Original subtitles

Screwdriver?

Screwdriver.

Pliers?

Pliers.

No, no, no, no, Eject, eject, eject.

I found your problem.

Your shielded cable is crossed With your power line.

But don't worry, I fixed it.

Alright, let her rip, carl.

[buzzing]

Did I do that?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you *

* room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Hi, everybody.

Got anything In the fridge?

Urkel, don't your Parents feed you?

Not every day.

[clears sinuses]

Urkel,

Cut it out.

Sorry.

Just a little phlegm.

Anybody else hungry?

Not anymore.

Ooh, anchovy paste!

I have to keep My blood sugar up.

I haven't eaten Since breakfast.

What about lunch?

Well, actually, I haven't eaten lunch.

Every day In the cafeteria,

I'm accosted by this bully Who takes all my money.

So don't give it To him.

You don't know Bull wesson.

He'll rip off my face

And add it To his collection...

Unless, of course, I had a big friend

To protect me,

A big, strapping kid

Who could Scare this guy away.

You know anybody Big like that, big guy?

Oh, no.

There's no way that I'm going to be seen

Hanging around With you.

I'll pay you.

How much?

10 bucks.

10 bucks, huh?

Okay, steve, I'll do it.

Great!

Once bull sees That you're my bodyguard,

He'll leave me alone.

Protecting one seventh grader From another--

This is gonna be the easiest 10 bucks I ever made.

Great. I guess I'll go home And make myself a sandwich.

You haven't lived till You've had anchovy paste

On a dog biscuit.

Heh heh.

[snort]

I've got an extra Red sock.

I got an extra Green one.

Close enough.

Carl can wear these For christmas.

Quick, Turn on the tv!

What's going on?

I'm on the news.

Hey, kids, Come on downstairs!

Channel 13.

The suspect was african..

Hey, dad, What's up?

Dad's on The news.

So tell us what happened, Sergeant winslow.

Well, I went into the bank To get change for a dollar.

And then I noticed everybody Was standing like this.

That's when you knew There was a holdup?

It was either that, or they Were playing simon says.

[both laughing]

So that's when you arrested The suspect for bank robbery?

No, for cutting in front Of me in the line.

[both laughing]

He's funny,

And I'm nick murphy Reporting for channel 13.

Hi, mama.

Hi, carl.

My son's a star.

I hope the girls in my Canasta club were watching.

You look great On tv, dad.

Thanks. Channel 13 Thought so, too.

That's why they're Giving me a tryout

As their afternoon Traffic reporter.

Oh, that's great, carl!

Hey, and if I do well On friday's four o'clock news,

The job is mine.

Wow!

Does that mean you're

Giving up being A police officer?

Well, no, mama. It's just a part-time thing

That somebody from The police department does.

This is exciting, Having dad on tv.

Yeah. It's just like When charlie brock's father

Was on television.

It's hardly The same thing.

Charlie brock's Father was indicted.

You know, carl, the last traffic Officer on channel 13 was funny.

Now, if you're going To replace officer bud,

You're gonna need some jokes and A new name.

Well, what's wrong With carl?

I don't know. It just doesn't pop.

It doesn't sizzle.

Carl doesn't Say traffic.

It says...

Farm report.

Rachel, carl was my Great-grandfather's name.

And there's no way that I'm going to change it.

Your great-grandfather's Name was lester.

Carl was his horse.

I had my first allergy Attack when I was nine.

I was on the bus On the way to day camp

When all of a sudden my Eyes started to water,

And I started coughing Up all this green stuff,

Or was it yellow?

Mucus comes In so many colors.

Steve,

I'm trying to eat.

What did I say?

Look, this bully Is not going to show.

He probably saw me And got scared off.

Mission accomplished.

Pay up.

Well, I guess it's okay.

Here's 10 bucks.

Thanks, eddie.

What?

No tip?

Man, I watched You eat.

Sorry. I tried to keep My mouth closed.

Hey, rod.

Want to hang With me this afternoon?

I'd rather eat dirt.

You should try sand.

It's a lot Less binding.

Hey, rat face!

Hi, bull.

What a pleasant Surprise.

Gee, I'd love To schmooze,

But you caught me At a bad time.

Sit down. Give me my money.

I don't have it.

You don't have it?

Uh, no.

I want double Tomorrow.

And just to refresh My memory,

What happens If I don't pay?

Oh, yeah.

It's all coming Back to me now.

See you tomorrow, Little four-eyed twerp.

Bull.

What?

Uh, I'm not Paying you anymore.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

What did you say?

I'm not paying you.

