Original subtitles

Boy, that was great.

A family weekend In the wilderness.

No phones, No traffic.

No surprise visits From steve urkel.

Surprise!

Hi, carl.

Hi, laura, My little sweet potato.

Did you think of me while You guys were camping?

Yeah, every time I Used the bug spray.

Aww, how sweet.

Hey, carl, how come you Didn't invite me along?

Oh, gee, we wanted to steve But they were over booked.

The forest was full.

Maybe next year.

Hey, you've got some first grade Equipment here, carl.

Thanks and I'd like to keep it That way. Don't touch anything.

I'm gonna put This in the garage.

Let me get The door for you.

No, watch out for The red cord! O god!

[indistinct yelling]

Did I do that?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

*the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* when days go by *

* there's room for you *

* room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

You hungry?

Yeah.

[adding machine Running]

Wait a minute.

Are you paying bills?

No. Why?

We leave you alone When you pay bills.

You get-- What's the word?

Psycho.

That's the one.

For your information, I am doing our taxes.

Oh!

Let's get out of here.

Hi, honey.

Hey, babe, how was work?

What a day.

I'm head of security, I have keys to 300 offices,

And I lock myself Out of mine.

What's all this?

Harriette...

This year, I'm doing our taxes.

Those forms are complicated. Let a professional do it.

Are you implying that I can't Handle a simple tax return?

Sorry, honey, I didn't Mean to imply that.

I meant to say it Straight out.

Harriette, It's just too late.

I fired our accountant.

Last year, we paid him $200 To get a $100 refund.

The man is a crook.

The man is your brother.

I can do my taxes Just as well as calvin.

Please, Don't do this yourself.

Why not?

I can say it in one word-- Leavenworth.

Harriette, all you need To know how to do

Is add, subtract, And read.

All I need Is peace and quiet.

I shouldn't have told eddie his Band could practice here.

What band?

[loud music playing]

That band.

Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Edward!

Dad, don't yell. You Could damage my hearing.

You boys will have to Take this someplace else.

You're just too loud.

If it ain't loud, It ain't rock-'n'-roll.

I'm going to get my tambourine And jam with the guys.

I'm going to get me some cotton And jam it in my ears.

Hey!

What's going on here?

[eddie] Hi, aunt rachel. We're rehearsing.

No, you're not. You're leaving.

We've got to get my song Together for this video.

We're entering A contest.

The one on Chicago teen tracks?

I love that show.

We win the locals, We could get on mtv.

What's important is if We win, we get 1,000 bucks.

If you're Really serious,

I'd be happy to write You a script.

Great! You're hired.

Yes!

Now, remember...

Think hip.

Think cool.

Think fresh.

Any other Instructions?

Yeah, think fast. We need it by tomorrow.

"Think hip, Think cool, Think fresh."

I got ideas so fresh, I Haven't thought of them yet.

You know, eddie,

We decided to write This video ourselves.

How come You're changing plans?

I put this band together And wrote the songs.

Therefore, I make the decisions.

Well, this is the Winslow household,

I'm mr. Winslow,

And I say you'll make your Decisions someplace else.

Come on, dad! We're in a bind!

The video's due Monday morning.

Look, I tell you what. You can use the garage.

Thanks, dad.

Guys, move this stuff Into the garage.

Kyle, break down The drums...

Where's rodney?

We got to make This video.

The contest ends In a couple of days.

[accordion plays Lady of spain]

Steve.

Steve.

Urkel!

This is a private Rehearsal.

Perhaps I could audition.

This looks like A polka crowd.

A-1 and a-2 and-a-

[playing The beer barrel polka]

You just squeezed all the air Out of my bellows.

Steve, we don't need An accordion player.

Why, too hip?

Yeah, urkel, that's Always your problem.

Hi, guys.

Rodney, It's about time.

Where's Your video camera?

Well, I was shooting My documentary

On unsafe conditions In the girls' locker room.

Everything was fine until A couple girls jumped me.

They smashed my camera And threw me in the showers.

It was great!

Way to go, rodney.

How do we shoot a video Without a camera?

