Original subtitles

* workin' in The coal mines *

* about to get down, Workin' *

* workin'... *

* workin' in the coal-- *

Aah!

Sorry to Startle you, ma'am.

I'm looking For your husband.

That's A good one, sir,

But I'm just helping out Around the house.

We're a modern family. Harriette's out working late,

So I'm up here straightening Up and cooking dinner.

Cooking And cleaning?

My god, man...

Where's Your self-respect?

I have plenty of Self-respect, sir.

Ooh, touchy.

What is it, pms?

Here. This is for you.

A beeper? That's right.

From now on,

When there's Police business to Be handled quickly,

I can reach you Anytime, anywhere.

Sir, are Any other sergeants Getting beepers?

No, just you.

All my other sergeants Have already had

Their annual Performance review.

I understand, sir.

Excellent.

Now stick that beeper In your purse.

Lieutenant...

Let me just emphasize One thing here.

I wear the pants In this house.

I am the breadwinner.

I am the man Of this house.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

What's for dinner?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Come on, guys. You're so slow.

I'd like Bacon and eggs.

Pancakes. Waffles.

I'll take ice cream!

You're Getting oatmeal.

Oh, man.

[beeper beeps]

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

That's Lieutenant murtaugh.

This could be an emergency, And I'm not dressed yet.

Carl hasn't Moved that fast

Since he chased A doughnut downhill.

But soft!

What light through Yonder window breaks?

It is the east, And laura is the sun.

Hey, that's From romeo and juliet.

Very good. That's right.

The auditions for The annual school play Are being held today.

This year's Offering is The bard's tragedy

Of two Star-crossed lovers.

Does that give you The shivers, my sweet?

Well, my skin is Definitely crawling.

Steve, why don't you Try out for romeo?

That would make it A comedy.

Those were The exact words

Uttered by ms. Steuben, The play's director.

But, of course, she was Bright enough to see that my

Dashing good looks and Remarkable physical prowess

Would clearly overshadow The rest of the cast.

So she made you Stage manager?

Yeah.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Parting is Such sweet sorrow,

That I shall Say goodnight

Till it be morrow.

Heh heh.

[snorts]

So, laura, are you Going to audition For juliet?

I'm not sure.

You should. You'd be great.

Absolutely.

You are related to me, And I am a wonderful actress.

That's right. I've seen her Tell a man she was 23 And not even blink.

Well, got to go.

What was the emergency, carl?

Oh, uh...

Lieutenant murtaugh...

Wants me to pick up his

Uniform At the cleaners.

Watch this performance.

Oh, carl!

Don't go out there All alone.

We're crazy about you, You big lug.

When will it all end-- The robbing, the killing,

The uniform Picking-upping?

[gasps]

Oh, I just can't Take it anymore.

I still got it.

Yeah, But who wants it?

Romeo! Romeo!

Wherefore art thou romeo?

Deny thy father And refuse thy name

Oh, romeo!

Oh, thank you. Uh..

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, Everyone!

You were all Very good.

You were all Very good.

Stop that. Stop that.

Now! Now!

Look, steven...

Take a seat.

Where?

Pittsburgh.

Oh, ms. Steuben, You slay me.

Oh, oh.

Ahem.

As I was saying...

The auditions Were spirited,

But the part of romeo

Will be played by Daniel wallace.

I knew He'd get it. He's gorgeous.

Girl, I can't wait To see him in tights.

Now, I have narrowed The choices for juliet

Down to two girls.

It will either be Maxine or laura.

Daniel, would you mind Reading with the ladies?

Well, it will be My extreme

And intense Pleasure.

Maxine, you go first.

But soft!

What light through Yonder window breaks?

It is the east...

And juliet is the sun.

See how she leans Her cheek upon her hand.

Oh, that I were A glove upon that hand,

That I might Touch that cheek.

You are so gorgeous.

Uh...

Thank you. Thank you, maxine.

That was a very Interesting interpretation.

How'd I do?

Oh--oh, You were great.

Laura, It's your turn.

Let's start with Line 31, act ii, scene 2.

Dost thou love me?

Oh, gentle romeo, If thou dost love,

Pronounce it faithfully.

Oh, there's Our juliet.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Parting is Such sweet sorrow...

That I shall Say goodnight...

Till it be morrow.

Cut! Cut!

I said cut, For crying out loud.

Ooh, harriette.

Sweetheart, You look...

Fine.

Thank you, carl.

In fact... Why don't you and I

Just skip dinner And stay home?

We could do that. Yeah?

But if we do...

We'll miss the All-you-can-eat special

At chez josephine's.

Let's go.

[beeper beeps]

No, not murtaugh again.

Sweetheart, I know it's a pain,

But it's my annual review time, And I gotta be On my best behavior.

But, don't worry. I'll just tell murtaugh We have special plans.

Now always Remember, laura,

That great acting Comes from within.

Legendary performances Come from actors

Who can reach deep down Into their souls

And dredge up pain.

