Original subtitles

We're home.

You know, I love this room.

It reminds me so much Of a kitchen.

Waldo, this is A kitchen.

Whoa.

Exercise? He Wants me to exercise.

Everybody wants To exercise.

If you want To exercise,

Get arnold Schwarzenegger.

Dad?

Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Kids, take a look at me.

How would you describe My physique?

Uh, big boned.

Husky?

Wide load.

What do you know?

I know this is A kitchen.

Lieutenant murtagh Chewed me out today.

He said I'm Out of condition.

I'm meeting him At the gym at 5:30.

But it's only 4:00, dad.

I know.

I'm stopping for Some waffles on the way.

You want to come Hang out with us?

I'm going to Stay right here

And enjoy the fact

That I am Momentarily urkelless.

I hardly recognize you Without him.

That's because he's Usually buzzing around

Like the world's Nerdiest gnat.

The cute guys shun me Because of the uaf.

Uaf?

Urkel annoyance factor.

Laura, hang in there.

Your dream guy could Walk into your life

When you least Expect it.

See? Now you two Be home by midnight.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

What's the matter With you?

You shouldn't Run ahead like that.

We attract much less Attention when we're together.

Hey, urkel, Who's the new kid?

Oh, this is lowell.

He's an orangutan. Pongo pygmaeus.

This is my best bud eddo.

Hey.

This is waldo.

In evolutionary terms,

He's a few million years Behind you.

And this stunning creature Is my raison d'etre,

Ma belle paramour Fantastique...

Laura.

Steve, where Did you get lowell?

The behavioral Sciences lab.

I'm trying to find out

Why dogs look relieved When you come home.

But what does that Got to do with lowell?

This afternoon I found out

That lowell is Scheduled to undergo

Dangerous research--

Testing discount Parachutes.

So lowell and I Skedaddled.

You two waltzed Out of there In broad daylight?

Well, lowell did.

They detained me For five minutes

For looking suspicious.

Come on, lowell.

We have to get you In the basement

Before ma and pa urkel Get home.

Time out, steve.

How long will he be In your basement?

Till the banks open.

I'll buy lowell From the laboratory

And donate him To the zoo.

What if you Get caught?

Well, that's a risk I've got to take.

Lowell's my friend,

And friends Help each other.

I mean, I was just Picturing lowell

Jumping from that cessna At 10,000 feet

With a cut-rate parachute.

Thank you, lowell.

So until monday morning,

Lowell and I Are on the lam.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

I got held up In traffic.

Don't lie to me, winslow.

I smell syrup On your breath.

I just had One waffle, sir.

It starts With one waffle,

Then it's two, Then three.

Soon, you'll need Vaseline and a shoehorn

To get into Your squad car.

Can we get On with this?

I have a family.

Sergeant...

This treadmill Is the secret

To my incredible Physique.

Thanks to this treadmill,

I was able to chase down Nitro newton,

The boston bomber.

It made me a hero.

Wouldn't you like To be a hero

Instead of just Eating them?

You know, I object To that crack, sir.

You outrank me, But you have no right

To treat me Disrespectfully.

I don't?

Sir, I don't mind Exercising,

But no more jokes About my weight, okay?

Fine.

Now get on This treadmill...

Both of you.

[female voice] Congratulations.

You're about to Exercise on altrea,

The automated Linguistic treadmill.

Talk to me, baby.

Please state your Personal code name now.

Personal code name?

It starts you on Your individual program.

I recommend You use mine.

Please state your Personal code name now.

Stallion.

Stallion?

It's a nickname I picked up

During a moment Of passion

When I was Young and alone.

Look at her, lowell.

Isn't my laura Achingly beautiful?

Have you ever Seen a woman Who could compare?

Just remember, I got dibs.

Go find Your own girl.

[blows raspberry]

Shh.

We have to be Very careful

How we wake laura.

Finding you here Unannounced

Would be a shock To anyone,

But laura is Especially delicate.

Her little bird heart Can only take so much shock.

Steve!

Whoa!

What are you Doing here?

My dad ordered me To get rid of lowell.

He knows I'm hiding him.

How?

Well,

Lowell found My dad's credit card

And ran amuck On the home Shopping network.

He bought Three gold chains, A refrigerator,

And a ceramic Lee trevino.

Go home.

Okay, but can lowell Crash here?

No.

Please.

Please.

Pleeeease.

One night.

Promise he'll be out Before breakfast.

Deal.

I have to figure out Where lowell's Going to sleep.

1...2...3...

4...And 5.

Okay, there's your Hush money.

I expect you both To keep your lips zipped

About the ape In laura's room.

Ape?

What ape?

Excellent.

Red alert. Red alert.

Lowell's loose In the house.

