Original subtitles

Okay, alright.

Let's see...

Munchies.

Comfy couch.

Remote control.

Ahh, the good life.

Okay, mom, bring it in.

Alright, sweetheart.

Be careful, harriette.

Yeah, okay

Wait a minute. Hold up.

Harriette, I'm trying To watch the football game.

-look at my new playhouse. -this baby's really loaded--

It's got a table, a phone, A swinging door..

A mortgage.

Good luck putting it Together, uncle carl.

Oh, harriette.

Please, uncle carl?

Richie, I'll put it together After the game.

How long is that?

Three hours.

I'll be too big For it by then.

But, richie, it's the bears And the vikings.

Please, uncle carl?

I love you...

A bushel and a peck

And a hug Around the neck.

Okay, okay

-he never had a chance. -mm-mmm.

* it's a rare condition In this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you, Room for me *

* for gentle hearts And opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Hi, big guy.

What do you want?

Why don't you Just wear a hat Like everybody else?

Steve, I'm in No mood for this.

Why the sour puss, My portly pouting pal?

Well, I have to assemble This playhouse for richie.

Ooh, you want some help?

No, thanks.

I mean, it's just a kid's toy.

How hard can it be?

Yikes!

No problemo.

Just put yourself In the hands

Of master Builder urkel.

Okay, you read The instructions

While I lay out All the pieces.

Okay.

"Mun-je il-- Chee-goom

"In-uhn Muhl-gohn duhrurh

"Chogng hwak-ki

Chom-kohm Ha-ship-shi-yo."

What are you Babbling about?

This page Is in korean.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. They misspelled three words.

You can read korean?

Why, sure, it's A beautiful language.

I'll teach you. Let's start With a common korean phrase.

Nomo-giets-itsomera.

Mut-irosomera.

What's that mean?

I've fallen And I can't get up.

I'll get us some tools.

You, lay out all The pieces.

I've fallen And I can't get up.

Harriette, Maybe I shouldn't Have asked carl

To build Richie's playhouse.

After all, he's not Exactly mr. Fix-it.

That's not true.

Remember last month He installed that Extra light socket?

It works perfectly.

That's true,

And his eyebrows have Just about grown back.

Jolene, I've got a Chest hair update for you.

I'm up to a dozen.

By this summer... I should be a rug.

Attention, everybody.

I can't find My screwdriver.

I didn't take it.

Me, neither.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Dad, I'm in the middle of A very important conversation.

Binky bear can't wait To see his winky bear.

Edward, have you seen My phillips screwdriver?

Yeah, last week, I used it To fix my bike.

Well, where is it now?

Dad, I don't know.

I'm busy here.

Sorry, winky bear, But binky bear

Has to talk To papa bear. Bye-bye.

Dad, I can't believe You did that!

Edward, what did you do With my screwdriver?

-I don't remember. -you don't remember?

Why can't you remember Where you put One screwdriver?

Because that's Not important.

Give me A break, okay?

Edward, I have told you A thousand times

That when you borrow My tools, put them back Where they belong.

Okay, okay.

You know better than To misplace my tools.

My dad misplaced one Of his tools once.

Boy, was he upset.

Of course, he's A brain surgeon.

So, it's tough wondering Which of your patients

Has a clamp In his cranium.

Steve, this is A family discussion.

And I'm darn proud To be part of it.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Edward, I want to know

Where my screwdriver is.

Dad, I don't know where it is. Look, I'll buy you a new one.

Edward, I can do that myself.

Great. Thanks, dad.

Hold it!

Edward, you're still Missing the point here.

What is the point?

The point is, this Screwdriver incident

Is just Another example

Of your total lack Of respect

For people and Their property.

It is?

Yes, it is.

You start off by Forgetting screwdrivers,

Next thing you know, You're dropping Out of school,

You can't get a job,

And you wind up wearing A cardboard belt,

Selling your blood For a bowl of soup.

What kind of soup?

What difference Does that make?

Well, I don't know. It's your story.

Uh, I got to get going.

Hold it, edward. We are not through here.

