Original subtitles

Richie crawford.

I told you, no candy Before dinner.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Honey, now that You're a big boy

You're gonna have to learn To listen to your conscience.

What's a conscience?

Your conscience is a tiny Little voice inside your head

That tells you when you're Doing something wrong.

Understand?

I guess so. But what about that Even louder voice.

Louder voice?

Yeah, that one inside my tummy That says, "Gimme candy."

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

We're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Here's the sugar, Sugar.

Wow.

There's todd helms, That new transfer Student.

Isn't he gorgeous?

Well, seems a might tall.

Probably A pituitary problem.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm todd helms.

Oh, me, too.

Oh, I mean, I'm laura winslow.

Is the waiter job open?

It's filled.

No, it isn't. Applications Are over there.

Fill one out, Then talk to My aunt rachel.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, laura.

Laura.

Gee, willakers.

Her hormones Are stampeding.

Uh, mr. Sniplitsky?

Right this way.

How are you?

Have a seat.

Now, um...

Have you ever worked In a restaurant before?

You have a lovely hat.

Thank you. I do try to Look my best.

It gives the place A sense of style.

Now, can you work Weekends?

You have a lovely hat.

Mr. Sniplitsky, What is your name?

You have a lovely hat.

I'm sorry, sir, But I need a waiter

Who can talk To my customers.

Uh, sir,

I do hope You understand.

Uh, goodluck In america.

You have a lovely hat.

Thank you.

Bye, now.

Bye-bye.

Watch That corner.

Bye-bye.

Uh, attention, please.

If you want this job,

You have To speak english.

Yo.

I talk good english.

Okay.

Your name is...

Look, I'll need Weekends off,

A month's paid vacation,

And free food for me And my friends.

Next!

Laura, why are you Ogling that giraffe?

Steve, todd happens to be A great basketball player.

He led his school To the state Championship.

Well, I was Just re-elected Equipment manager

Of the golf team.

Anybody needs a putter, They come to me.

Welcome aboard.

Well, we have Our new waiter.

Yes!

I mean, Congratulations.

Thanks.

Well, I have a rival for laura.

A tall rival.

Well, then I'll just Buy me some stilts And win her back.

What's a three letter word For pleasure?

Men.

What about fun?

They can be.

You will not believe What happened to me today.

After lunch, I went jogging In the park--

Come on, carl.

You? Jog?

Well, actually, I was chasing The ice cream truck,

But as I jumped the hedge, I saw something shiny.

Feast your eyes on this.

Carl!

Are those diamonds real?

Extremely.

They must be worth Thousands.

15,450.

I had it appraised.

Ooh-whee!

It was just lying there. Not a soul around.

So is it ours?

Are you nuts? We can't keep this.

You're right. We can't keep it.

Yeah. We'll sell it.

With 15 grand, We can take That dream vacation.

Our caribbean cruise?

You got it, babe.

* won't you let me Take you on a sea cruise? *

Forget about the cruise.

Diamonds are A girl's best friend.

Uh, now, mother,

There will be Plenty left over.

I'll buy you A prettier bracelet-- Less ostentatious.

You mean cheaper.

Mama, let's not Count our diamonds Before they're hocked.

I have to turn this in,

But if nobody claims it Within 30 days, it's ours.

Good.

Uh-oh.

Here's an inscription--

"To my precious Poopsie."

Well, that doesn't help.

This city is packed With poopsies.

Let's look at those Cruise brochures.

You still have them?

I've been filing them away Under "F"--for fat chance.

23, 24, 25.

Two!

I feel great.

Not me.

I've lost laura.

Look on the bright side. You never had her.

Thanks, but there's A new wrinkle.

What is it?

You know Todd helms.

Sure. Great ball player.

Real nice guy. Babes love him.

A simple "I know the dude" Would have sufficed.

Well, what about him?

Well, he's flunking Geometry,

Which means He'll get bounced off The basketball team.

His pop will ground him, Meaning no dates with laura,

Which is good for me, Except todd asked me To tutor him.

Now what do you think of Them apples.

What was That first thing again?

Think, man. Todd's my rival.

The only obstacle Between me And my lady love.

Steve, the only obstacle Between you and laura

Is you.

Boy, I hold todd's fate In the palm of my hand.

Should I teach him To fly high

Or squash him Like an insect?

Mom, What's the capital Of belgium?

I'll give you A hint--

Which vegetable Do you hate the most?

The capital of belgium Is broccoli?

Brussels, judy.

As in brussels sprouts?

I'll let that all sink in While I go play nintendo.

Hello, babe.

Hi, honey.

Any calls today About the bracelet?

Not one.

Although I am Sort of surprised,

What with that big ad You put in the paper.

Carl, you did Place the ad.

Oh, sure. Full page.

You popped for A full-page ad

In the chicago chronicle?

Well, not exactly.

What, exactly?

It's, uh...

It's in The amish almanac.

Harriette, I'm sorry, But I feel we fulfilled Our obligation here.

We turned The bracelet in.

Now it's up to poopsie To claim it.

Carl, think about it.

Right now, Poor poopsie's

Probably Crying her eyes out.

Harriette, believe me, Poopsie is not poor.

Well, even so.

We have to try To find the owner.

Then if nobody Claims it,

You'll have A clearer conscience.

Not like I did Anything wrong.

My conscience is clear.

Is it really, carl?

Who are you?

I'm your conscience,

And I'm not Feeling very clear.

What do you mean?

You haven't Really tried to find

The owner of the bracelet, Have you, carl?

Well, I...I...