No one has ever Said no to bull wesson

And lived.

No.

I'll see you here after School tomorrow, shrimp.

You pay me then,

Or we fight!

Urkel, you can't fight That guy, he's a psycho

He'll kill you.

I maybe small But I'm wiry.

He can give me his best punch And I can take it.

Okay, urk.

Ow.

I think you Broke my arm.

- mama. - uh-huh?

I don't know why anybody Would want my autograph.

I'm not a tv star yet.

Oh, don't worry, son, You will be.

Ooh, joyce is Gonna love this.

She's gonna put It right next

To her autograph picture Of "Will it scar."

Okay, carl,

Time to rehearse Tomorrow's traffic report.

Well, rachel, I just thought I'd wing it, you know?

See, that's A big mistake.

You got to be Prepared. Here.

I wrote some One-liners covering

Every possible Traffic condition.

Rachel, carl has Enough to worry about.

He doesn't need Your help.

Hey, I'm a professional Writer.

A couple of jokes Wouldn't hurt, harriette.

That's right, And this is funny stuff.

Listen.

"There's an accident On the expressway.

"Paramedics are On the scene.

"And speaking of Medical personnel,

"A guy walks into The doctor's office.

"The doctor says, I've got Good news and bad news.

"The good news is you've Got 48 hours to live.

"The guy says, What's the bad news?

"The doctor says, I forgot To call you yesterday."

[laughing]

What has that got To do with traffic?

Look, harriette, I know what I'm doing.

Show business Is my life.

Go ahead, carl, Try one.

Oh, okay.

Take the stage.

"There's a stalled car On the expressway,

"And it's smoking badly.

"And speaking of smoke,

"What do smokey the bear, Catherine the great,

"And billy the kid Have in common?

They all have the same Middle name--the."

[laughing]

Well, don't you get it, Harriette?

Yeah, I get it.

I just don't want it In my living room.

Then urkel told bull he wasn't Gonna give him any more money.

Bull's going To kill him!

Come on.

Nobody's going To get hurt.

We're talking about Two seventh graders.

Yeah, but bull's been In the seventh grade

Since the carter Administration.

Get real.

No. I saw him, Eddie.

He's at least 17, And he's mean.

They don't call him bull because He works for merrill lynch.

You know, in A strange sort of way,

I think I just Might miss urkel.

Hi, guys.

Forget I said that.

Laura, This is for you.

I want you to have something To remember me by.

It's not alive, Is it?

No. It's a necklace.

I was going to give it to You on our wedding night,

But it looks Like I'll be dead.

Urkel...

What is this?

My retainer.

I had it bronzed.

You see that little lump Right there in the front?

Well, it's a sesame seed. I never could dislodge it.

I'll treasure this.

Any chance I could Get a kiss goodbye?

Urkel, I'm wearing Your teeth.

That's enough.

Steve, you don't stand A chance against this guy.

I don't see what getting Beat up is gonna prove.

That's because you don't know What it's like being small.

No one's ever Called you shrimp.

Big guys have Never played keep-away

With your hat On a cold day.

During The class picture

You don't have to sit with The girls in the front row

And hold up The class sign.

And most of all, you don't Have to deal with bullies.

I mean, I'm a fast Runner, eddie,

But sooner or later,

You just got To stop running.

Dad, can I talk To you for a second?

Sure, son. What's on your mind?

Well, tomorrow after School, at leroy's,

Steve urkel's Going to get beat up.

What did he do?

Nothing.

There's just this big guy Who doesn't like him

And he keeps taking His lunch money.

Urkel finally decided To stand up to him.

So now you want To get involved?

Dad, I don't know.

Is that the right Thing to do?

Well, it might be.

Urkel doesn't strike me

As a guy who can Defend himself.

So you're saying that I should Step in?

Not necessarily.

So you're saying I should Let urkel fight his own fight?

I didn't say that.

Dad, is it me,

Or are you not Making any sense?

Son, look, It's very simple.

You're dealing With a bully here.

And most bullies Are cowards at heart.

That's why they Pick on little guys.

So if a big guy like yourself Stands up to a bully,

They usually back down.

So you're saying That if I just show up,

The guy might see me And chicken out?

I didn't say that.

Dad, I don't get it.

I mean, should I Defend urkel or not?

Well, that depends.

On what?

On whether or not you believe

There are people out there Who should be protected

Because they can't Protect themselves.

Do you believe that?

I sure do.

That's why I became a cop.

Look, eddie, I know you came to me

For a simple yes or no answer,

But I honestly Can't give you that

To tell you whether You should get involved

In somebody else's Fight or not.

