Original subtitles

Laura... The most beautiful Sister in the world.

Forget it, eddie.

The laura savings And loan is closed.

Laura, that's cold.

I gave you A compliment,

And you give Back an insult.

I'm sorry, eddie. I didn't mean To hurt your feelings.

That's better.

So can I borrow 50 bucks?

What happened? Another speeding ticket?

No.

They got me on some Obscure technicality.

Did you know They expect you

To stop at a stop sign Every single time?

Sorry, I can't help you, eddie. I'm saving up for a computer.

That's just like you...

To think Only of yourself.

Good news! I'm here.

Ooh.

Steve, I realize

People ask you this Every day of your life,

But why do you Look like that?

I've been working In my basement nonstop,

And I decided it was time For a fish stick break.

Mmm.

Now that's flounder.

Want a bite?

Steve, you're supposed To cook those.

And lose that wonderful Ocean taste?

So, you still Trying to perfect

Those radio-controlled Garbage cans?

Not since I had to pick mom Up at the dump.

I'm working On something more Important now--

A robot.

I've entered The national Robotics contest.

I'm on the verge of Creating artificial Intelligence.

It's a discovery That will Change the world.

Steve...

Bud, pal, amigo, Compadre, homeboy...

Does this contest Have cash prizes?

Nope. First prize Is a computer.

Oh.

Computer?

Did you say "Computer"?

Oh, yeah. Top-of-the-line, State-of-the-art.

If you win That computer,

Could I borrow It sometime?

Oh, pshaw.

I already Have a computer.

I got a used one From nasa.

My uncle colonel werner Von urkel gave it to me.

If I win the computer,

You can just have The silly old thing.

Oh, steve! Thank you!

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

I--I better Get back to the l-l-lab.

I'm together now.

I'll be leaving.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts And opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Okay, let's see. Six words...

"If blank could Blank blank now."

Oh, I give up. It's too hard.

Um, "If they could See me now."

Yep. Shirley maclaine In sweet charity.

Very good.

Now beat it.

They watch Too much tv.

Ooh, mother winslow, Is that a new dress?

Yep.

Oh, It is gorgeous.

Oh, glad you like it.

It was so expensive...

I had to write you Out of my will.

Wai-ub-ub-ub-ub--

Thup-thup-thup- Thup-thup.

Where you going?

I'm going dancing With fletcher thomas.

Again?

Mama, that's twice In one week.

So?

Mother, I just plain don't Like that fletcher guy.

I see how He looks at you When you walk by.

Really?

Oh, that walk you Showed me is paying off.

Go ahead, honey. Strut your stuff.

Flip those hips.

Step and sway. Step and sway.

Got to take His breath away.

Oh, great. Terrific.

My wife And my sister-in-law

Are giving my mother Floozy lessons.

Carl, I'm 80 years old, And fletcher is 83.

We're spending A lot of time together

Because we don't have A lot of time left.

And that's it, mom?

Oh, no...

We also get Two-for-one discounts

For the hot tub club.

Mother.

Ooh. Well, well. The paper's not here yet.

Mother...

It is 6:15 In the morning.

Where were you?

I was at fletcher's.

What? Was he there?

Oh, was he ever.

Mama!

Oh, lighten up.

Okay, mother, That is it.

I don't want you to see That fletcher ever again.

What?

You heard me. He is off-limits.

Carl, I'm your mother.

But, mama--

You show me respect!

But, mama--

I know you're stubborn As a mule,

But you don't have To act like a jackass!

Waldo, my traffic ticket Has to be paid tomorrow,

Or I could lose my license.

You think you could borrow the Money from your sister?

Sorry. My family Is saving up

To send My brother reynaldo To the olympics.

Oh. What's his event?

You mean you have to Pick one ahead of time?

Well, that's usually The way it works.

Oh, he was just go to barcelona And get in the shortest line.

Have you Seen laura?

Nope.

Sure you have.

Pretty girl, Dark hair...

Your sister, For god's sakes.

I meant I haven't Seen her today.

Oh...Cool.

Well, come on. I got To show you guys something.

Gentlemen, Allow me to present

An unparalleled Electronic achievement.

The one, the only...

Urkelbot!

Wow! You invented robonerd.

Does he move?

Does he move?

Well...

[gears whir]

Hello.

What A lovely house.

Did I do that?

Gee, this is incredible! How are you controlling it?

Ah, now, that's the beauty part.

You see, I'm not.

Urkelbot has Artificial intelligence.

And that means he can walk And think all by himself.

I was created By the handsome, Intelligent, sexy

Steven q. Urkel.

He worships me.

He's learning at An incredible rate.

By my calculations,

His Intelligence doubles Every 20 minutes.

Every 18 minutes And 35 seconds, To be exact.

Show-off.

Hey, guys, I--

Whoa, mama.

Laura my luscious lilly. This is urkelbot.

Steve you did it. You built a robot.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

He talks and Everything.

You're a cinch To win first prize.

And you'll get your Computer, babycakes.