Well, you see, when we win The $1,000 we can buy a new one.

Just a thought. I'm in the School's audiovisual club,

And I can get any Equipment I need.

But since you don't Want me in your band...

I'll just take my squeezebox And go home.

Steve, wait.

How would you like To be our cameraman?

I'd be honored.

Wait, let's put this To a vote.

I vote no. Urkel's a dweeb.

Well, I vote yes.

Congratulations, Urk.

You're Our new cameraman.

Wow! Thanks for the vote Of confidence, guys.

You won't be sorry.

[loud feedback]

Now, let's see. "Subtract line 27b from line 50."

Where's 27b?

"27, 28, 28b."

No 27b.

Where are you, You stinkin' little line?

Hi, honey. How's it going?

Oh, just fine. Just fine.

You wouldn't happen to see line 27b there, would you?

On this form?

"Tax form for Government-subsidized

Poultry farmers"?

You picked up the Wrong form, didn't you?

No, I did not.

Actually, I was thinking About taking early retirement

And investing In a small flock of ducks.

There's time to get Our taxes done right.

Call your brother.

I don't want to call.

Once carl's Made up his mind,

The best thing to do

Is stand back And watch him fall.

Urkel, did you take every piece Of equipment in school?

Pretty much. I even Brought my projector

So I could show you slides Of my hernia surgery.

Guys, Here it is.

The script you've All been waiting for.

If I do say So myself, it is hip.

Listen. "A thick layer Of fog rolls in

Surrounding a silhouette Of the band."

We fade to The keyboards.

Where will we get A thick layer of fog?

Dry ice and a wind machine. I know where we can rent one.

I hate to disappoint you, But our budget's $20.

Uh-oh.

I already spent that On video tape and cheese.

That leaves me with A budget of nothing.

I can work with that. I'll Have to cut a few corners.

I guess the camels Are out.

You guys, we're going To forget about the script.

We'll just Wing it, okay?

Great. Hey, urkel.

Get shots of my killer Keyboard solo.

Get a close-up of me Twirling my sticks.

I love your ideas. Why don't you take five?

Steve, can I talk To you, please?

Amateurs.

You want To hear my ideas.

No. Here's how The video's going to go.

Start On a shot of me.

Cut to A close-up of me.

When I start dancing, Cut to my feet.

Then tilt up To include my hips.

Then cut to my face.

Is it just me, or am I detecting a theme here?

The others Won't like this.

Forget them. I'm the money.

If this band's Going any place,

It's because Of my talent.

Whatever you say.

This is going to be the biggest Bomb since howard the duck.

What are We watching?

My video, Aunt rachel.

It's all finished.

What? You shot it already?

I'm still working On the script.

Well, we decided to go A different direction.

We'll use your ideas In the next video.

Turn it up. I want to feel The bass in my face.

[rock music plays]

* my name is eddie, I'm a hip cool guy *

* the girls come a-runnin' When I give 'em the eye *

* my name is eddie, And I'm headed for fame *

* party and fun's The name of my game *

* I am the winslow king *

* unh *

* so come, all you girls *

* and hear me sing *

* 'cause I'm the new king *

I can't believe it!

Me either. Man, this video Is more than cool.

It's hype. No, it's def.

Man, this is super bad!

You got The bad part right.

Urkel, what Were you doing?

The camera was on eddie The whole time.

Uh, you wann feel This one big guy?

All you could see Was my right foot.

At least, you Were in it.

Urkel, you screwed Up big.

Hey, I was just following Eddie's instructions.

Exactly what were Eddie's instructions?

Keep the camera On him

And forget about The other meatheads.

Uh, his words, Not mine.

Eddie, you got an attitude Problem, man.

I'm walking.

I'm walking, too.

Can, uh, You give me a lift?

Oh, oh, oh, fine.

Go ahead.

We're better off Without them.

Their egos were getting Way out of control.

You're the one who's getting Out of control, man.

This is supposed to be A band, not a one-man show.

I quit.

What's wrong with them? The video was great.

You liked it, Right, laura?

It stunk.

On ice.

No, you're just jealous 'cause you weren't in it.

