Original subtitles

Bill...Bill...

Bill...

Tax refund?

That figures. Wrong address.

Hey, harriette.

Ahh.

Ohh.

Tough day?

Yeah. I finally caught up with That computer thief.

He used His boss' name

To order extra Equipment.

At least you caught him.

Oh, how's that New assistant?

Not so good.

He's the computer thief.

I heard Someone come in.

I thought It might be my date.

Date? Date?

Uh-huh.

W-w-well, Come over here.

Tell us about him.

Ooh. So, Who's your date?

Fletcher thomas.

Ooh, he's handsome.

Honey, He is a major hunk.

He's taking me To dinner, Then dancing.

And after that?

There may not be Any after that.

When men Mambo with mama,

They drop Like flies.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, please,

Don't mention it To carl.

Every time I get Interested in a man,

Carl has a hizzy-fit.

[ding-dong]

Hello, estelle.

You look absolutely Beautiful.

Fletcher, if you're Trying to sweet-talk me,

Good start.

A rose for a rose.

Ohh.

Don't wait up, Honey.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Night, mom.

Night.

Have a grape.

Great color.

Mm-hmm.

Got to study.

Yep.

School dance Next week. Night.

Wait, wait, Whoa, whoa, whoa!

School dance?

Yeah. Sadie hawkins-- Girls ask boys.

I'm asking Greg hudson.

Have I met him?

No.

But picture a greek god With his own moped.

Just make sure Mr. Apollo has you Home before 11:00.

11:00?

When will you realize

I'm becoming A mature woman?

When you Get through breakfast

Without spitting Cheerios at your sister.

Is that the nightgown I bought you?

Yes.

Let me see you Model it.

Oh, ohh...

So pretty.

Hello, gang.

Oh...

Laura...

Nightgown.

Ohhh...

Steve.

Steve.

Steve.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry, it was Just the shock

Of seeing laura In her unmentionables.

Oops. I mentioned them.

[judy] Mom! Richie Put silly glue

On the toilet seat Again!

Well, bring him Down here.

I can't.

Uh-oh.

Laura, I realize Money is scarce,

But why in tarnation Doesn't someone

Buy that woman Some shoes?

Steve...

What do you want?

Only to serve you, Milady.

* let's sit you down Upon the couch *

* doo dah, Doo dah *

* and pop some grapes Into your mouth *

* all the doo dah day *

* now you're In your place *

* I can fan your face *

Steve! What do you want?

I thought you might Like to ask me to The sadie hawkins dance.

Steve, listen--

I was waiting For you to call,

But that's like waiting For dan quayle to appear On jeopardy.

I was going to ask Greg hudson To the dance.

Greg hudson?

Smart, good-looking Rich guy?

But why?

Well, 'cause I sort of Like him a little.

Actually, a lot.

Actually, a whole lot.

Oh.

Oh, well, I--I see. I see.

Well...

I really hope You have a good time.

You'll probably Get stuck with Going in a limo.

That's too bad,

Because my cousin Was going to take us In his horse trailer.

Steve, Are you okay?

Yeah. It's just Something in my eye.

Oh, look. It was My finger.

I didn't mean To hurt you.

I didn't want to Lead you on.

I know. Tell you what--

You ask greg "Teeth-are- A-little-crooked" hudson,

But if he turns you down--

A decision which can Only be the result Of inbreeding--

I'll be there waiting. Deal?

Deal.

[school bell rings]

Hey, whatcha Gonna do, willie?

I'm trashing Urkel's locker.

Why you going to Do that, willie?

'cause it's tuesday.

Again?

[alarm sounds]

[alarm stops]

Alright. Come clean, fuffner.

I know you did this.

Not me, potato-face.

"Potato-face."

There's real mastery Of the english Language.

Fellow students,

I implore you,

Isn't there one of you with The guts to come forward

And testify Against this ruffian?

Sheep!

You're all sheep.

Oh, hi, laura.

Uh, greg?

Hi, laura.

Hi.

Hi.

Enough With the small talk.

Would you like To go to the sadie Hawkins dance?

I can't, laura. I'd like to, but--

Don't explain. I understand.

No, wait. You don't understand.

Good grief, man.

Have you just Taken leave Of your senses?

You were just asked out By the most wonderful

Woman in the world.

Keep your voice down.

I'd like to go, But willie won't let me.

Fuffner?

The locker looter?

Yeah.

He told laura, he wanted her To ask him to the dance.

She said no.

That's my feisty filly.

Well, willie's Getting back at her.

He said any guy Who goes with laura

Will end up breathing Through his ears.

Wow.

He wants her To go alone?

Worse.

He wants her to go With you.

Why, that swine.

We'll just see About that.

Fuffner...

I've heard of some Low things in my time

But forcing laura To go out with me,

Well, that's Plain despicable.

Thank you.

Sir, not only Have you harassed And insulted me,

But you have sullied The reputation

Of my lady love.

I demand Satisfaction.

He hit me With a mitten.

Be careful. He got another one.

Urkel, You are dead meat.

Hold me back! Hold me back!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Break it up! Break it up!

You want to take a trip To the principal's office?

No, sir.

I only wish to give This philistine

The pummeling He deserves.

What did he call me?

Phyllis somebody.

Let him go. He's mine!

I take it you both want To finish this fight.

Yeah.

I want you!

Okay, okay!

Noon, saturday, Silver's gym.

In the ring.

With proper Supervision.

I'll be there, Coach,

But 10 bucks says Urkel won't show.