That's a judgment call you're Gonna have to make on your own.

I just want to do the right Thing.

I know That you will.

There are chances Of dry showers

Throughout The tri-state region.

Oh, oh, come on, guys! Come on, this is it!

Connie toyota Is doing the weather.

Traffic is next.

I hope carl comes to his senses And dumps those stupid jokes.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm so excited.

The last time I saw carl perform,

It was in A school play On dental hygiene.

He played Mr. Tooth decay.

Okay, we got 30 seconds to air, Carl, how you doing?

Just great. I got a million Traffic jokes. Wanna hear one?

Jokes? Didn't Anyone tell you

That's what got Officer bud fired?

What? But that's All I've got.

Here we go. We're ready. Let's clear the set.

And in 5, 4, 3, 2...

And now with this Afternoon's traffic report,

Here's officer Carl winslow.

Hi.

I'm officer Carl winslow

With the afternoon Traffic report.

Oh, and speaking Of traffic--

Ow!

Oh.

Sorry, connie.

Speaking of pain And suffering,

This guy asks his doctor

If he has 48 hours to live,

And his doctor says,

"You should have Asked me yesterday."

That's not right.

He's dying.

That's because He's mangling my jokes.

Anybody mind If I change the channel?

Not yet.

Come on, carl. Just be yourself.

I know you can do it.

Oh, oh, oh, I got it now. I got it now.

See, this doctor And his patient

Walk into this bar.

Psst!

Hi.

Read this.

There's An overturned tanker

On the stevenson expressway

Near cicero boulevard.

Traffic is blocked In both directions.

If you're heading Into downtown,

Take the service road.

Wait a minute, you can't Take the service road.

They're repairing that.

If you take it, you'll Be stuck for a month.

Here's your Overturned tanker.

Your best bet Is to get off at central,

Continue east Until you come to archer.

You can't miss it 'cause right on the corner,

There's a don's doughnut shop,

And if you got a minute, Drop in.

They got The best crullers in town.

Way to go, Carl!

I knew you could do it

If you'd just be yourself!

That's my son.

While I got my pen out,

Let me show you a back way Into wrigley field.

Did all you people Come here

Just to see A blood bath?

That's why I'm here. What about you guys?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve, you can still Back out, you know.

No. I've Made up my mind.

A man's got to do

What a man's Got to do.

Yeah, but what are You going to do?

Good afternoon, Bull.

You're looking Dapper as usual.

I'm going to give you One last chance, weasel.

Hand over the money.

Sorry, bull, but The bank is closed.

Ooh. Ooh.

Okay.

Nice knowing you, Dweeb.

Oh!

Hold it!

The fight's over, Bull.

This has nothing To do with you.

This is between me And the dork.

Butt out!

As long As eddie's here,

Let's be open To his input.

Bull, we all know That you're tough, man.

You don't have to Beat up urkel to prove it.

I mean, He's a small, defenseless,

Puny, pathetic, Weak, wimpy, scrawny--

Uh, eddie, Eddie, eddie.

I think you Made your point.

Okay...

He's off the hook,

But you,

You're a dead man.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ohh!

Ohh. Okay.

Alright.

I'll leave him alone.

Yeah!

Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!

Alright!

Wow!

You saved my life, Eddie!

Yeah, I did.

That means We're best friends,

Buddies, pals, Amigos, goombahs!

Steve, don't make me regret That I did this.

Oh, eddie, You were wonderful.

I'm proud of you, Eddie.

Alright, everybody, Let's celebrate!

Drinks on me!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo! Whoo!

I love you crazy guys!

Dad!

What are you Doing here?

Well, I was on my way home From the tv studio,

And I decided To stop in

For a little snack. Coffee, please.

Yeah? So how did The traffic report go?

Well, a little shaky At first,

But I got the job.

Great! Can you introduce me To connie toyota?

Well, I'm not exactly On her good side

At the moment.

So...

Did anything interesting

Happen around Here today?

Dad, you came here

To check up on me, Didn't you?

You were worried About the fight.

Fight?

Was that today?

Yeah, but I talked the bully Out of hitting urkel.

Oh, he backed down Just like I said.

No. He came after me.

I had to fight him.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

In fact, I feel pretty good About myself.

Well, son,

I'm proud of you,

But I don't Want you to think

That fighting is Always the answer.

Oh, I know that.

But it really wasn't Much of a fight.

I hit him once, And he went down.

Oh, was it that famous Winslow punch I taught you?

I don't know. I just closed My eyes and swung.

That's the one.