Original subtitles

Thanks for lettin' me Practice on you steve.

I really wanna ace This first aid class.

No problemo, eddo.

I have a lot of personal Experience in first aid.

I got a nose bleed at birth.

My doctor slapped The wrong end.

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go Get the plaster.

No rush. I'm a patient patient.

He-he-he! [snorts]

Carl! Big guy.

My buddy with the badge.

My pal on patrol.

How was your day On the mean streets?

Cops and robbers. Good guys, bad guys.

Heroes and hairballs.

The man who risk his--

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill Our house with happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you, Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Ohh.

Well?

Well, what do you think?

Mom, you look hot.

Thank you, honey.

Harriette, you'll sweep carl Right off his feet.

Well, carl and I haven't had A romantic dinner date

Since the carter Administration.

Harriette!

Harriette.

Feast your ever-lovin' Eyes on these.

Tickets to le miz?

Better.

Janet jackson?

M.C. Hammer?

No.

The black hawks And the penguins!

Hockey?

Yeah!

And look where We're sitting--

Right behind The goalie.

Great.

We'll dodge pucks All night.

Yeah!

Uh...

You're not wearing That, are you?

No, I'll slip into Something more comfortable...

Like a helmet And shinguards!

Gee, thanks, babe.

You won't regret it.

You'll have A great time,

Especially when they start Beating each other up!

Hustle up, babe, okay?

I'm married to the most Wonderful woman in the world.

[bell rings]

Wait! Don't give me a tardy!

Hi, laura!

Waaa!

I pledge allegiance To the flag

Of the united states Of amer--

We only do that When I hold the flag!

Good morning, Miss steuben.

Good morning, steven.

Miss steuben!

Now, take your seat.

Carefully.

Hi, laura.

Hi, steve.

Alright, class.

Today we're going to--

Excuse me. I need a moment.

I'm all set, miss steuben.

Teach me!

Thank you.

Oh. Alright.

Countries...

Cities...

Neighborhoods.

Now...

All of these Are built upon

Smaller social units, Like the family.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ohh! Ohhh!

Yes, yes, Yes, steven.

Actually, miss steuben,

Current geopolitical constructs Are much more complex

Than your simplistic Concentric circle model

Would have us believe.

Fengler's point--

My point is

That the family Is the center

For all Social interaction.

Ahem.

And the foundation For most families

Is marriage, so...

Oh...

For the next...

Two weeks,

The class will be Paired off

Into Married couples.

You'll all Have to figure out

How to live On a budget.

You will make Decisions about jobs,

Homes, children.

And each of you Will grade your partner.

Do we get to pick Who we marry?

Write down your Top three choices.

I'll try and pair Everyone up.

The names of The happy couples

Will be posted Tomorrow.

Heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh.

Hee hee hee.

Hee hee hee.

Whoo hee whoo hee.

Steven, you cannot put The same name three times.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, honey. How's your head?

How do you think?

I got hit By a hockey puck.

That was a great stop.

You deserved That standing ovation.

Oh, carl, I called chez josephine's,

And we're confirmed For 8:00 tonight.

Oh. Oh, babe, I'm sorry.

I meant to call you.

There's been a little Change in plans.

Now what?

You remember joe hitchborn, Traffic control?

Shy guy, Couldn't get a date?

Yeah?

They switched him To hooker patrol.

He's getting married This weekend.

Oh, my lord. Just picture The bridesmaids.

The guys decided To throw him a bachelor party.

Mind if I go?

It's up to you, Carl.

Thanks, babe. You are the best.

Don't wait up.

Harriette, how could you let Carl get away with that?

What was I Supposed to do,

Beg him to take me To dinner?

Carl is my son,

And in my eyes, He can do no wrong.

But he's Your husband.

You should have Knocked him

Into the middle Of next week.

Look, I'd like carl To be more romantic,

But I can't force it Out of him.

You know, he used To send me flowers

For no reason at all,

And he'd leave me funny little Notes around the house.

He'd even call me Four times a day

Just to say He loved me.

He doesn't do Those things anymore.

Well, harriette, doesn't That make you angry?

No.

It makes me scared.

Look who you got.

Eddie, eddie!

Laura, I got him!

For the next Two weeks,

I am mrs. Mark healy. Yes!

Who did I get, Derek or jeff?

I was so excited I forgot to look.

Spread out! Spread out! Spread out!

Give my wife some air!

Mommy.

Yes, Sweetie?

I'm glad Uncle carl is back.

He didn't Go anywhere.

Yes, he did.

Aunt harriette said that He was in the dog house.

Laura, I called rachel's Place two hours ago.

Where have you been?

Just walking.

Well, sit down. You almost missed dinner.

[humming Here comes the bride]

Very funny.

What's the matter?

Lose your sense of humor, Mrs. Urkel?

Eddie, is that your face, Or did your neck throw up?

Now children, No fighting at the table.

Hi, honey. I'm home!

Laura, my little Nuptial nymph,

You're eager to begin Our life together,

But I must have a word With your father.

What is it, steve?

Well, carl, Call me old-fashioned,

But before I marry laura, I'd like your blessing.

Well, steve, I appreciate that,

But I wouldn't Stand in your way

If you two are Really really in love.

