, yeah...

But what is A vanderbilt muskrat?

A physically overdeveloped, Mentally deficient High school student!

What's your name?

Urkel, sir. Steven q.

What kind of a name Is urkel sir Steven q? Dutch?

Uh...Yeah.

Relax. Don't try so hard.

Yes, sir.

Alright. Let's see What you kids can do.

[blows whistle]

Uh, coach? What do you want?

Well, I've never tried out For athletics before.

The equipment list said Guys should wear a cup.

That's right.

I didn't have one, So is it alright with you,

I'm wearing A bart simpson mug.

Could I have the ball, Please? Ball?

My turn. Guys, guys, guys?

Right here. Don't forget me.

I'm open, guys. Guys, guys, hey!

Hey, move it!

Hustle it up, fellas!

Would somebody Pass me the ball?

Alright!

First thing Tomorrow morning, Check the bulletin board

And find out If you're a muskrat.

[blows whistle]

Alright. Yeah.

Uh, coach? Coach?

Ah, the dutchman.

What's the matter, Did you break your mug?

No, it's just That no one would Pass me the ball,

And I'm really, Really good.

Look, kid...

You're not A basketball player.

Well, why not?

In short... You're short.

But you do have spunk,

And that's one of The two main ingredients For a good equipment manager.

Oh, and what's The other Main ingredient?

A high Humiliation tolerance.

Listen up, men.

Say hello to our new Equipment manager.

Ready...Okay.

Bing! Bang! Bong!

Tilt!

We can't lose, We're vanderbilt!

Alright! Wooh! Wooh!

How rousing!

I wrote that cheer In 1947,

And it still makes me Want to shake my booty!

Alright!

Oh, miss gherkin, You crack me up. Ha!

And... And, cassie lynn,

You're doing A wonderful job With the girls.

Thank you, Miss gherkin.

I do try To keep the girls On their toes.

It shows, cassie lynn.

I made some new cheers. Can I show them to you?

Laura, Show them to me.

Miss gherkin's too busy To listen to your Little cheers.

Yes, show them to cassie.

Hey.

Listen, freshman, Don't you ever Do that again.

What?

I'm the squad's captain. I decide what cheers we do.

I know, but aren't Our cheers a little Old-fashioned?

Oh, and you think You're so hip, You little geek?

I was just thinking We could try Something new.

By the way, If you ever Call me geek again,

You'll be digesting Those pom-poms.

What a thug.

Come on, girls.

Hey, if anybody wants To go to rachel's place. It's my treat.

Great. Let's go.

Girls, girls... She's a freshman.

Oh.

Sorry, laura.

Hello, steve?

Yes, I actually Called you.

Uh, steve, steve, Stop cheering.

I got a problem, And believe it or not,

The only person Who might understand is you.

I'm almost tempted To ask you to come over

So I can talk to you About it.

Oh.

Hi, baby cakes.

What's with the apron?

Oh, I was washing The basketball team's Uniforms.

You have to do The team's laundry?

Affirmative.

They have to be Static free And squeaky clean

For the big game Tomorrow Against willow glen.

Oh. Steve, sit down. I want to talk to you About something.

You mean you really do Want to talk to me?

I'm all ears, Little lady.

Okay, here goes.

Well, wouldn't You say I've been...

Popular, I guess?

Part of The in crowd?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Well, I'm not popular With the cheerleaders.

They treat me like dirt Because I'm a freshman.

They're mean to me. They make fun of me.

They...They...

They treat you The way people treat me?

Yeah. How do you Stand it, steve?

Well, I just don't Let it bother me.

You mean laughing on the outside While you're crying inside?

No way. Why, if you cry On the inside,

Sooner or later Your insides mildew.

Then how Do you hide the hurt?

You don't.

I've learned that if you Fill your heart with hope,

There won't be Any room for hurt.

Look, I tried out For the basketball team,

And I ended up being Equipment manager.

But do you see me sulking And moaning?

No.

Of course not. I do that in private.

I've decided to be The best darn Equipment manager

That's ever Managed equipment,

And maybe next year I'll make the team.

Yeah. I'll try to be The best cheerleader Possible.

And maybe next year They'll lemme show them My new cheers.

Atta way, laura.

You know, I actually feel better.

Now, steve...

I'm going to Tell you something,

But I don't want you To over exaggerate Its importance

Or read more into it Than really is there.

Oh, don't worry, I won't.

Thanks for the talk.

You love me, Don't you?

Let's support our team. We're cheerleaders, remember?

Oh, shut up.

I only cheer At sporting events. This is a blood bath.

Psst!

Lieutenant...

What are-- What are you Doing here?

Rooting for My old alma mater-- Willow glen.

What did you get Your letter for, home ec.?

Football, sir. All-conference.

I figured your school Is good at cooking.

They're not good At basketball.

The game's not over yet.

Oh!

Here. Alright. I got you.

Oop!

Oof!

Ooh!

Downey, Go in for sanders.

Aren't we running out Of players?

We sure are, honey.

Whenever the crowd Goes "Aw," We lose another guy.

If they go "Aw" Once more,

We'll have to Forfeit the game.

[blows whistle]

Aw! Aw! Aw!

Come on, sit him Down on the floor.

Sit him down.

Well, men, we made A valiant effort,

But it looks like Willow glen has found Our one weak spot.

W-what's that, coach?

Basketball.

We only have four Uninjured players,

So I'll tell the ref We're throwing in The towel.

Wait, coach. Put me in.

What?

Have you been Sniffing liniment?

No, coach, Really, I'm good.

Urkel, You're not going in.

Coach, if you Forfeit the game,

They might fire you.

Urkel, you're going in.

Okay, go.

Go on. Come on.

They're sending Steve in.

They're sending in That urkel kid.

What?

We've got Cheerleaders Taller than him.

Time out! Time out!

[blows whistle]

Give me a "V!"

"V!" "V!"

You got your "V,"

Give me an "H!"

"H!" "H!"

You got your "H,"

Give me an "S!"

"S!" "S!"

You got your "S," Now hush!

You don't want None of us!

Do ya, do ya?

Do ya, do ya?

Do ya, do ya?

No, I don't think so!

Wooh! Alright!

Defense, defense, Defense, defense, defense!

Wooh! Wooh!

Give me a "V!"

"V!" "V!"

You got your "V,"

Give me an "H!"

"H!" "H!"

You got your "H," Gimme an "S!"

"S!" "S!

You got your "S," Now hush!

You don't want None of us!

Do ya, do ya?

Do ya, do ya?

Do ya, do ya?

No, I don't think so!

Defense, defense, defense, Defense, defense!

Wooh! Wooh!

Steve, steve, Steve, steve!

Steve, steve, Steve, steve!

Steve, steve, Steve, steve!

Steve, steve, Steve, steve!

Steve, steve, Steve, steve!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Steve, you were right. Anything's possible.

Will you marry me? Except that.