-I've to get ready for my date. -no, you don't.

You're grounded.

What?

Over a stupid Screwdriver?

Son, it's not The screwdriver.

It's your attitude I don't like.

Well, maybe I don't like Your attitude.

Uh-oh.

Alright. That's it. Go to your room.

Look, dad--

Go!

Carl, how about a little Transcendental meditation?

As the great maharishi Moskvich once said--

Scram!

That's not exactly what he said But it's close enough.

Eddie.

Shh!

-going someplace? -yes.

I'm taking jolene To the concert.

And your life In your hands.

Eddie, dad grounded you. If you leave, He'll kill you.

Laura, it'll be worth it

To see jolene in Her new miniskirt.

Well, congratulations, eddie.

For what?

You'll be making license plate For your first car.

Laura, thanks for Your concern.

But as they say In france, sionara.

Dad! Hi.

Hi.

Hey, you found That screwdriver.

Well, actually, Urkel found it.

He used his metal detector And combed our backyard.

He found the screwdriver, 38 cents,

And a mood ring.

Great.

So where were you?

Uh, I was in the garage

Looking for The screwdriver?

Really? So is this

Your screwdriver Hunting outfit?

Well, I--I...

Lipstick On the collar.

Edward, Were you necking

With the Weed-whacker again?

Okay, dad, I went to The concert with jolene.

You, uh...

You really like That girl, don't you?

I sure do, dad.

I hope she's worth Dying for.

Look, dad--

No, you look.

Edward, I went up to Your room to apologize

Thinking maybe I was Too rough on you.

But judging from your behavior,

I haven't been Rough enough.

Dad, you just Don't understand.

This date was really Important to me tonight.

Well, I hope You enjoyed yourself.

You're not gonna Have another one For a very long time.

-you're grounded for one month. -what? No way.

-make that two months! -what's going on in here?

Mom, dad's acting like A maniac again.

Make that three months!

-carl! -let me tell you something.

As long as you Live under my roof,

You will Live by my rules.

Then maybe I should Find another roof.

Eddie!

-so you're moving out? -well, yeah.

Well, fine!

Fine!

Fine!

Is everything okay?

Fine! Fine!

Carl.

I don't want To hear it!

Well, you're going to.

This thing's gotten Way out of hand.

We can't let eddie move out.

Where's eddie going?

Nowhere. Go back to bed.

Can I have his room?

Go!

Guys, I feel terrible. This is all my fault.

I should never have asked you to Put together richie's playhouse.

I'm his mother.It's My responsibility.

True, I'm no good At those things,

But we learn By doing.

Rachel--

But I didn't do. Now look What I've done.

You're mad at eddie, eddie's mad At you, I'm mad at me.

I tell you, This is a madhouse.

This whole family Has gone off The deep end.

Carl, we can't let Our son move out.

Harriette...

I will not tolerate Outright disobedience.

Now, I don't ask for much,

But there's one thing I do Demand and that's respect.

You know Eddie respects you.

Harriette, the boy Deliberately antagonizes me.

He knows everything That gets my goat.

Carl, be fair.

Your goat's gotten old, And it's easier to get.

Oh, sure. Take his side.

There are no sides here. We're a family.

Please go up And talk to eddie And settle this.

Harriette, he's the one Who disobeyed.

He's the one Who wants to leave.

So, he's the one who Has to come to me.

Carl--

Harriette, I have spoken!

Whatever you say, King carl.

But if prince edward Leaves this kingdom,

You will be sleeping On the royal couch.

Eddie...

Go back upstairs.

Mom, I'm leaving. Don't try And talk me out of it.

Oh?

Well, Where you going?

Someplace where They don't have Any screwdrivers.

You know this fight's Not about screwdrivers.

It's because you Disobeyed your father.

But, he didn't Have to ground me.

That was Excessive punishment.

Police brutality.

I don't want you To leave.

Don't worry, mom. I'll be fine.

-where will you sleep? -I don't know.

-what will you do for money? -I don't know.

-how will you buy food? -I don't know.