Dad!

You won't Be sorry, sir.

We urkels Are a fine family

With a proud name.

You know that in kenya, Urkel means a benign cyst

On the foreleg Of a wildebeest?

Are you ready for dessert, My crepe suzette?

Steve, I'm full. You cooked Seven meals for me today.

It would have Been eight,

But I didn't like the smell Of that sushi.

I finished The housework.

Deep in your fridge,

I found a fascinating Mold specimen

Thriving on an ancient Cheese wheel.

Go home.

Not yet.

This is our last night Of wedded bliss.

Yeah. I've been Blowing up balloons.

[strangers in The night plays]

What are you doing?

Setting the mood, My darling.

For two wonderful weeks,

You and I have pretended To be man and wife.

Now, on this, Our last night,

We can make each other's Dreams come true...

With a kiss.

Steve, did you eat That moldy cheese?

Don't hold back.

Let yourself go.

Do what you feel.

Ooh! I felt The earth move.

Steve, we're supposed to grade Each other on this assignment,

And right now you're staring Down the barrel of an "F."

One kiss. A peck on the cheek.

A momentary Osculation.

I have a headache.

I thought you might say that, So I came prepared.

Aspirin, baby.

Steve, I want a divorce.

Go home to your mother.

My manly ardor Has frightened you.

That's okay. It Won't happen again.

I'm prepared to wait Forever if need be.

I hope you'll Accept this gift

As a memento of our Two glorious weeks.

Steve, this is Really beautiful.

1/3 karat diamond

With 1/10 the sparkle Of your lovely eyes.

This is real? Where did you Get the money?

From my Stay-away fund.

Every year, my relatives Send money

In hope that I Won't visit them.

Steve, I can't accept this.

It's too expensive.

But my Little baguette,

It was a mere $800.

$800? Are you Out of your mind?

This is A school assignment.

It's pretend. We're not married.

We're not Even dating,

And we never Will be.

But I thought You'd like--

What I'd like is for you To leave me alone.

Laura, I know I'm not worthy of you,

But I just can't Help loving you.

It's like wanting To touch a star.

You know you'll Never reach it,

But you've just Got to keep trying.

Steve,

Why do you always Say things like that?

These last two weeks Have been wonderful for me.

It's the closest I'll ever get To marrying you.

That's why I wanted you To have this.

No strings attached. Just the one to my heart.

Busy, mom?

No. Just pruning Your father...

Fern.

Something On your mind?

Yeah. Steve.

He did a good job On my oven.

Tell him we're Out of easy-off.

I can't.

He just went home.

Mom, I think I hurt steve's feelings.

What happened?

He's smothering me.

He sent me A roomful of roses.

He calls me every hour.

He waits on me Hand and foot.

A person can only take So much devotion.

You don't know How lucky you are.

Steve may not be Your dream man,

But it's wonderful when somebody Loves you that much.

Mom, he sent me An 8-foot giraffe.

It's not funny.

I'm sorry, honey.

But you got to Admit one thing--

Steve sure never Takes you for granted.

I wish he would.

I'm all urkeled out.

Well...

Steve is a pest.

No question about that.

But he adores you, laura,

And he shows it.

Being romantic is a good quality For a husband to have.

Mark healy is selfish, Conceited, and inconsiderate.

He cheated on me

With An older woman.

I caught him at the movies With a ninth grader,

So I divorced him.

Mark, I give you An f-minus.

Well...

We've learned that Not everyone is compatible.

But I'm glad to see Maxine and mark

Have resolved their Differences maturely.

Jerk!

Dweeb!

Alright. Let's move on To our last couple.

Oh. Steven, You may begin.

Obviously, laura Was the perfect wife,

Brilliant mother, Helpmate, and manager.

I'll always be proud

She was the first Mrs. Urkel.

She's an "A" All the way.

Thank you.

Laura, your grade For steven.

Well...

Steve is incredibly Annoying and a pest.

Well, you just want to Slap him all the time.

But he's also Hard-working and caring.

He really tried To make me happy.

He was a good husband.

I gave him an "A+."

Snookums!

You do love me.

What have I done?

Hi, hon.

Do I know you?

Okay.

I deserve that.

Harriette, last night...

Well, I overheard You talking to laura.

And what you said to her,

It made me realize

That I've been acting Like a jerk,

An idiot, a fool, An ignoramus.

Stop me whenever You like, harriette.

Oh, no, You're doing fine.

Harriette, you are The most important person

In the world to me,

And you always will be.

I thank god everyday That we're together.

But now it's time I start Thanking you.

I want you to put on That beautiful new dress

Because we have an 8:00 Reservation at chez josephine's.

And, sweetheart, When you walk in there,

I'd like you to wear this.

Oh, carl.

It's a little "I love you" present.

Oh, carl.

Thank you. It's beautiful.

But, sweetheart,

Not as beautiful as you.

Ooh. Sparkle city!

I know I shouldn't ask, But how much?

Well, I got a good deal.

I bought it off urkel.

He tried to bargain,

But the kid Was overmatched.

He caved in at 1,000.

Ooh, carl, That's way too much.

But he threw in a little Something extra.

[strangers in The night plays]

Worth every penny.