Original subtitles

Here you go, sweetie.

A purple tree?

Yeah. I like To use different colors.

Good idea.

Mom, how come some people Are black and white or brown.

Well, honey,

I guess god likes to use Different colors too.

Hello, honeys, how you doing?

Oh, the tennis lady.

Are you playing Alice grayson again?

No, she's not good enough.

Janet laythrow?

Not good enough.

Mildred peabody?

She's no way near Good enough.

Hello, estelle. Ready to hit The tennis courts?

Just let me grab my racquet.

Stay right there. I'll bring it to you.

Is he good enough?

Honey, he's a terrible player.

But, uh, he's good enough.

Get outta here.

* it's a rare condition In this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* but we'll smother the blues With tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts And opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Hey, sweetie.

Hi, carl.

Mmm...

How was your day?

Great. I had a stakeout At doughnut world.

How was your day?

Oh, fine...

Until judy's teacher Called me at work.

Who, mrs. Fuzzlip?

Carl, it's mrs. Fezlik.

Bad enough the kids Call her fuzzlip.

But, harriette, You've seen her.

If ever there was a lip Begging for electrolysis...

I'm sorry.

So what did Fuzzlip want?

Seems judy hasn't been Doing her book reports.

She's heading For a "D" in english.

A "D"? Where is she?

Upstairs.

Hey, carl, Carl, carl.

I want you To bring up The subject...

Delicately.

You're right, Sweetheart.

[shouting] Judy, why didn't You tell us

You're getting Flunked by fuzzlip?

Get you back.

Watch the right. Watch it.

Hey, hey, hey.

I can't believe You beat me 19 games of pool.

Actually, it was 20.

But who's counting?

Let's see...

20 games At a buck each.

You owe me--

$20.

But who's counting?

You lucked out This time.

Next time, I'm going To whip you.

Rodney, try to get Your oars near the water.

When it comes to pool,

You couldn't sink The titanic.

Can I hurt him? Not in The house.

Come on outside. I want to show you Something.

Uh-uh.

Hi!

Snookums!

Oh, bye.

Laura, I need your Advice on something.

I'm thinking About switching To bikini briefs.

You're right.

I'll just stick with My trusty old boxers.

Hey, what's up, Dudes?

Don't you love it When the big guy Tries to act hip?

Dad, I just Finished playing Pool with rodney.

I wiped the floor With him.

Alright!

Like father, Like son.

You played pool?

Did I play pool?

Son, down at The corner pocket,

They used to call me "Rack 'n' roll" winslow.

Well, they call me "Fast eddie."

And I Just took rodney For 20 big ones.

Son, I don't want You gambling.

Trust me, carl.

With rodney, It's not gambling.

Right, eddo?

Right.

Hey, guys, we're Too young to be in here!

That is, Without our wives.

Urkel, just keep Your mouth shut.

Oh, these lips are zipped.

Whoo-ee!

These fellas know how To use that wooden stick.

Yeah.

You play?

I played A spell back home.

Where's that?

Bull water, texas.

Bull water?

Yep. Tiny place.

If you lay down, Your feet are In another town.

Stop! Another One like that,

And I'll Probably wet My boxers.

You want to Play a game?

Sure. That's right Neighborly of you.

Ever play for money?

Oh, gosh, no.

Well, there's a first time For everything.

Shucks, why not?

Name's boyd higgins,

But my friends Call me buck.

Name's eddie winslow, But my friends Call me...

Eddie.

I'm rodney.

My friends Call me rodmeister.

And I'm steve urkel.

I don't get many calls.

Rack 'em, steve.

Racking.

Let's make it Eightball,

5 bucks a game.

Okle-dokle.

Bust 'em up.

It's fine! It's fine!

Eightball, Side pocket.

Yeah!

Five games in a row.

Let's flash some cash.

How about we Raise the stakes-- $25 a game?

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Eddie, Don't you think It's kind of odd

That he wants to Raise the stakes

After losing Five games?

Steve...

He just wants To get his money back.

Could be.

Or the hoodwinkee Has become The hoodwinkor.

That texas boy Is handing you a Line of bull water.

Go home.

But--

Go home, steve.

I won't stand here And take that From you.

I'm going home.

Let's do it.

This little bitty Pocket here.

Yeah!

Well, cousin, I'm up 10 games.

Looks like You owe me $250.

Time To settle up.

Now?

No. Let's wait Till my birthday.

Eddie, I don't think This guy's from texas.

You're a quick study, Rodmeister.

And I want The bread now.

You see, when I play,

It's cash or carry.

Give me the cash...

Or get carried out.

I'm temporarily Tapped out,

So how's about I bring you The money tomorrow?

Okay

Just one thing-- Chuckie!

Eddie winslow...

263 pinehurst,

555-6278,

Father--carl. Mother--harriette.

Younger sister judy On her way to a "D" In english.

So, winslow, You got a choice--

Show up with The money tomorrow,

Or stay home and Watch your body heal.

Rodney, where Am I going To find $239?

240, 260, 280, 300.

So, steve, baby, What's going on?

I'm going to Buy a telescope.

A telescope?

Sometimes I forget Who I'm talking to.

