Original subtitles

Ooh. Ooh.

Ahh. Ahh.

Mmm...St. Thomas.

Look at those beaches.

Look at Those sunsets.

Look at those men.

Look at that buffet.

Are you sure we can Afford this trip?

No, but sometimes you Just have to go for it.

As long as there are No unexpected expenses,

We are on our way.

[thunder]

Oh!

Oh.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you, There's room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Well, it's going to cost A fortune to fix the roof.

We'll have to cancel Our vacation.

No. No, not cancel.

Postpone.

I'll fix The roof myself.

And I'll buy A sparkly gown And open for diana ross.

What are you Trying to say?

I'm saying It's a nice idea

You wanna Fix the roof,

But you just can't do it.

And why not, If you please?

Remember that bathroom You put in for your mother?

Yes.

You ran the gas line Into the toilet.

First time she flushed,

It blew her Into the basement.

Well, there you Go again, harriette.

You know, whenever I try to fix something,

Do I ever hear, "Go for it, carl,"

"You can do it, carl,"

"I'm behind you, carl"?

No.

You give me, "You'll be sorry, carl,"

"Hire a professional, Carl,"

"You blew your mother Into the basement, carl."

Well, I'm going to Fix the roof, harriette.

And I'm going to Fix it so well

That all of our neighbors

Will come Just to look at it,

And they'll ooh and ahh And applaud my work.

You know what you'll Say to me then?

Do you know what You'll say, harriette?

Sure.

"Wake up, you're Dreaming, carl."

Oh, ho ho ho, that's So amusing, harriette.

That's hysterical, Harriette.

The only thing funnier Is your cooking.

Laura, tell me again.

What were alex's Exact words?

I've told you Five times.

Well, tell me again.

You got to remember, I have no life.

Alex goes...

"Laura, do you want to Study together?"

Aah! Aah!

Alex phillips Is so cute.

And what a great bod.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ohh.

Steve, how long Have you been there?

Long enough for Your high-pitched Squeals of lust

To shatter my heart.

Laura, to even hear you Speak of another man

Is like an arrow Piercing me.

"Alex is so cute."

Psss...

Ohh.

"What a great bod."

Psss...

Ohh.

Want to finish me off?

Just say you'd like To kiss him.

Wow, that'd be great.

Psss...

Ooh.

So, what are you Going to wear?

Maybe the green blouse

With the short Black skirt.

What shoes?

I don't know.

Oh...Wow.

It's--it's--it's Really high up here.

I didn't realize I had Such a tall house.

You need it because You've got a tall son.

Aah! Oh, no! Oh, oh!

Oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Son?

Yes, dad?

You do that again,

And I'm taking you With me.

Right, dad.

Okay. Alright.

Your mother doesn't Believe that I can Fix a roof.

You and I Are going to Prove her wrong.

Why do I always Have to be involved?

Why can't you just Prove mom wrong?

Because I want You and I

To spend some Quality time together.

Is it that Or because you're Not paying me?

Well, that's what makes The time quality.

That's pretty smart, How you got that Toolbox up here.

Well, I learned to tie This rope to the box

By watching This program, This old house.

[crash]

We'll use That stuff tomorrow.

Right now, It's time to play "Look for the leak."

Because if We can't find it, We can't fix it.

Most leaks in your roof

Are caused by Soft spots.

See, so you have to Probe very cautiously,

Very carefully.

See, because otherwise, A small hole--

How's it going up there?

Pretty good.

We found the leak.

Thanks for helping me Find the gym.

Don't feel bad, It's monday.

You had two whole days To forget where it was.

Phillips?

A moment Of your time, please.

What do you want, Jerkel?

I won't be drawn Into a battle of wits.

After all, You're unarmed.

I merely wish to issue A friendly warning--

Stay away from my laura.

Hi, alex.

Look who's here.

Hi, max.

Hey, laura, baby.

Hey, laura, baby.

[bell rings]

[whistle blows]

Alright, listen up.

Today, we got Your favorite and mine--

The rope climb.

Aw... Aw....

Oh, no.

Of all days When laura's watching.

So?

So, I hate The rope climb.

No matter How hard I try, I can't do it.

I have the same problem With mr. Potato head.

Alright, phillips, You get to go first.

I'll only go Half speed.

I mean, we don't want Laura to faint.

Go!

Go, alex! Come on, alex!

Touch it!

Yeah! Yeah!

5.6 seconds.

Nice work.

What are you doing?

Hoping he won't Call me.

He won't. Coach redding Is a kind man.