Well, at least You have a plan.

Well, mom, anything is Better than staying here.

Your father's Not that bad.

Oh, really? Why don't you try Living with him?

But dad Drives me crazy.

Did you ever think That maybe you Drive him crazy?

Sure, take his side.

Eddie.

You know your Father loves you.

Mom, he sure doesn't Act like it.

No matter what I do, It's never good enough.

He's always on my back.

I don't even think He likes me.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Harriette, What are you doing?

Come, come. Come on. Sit down.

Edward, you, too.

Harriette-- Mom--

Sit!

The reason you two Don't get along

Is because you're so much alike.

No way! No way!

Look at this.

The two most important Men in my life

Acting like Big babies.

He started it.

Nuh-uh! Did, too.

Did'nt. Did!

Listen up, you two!

Now, I want To tell you a story--

-mom! -aw, harriette--

Ah! Unh!

Now...

This is a true story.

It happened 16 years ago...

On january 28, 1974.

My birthday?

It wasn't supposed to be,

But you were As impatient then As you are now.

We had just moved Into this house.

And we hadn't finished Unpacking. It was 1:30 In the morning,

In the middle of A terrible snowstorm.

Alright.

Okay

Okay

Carl!

You're forgetting Two things--

Your wife And your pants.

Oh!

Oh, my god. I'm sorry, honey.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just swell.

Come on, let's go Cut some lumber.

It's a wonder You ever made a baby

In the first place.

Things went From bad to worse.

We were completely Snowed in.

The phones were dead,

And we had no way To get to the hospital.

So we did what Anyone would do-- We panicked.

Carl...Relax.

Relax. Relax.

Yeah, relax. Uh-huh.

Now, you're a cop.

I'm a cop.

You're trained to handle These situations.

I'm trained. I took a class once.

The baby Was plastic.

I put him On the radiator, And he melted.

Aah!

Aah! What happened? Tell me what to do!

-go boil some water! -good idea!

I could Use some coffee!

Aah!

Tea! Cocoa! Sweetheart,

I'll drink Anything you want!

Aah! Oh! Carl, carl, The baby's coming!

Hand me a pillow! Hand me a pillow!

Pillow! Pillow!

Oh!

I can't Find a pillow!

Oh!

Carl! Carl! Carl!

Pillow! Pillow! Pillow!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Harriette, you're Falling off the couch!

Oh!

Get it together, babe!

Oh! Oh!

What else do you Want me to do?

Let's breathe.

Let's breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe, carl.

Okay we're Breathing. Okay.

I love you, honey.

I love you, too.

But you're never Touching me again.

Finally the phone started Working again.

And we called our doctor.

He skied right over

Just in time to be too late.

Carl, you did A great job.

Gee, thanks, doc.

Your wife and your son Are doing just fine.

Thanks. Okay.

Hello, mom.

Hello, dad.

Would you like To hold your son?

Oh, yeah.

Hello, edward.

I'm your dad.

Isn't he beautiful?

Oh, yeah.

Looks Just like you.

I think he looks More like you.

Yeah, he does.

Edward.

My son.

What a wonderful word.

You know, I'm real Nervous right now.

I never been A father before.

Then again, you never Been a son before.

I tell you what--

We'll learn together.

I just want to tell you...

I love you With all of my heart.

And I'll never forget How proud I am...

Right now....

Son.

Did you really Say those things?

Well...Ahem.

Something like that.

Dad, I'm sorry I disobeyed you.

I shouldn't Have snuck out.

Well, I might have Over-reacted...

A little.

I can promise you One thing--

I'll never lose Another screwdriver.

You know...

I remember once...

I used My father's hammer

To mix A can of paint.

At the time, He didn't think

That hammers Should be purple.

Man.

He grounded me For one whole week.

Man, I thought He was the world's Biggest jerk.

Now look at me.

I'm him.

Dad, if it makes you Feel any better,

One day I'll probably have a kid Who'll drive me crazy, too.

I sure hope so.

Dad...

I'd like to stay.

I would like that, Too, son.