Original subtitles

Help! Help!

I'll take the front.

Aah!

Aah!

Yo, dad. Urkel alert.

Mm-hmm.

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Oh, joy. Look who's here-- Larry, moe, and urkel.

Laura, my little Cup o' noodles,

I have something Very exciting To show you.

Your change Of address card?

Heh heh heh heh!

[snorts]

Nope. Something Even better.

Feast your eyes On the newest edition To la familia urkel.

All the way From a south american Rain forest--

A peruvian stick bug.

Pablo!

Aah!

Girls. Girls.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, come on. Grow some guts.

That thing Is so ugly.

Shh!

Pablo's bilingual.

Excuse me, I don't wanna Hear about a bug's sex life.

Steve, why did You send away For that thing?

Well, truth is, I'm batty for bugs.

I love them.

In fact, every year I attend The entomology expo.

Pablo is A shoo-in to win "Best and most legs."

Pablo! Pablo!

He's gone! He's gone!

Help me find him!

Ugh! Ugh!

Aah!

Pablo, pablo.

Pablo. Donde ests!

[speaking in foreign language]

Carl?

Oh, my.

Carl.

Hmm?

Aah! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Aah!

Aah!

Ugh!

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Calm down, honey. Calm down.

Did you see The size of that thing?

I'll bet That's what the bug Was thinking, too.

Ooh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Aah!

Aah!

Got him.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

No!

No! No!

Ohh!

Oh, pablo.

Oh, pablo!

Who is pablo?

Him.

And him.

And--oh! And him. Oh!

How could you do this?

Steve, that thing Was staring

Right at my jugular Going like this.

He was doing The mating ritual.

Then I stopped him Just in time.

How can you be So insensitive?

Steve, it was Just a bug.

It was a special bug, And expensive to boot.

Why, pablo cost me $486 and 52 cents.

What? That's way Too much money

To spend On a dead insect.

Well, he wasn't dead Till he met you.

Don't you have Something you'd Like to say?

Yes.

Clean up that mess, And then go home.

Ugh!

Vaya con dios, compadre.

You're in a happier place now.

Where the leaves are succulent

And no one wears shoes.

Carl, come to bed. It's late.

I can't. Every time I close my eyes, I see that...

You mock the dead?

Steve, What do you want?

I thought I'd give carl one Last chance to apologize.

Oh, for pete's sake, steve, It was just a stupid bug.

We'll see If the judge thinks

It was just a stupid bug.

Judge? What judge?

I'm suing your Bug-squashing pants off.

Now, wait a minute.

Can't you Just settle this Amongst yourselves?

No! No!

Small claims court Is backed up For months.

We don't need Small claims court.

We can settle this On that tv show--

Citizen's court.

W-w-wait a minute.

Are you willing to make Fools of yourselves

On national tv?

Yes! Yes!

Just asking.

Hurry! Mom, judy, It's starting!

Mom, is uncle carl Going to jail?

No, pinhead, you don't go To jail for killing a bug.

Don't call me Names, germface.

Anything you say, Sockbreath.

I'm taking you To court.

Yeah! Yeah?

Hey!

Stop it, You two.

You're behaving Like adults.

Shh! It's starting.

This is the plaintiff-- Steven q. Urkel.

He claims the defendant Crushed his creoxylus spinosus.

He's suing for $486.52--

The value of his dead bug.

This is the defendant-- Carl winslow.

He claims--and I quote--

"For pete's sake, It was just a stupid bug."

I have read Your complaint.

All witnesses have been sworn And are under oath.

Mr. Urkel, could you Give us a brief summary

Of the facts?

Certainly, Your honor.

I brought pablo To the winslows'.

He am-scrayed, Carl found him, Freaked out, and bingo--

486 big ones On the wrong side Of his shoe.

Thank you. Mr. Winslow.

Yes. At this time, Your honor,

I'd like To exercise my right To legal representation.

Your counsel?

My daughter-- Laura winslow.

Oh!

Carl winslow, Of all the legal Chicanery!

You're using The woman I love

In a shameless Attempt to Unnerve me.

Nice strategy.

Thank you.

But it won't work.

Laura, My judicial jujube,

Today My only mistress Is the law,

So hang on To your briefs, mama.

I've inherited the wind.

[gavel pounds]

Miss winslow, Call your First witness.

Thank you, your honor. I'll call estelle winslow To the stand.

Allow me.

Now, mrs. Winslow, you Were present when the bug--

Objection! My bug Had a name, your honor.

Sustained.

You were present When the bug pablo

Stalked and attacked Your son carl?

Well, it, Um, wasn't exactly, Uh, stalking.

He was About to attack.

No, not really.

And may I add, steve Is a fine young man.