He's sensitive, And he's caring.

Urkel!

What a nazi!

Ready...

Get set...

Go!

Come on, urkel.

He said go.

Almost there.

It's okay. You tried.

We can do it.

You can stop now.

Come on. No.

No.

Come on.

Son...Get off!

Hands off the rope. No hands on rope.

Good. Feet on ground.

Up. Turn around. Eyes front.

Hello.

Relax, son.

It's over.

It's over.

Alright, ladies, To the track.

Five laps.

Come on! Come on!

Move it! Move it!

Thanks, urkel.

I mean, I'm good,

But you make me Look great.

Oh, can it, phillips!

You may have been The better man today,

But you hear me

In a fortnight,

Not only will I make it to the top,

But I'll do it Faster than you.

Put your money Where your mouth is.

Don't do it, urkel. Money has germs on it.

Forget money.

I prefer higher stakes.

Like what?

The loser stays Away from laura...

Forever.

You're on.

Rrrm.

Rrrm.

Oof.

Emergency.

Steve?

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Oh.

Oh...Oh...Oh.

Thanks.

I didn't want to Strain these puppies.

Steve, you look terrible.

Oh, I'm fine.

Aah!

I'm fine.

Steve...

Oh, laura.

I hurt so bad.

I hurt in places

That I need Three mirrors to see.

Would you give me A back rub?

Okay, but only Till I get nauseous.

Oh, thanks.

Oh.

Ah.

Ohh.

I'm going to stop If you keep making Those noises.

Okay. I'll make them Silently.

I don't want To see it, either.

Oh, sorry.

You know what, Laura?

I realize You don't love me Because I'm weak.

Steve, that's not true.

It isn't?

No. There's Lots of reasons

Why I don't love you.

Really? Well, Name a couple.

Well, you're stubborn, Irritating, loud, Obnoxious, pushy, clumsy--

I said a couple.

Well, is there anything You do like about me?

Well, you're intelligent. I like that.

In fact, I think brains Are very sexy.

Sexy?

In a platonic Sort of way.

Oh.

You know...

You're not acting like The steve urkel I've come to know and...

Tolerate.

That steve urkel Would get out of this jam

By using the biggest Muscle he has--

His brain.

So I broke out In this weird, Purple rash.

For two weeks, Everything tasted Like mustard.

That's why polyester Chafes my thighs.

Great story, dad.

Oh, my gosh!

What's wrong?

We're done.

We're actually done.

Really?

Yeah.

Hey...

You did it, dad!

Ah ah ah ah.

You fixed the roof.

Yeah. I did, didn't I?

* when this old world Starts getting me down *

* and people are just Too much for me to face *

* up on the roof *

* I climb way up To the top of the stairs *

* and all my cares just Drift right into space *

* on the roof's The only place I know *

* where you just have To wish to make it-- *

Oh! So! So! Sooo!

Oh!

Ow!

Oh.

Hey, dad!

Hey, dad, you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

Luckily, the driveway Broke my fall.

Hey, laura, Looks like urkel Chickened out.

Too bad. I was looking forward To humiliating him.

No wonder He's so handsome.

God put all His good qualities

On the outside.

Well, I can't wait Around here all day.

Wait! Wait! Everybody wait!

Dang, I thought I could remember Without the paper.

Steve is still suiting up. Phillips, you go first.

Alright, phillips.

Come on, let's hustle.

Go!

4.9 seconds.

You broke Your record.

Yeah!

For you, baby.

Put your shirt on.

Couldn't we have Taken a vote?

I'm a lock. Urkel Will never beat my time.

Guess again!

Hey, What's that?

Look, listen, and learn.

Coach...

If you please.

Ready...

Set...

Go!

3.2 seconds!

That's a new record!

Pardon my exhaust.

Steve, you did it! You won!

Feast your eyes One last time...

And then hit The road, jack.

Alright! Yeah!

Carl!

What happened?

He fixed the roof.

Ah...

'nuff said.

The bottom line is, I fixed the roof.

Yes, carl, You fixed the roof...

And all it cost you Was an arm and a leg.

Dad, what happened?

Your father Fixed the roof.

Ah...

'nuff said.

You know, You never would have fallen

If you'd been wearing One of these babies.

What is that?

The one and only Xj-3 jet-propelled Urkel pack.

Does it really work?

Why, Abso-tootle-utely.

All you do Is press this--

No! No! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't!

Don't.

Relax, big guy.

It's got a safety.

Good.

Unfortunately, It wasn't on!

Whoooa!