Original subtitles

Steve?

Ooh!

Harriette.

Harriette.

No, carl. It's a week night.

Harriette, wake up.

What?

Steve urkel Just walked Into our bedroom

And bopped me With a newspaper.

Carl, you're dreaming. Go back to sleep.

But, harriette--

I need eight hours Of sleep,

And I need them In a row!

Go back to sleep.

Harriette.

Harriette.

Will you stop Hitting me?

I want to sleep!

Harriette, look.

Now do you believe me?

Steve?

Wh--

I'm going to kill That kid.

Carl, carl, wait, wait.

I think he's Sleepwalking.

Really?

Steve?

I'm going to--

Carl, carl, don't!

It's dangerous To wake a sleepwalker.

No problem.

I can kill him Without waking him up.

You don't mean that.

Oh, yes-- I-- do.

Safe at last.

What's the matter With this kid?

Let me go!

Carl, carl!

Would you let me go?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Aah!

What's the matter, Big guy?

I just wanted To give you your paper.

Steve,

Late last night You walked into Our bedroom.

In your hand Was a rolled-up Newspaper.

And you repeatedly Hit carl

Over the head With it.

Let me Get this straight.

I walked into your bedroom In the middle of the night?

That's right.

With a rolled-up Newspaper.

That's right.

And did this.

That's right.

Oh, poppycock.

Why would I bash the father Of the woman I love?

Sorry. Touching.

Steve, you were Sleepwalking.

Hmm. That might explain Why I woke up this morning

In the dairy case At the 7-eleven.

Well,

Apparently I require Professional help

From a qualified Therapist.

Carl, I'm really sorry.

I had absolutely no idea I was doing this.

Carl! Don't!

No, no, don't!

How much longer Are they going to be In that kitchen?

As long as it takes. Chill out.

Dr. Goodrich said he can't Put steve under hypnosis

Until he understands His psychological makeup.

That's easy--

The kid is nutso.

Oh, carl, dr. Goodrich Was nice enough To come over here.

So let's just leave The diagnosis up to him.

After all he's one Of the most brilliant,

And highly respected Therapists in the country.

He will definitely Help steve.

And then, when I was 7,

I started stealing Candy bars.

Of course. You were compensating,

For a lack of attention From your mother.

A cry for help?

Yes, as you grew older It manifested in other ways.

And that Would explain

Your compulsion For nude skydiving.

Yes!

Oh, yes! Thank you!

We're ready now.

Steve, if you'll take a seat, We'll hypnotize you.

Alrighty.

Can you make him Quack like a duck

Every time The phone rings?

Ms. Crawford, I am a medical doctor,

Not a carnival act.

He's not going To make him quack.

Ready, steve?

Give it your best shot,

But I gotta warn you You won't be able To hypnotize me.

Oh?

Oh, yes, I'm far Too intelligent

To fall for the old "Keep your eye on The watch" routine.

Actually, the higher The intelligence,

The easier the hypnosis.

So you say, but--

Ohh...

Now, steve--

Hmm?

You are sitting In a chair

In the winslow Living room.

Ahh.

You're here with Wonderful friends.

Hi, sugar.

Estelle, my belle.

Hi, steve.

Rachel,

The world's most Beautiful boss.

Ahem.

Hi, steve.

Grrr!

Hmm. Interesting.

Steve, it's me, carl.

Grrr!

Big guy.

Grrr!

Doc, I think He's mad at me.

Yes. The question is why.

Steve, why are you Angry at carl?

Because he hates me,

And he wants me To move away

And never come back.

Is he making This up?

No, no.

Most people under Hypnosis don't lie.

But I never told steve That I hate him.

He got that idea Somehow.

Can you find out What happened?

We can try.

Steve, I want you To go back in time.

Do you understand?

Yes.

I'm--

I'm being born.

My head pops out.

I can see my dad.

Whoa! I'm being Pushed back in!

Uh, steve?

Steve?

Steve.

You went too far back.

Go back to the time

When you felt angry At carl winslow.

Grrr!

It--it was about A month ago,

A couple of hours Before the costume party.

Costume party.

Costume party.

Laura, are maxine's Parents chaperoning This party tonight?

Oh, no. They're out of town.

But don't worry, Three kids are dressing up As responsible adults.

Just kidding. Max' parents Will be there.

Good. And if I Were you,

I wouldn't tease me While I'm holding A needle.

Yes!

What is it, dad?

I finally finished My clipper ship.

It took four And a half months, But I did it.

Oh.

"Oh"?

That's all you can say?

Oh, it's nice, daddy.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Make way for sir steve, The earl of urkel.

Giddyup, giddyup.

Hail winslows, well met.

Cute horse. Get it out.