I'll be there, Alright, fuffner

With bells on!

You really think He'll wear bells?

Gee, carl, thanks for Helping me hone my skills.

I'm so fast. I'm so pretty.

I'm a lean-mean Urkle machine.

Steve, are you sure You wanna go Through with this?

I have to. Laura's honor Has been impugned

By that pugnacious pile Of putrid pond poop.

Alright, climb in.

Let's see how much You have to learn.

Ready!

Swell.

Okay, show me your Fighting stance.

How's this?

Great, if you're Fighting the easter bunny.

Alright. Now show me Your fighting style.

Steve.

Steve.

Steve!

Huh?

That's not A fighting style.

That's a plea For help.

Well, teach me, carl.

Alright, I'll try,

But, steve, I strongly suggest

That you consider A different strategy.

Instead of trying To hit your opponent, run.

Ah, sort of like An urkel shuffle.

Right.

I'll work on that,

But could you show me A few punches anyway?

Okay, now, steve,

A boxer's most Important punch Is the jab.

It's a quick, Straight blow To your opponent's face.

Now let's See your jab.

How's that?

Fine, fine.

Just next time, Wait until I'm ready.

Oh, sorry, Big guy.

Another good punch Is the left hook.

The arm travels in a Circular motion

Hopefully connecting with Your opponent's chin.

And it's a Really good punch

If your opponent Is just using his jab.

Sorry, reflex.

Another good punch To have...

Is the right cross.

It's a power move--

A knock-you-out punch.

When you see An opening,

Your right hand comes Across your left hand

With all your weight Behind it, like this.

Don't overuse Your right cross.

You wanna save that For the perfect moment.

You'll mostly be relying

On your left hook And your jab.

That's enough For the day.

I couldn't believe-- I couldn't--

When we finished That mambo and Everybody applauded,

I was so proud I thought I'd bust a gut.

Be honest, fletcher.

They applauded Because you split Your pants.

Oh, fletcher, I had A wonderful time.

Me, too. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

I'm carl winslow.

Who the hell Are you?

I'm fletcher thomas. You must be estelle's son.

She's told me All about you.

Oh, really? That's funny.

She hasn't mentioned A thing about you.

By the way, I'm a cop.

That's nice.

Well, goodnight again, Estelle.

Goodnight, fletcher, And thanks again

For a wonderful, Lovely evening.

The pleasure Was all mine.

Pleasure? What pleasure?

Don't start with me!

What--

Mama, you were Kissing that man.

So?

Well, you're my mother.

Moms aren't supposed To do that stuff.

If mothers didn't Do that stuff,

You wouldn't Be here.

But--but...

I think I'm getting a headache.

Carl, honey...

Fletcher's A good man.

He enjoys My company,

And I enjoy his.

That's good, mama, Really good.

I'm happy for you.

Bless you.

You're a sweetheart.

Fletcher thomas.

You sure that's His real name?

Yeah.

I'll run A make on him.

Hi, laura.

Hello, greg.

You okay?

No. It bugs me Steve's the only guy

Who has guts to Stand up to willie.

Yeah.

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Alright!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Urkel! Urkel! Urkel!

Urkel! Urkel! Urkel!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Rachel, did steve like The robe we made him?

Yes. He was Really touched.

After the fight, he wants To be buried in it.

[ding ding ding]

Ladies and gentlemen, What we got here

Is a three-round Grudge match.

In this corner,

Weighing in At 142 pounds,

"Hurricane" Willie fuffner!

Boo! Boo! Hiss! Hiss!

And in this corner,

At 97 pounds Soaking wet,

Steve "The iron man" urkel!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Alright, gentlemen, You hear the bell,

You come to the center Of the ring,

You touch gloves, You commence fighting.

[ding]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

He lasted longer Than I thought.

1...2...

Steve, steve.

Not now. I'm busy.

Stay away from him. Try the urkel shuffle.

Right.

Alright!

Yay! Oh, yeah! Yay!

Come on, baby.

Yay!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

1!

2...

Steve! Keep going!

I--I can't.

He broke my shuffle.

Steve, I think we should Throw in the towel.

No way. If I can Hit him once with All my might

Why, I'll drop him Like a bad habit.

Come on! Fight!

Uhh!

Uh-oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

1!

Steve!

2!

Laura.

Oh, there's Three of you.

Oh, the world doesn't Deserve such riches.

Steve, don't get up. Stay down.

Don't worry, My little--

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

We'll talk later.

Yeah!

1!

Steve, stay down!

Stay down!

Oh, what did you say?

She said, "Stay down!" She said, "Stay down!"

Alright, fuffner.

Quit stalling.

Where are you, huh?

And now take that

And a little Of that, too.

Hold it!

Willie, I'm tired of you Pushing us around.

If urkel can stand up To you so can I.

So after you finish him, You're gonna have to fight me.

After?

And then me!

And then me.

Come on. I can take you all on.

What you going To do now, willie?

Run.

Me, too, willie.

Ladies And gentlemen,

The fight's over.

Yes!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Steve, are you okay?

Huh?

I seem to be Alright.

I don't seem To be hallucinating

Or experiencing any other Signs of a concussion.

Ohh.

Laura, if you Still want me

To go to the dance With you, I'd like to.

Thanks, but I've decided To go with my champion.

Steve, will you go with me to The sadie hawkins day dance?

Oh, no. I was wrong.

I am hallucinating.

Ladies And gentlemen,

The winner By a principle,

Steve "Iron man" Urkel!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!