Original subtitles

So the mother said to her son, "I want you to be good."

And the kid said, "I'll be good If you give me a dollar."

And what did she say?

She said, "Why can't you be good For nothing like your father?"

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts And opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Hurry up and try The cake, mom.

We made it Ourselves.

Mmm.

Oh, my..

You like it, mom?

Like it?

Like isn't The word, honey.

This cake is Unbelievable.

Well, there's Something...

A unique taste...

Horseradish.

That's why it cleared My sinuses.

Mom, making the cake Was my idea.

Richie!

Well, it was.

So what? We made it together.

-but I thought of it. -no, you didn't.

-yes, I did! -no, you didn't!

-yes, I did. -time out!

Richie! You know, what you just Did wasn't very nice.

Why not?

Because honey, there are times When you should take the credit

And there are other times When you should share it.

Let me give you two different Examples of taking credit.

Now, the first one Started two weeks ago...

-you think we lost him? -yup!

With all the twists And turns we took,

There's no way steve could've Followed us home.

Aah! Hi, guys!

Steve, how'd You beat us?

Well, I just came Straight here.

For some unknown reason, you Guys were running all over town.

Oh, sit down. Relax. I made some sandwiches.

Sink your gums Into a bllt.

What's a bllt?

Bacon, lettuce, And liver tartar.

Ugh!

-hi, kids. -hi, mom.

You...Are An amazing woman.

I am?

Absolutely.

Somehow, you manage To keep a spotless home,

Hold down A taxing job,

And keep your fridge Well stocked with liver.

And you do it all So effortlessly,

With no visible strain Other than a droopy expression

And slight bags Under your eyes.

Thank you Ever so much.

Eddie, Look at this.

"Enter the chicago chronicle Short story contest."

Yeah. Now look, they're Gonna select five winners

In each age category, You should enter, eddie.

Why?

Because you have Writing talent.

I do?

He does? He does?

Yes.

Ed,you know how proud We all were of you

When you got a-plus in english On your last report card.

Proud? Hmm. I was dumfounded.

So was eddie's teacher.

She called me to tell Me how much your theme papers

Had improved.

Eddie?

Eddie winslow?

This eddie winslow?

Oh, lord, I've fallen into A parallel universe,

And I can't get up.

Eddie, I'm so proud Of you.

I can't wait to read Your short story.

B-b-but, mom...

-steve? -say no more, eddo.

I'll start writing the paper This very eve.

-thanks, buddy. -wait a minute.

Have you been doing Eddie's english papers?

Not "Doing," exactly.

More like...

Helping.

Exactly how much Did you help?

Well, I merely came Up with an idea,

And then I wrote down The actual words.

I did the rest.

Well, you just Must be exhausted.

Is he paying you For this?

I'm getting something far more Precious than money.

Friendship.

You see, eddie and rodney Are going camping next month.

And he said if I help them out, He'd take me along.

Wait a minute, steve. You're trying to buy Eddie's friendship.

No, I'm not.

I'm leasing with An option to buy.

Now, let's start the other Example of taking credit.

That very night, Your uncle carl And his boss

Were working On a stakeout.

Were they working hard?

Oh, yes.

Very hard.

Doughnut, sir?

-winslow? -yes, sir?

Will you find a location a Little closer to the warehouse?

Uh, sir...

You're looking through the wrong End of the binoculars.

I knew that.

Just wanted to see If you were on your toes.

Sir, when do you think They'll make their move?

Hard to tell.

Sometimes a doughnut will stay Inside me for a full week.

No, sir. I was referring To the suspects, sir.

Oh.

Hard to tell.

You know These slimeballs

Are selling computers To our nation's enemies?

You know...

I like you, winslow.

You do, sir?

You're a good man.

Steady Under pressure.

Well... Thank you, sir. I try.

I've studied Your record.

I know you like I know The back of my hand.

Well, I'm flattered, sir.

I've met your lovely Wife hannah...

Harriette, sir.

Your son, edmund...

Edward, sir.

Your daughter, leslie.

Laura.

And your sister-in-law Rachel.

-rachel, sir. -that's what I said.

Oh.

Yes, it is.

Rachel's very...

Pretty.

Maybe I'll give her A call sometime.

How do you think She feels about me?

Well, I--I--I-- I'm sure

That rachel feels Exactly the same way...

That I do, sir.

Excellent.

You know, I know We're on duty here,

But I think we should be On a first-name basis.

That okay with you, Kevin?

Uh, carl, sir.

Fine.

Sir, I don't believe I know your first name.

It's lieutenant.

Excuse me?

I had my first name Legally changed

When I achieved My present rank.

Sir, what Was your name before?

Sergeant.

Gotcha.

Can I count on you To be discreet, keith?

Carl, sir.

And certainly.

I need this bust.

You do? Why?

Captain davenport's Out to get me.

Really? But sir, I always Thought captain davenport--

He's jealous of me.

He knows I'm better qualified For his job than he is.

And he's too insecure To admit it.

And...One day, he caught me Wearing his uniform.

What?

I just wanted to see how I Looked with captain's bars.

But davenport threw A hissy fit...

Said there was no room on the Force for a gung-ho lunatic.

But if I make This bust...

I'll be High-profile.

A hero.

The commissioner Will take notice.

Then you can wear His uniform.

What?

Nothing, sir.

You know, kyle...

All my life,

All I've wanted Is to be a good cop.

I understand, sir.

And a porsche.

I want a porsche.

Meanwhile, steve went ahead And wrote a short story

For eddie.

10 days later, Guess what.

Do you believe it? Isn't it incredible?

I'm dumbfounded.