Oh, very well.

Squires,

Make sure winifred Is well fed.

Come on, horsey. Giddyup, giddyup.

No, giddyout, giddyout.

Boss boat, big guy.

Look out.

Thank you very much. Stay away from it.

Milady,

Thy beauty Doth stun me.

The birds warble praises Of thy loveliness.

Truly they doth not Doeth thee justice.

Okay, who told you About the party?

Freddy mau-mau.

What? He swore He wouldn't tell.

Come on.

He'd sell his sister For a mars bar.

Steve, I'm not going To the party with you.

Okay, I'll meet you there.

But save a dance for me.

Oh, where's my lance?

Oh!

Aah!

Did I do that?

I-I-I'm really Sorry, carl.

Steve...

I'm very upset Right now,

So I think that you Just better leave. Okay?

Oh, y-y-yes, sir.

Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.

Look at this.

Would you look?

In pieces. My boat, my poor boat.

Can you fix it, dad?

No.

Four and a half Months of work,

And now this is junk.

You know, I hate that kid.

I wish he would Just move away

And never, Never come back.

Yeah.

Well, hey, I was upset.

I mean, I worked hard On that clipper ship.

I didn't realize He was in the room When I said it.

Well, he was.

And it hurt him.

Way to go, carl.

Steve, when I Snap my fingers, You'll awaken.

You will remember Everything you said.

You will not sleep-walk,

Because you will not be Suppressing painful memories.

3, 2, 1.

Darn! I can never do that.

[snap]

See? I told you, Doc.

You just can't Hypnotize me.

I'm afraid I did, steve.

Remember what carl said Before the costume party?

I most certainly do.

Wait a minute. Harriette--

Where are You guys going?

I'm going to check Your birth certificate

And make sure You're really my son.

Gee, doc..

Everybody's mad at me.

A normal psychological reaction.

But I-I feel terrible About it.

Normal as well.

Well, what I owe you, doc?

Forget it, I wouldn't touch Your filthy money.

Yeah. Okay, see you soon.

Bye, now.

Good news.

I just talked to steve.

Did you apologize?

Better--I asked him over To apologize in person.

That's more like it.

I'll tell steve I don't really hate him.

I'll tell him how terrific I think he is.

You know, Lay it on real thick.

[humming]

Hello, harriette.

Sergeant winslow.

What is that?

My polygraph.

You brought A lie detector?

Correct.

Why?

Oh, come on.

Who do I look like, Herbie the hick?

Why it would be easy

For you to say You don't hate me.

You could even Say I'm terrific.

You know, lay it on Real thick.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Well, my little buddy here

Is gonna make sure That you don't.

Okay, let's get this Over with.

Now, carl,

It's only fair To warn you

That I have improved This particular Polygraph.

What do you mean Improved?

I've adjusted it So that every time You tell a lie,

You will Receive a slight Electric shock.

Forget it!

Well, what's the Matter, carl?

You'll be fine As long as you Tell the truth.

No fibby, no shocky.

That's right.

You don't have anything To hide, do you, carl?

Okay, okay.

Well, go ahead.

Carl winslow Is an honest man.

Okay.

Here we go.

[buzzing]

Heh heh heh.

Alright.

Is carl winslow Your real name?

Yes, it is.

Are you Happily married?

Yes, I am.

How old are you?

35.

[zap]

Uh, uh, 38, 38.

I'm 38.

Alright.

Now you know I mean business.

Now, let's get To the heart Of the matter.

Carl winslow,

Do you hate me?

No.

Well, are you crazy About me?

Sure.

[zap]

Well, do you Like me a lot?

Absolutely.

[zap]

Well, do you even Care about me at all?

Yes, I do.

Hey, what happened? It was working great.

Steve, your machine Is not broken.

I really do Care about you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Look, let's talk For a moment.

When you smashed my ship, I flipped out.

I said what I said Out of anger.

That doesn't excuse it, But I hope it explains it.

You know the saying,

"Sticks and stones May break my bones,

But words will Never hurt me"?

Sure.

Well, it's wrong. Words do hurt.

They sure do.

You know, When I was your age,

I was a tad overweight.

[zap]

Okay, I was fat. Okay?

But a lot of mean kids Said some really mean things

That hurt a lot.

Yeah.

Steve,

When I said That I hated you,

I said it out of anger,

And I honestly Did not mean it.

And I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Thanks, big guy.

Well, harriette,

Everything worked out Just fine.

I'm glad.

So, carl...

How many women were you Serious about before me?

None, dear.

[zap]

Uh, three.

[zap]

Steve, get these Things off of me!

Come on, carl. How many?

Uh, 12.

[zap]

For god sakes, Tell the truth.

[zap]

Oh, hurry up!