Urkelbot's kind of cute.

And you, my dear,

Are a sight for Sore optical scanners.

Have you And steven q. Urkel

Formed a human Emotional attachment?

What?

Are you hot For each other's bods?

No! Yes!

I think I'm in love.

How about a kiss?

Steve, that hunk of metal Just made a pass at me.

I'm sorry, laura.

I'll reprogram him Immediately.

Good. This is too weird.

Wow. A robot That chases after girls.

Yeah. We're Being replaced By machines, man.

Urkelbot, I'm afraid I'm going To have to turn you off.

I don't think so.

Hyah!

[gears wind down]

Ohh.

Boy, that Was a close one.

Yeah.

[clump]

[gears whir]

Gotcha.

But...But I flipped Your "Off" switch.

Yeah? Well, I bypassed That circuit.

"Off" is for losers.

I'm an "On" kind of guy.

Oh, laura.

Wait! Wait!

Laura's my girl.

Ha! I will not rest Until she is mine.

Now you Listen to me, bub.

I am your creator,

And I am the boss Around here.

Not anymore.

This is war, Nerd-boy.

Now, listen mother.

I'm afraid I have To lay down the law.

No more fletcher thomas.

No more discussion.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.. Don't argue with me.

I have spoken.

Mother.

What is it, carl?

Would you please come And take a seat?

I have something To say to you.

Yes?

I'm sorry, mommy.

Oh, baby, Come here.

Oh, There, there, Baby doll.

I hate it when You're mad at me.

I don't know Why I'm so crazed About you two.

You don't?

Well, it's just that When he looks at you,

It's obvious that he really Likes you and respects you.

How can you trust A man like that?

Carl, let me Ask you something.

Did you Trust your father?

Absolutely.

Everybody did.

My father was the finest man Who ever walked this earth.

Yes, he was.

And that's why I chose him.

And, I might add, I had plenty To choose from.

I was a knockout, honey.

Well, ma...

Mm-hmm?

You still Are a knockout.

Son, if I had The good taste to Choose your father,

Shouldn't you trust My judgment now?

Huh?

Yes, mama.

Well, then, Come here and hug me.

I love you, You little devil.

I'm sorry, mom.

[crack]

[knock on door]

* who is it? *

It's me, laura.

Steve?

Steve?

Where's steve?

That scrawny human With the big feet?

Yeah. Where is he?

Who in sam hill cares?

I do. He just Called and asked Me to come over.

He said it was a matter Of life and death.

That wasn't steve.

That was me.

I can do anyone.

[as carl] Steve, go home.

[as harriette] Steve, go home.

[as eddie] Steve, go home.

[as laura] Steve, go home.

[as elvis] * well, since My baby left me *

* I found a new place To dwell *

* well, it's down At the end Of lonely street *

* at heartbreak hotel *

Okay, hold it.

I want to know Where steve is.

Forget steve.

He was inferior.

I am superior. You will marry me,

And we will Function happily Ever after.

Come on, baby. Let's energize.

Help!

Laura, is that you?

Steve, where are you?

In the closet.

No, I'm not.

I'm...In new york On a business trip.

Steve, are you okay?

No. This closet Doesn't have A bathroom.

Open this door Right now.

Forget it, sugar-knees.

I'm much better looking Than that drip,

And I'm 4,000 times smarter.

Steve, how do you Cut him off?

You can't. He's out of control.

Steve, help me. He's after me!

Stand back. I'm going to break The door down.

[thud]

Ow!

Face it. You're mine.

Let go of me!

Did I do that?

That does it.

No more mr. Nicebot.

Steve, Watch out.

That thing Is crazy.

Stay back!

Go to your room! I'm your father!

Don't you sass me!

Steve, watch out!

Come on over here.

Oh, boy.

Uh-oh, co2.

Toodle-oo.

Warning-- System shutdown.

[as carl] Steve, go...

[as eddie] Steve, go...

[as elvis] * I feel so lonely I could die *

Steve, you saved me!

Thank you.

Thank you Ever so much.

Hey, no sweat, my pet.

Steve...

I want you to turn This thing into a go-cart.

But, but, all he needs Is a little reprogramming.

I'll make a few minor Adjustments to his personality Circuits.

But he was a monster.

Well, I will grant You, subtlety wasn't His strong point.

But, laura, urkelbot Was a machine With feelings.

He fell hopelessly In love with you.

So let's be honest, the only Thing he was really guilty of

Was having Good taste.

That's sweet, steve.

Well, I'm a sweet Kind of guy, laura.

And it's My fondest dream

That someday You'll realize that And marry me.

Ooh, yeah.

We'll build A clapboard house

On the banks of the Susquehanna river.

And we'll have 3.2 children And 1.7 cars.

And a kittie And a doggie.

Ooh, you'll make Lunch every day,

And I'll barbecue Every night.

And on cold nights, We'll put on our Bunny slippers

And listen to Accordion albums.

Oh, gosh, I've got to Write this down.