No one was in it, Except you.

You can't blame them For walking.

That wasn't A rock video.

That was A love letter

To eddie winslow From eddie winslow.

Like they say, if It ain't on the page,

It ain't On the stage.

What did you think, Grandma?

Eddie, you know I love you,

And I'd never say Anything to hurt you.

Goodnight.

Okay, now...

All I do is subtract Line 17 from line 11.

There. Our taxes are done.

We only owe The government $94,000.

Hi.

How are Our taxes coming?

Harriette, It is a disaster.

We have hit bottom.

You wouldn't believe how much Money we owe the government.

Carl, you've Suffered enough.

We've all Suffered enough.

Here.

Well, what is this?

Our taxes.

I went back To your brother.

After I specifically Asked you not to?

Mm-hmm.

How could you do this To me, harriette? How?

Carl, we're getting A $700 refund.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! I love you! Thank you!

So, how you doing?

Okay.

Uh...

Steve...

Could we be alone?

Sure. Eddie, would you mind Stepping outside

For a second, please?

No, steve. I'd like To be alone with eddie.

Ohh, I get it.

A father and son moment.

I'll just tiptoe Out of here.

Really, I'm fine. I'm fine, really.

Ah!

[crash]

Don't worry. It's just a scratch!

I really blew it, Huh, dad?

Well, hogging the spotlight Like you did

Wasn't exactly the best thing You could do.

But I'm the lead singer.

I mean, I did write the song.

Well, son, That may be true,

But being in a band's A group effort.

That means Everyone's included,

Even though It was your song.

When a man decides To go on an ego trip,

He usually ends up Traveling alone.

So what Should I do now?

Apologizing to rodney And the rest of the guys

Would be nice For starters.

That's a good idea.

And who knows?

Maybe you can even Resurrect your band.

No, kyle's gone solo, And jerry went with him.

So much for my career As a rock star.

Well, son, We all make mistakes.

The important thing Is that we learn from them.

Thanks, dad.

Uh, excuse me.

I forgot my tripod.

Just keep bonding. Keep bonding.

You won't even know I'm here.

Oops.

Does eddie still Have an attitude

About missing That video gig?

Yeah. He's still a man Without a band.

Major bummer.

But, you know, I've been thinking.

With the talent We have here,

We could help eddie Make a new video

And enter the contest.

Good idea. It could be fun,

And we might win $1,000.

I'm in.

Sounds good To me.

Rachel, what about you?

I don't know.

Eddie's very difficult To work with.

Eddie, I'm glad You're here.

Son, what do you say

About the whole family Making a video?

Okay, but only On one condition.

See, what did I tell you?

I want aunt rachel To rewrite the lyrics.

I'd be happy to.

I love working With this guy.

Wouldn't it be great To finish in the top five?

Are you kidding? We gonna win This thing.

We got this puppy Locked up.

That was our second place Finisher--

The toxic argyles From whitefish bay.

Well, this is it.

Number one video's Next.

Mom, we don't Have a chance.

All the finalists Have been heavy metal.

Who cares If we didn't win?

The family All had fun.

And now...

Our grand prize winner,

$1,000 goes to...

The rappin' winslows!

Yay! Yay! Aah!

Oh. Look, Look, look.

* 1, 2, 3, 4 *

* if you're thinkin' You'd like to be a rap star *

* I got a personal tip That will help you get far *

* hey, listen to your friends And family, too *

* 'cause they're the ones That really care about you *

* let us thank Our lucky stars *

* for the love we share Each day *

* now, I'm the dad, I make all this happen *

* harriette, I'm sick and tired Of all of this rappin' *

* oh, honey, hold on, Let eddie sing *

* he's gonna be a big star And buy us everything *

* so when you've got a problem That's complicated *

* follow my tip And never be deflated *

* no matter how hip Or slick or cool *

* listen to your family, Don't be a fool *

* let us thank Our lucky stars *

* that god Has blessed our day *

* we are a family *

* we do things together, Not separately *

* we are a family *

* we share all we've got, And that's easy to see *

* 'cause we are a family *