A telescope Is a long tube

That lets me Look at things Real far away.

And a fist is A bunch of fingers

That lets me Knock an urkel Real far away.

Uh, so, steve, Could you lend me $239?

Now, why in Sam hill should I?

Eddie lost it Playing pool With that guy.

If he doesn't Show up with a Fistful of cash,

His face Gets pounded.

Aha.

So you got hustled...

Taken, fleeced, conned--

Okay, steve, That's enough.

I seem to remember

A high-pitched, Nasal voice of reason

Trying to warn you Of your impending folly,

But did you Heed my advice?

No, sir!

Forget it, steve!

I'll loan you The money.

Hey! Thanks.

On two conditions.

One--I go to the pool hall With you.

No sweat.

And two--

You have to be my very Best buddy for a week.

A day?

Dead men don't bargain.

A week it is...

Pal.

Uh, steve?

Where Are you going?

The corner pocket.

Your shift starts In five minutes.

If I don't go,

Some guy's going To tap-dance On eddie's face.

Excuse me?

Uh...

You probably weren't Supposed to know that,

So amnesia's The word, okay?

What?

Good!

How's the book?

Boring. Look how big And thick it is.

"Swiss family robinson."

Who wants to read About cheese?

I can see where that Could be a problem.

Some reading is boring.

I read a book

Where this family Was stranded On a deserted island.

That's not boring. That's neat.

Then they built This big tree house--

Wow! What book is that?

This one.

But you're Not interested.

Mom!

Hey, how's The reading going?

I got a feeling It's coming along.

Winslow, You showed up.

Where's the bread?

Right here. 250 bucks, buck.

Or you can play me, Double or nothing.

Steve, Give him the money.

Sure... If he's chicken.

What?

I said, If you're chicken.

Eightball. Okay

One game. You're on.

$500.

Bad breath.

Steve.

What are you doing?

Fear not, big e.

I play a plethora Of pool when I have Time to myself,

Which is quite often.

I'll break.

May we both rise To the challenge That awaits us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Missed By a cat's hair.

Hearty good try, though.

You see, pool Is a game of angles.

One must cue At an angle To the object ball

So that it travels In the same angle To the impact point.

Let's see...

An 82-degree angle

Intersected by A 42-degree vector...

Let's see... Cue ball velocity,

Jupiter's in retrograde...

Harvest moon...

Shoot!

Shooting.

Alright!

Bring it home, mama.

The rogue's on the run, And I've got the gun.

Nice shot, my man.

Sorry.

Ah, yes. I'm perfectly Set up to run the table.

Those are Major glasses.

Mind if I check them out?

Oh, why, Help yourself.

I was considering Contacts,

But my eyeballs won't Support the weight.

Sorry.

Oops.

Hey, that was No accident.

Leave the kid alone.

Sure.

Your shot.

I can't See a thing.

Tough break. You forfeit.

Pay up.

No can do. You didn't Play fairsies.

You want I should Give him a tour Of the alley?

Please.

I'd love to, But I forgot my camera.

Hey!

Let him go.

Hey, you guys, Be gentle. Come on, guys.

Hey, can't we Talk this over?

What a lousy tour! I want my money back!

Put him down.

Carl?

Yes, It's me, steve.

Big guy!

Wait. I smell polident.

Hi, estelle.

Hello, steve.

Dad, how did you Know we were here?

Steve told Your aunt rachel.

So, uh, what's going on?

Boyd whipped eddie,

Eddie borrowed Money from me,

I'm playing boyd,

Boyd Broke my glasses,

500 on the line, Can't see a darn thing.

Nice summary.

Well, it looks like I'm going to Have to fill in.

No way. It's not fair.

Well, it seems to me

If I look Around hard enough,

I could find A few laws being Broken around here.

You have a choice--

You can let me fill in,

Or you can go To cook county jail.

You got stripes.

Thanks.

Oh, yes...

And if I win,

Nobody owes nobody.

Hurt 'em, big guy.

Yeah!

That next shot's Impossible.

There's no way You can make that.

You're right.

But, uh...She will.

Do your stuff, mama.

Excuse me.

It's a free country.

I can stand Where I want.

Suit yourself.

I think I'll move now.

Corner pocket.

Oh, man.

Dad, if you and grandma Hadn't shown up,

I'd probably be flossing Felt out of my teeth.

Well, you Shouldn't have been In that predicament.

Didn't I warn you About gambling?

Yeah, but I thought I could beat him.

See, there you go.

When it comes To gambling,

There's No such thing As a sure thing.

That's why they Call it gambling.

My pool-playing days Are over.

I'm taking An early retirement.

You don't have To do that, edward.

You're Good at the game.

You just shouldn't Play for money.

Remember--you may Be good, but there's Always somebody better.

Except when It comes to dads.

You're the champ.

Aw, thanks.

Look out, now.

Dad, you know what The worst part of this is?

To get the money From steve,

I had to promise I'd be his best buddy For a week.

Ouch.

Maybe I'll luck out And he'll forget About it.

There's my best buddy For a week.

I have our plans All mapped out.

Now...

"Monday, 5 a.M.-- Planetarium.

"6 a.M.--bug museum.

[crying] 7 a.M.-- Cheese factory."