Original subtitles

Ooh, these will make Great earrings.

Man, fishing in alaska. I wish I was going.

Yeah, me too. Then I can have your room.

Okay, kids. Come on, Lets load up the car.

Carl, I'm worried About those tiny planes.

One big gust of wind, And you're kissing a glacier.

Risk and adventure is the whole Point of a trip like this.

Still I wouldn't go All by myself.

Well, I'm off.

With all that dumping, I hope The fish are still jumping.

* it's a rare condition In this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must Be some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* but we'll smother the blues With tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts And opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

I think you'll like This neighborhood.

Friendly, Family kind of folks.

Hmm. No wild parties?

Nope.

Darn, and I just Unpacked everything.

Harriette, there's a car At the old hansen place.

I guess some sucker Finally bought That old shack.

Oh, hi.

Carl, this is Loretta mckay.

I'm the sucker Who bought the shack.

Well, I was just kidding.

It's a fine place.

Slap a roof and a floor On that baby,

And bingo, You got a house.

Uh, carl usually puts His best foot forward,

Instead of in his mouth.

Well, sit down. Let's sit down.

If there's anything I can do to help--

Actually, there is.

Oh?

Her hot water heater Isn't working.

Does it Have a resume?

I could ask around.

What can I say? I'm blessed With wit.

Come on, loretta. Let's have a look.

And I'll Make dinner.

Welcome to the Neighborhood.

Thanks for the Coffee, harriette.

You have A lovely home.

Want to trade?

For that old Shack? Ha ha.

You know, I really appreciate This, carl.

Hey, My pleasure.

Harriette told me How wonderful you are,

But she didn't mention You're incredibly Handsome, too.

Hee hee hee hee.

Hi. You ordered A root beer?

You got a sec, My little pita pocket?

Steve, I'm working.

And the sight Is sheer poetry.

When you sling hash, The angels sing.

What do you want, Steve?

I have A present for you.

"The star registry"?

I've arranged to have A star named after you.

Celestial object Number d42750-b-6218

Shall now And forevermore Be called "Laura."

Really? That's kind of neat.

It's only natural That a heavenly body

Be named after A heavenly body.

Thanks, steve.

I have to admit I'm touched.

Really, My little supernova?

Enough to engage In a little lip wrestling?

Pin me, baby.

I'd rather Kiss a flagpole On a winter day.

Can you believe him?

I think He's sweet.

Excuse me?

And cute. Excuse me?

You're so lucky.

I wish steve urkel Liked me.

Don't go away. I'll be right back.

Steve, We need to talk.

Let's sit down.

What's on your mind, My cute little comet?

Steve, how long Have we known each other?

Nine years, Three months,

Two weeks, Four days,

Six hours, Eight minutes,

And 14 seconds,

15 seconds,

16 seconds--

The whole time We've known each other,

You've been pestering me, Hoping I'd fall in love With you.

It's my most Cherished dream.

Well, wake up.

It's not going to happen.

There's always hope, Laura.

What if we're stranded on A desert island together?

I'm a strong swimmer.

What if I was The last man on earth

And you were The last woman?

Mankind would end with us.

So what are you Trying to say?

I'm saying that I will never, never,

Ever, ever Fall in love with you.

Laura, that concept's Hard to grasp.

Okay, then try this.

A girl over there Thinks you're sweet And cute.

Whoa, that concept's Even harder to grasp.

Come on.

Uh-uh.

Come on.

Susie, steve urkel.

Steve, susie crenshaw.

I'm just A third wheel here,

So I'll just be, uh...

Hi.

Hi.

Laura, is steve Actually sitting With another girl?

Yeah. That's susie.

She actually Likes steve.

Excuse me?

I got them together,

Hoping They'd hit it off.

Then maybe He'd stop bugging you.

That's the plan, But I don't Expect it to work.

Did you know an elephant Can be pregnant Up to two years?

Did you know Ancient egyptians Shaved their eyebrows

To mourn the death Of their cats?

Gee, I wonder What they shaved When a relative died.

So me and my partner Burst through the door,

And there we are, Standing face to face

With A united states senator And his mistress.

Whoo. Did you Recognize him right away?

Not till he took off The zorro suit.

Oh, carl, you tell The most wonderful stories.

I've lived quite a life.

Want to come in And say hi to harriette?

I've monopolized too much Of your time already.

But thanks for looking At my water heater.

My pleasure.

I'm just sorry I couldn't fix it.

Oh, and I'm really sorry about That little explosion.

Oh, don't worry.

That wall needed To be knocked out anyway.

Well, see you later, Loretta.

Uh, I hope it's Not too much later.

Hee hee hee hee.

Carl.

What?

Do you know What time it is?

Uh...7:30...8:00.

It's 9:06.

You know The old saying--

Time flies when You're having--

To fix A water heater.

Do you realize You missed dinner?

Well, yeah, but, uh--

I made flank steak,

Mashed potatoes,

And butter beans.

Oh, honey, good.

I'm starved.

I ate it all.

Oh.

Well, I'll Have a pop tart.

Why didn't you call?

Well, harriette, She just moved in.

She doesn't have The phone hooked up yet.

You could Have walked over.

All the way back--

I should've Done that.

I should've Done that.

You do realize What's happening Here, don't you?

I think so.

We're having An argument,

And you ate My dinner.

Carl winslow, you Are the most naive man.

That woman wants you.

For what?

For the same reason That senator was Wearing that zorro suit.

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

Harriette, You're way off base.

I'm a woman. I know about these things.

I'm a man. I sense them.

Loretta mckay Isn't after me.

She thinks of me

As a tip-top, Number-one, Fix-it guy.

It's not her Water heater

She's looking To get fixed!