Hey, carl. Don't Listen to that wimp!

It's finders-keepers, Losers-weepers.

He's got a point.

Yeah, and it's On his tail.

Sss!

Heh heh heh!

Besides, You're a police officer.

It's your duty To help people.

He's got a point.

Yeah, on his head.

Carl...

Cheaters never prosper.

Sure they do.

Wake up and smell The sulfur.

You've worked hard, Been honest, What's it got you?

A second mortgage, And a $10-a-day Doughnut habit.

Now wait a minute, bub.

Hey, that's beelzebub To you, bro.

Carl, ignore him.

He's naughty.

Hey. Butt out!

Are you Willing to trade Your self-respect

For a caribbean cruise?

Well...

* day-o *

* day-o *

* daylight come And me want to go home *

That's enough.

I'm going to try my best To return the bracelet.

Way to go, carl.

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

Uh, steve?

Yeah?

Can I talk to you About todd?

Gee, todd this, Todd that.

I'm getting tired Of hearing about Your hot toddy.

Look, steve,

I'd really appreciate it If you tutor todd.

Aren't you realizing What you're asking?

I'm jealous of todd, And I'm supposed to help?

Why not drop A boulder on my foot,

Shove bamboo shoots Under my fingernails,

Or scoop my eyeballs out With a melon baller?

So will you do it?

Well, I'll think about it.

Oh...

Gee, this is a toughie.

What the devil Am I going to do?

You called?

Who are you?

I'm your dark side.

Your underbelly.

Your worst impulse.

Heh heh heh!

In short, I'm your id, kid.

Well, what do you want?

Why, to help you out, Buddy-boy.

You've been overlooking The perfect solution

To your problem.

Oh?

Well, tell me more.

Promise to tutor todd,

Then give him All the wrong answers.

He'll be Out of the picture,

And then you'll get Luscious laura.

Heh heh!

Sss!

Whoa.

Bad urkel.

Is that the way You want to win laura,

Through treachery And deceit?

Well?

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

If laura finds out That you gave todd All the wrong answers,

She'll lose All respect for you.

Oh, sure, like she Respects him now.

Hey!

Listen, steve?

Look, I hate to Keep bugging you,

But I'm really Desperate.

I'm going To fail math,

And you're My only hope. Please tutor me.

Okay.

Okay. Go get your books.

You're the best.

Well, you'll give him All the wrong answers, Aren't you?

No. I'm going to give him The right ones.

Ahh...

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

* hallelujah *

All ashore Who's going ashore!

Get your shuffleboard sticks. We are shipping out!

Carl, has it been A month already?

Yes, and it's all ours. Free and clear!

Just think about it, babe-- You, me, moonlit deck...

Starry skies,

Waves rushing by...

Caribbean, Here we come!

[doorbell rings]

May I help you?

I hope so.

Are you the people Who found my diamonds?

No.

Mother winslow!

Mother winslow.

Hello.

The police Gave me this address.

Do I have The wrong house?

No, you don't. Please come in.

Thank you, my dear.

I'm eunice peavy.

I'm harriette winslow. Here's my husband carl

And my mother-in-law Estelle.

Hello.

Please have a seat.

Thank you very much.

To the couch.

Thank you.

I would've Been here sooner,

But I was on A caribbean cruise.

Please, may I Have my jewelry?

Oh, excuse me,

But perhaps you'd like To describe it first?

Of course.

It's Pave diamonds

Set in 18-karat gold.

Well, you're right, So far.

Can you tell us what The inscription says?

Certainly. "To my precious poopsie."

This city is packed With poopsies.

Carl, give it up.

It's hers.

Here you go, Ma'am.

Oh!

Oh!

Carl! Carl!

I'm so happy!

Oh, it's so refreshing To discover

There's still good, Honest people In this world.

How can I thank you?

It's not Necessary. It's not Necessary.

Perhaps a cash reward?

That sounds good. Well...

Here's $20.

$20.

Don't argue.

I insist.

Oh, well.

Ta-ta,

And thank you Ever so much.

I can't begin To tell you How grateful I am.

Ever since we lost this,

Poopsie hasn't Eaten a bite.

Excuse me, Excuse me.

I'm a little Confused here.

Aren't you poopsie?

Oh, my, no!

Poopsie's my kitty cat.

Oh, hi, mrs. Urkel.

Oh.

I'm sorry, mr. Urkel.

Uh, is steve there?

No. Don't bother him If he's making pizza.

He can just--

Hello?

Hi, laura. I'd have been here sooner,

But you caught me In mid-twirl.

You didn't have to rush. I wanted to tell you

That todd got A "B" in geometry-- Thanks to you.

Well, gee, that's swell.

I hope you crazy kids

Will be Very happy together.

Now I'll head Back to urkel hut

And throw myself On the cheese grater.

Uh, steve?

You don't have to. Todd and I broke up.

Aw...

Well, that's A crying shame.

What happened?

Well...

All he talks about Is basketball. He's obsessed.

The only song He knows

Is sweet Georgia brown.

Aha! So you realized

A strong mind Is more important Than a tall body.

Well...

Which leaves The door wide open For yours truly,

Being 98% brain And 2% brawn.

Uh, steve...

Oh, laura, We'll be so happy.

Want to go pick out Our china pattern?

It's true I want a guy With something upstairs,

But I also want A well-built staircase.

Oh, well. No problemo.

I'll begin A training schedule.

Why, a few sessions On the muscle master,

And you'll be drooling Over my deltoids.

[crack]

Laura?

What, steve?

I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?