Can you feel it, laura? Can you feel a pain?

I feel a pain, Aunt rachel,

And I'm hoping it will Go back into the kitchen.

Did you hear what Your daughter said to me?

Carl's telling murtaugh We're busy tonight,

And he's unavailable To run his personal errands.

Yes, sir. That's two burgers Well-done...

A small order of fries,

And one vanilla shake. Yes, sir.

Got it, sir. No problem.

Glad to do it, sir. Bye, now.

Harriette, I know what you think,

But the poor guy's car Is in the shop,

And he's on his stomach With a painful boil.

Carl, I don't Believe this.

I rush home from work, Take two hours To get ready,

And now I'm staying home Because your boss Has a boil.

You see, laura,

That's the kind of pain I'm talking about.

If you could reach Deep into your soul--

Well, I better go get Lieutenant murtaugh's Food and ointment.

You know,

I don't think this Night can get any worse.

Hi-dee-ho, winslows!

I was wrong.

Laura, laura!

Oh, bad, awful, Terrible news.

What? What?

Daniel wallace Is in the hospital With appendicitis.

We open in two nights. Who's going to Play romeo?

Oh, no.

Yes, My cuddly capulet.

'tis I.

So when we perform The famous balcony Scene,

It will be my lips Pressed hotly Against yours.

Aunt rachel...

Yes, laura?

I found that pain.

[applause]

Bravo, juliet!

Bravo, juliet!

Encore! Whoo! Whoo!

Sit down, carl.

Carl, do you have to do that After every scene?

Ma, I happen to be Proud of my daughter.

I wish I could Say the same About my son.

Poor laura. What do you mean?

The balcony scene is next. Think she'll kiss steve?

I don't know.

Every time I ask, She cries and takes Another rolaid.

[beeper beeps]

Carl, did you bring That beeper to the play?

Well, ma, Murtaugh ordered me to Carry it at all times.

I'll go see what he wants.

No, no. I'm not going.

This is my daughter's Big moment. I'm gonna Be here to see it.

[beeper beeps]

Sorry, lieutenant.

This line's out of order.

[beep beep]

[tweet tweet]

Carl... I'm proud of you.

You got your Priorities straight.

Shh. Here it goes. The balcony scene.

[flute plays]

But soft!

What light through Yonder window breaks?

It is the east...

And juliet Is the sun.

Bravo, juliet!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Ow, harriette!

Oh, romeo...

Romeo...

Wherefore art thou, romeo?

Dost thou love me?

Oh, gentle romeo...

If thou dost love...

Pronounce it faithfully.

Oh!

Oucheth!

Steve, Are you okay?

I bent my dagger.

Oh, swear not By the moon,

The inconstant moon.

Ooh.

Then what shall I swear by?

Do not Swear at all.

Madam!

I hear some noise Within, dear love. Adieu.

Oh--oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Parting is...

Such sweet sorrow.

That I shall say Goodnight...

Till it be morrow.

Oh, god, I wish it were morrow.

Oh!

Oh!

Yowie!

Zowie!

Whoa, mama!

Didst I do that?

Oh! Ms. Steuben.

I'm sorry.

I know, steven.

You're always sorry.

Listen, steven,

I've--I've Decided to retire

From the theater Arts department.

Gee, that's a shame.

Yeah, well...

Steven...

You're not taking Home ec next semester,

Are you?

No.

Oh, good. Oh, good.

I'll Teach that then.

Oh.

Steve...

Ah, the fair juliet.

How lovely thou looketh.

Are you okay?

Sure.

Good. Some lunkhead Wrote "Jerk, jerk, jerk"

All over Your makeup mirror.

That's okay.

I'm the lunkhead.

Well, Why'd you do that?

'cause it's true.

I am a jerk.

Laura, I ruined the play.

Steve, it was An accident.

It could have Happened to anybody.

There must be Somebody else It could happen to.

Nope. It was Vintage urkel.

Laura, I've dreamed All my life

Of being kissed By you,

And when It finally happened,

I blew it.

I turned A magical moment

Into a three-ring Circus.

Steve, you made A mistake. That's all.

But I ruined it For you, too.

I mean, you were The best juliet there ever.

I made you Look like a fool.

Believe me, Steve...

Nobody thinks I'm a fool.

Really?

Do you mean it, Or are you saying it Just to make me feel better?

I mean it.

In fact, the audience Liked what you did.

They gave us A standing ovation.

They loved it so much, They wouldn't even Let us finish the play.

We couldn't Finish the play. I leveled verona.

Thanks for Cheering me up, laura.

You're welcome.

Touching. Sorry.

Come on. Let's go To the cast party.

Great!

Laura, I have A question To ask you.

Why did you Take the time

To pull me Out of my misery?

I don't know.

Did you do it Out of love?

No, I did it Out of pity.

Ah, but the seeds Of pity

Can blossom into love!

Ow.