Well, Where you going?

To finish off The pop tarts!

Steve, look.

Oh, yeah, sweet knees, It's our table.

Excuse me.

Thank you, steve.

That's okay It was my turn.

Steve, you're 15 minutes Late for work.

I had to cover Your tables.

Sorry. I was shopping With my suse.

I only introduced You guys a week ago,

And already She's your suse?

Laura, I'm busy, okay?

Okay, my little Crepe suzette,

It's time for Your daily present.

Steve, a locket.

It's beautiful.

Only when You wear it.

Oh, urkie.

Oh, please.

Laura?

You okay, honey?

I'm fine.

Oh, good. 'cause For a moment over there,

It looked like you Were a little jealous.

But that's silly, right?

Right.

Mother winslow, What time is it?

One minute later Than the last time You asked me.

Carl's been at loretta's Over an hour.

How long can it take To fix a leaky faucet?

Carl's doing it, So it might take Two, three months.

You're upset With him, Aren't you?

A little.

I could tell. For the past week,

You been eating up All his favorite foods.

Mother winslow, I'm worried about Loretta mckay.

I don't Blame you.

That floozy's Trying to steal Your husband.

You think so, too?

I've seen Her kind before.

She's A man-burglar.

Should I lock up carl Or knock loretta Upside the head?

No, you do Something else,

Something Much harder.

What's that?

Honey, you trust Your husband.

Hello, steve? Sorry to get you Out of the shower.

Could you come over Tomorrow morning?

We need to talk. It's no big deal,

But I'd feel better If I get it--

I would've Been here sooner,

But my mom made me Put on a towel.

What did you want To talk to me about?

You and the suse.

Ohh.

Is it possible That the green-eyed Monster of jealousy

Is rearing Its ugly head?

Actually, it was.

Aha!

For a second.

Hmm.

When you called Susie pet names And gave her gifts--

You were willing To do anything, Even murder,

To win me back.

Steve, I'm talking.

Oh, sorry.

Pay attention Because this is Hard to explain.

Steve, ever since We've met,

You've been Like a...Whining, Buzzing mosquito.

I keep swatting At you,

But you refuse To be squashed.

That's me-- The unsquashable urkel.

Then you started Buzzing around susie.

And for a second, I actually almost missed

Your obnoxious, Grating presence.

Then I came to my senses And asked you over

To tell you I'm happy For you and susie.

In fact, you guys Are the perfect couple.

Oh, well, Actually...

We're An ex-couple.

Say what?

Well, a week ago,

Susie was a shy, Fragile flower Afraid to open.

But I applied a Generous sprinkling

Of urkel Miracle grow,

And lo and behold, She blossomed.

And I'm proud to say An hour ago,

I introduced susie To the captain Of the chess club.

What? You went Through all that trouble

Bringing her Out of her shell

Just to lose her To doyle easterwood?

That was my intention All along.

However, My masterful plan

Seems to have had a...

Serendipitous Side effect.

You missed me.

For a second.

Long enough To give me hope.

I love you, Laura.

Go home, steve.

Ah, yes! Music to my ears.

How about a movie Friday?

Drop dead.

Talk to me, baby. Let's seal it With a kiss.

I'd rather throw up.

Ah, yes! Bang! Zap! I'm on fire!

Fortunately, I have a cold Shower waiting.

Ah, yes! The smell Of fresh door In my face!

Well, here we are.

Thank you For walking Me home...Again.

Thank you for looking At my leaky faucet.

My pleasure.

I'm sorry I couldn't fix it.

And I'm real sorry About that Little flood.

Hey, I always Wanted a jacuzzi.

Oh!

I brought this all The way over here

And almost forgot To give it to you.

Oh, what's this?

Just A little thank you

For all the things You tried to fix.

Oh.

Musical underwear?

Yeah!

They play only you By the platters.

I hope you don't Already have them.

No, no.

This is My very first pair

Of singing underpants.

Oh.

Whew.

You know, loretta,

This is an awfully Personal gift.

Are you embarrassed?

Well, a little.

Would you like To come over To my place

And try them on?

Say what?

You know, Model them for me?

Am I making you Nervous?

Oh, no, no.

Ooh!

A little.

Carl, don't you think I'm attractive?

Oh, I think You're very Attractive...

Very, very Attractive.

Stay there.

Carl, what's the matter?

Loretta, I'm a married man.

Yeah?

Doesn't that Bother you?

I just thought We could have A little fun.

Now, loretta, Stop that.

Look, I can't Cheat on my wife.

I'm sorry.

You're just going To have to find yourself

Another handyman.

Too bad.

Your loss.

Hi, honey.

Carl.

So. Did you fix Whatever loretta wanted?

Sweetheart, You were right.

That woman Made a pass at me.

And?

Hey, I shut her Down cold.

Oh. Really?

Yeah. Go ahead, Dust her body For fingerprints.

You won't find mine.

I'm glad.

Oh, sweetheart...

Look, I'm sorry I made you worry.

You tried to warn me About loretta,

But I didn't Listen to you.

I guess I underestimated my Irresistible charm,

My killer Good looks,

My awesome Animal magnetism.

Let's face it. The woman would have Jumped a scarecrow.

Harriette?

Well, honey,

What's The matter?

Harriette.

Well...

I guess I'm just relieved.

Loretta's An attractive woman,

And I was scared, Well,

That you'd give Into temptation

And that... I'd have to kill you.

Sweetheart, Listen to me.

You are The only woman

That I'll ever want Now and forever.

Oh, carl.

[music plays]

* only you *

* can make this world Seem right *

* only you *

[music stops]

Was that music Coming from your pants?

Let's Go upstairs.

I'll explain it To you.

[music plays]