Let's split before He wants his money back.

Oh.

Coffee.

I need coffee.

What's with you?

I just had The worst nightmare Of my life.

What, that you had To move out And pay rent?

No.

I was on this date With denzel washington,

And he wanted a kiss,

So I puckered up And closed my eyes,

And he planted one on me.

When I opened my eyes, It wasn't denzel.

It was some ugly ape.

Rachel, you've Got to stop eating

Those meatball Sandwiches before bed.

They're messing You up bad.

You're right, harriette.

I have enough trouble With men when I'm awake.

Harriette, the coffee's Not doing it.

I'm calling a doctor.

Morning, carl.

I made you French toast.

[raspberry]

Okay, then, I'll make waffles.

Aah!

Congratulations.

You're exercising On altrea.

State your personal Code name now.

Stallion.

State your personal Code name now.

Stallion.

State your personal Code name now.

Stallion! The code name Is stallion!

Enter the number Of minutes--

Hello, murtagh.

You recognize This voice?

It's me, nitro newton,

The boston bomber.

You bragged about Being in shape

When you busted me.

Said the treadmill Was my downfall.

Well, this treadmill Will be your downfall.

There's a bomb In it, murtagh.

A bomb?

That's right, a bomb.

You understand, murtagh? You're going to blow up

The second you step off This machine.

You're an arrogant, Pompous jerk, murtagh,

And now you'll die.

I'm not murtagh. I'm winslow.

You're blowing up The wrong guy.

Keep walking, murtagh,

Or you'll Be blown to bits.

Help! Help me!

Help!

What's the matter, Carl?

We're all cops In here, right?

Right! Right!

We stick together, Right?

Right! Right! Right!

Good. 'cause there's A bomb in this machine.

Thank you, Fellow officers.

Jaworski, call The bomb squad, okay?

I'm on my way.

You want me to get Lieutenant murtagh here?

If this bomb Goes off,

It'll kill anybody Who's with me.

Get him in here.

Okay. Just stay calm.

I can walk forever.

I feel good.

I feel great.

I'm going to die.

I came as soon As I heard.

The bomb squad coming?

All the bomb units Are busy.

All of them? How come?

The middle east Peace conference Is in town.

What?

Shouldn't you Keep walking?

Oh.

Wait. Oh.

Listen. I got To catch my breath.

Listen. Let's switch places Without stopping.

We can trade off

Until the bomb Squad gets here.

My shoes aren't right, And I just ate.

Get on this treadmill!

Oh, thank god.

A rest.

You know, this thing Is really moving.

Yeah.

That's not good

To start at A very high speed.

Why not?

For one thing, I could get a--cramp!

Oh! A cramp! Right here.

Lieutenant. Walk! Walk!

Oh, I can't! It hurts.

We got To change places.

Oh, no.

Ooh. Ooh. Darn the luck.

Listen.

We have to Try to disarm The bomb ourselves.

Okay.

Can you get the top Off the console?

Uh...Yeah.

There's A screwdriver blade

In my swiss Army knife.

My brother was A demolitions expert

In the united states Marine corps.

I wish he was here.

No. I think We're better off Without stumpy.

Oh.

There's enough Explosives there

To level The entire building.

Carl, I'm feeling A little faint.

Don't worry, Lieutenant. You'll be fine.

Just concentrate On the bomb.

How many wires Are there?

Uh...Three.

Red, blue, And yellow.

Do you know Which one to pull?

No. But tell me You know.

The yellow one.

How do you know?

Red, we're dead, Blue, we're through,

Yellow...

We're mellow.

It could be yellow, We're jell-o,

Blue, we're goo, Red--

Just pull the wire!

Ohh!

Carl.

We're not dead.

No, sir.

Oh, but we sure Came close.

Yes, sir.

Congratulations On not fainting, sir.

Thank you.

How did you know Which wire to pull?

I didn't.

I guessed.

Great guess.

[television plays]

[tarzan yell]

Hi there, sofa spuds.

How did it go?

I went to the lab, And I paid for lowell.

I also bought Five hamsters

That only walk To the right.

Let's get to The zoo, right?

Right.

Let's go, lowell.

Yo, lowell. Let's roll.

You don't Want to go?

Why not?

Aw.

Well, I'm going To miss you, too.

But...

I'll come And visit you...A lot.

Hey, and so Will laura.

Hey.

We're best buddies,

And we're going to Be spending a lot Of time together.

Hey, I love you, Too, lowell.

Carl, at least Take a nap.

I don't need to, Harriette.

But you were Almost blown up.

That had To affect you.

Not me. I'm A trained professional.

Stress doesn't Affect me one iota.

Maybe just A little nap, Harriette.

Wake me just Before christmas.