What's all The excitement?

-eddie! -oh...

You did it! You did it!

Did what?

You won first place in The short story contest!

Mom, I thought uncle steve Won the story contest.

Oh, he did, but at first, Eddie took credit for it.

Did he fess up?

Well, here's what happened.

Your mom and grandmom Were so excited,

They could hardly Contain themselves.

Come on. Let's go spread the News. I'm dying to brag.

Me, too. And helen winters,

Always flapping her gums About her granddaughter

Being a tv writer.

Wait till I tell her

My grandson Is a real writer.

Yeah!

Wow, first prize!

Mm-hmm.

Hello, eddo.

Oh, laura, my love... The wind's chapped my lips.

Would you care To heal them with a kiss?

Tell him, eddie. Tell me what?

Your short story Won first prize, steve.

Gee, no kidding.

Let me see.

"Congratulations," Blah, blah, blah...

"You're extremely Talented," blah, blah, blah...

Ooh, listen To this part!

"The judges unanimously selected Your short story,

"In search Of a dream,

"Because of its Inspiring depiction

Of a young Proctologist."

Not bad!

It's fantastic, steve. The problem is,

It's your story, Not eddie's.

Well, I came up With the title.

Well, laura, I don't care About the glory.

Besides, the whole thing Will be good for a laugh

When us guys are sitting Around the old campfire

Chewing our bazooka, Right, eddie?

Right, eddie?

Uh...Not exactly, steve.

You see, There's a minor snafu

Regarding The camping trip.

Snafu?

Yeah. You see, when I told Rodney about you going with us,

He thought it was A terrible idea.

Oh, typical, but you stood up For me. Right buddy?

Well, steve, I tried.

But rodney said I had To choose between you guys.

I see. And you chose rodney.

I'm sorry, steve.

We'll go camping together Some other time...

Just you and me. I promise, okay?

Okay.

Alright.

No, it's not okay!

Eddie winslow, Front and center!

News flash, eddie.

I have feelings.

Inside This scrawny chest, There beats a heart--

A heart that hurts.

And the reason it hurts

Is because I've tried very hard To be your friend,

And all you've done Is take advantage of me.

Well, that's going To stop right now.

I'm not your Personal doormat.

I'm her doormat.

-steve, listen-- -no, you listen.

Either you Take me camping

Or tell everybody who really Won the short story contest.

-is this a bluff? -try me.

Alright. I'm gonna Go tell my mom

That you've been doing my English papers for me.

And truth is steve, I have Been feeling guilty

About taking Advantage of you,

So I'm gonna go call Rodney right now

And tell him you're Going camping

Whether he likes it Or not.

-thanks, eddie. -you're welcome.

Eddie? Yeah?

Well, um...Yeah.

How about Those bears?

Aunt rachel, what happened To my dad and his crazy boss?

Well, that very night, They were on a stakeout

For the 10th night In a row.

78. A new Personal best.

Congratulations.

Sure you don't want To give her another try?

No, thanks. My nose still hurts.

-you know what you need? -a career change?

No.

Some italian food.

There's a place Down the street.

Great eggplant Parmesan.

Oh...Well, sir...

Eggplant is great, But, um...

According to regulations,

A stakeout team Should never separate.

Don't quote regulations To me, winslow.

I helped write the Damn regulations.

It's up to me if I want To violate myself.

No wonder the criminals Are winning.

Baker 1, this is Charlie 2! Come in!

What do you want, carl?

Lou! Lou! It's going down now!

What? You want us To grab them?

No, let me get some pictures, And then I'll give the word.

Alright. Alright.

Alright.

Truck.

Computers.

Gotcha.

Hah. Suspects.

Okay. Open up The briefcase.

Come on, Open up the briefcase.

Show him the money. That's it.

Hah.

Too bad I can see you And you can't see me.

I forgot to ask you about Dessert. You want a cannoli?

Lieutenant, kill the lights!

Lou! Now! Go! Go! Go!

Ken, you Could've warned me!

[siren]

-lieutenant maytag-- -that's murtagh.

M-u-r...Tagh.

Got it. What kind of computers Were the suspects selling?

Computers.

Well...The computers Were, um...

Duh...

Um...

They were the high-power, High-capacity computers

Of the type used by The united states military.

Lieutenant, have you Determined what country

The computers Were being sold to?

Oh. Well, The, um...

Oh, um...

Um...

Uh, not as of yet, but we do Know the destination

Was somewhere In the middle east.

Sergeant winslow, why are you Supplying all the answers?

Well, the lieutenant here Is a modest man...

But he planned and executed This entire operation,

And I am proud To work under lieutenant

Lieutenant murtagh.

Thank you, Gentlemen.

Well, it's over.

Good bust.

You'll probably get A commendation.

And I just might get My promotion.

Carl...

Yes, sir?

You not only covered for me, You gave me the credit.

Why?

Well, sir, it really doesn't Matter who did what.

I mean, you went out To get us eggplant,

I stayed here And ducked bullets.

It balances out.

No, it doesn't.

I messed up, big time.

A lot of guys would've Taken advantage of that

And hogged All the glory.

Instead...You Shared it with me.

Well, sir, The bottom line is,

We're a team.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Sir.

So you see, honey

There are times you have To stand up for yourself

Like uncle steve did.

And there are times,

When it's really nice To share the credit.

The way uncle carl did?

Exactly.

Judy, I'm sorry that I hogged all the credit.

That's okay. You're young.

Okay. Give me a hug.

You two go on upstairs And hop into bed.

And I'll come Tuck you in, in a minute.

Okay.

Whoa! Nobody should Take credit for this.

This cake Could kill ya.