Original subtitles

Ta-da!

Are we gorgeous or what?

Or what.

Oh, laura, That eye shadow Is perfect on you.

You can borrow it Anytime.

No, she can't. Not for outside Of the house.

Harriette, Don't be such a prude.

Aunt harriette's A prune?

Prude.

Although prune Sort of fits.

Ha ha ha!

Somebody call 911.

There is about To be a murder.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Grr!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

What is that awful smell?

What happened?

I was in the yard Minding my own burgers.

Suddenly The wind shifts,

And I get this-- This stench

From dr. Urkel's Compost heap.

So I went to complain.

You made a scene?

Of course not.

I politely suggested To dr. Urkel

That the stench From his compost heap

Was unbearable.

He suggested That the stench started

When I walked In his back yard.

So I told him...

"Oh, yeah?

Well, that's big talk Coming from a little quack!"

Next thing I know,

He slam-dunked me Into the compost heap.

He threw you?

But, carl, dr. Urkel Is a teeny, tiny man.

He surprised me.

But still, The man's a munchkin.

Leverage, mother.

A whole lot Of leverage.

He came at me With a garden hose.

I had to defend myself, Harriette.

Oh, carl, you hit him?

No. I put out my arm To fend him off.

He ran into my fist.

Then he started crying And ran into the house.

You!

You!

You big bully!

Oh, great.

Son of urkel.

Carl, I love you Like a father,

And my father Like a...Neighbor,

But you have dented My dad.

Therefore, I have no choice

But to defend Our family honor.

It's the code Of the urkels.

Go home, steve.

I'll leave...

But rest assured, I shall return!

Revenge shall be mine!

And by the way,

This is what my dad's nose Looks like.

I can't even enjoy a burger In my back yard.

I'd like to throw Some urkels on the barbie.

Call or fold. I ain't got all day.

Three kings.

Hold it.

Full house.

Not so fast. Four aces.

See ya next payday, boys.

Listen up, You big galoots.

Presenting a gal who is Every cowboy's cutie,

Miss rachel.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

* some say I have no morals *

* and lack propriety *

* some say That I'm too fickle *

* but I need variety *

* back east, I was a lady *

* bored like All the rest *

Ahh...

* now that I have fallen *

* I'm having fun *

* out here In the wild, wild west *

* oh, they call me Ricochet rachel *

* I bounce From man to man *

* they call me Ricochet rachel *

* catch me if you can *

* and when I find One that's true *

* I'm sticking to him Just like glue *

* till then, Won't you be *

* my ol' cowhand *

* well, I'm proud to be Ricochet rachel *

* though some people Think it's a crime *

* I want all you boys To belly up to the bar *

Then...

* come up *

* and see me *

* some time *

* whoa *

* oh, yeah **

Care for a drink, Schoolmarm?

Don't speak to me, You shameless hussy!

Normally, I wouldn't Set foot in this saloon of sin

But I'm looking For sheriff carl.

Your husband's Not here,

But if you Gussied up some, Put on some rouge,

He might come Looking for you For a change.

How dare you, You floozy!

Hi, mom. Hi, mom.

Look what you've done!

You've turned My daughters into...

Painted women!

[gunshots]

Well, howdy, Townsfolk!

Howdy, sheriff! Howdy, sheriff!

There's good news And bad news.

The bad news is I just shot a man.

The good news is It was doc urkel.

Carl.

Carl, why must you Constantly shoot people?

'cause I'm the sheriff

And killing people Is one of the perks.

Doc urkel Was out of control.

He'd perform Brain surgery

At the drop Of a stetson.

That's for sure.

I went to him For a hangnail,

And instead, He gave me a...

Uh, what do you Call them?

A lobotomy.

Right.

Now I got a headache And a hangnail.

You see? I had To shoot doc urkel

For the good Of the town.

What if you-know-who

Finds out You killed his pa?

[scary music plays]

Well, he'll come Gunning for me, I guess.

You mean you'll have To lock horns with...

[scary music plays]

Yup.

Two-gun urkel.

[scary music plays]

The roughest, Toughest,

Most annoying gunslinger In the west.

Two-gun urkel's A-comin'!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Alright, who's the vomit That killed my pa?

You bunch of winnies.

What do you want?

Revenge!

Did I do that?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's going to be

Lights out For you, too, sheriff.

Say your prayers.

You're about To meet your maker.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Make your move, Sheriff.

Now looky here, two--

I'm right sorry For what happened, Two-gun,

But your pa Was a public menace.