Uh, move to strike. This is a hostile witness.

Hostile wit--

It's your mother!

I guess I have No further questions.

Mr. Urkel, Cross-examine.

No need, your honor. My work's been done.

You may step down.

The defense calls Harriette winslow.

Could you tell us What line of work Your husband is in?

He's a police officer.

I see. Has he Ever overreacted

Or behaved Unprofessionally As a police officer?

Never.

In fact, he's been Awarded several Commendations.

Thank you.

Your witness.

Mrs. Winslow, Would you describe Your husband carl here

As an even-tempered man?

Well, I--

I remind you, You're under oath.

Well, I, uh...

Well, let me Ask you this.

Do you have A living room mantel

Where you keep Certain, uh, bric-a-brac?

Yes.

Isn't it true That your husband

Will often fly into An uncontrollable rage

And throw That bric-a-brac?

No, it isn't.

Isn't it true That porcelain flies In your house so often,

That your bric-a-bracs get Frequent-flyer mileage?

No!

[carl] Objection, your honor!

Order!

Order!

Be seated! Order!

Order!

Mr. Urkel...

You're out of line.

I withdraw The question, Your honor.

Nothing further.

You may step down.

Alright, young man, Call your first witness.

Your honor, I would like To call waldo faldo.

O.K., but I'm not home.

Waldo, come To the witness stand.

State your name.

Illinois.

No.

State your name,

Not name your state.

Oh. Waldo faldo.

From illinois.

Now, mr. Faldo,

Would you please Tell the court Your experiences

With pablo?

Pablo was a kind And gentle creature.

When I was with him,

I felt...

I felt...

"I felt like I was one With the beospear."

Per-per-perhaps...

Perhaps you mean Biosphere?

O.K. Cool.

Great. Nothing Further. Bye.

Not yet. Waldo, is Something written On your arm?

Only the stuff Steve told me to say.

Thank you. You may go.

No thanks. I went before I left the house.

I meant y-you May go to your seat.

Oh. Cool.

Don't gloat, dreamboat.

That ain't all she wrote.

Your honor, I would like to call My last witness--

Edward winslow.

Eddie, when you were 7, Did you have a pet?

Yeah. I had A hamster-- Mr. Fluffkins.

Do you remember One day

When mr. Fluffkins Escaped from his cage?

Uh, yeah.

Um, I was cleaning My room,

And I noticed He was gone.

Dad was in The laundry room.

He said he hadn't Seen my hamster.

And you believed him.

Well, yeah. I mean, he's my dad.

Anyway...

I started Taking clothes Out of the dryer,

And...And, um...

And...

And what, eddie?

There was mr. Fluffkins Stuck in the lint trap.

Was he...Dead?

Y-yes.

But he was Wrinkle-free and Springtime fresh.

Oh!

[sobbing]

Oh, eddie.

Now--now, I know The memory still hurts,

But I have to ask One more question.

Now, was it possible

For an itty-bitty, Little hamster

To get into A tall, big dryer

All by himself?

Or wouldn't he need A little boost?

Carl, sit down.

Sit down.

Order!

Order!

One more outburst Like that,

And I'll clear The courtroom And put on a rerun.

I rest my case, Your honor.

You may step down.

Miss winslow, do you have A closing statement?

My client Would like to speak On his own behalf.

Your honor...

Ladies and gentlemen...

It was just A stupid bug.

Thank you. Mr. Urkel.

Now, what are we Talking about here,

A bug or a friend?

Pablo was my friend,

And carl winslow Was my friend,

And, well, when carl Squished pablo...

Well, he killed Two friendships,

But one of those friendships Could have been saved

If carl here...

Well, had only found it In his heart

To say, "I'm sorry."

[gavel pounds]

I'll be back In a moment With my decision.

Uh, steve...

Yes?

Did you really mean What you said?

Did I kill Our friendship?

Well, it's definitely In intensive care.

Well, I--I didn't mean For that to happen.

Well, me neither,

But a real friend Wouldn't keep Referring to pablo

As a stupid bug.

Well, you're right. If it's important To you,

It is not A stupid bug,

So I guess it's up To me to apologize.

That's all I ever Wanted to hear.

Buds again, Big guy?

Buds again. And you know what?

I'll even buy You a new bug.

Uh, no, carl. It's too soon.

Oh.

O.K.

Well...

I have, uh, Considered this case Carefully,

And I have reached A decision.

Uh, never mind, Your honor.

Never mind?

No, sir. We've settled it Ourselves.

What?

But I'm the judge.

It's what I do. I judge things.

I--well, w-w-would you At least like to hear What I would have said?

No. No.

Thank you. Not really. It's not even necessary.

Yes! Yes!