Maybe, but he was my pa.

You had no call To do what you done.

I done what I did 'cause it had to be done.

Well, you done did it, And now you got to die.

Are you done?

Yes, indeed, I do.

Dang.

Sheriff,

You're in a big, Smelly heap of trouble.

Ooh! Ooh!

Please, two-gun.

If you ever had Any feelings for me,

Don't hurt my pa.

Oh, miss laura, My tumbling Tumbleweed,

I love you,

But I've got to Avenge my pa.

It's the code Of the west.

You see, right here In section 2, Paragraph 3.

"Pa avenging."

Now looky, two-gun,

I think you better Get on your shetland

And ride out of town.

Ha!

Why would The fiercest desperado In the territory

Run away from a portly, Pusillanimous peace officer?

Ooh! Ooh!

Don't push me, kid.

You may be fast With those guns,

But I'm faster.

Don't make me laugh.

Ha ha ha!

[snort]

What a stupid snort.

Oh, yeah? You snort.

Yes, sir, Mr. Two-gun, sir.

Ha ha ha!

[snort]

[cough]

Needs work.

You know, two-gun,

The last hombre That thought he was Faster than me

Is now a boarding House for worms.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, yeah?

Well, bartender,

Make like a mallard and duck!

[bang bang bang]

Whew! Whew!

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Now watch Some real shootin'.

Mama, duck!

[bang bang bang]

Whew! Whew!

Well, rootin' tootin' Shootin', sheriff.

But I'm a-calling You out.

Well, I'm a-gonna Be here tomorrow,

High noon.

[scary music plays]

But in the meantime, Let's form a posse

And track down That dang orchestra.

Yeah! Yeah!

But, carl, why must you Show up for the showdown?

Because it's my job, Harriette.

I'm sworn to uphold The laws of the west.

Why can't the west Have simpler laws,

Like no smoking In elevators?

What's an elevator?

It's a real fast way To get upstairs.

Oh. For me, It's cash.

Woo! Woo!

[bell rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Ha!

I guess that Lily-livered urkel

Didn't show up.

I guess the only thing He can shoot off is his mouth.

Sorry I'm late.

There was a long line In the little cowpokes room.

Are you ready?

I'm a-ready.

Alright, two-gun, Let's slap leather.

Okay.

Whoa, boy.

Oh.

Ohh.

Ohhh.

Aah!

I've fallen, And I can't get up.

Hold on there, two-gun.

I'll go get doc urkel.

Oh, yeah-- I killed him yesterday.

It's been a bad week For the urkels.

Oh, it's all getting darker.

There's my pa!

I'm coming, pa.

Wait. He's runnin' away.

So long, everybody.

It's time for me to...

Die.

Aw. Aw.

Laura?

What is it, two-gun?

Oh, laura, will you grant A dying man's last request?

Give me a kiss To send me to heaven.

Oh, thanks, my pet.

The angels I'm about to see

Won't compare to the angel That I'm leaving behind.

Aw. Aw.

Sheriff?

Now looky here, Two-gun.

This here is Your last goodbye.

Okay.

I just want you to know

That I don't Hold a grudge,

Even though I'm A dastardly desperado

And you're A goody two-boots,

I admire and respect you.

In fact, big guy, I love you.

Aw. Aw.

Aw, two-gun.

I'm sorry, Little fella.

How did it Come to this?

I love all you Gol-darned winslows.

Vaya con dios.

Adios, amigos.

Huevos rancheros.

Yee-ee-ee.

[snort snort]

Aw. Aw.

Well, I--

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Way to go, carl.

But--

But I'm sorry.

He--

But, harriette--

But I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I--

Hey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Huh?

Two-gun! You're alive!

You're alive! Ha ha ha!

Aah!

You're alive! You're alive!

You're alive!

Carl, this is no time To do the lambada.

As my father's only son,

It is my duty To avenge him.

So prepare To be pummeled.

Uh, steve.

Steve.

Steve, calm down.

Calm down, steve!

We are not going To fight, okay?

Fighting got us Into this mess.

I'm going over To your house

To apologize To your father.

You are?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I must be More threatening Than I thought.

Well, you are A scary sight,

But I shouldn't have Kicked you out,

And I'm sorry I yelled at you.

So I'm welcome At the winslows'?

I don't know About welcome,

But you'll be, uh, Well, you'll, uh,

You'll be tolerated.

Thanks, big guy.

[sentimental music plays]

Where is that Music coming from?