Original subtitles

Slaughtered you again.

I'm ahead three games to two.

I want a re-match. Hey, wait a minute.

You said I could Play the winner.

You can. It's the best 51 Out of a hundred.

Alright, that's enough. Everybody off to bed.

Just one more game. No, it's a waste of time.

Yeah. You should all go read a Book. It'll improve your mind.

Hey, someday, you'll Thank me.

Yeaahhh.

I thought they'll never leave.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Mom, I'm way behind In history.

I got to pull An all-nighter.

Fine. As long as you're In bed by 10:00.

Edward, why is your father Under the table?

Harriette, This chair is wobbly.

I know what You're thinking, carl.

But just call the shop And get it fixed.

I can do this.

All I gotta do Is even out the legs.

I guess that means we're going To get a new kitchen set.

Thank you for your overwhelming Vote of confidence in me.

Come on, edward. Let's Get back to work.

Dad, I'm tired. How about tomorrow?

Oh, I guess, we can Knock it off.

Well, you got algebra Down cold anyway.

Goodnight, einstein.

Goodnight, professor.

Laura, I'm dead.

If I don't pull at least a "C" On my midterm exam,

I'm gonna flunk algebra.

I thought dad Was a math whiz.

He is. Then, what's the problem?

I'm the one Who's taking the test.

Guess you're Out of luck.

Laura, if I flunk, Mom and dad won't let me go

To the prince concert.

You got to help me. I haven't had algebra yet.

There's only one person Who can help you now--

Steve urkel.

Urkel?

I'd rather eat worms.

He can Teach you that, too.

Rachel, I don't want To hurt your feelings,

But that log cabin Is pitiful.

Hey, give me a break.

I'm on a sugar high from eating All those popsicles.

Aunt rachel, hurry up. You're Holding up the homestead.

Honey, I'm almost done.

It took the pioneers less time To build the real thing.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, honey.

Steve, did it ever occur to you That when the door's closed,

We're trying to keep Unwanted people out?

Oh, I'd better Lock it, then.

He's such A thoughtful child.

Thanks, estelle.

Laura's Not here.

Well, actually, it was eddie Who asked me to stop by.

You're kidding.

I couldn't Believe it either.

I got so excited, I almost Stepped on my tarantula.

Ew!

Eddie's in The living room.

Thanks. Nice diorama, except For that pitiful log cabin.

Judy, why don't you have rachel Take a shot at it.

Hi, eddie.

Urkel, thank goodness You're here.

I couldn't believe You called me.

So, what are you up for? Tv, parcheesi,

A little male bonding?

Steve, I need your help.

I'm flunking algebra, And I need you to tutor me.

Well, this is My busy season.

I'm trying to teach The football team fractions.

Steve, I'm desperate. If you don't help me,

I can't go To the prince concert.

Check out these seats.

Third row.

Wow! You could Get sweated on.

Will you tutor me?

I'll give you Anything you want.

Really?

Maybe we can work Something out.

What's that?

Standardized urkel Elementary math exam.

It helps to determine How much help you need.

Okay, first question.

What do you get When you multiply

A negative By a negative?

A really big negative?

Uh-oh.

Second question.

3 times x equals 6.

What is The value of x?

I know this one.

It's either a number Or a letter.

Whoa.

This has never Happened before.

I did good, huh?

You didn't even make it Onto the chart.

Steve, tutor me.

I'll give you Anything you want.

Anything?

Name it And it's yours.

We'll just say That you owe me a favor.

In the meantime...

I'll just take these As collateral.

I would like To propose a toast

To the most brilliant Children in chicago.

You all did great On your midterms.

We're proud of you. Here, here.

Judy's teacher said

She made the best covered wagon In the whole class.

Really? What did she like Think of my log cabin?

She loved it.

I set it on fire and called it An indian attack.

Dad, why don't You sit down?

Because he doesn't Have a chair, that's why.

Carl, how's your chair Coming along?

Just great, mama.

With any luck, I'll Be sitting by breakfast.

[sniffing]

Hi, everybody. Hi, honey.

Hi, laura, My sweet.

Mmm. Steak.

You ever been down To the slaughterhouse?

It's fascinating.

One minute, moo.

The next minute, Rump roast.

He's such A well-rounded child.

Eddie, could we Speak privately?

Sure, urk.

Excuse us For a minute.

Come on, old buddy.

I got a "B." High!

Congratulations. That's great.

Wonderful. Now About my payment...

Anything, urk, anything In the whole wide world.

I want a date With laura.

What's your Second choice?

There is No second choice.

But, urkster, Be reasonable.

I want laura...

On a date...

This friday night.

Laura, I've Been thinking.

You know who's really a great Guy once you get to know him?

Steve urkel.

Urkel?

Yeah.

You two kids really Have a lot in common.

If I believed that,

There'd be No reason to go on.

Laura...

Steve was A great tutor.

Now I owe him big.

How big?

I promised him A date with you.

Really?

Are you out Of your mind?

Have a heart.

A couple of measly hours Of your time

Could make his Dreams come true.

And give me nightmares For the rest of my life.

I can't go back On my word.

You should've promised him Something you could deliver,

Like a ride On a space shuttle.

Laura...

Laura, listen to me, Please.

It's finished.

I took this baby apart And re-glued every joint,

And now this chair Is perfect.

Yeah. Now It's a recliner.

Can I ask you guys A ques--

Can I ask you guys A question?

Did you ever go out With someone

Just because you felt Sorry for them?

Sure. How do you think I met your dad?

Harriette, don't start with me. I'm having a real bad week.

My worst date was A chicken farmer.

Lucas hobbs.

He was The most pathetic man.

Always covered With feathers.

Why did you date him?

It was the depression. I needed a good meal.

Once he got me In the rumble seat,

I didn't know Whether to kiss him

Or pluck him.

Harriette, remember When I went out

With clarence bibby?

Do I ever.

Everything that boy Ever ate in his life

Was stuck To his hush puppies.

Rachel, I didn't know you're The hush puppy type?

Oh, it was a mercy date.

He was hopelessly in love With me. One of many.

So laura, honey, who's the loser In your life?

Names aren't important.

Let's just say he's A world-class nerd

With no redeeming Qualities.

Sounds like steve urkel.

It is.

Ooh. Ooh.

That's not a mercy date. That's a lord-have-mercy date.

Mercy date? Steve is a fine young man.

If I was a few years younger,

I'd give you a run For your money.

You want A head start?

So eddie, what time should I Pick up laura friday night?

Urkman. I was just Going to call you.

Laura said no.

Hmm...Who should I take To the prince concert?

One of the guys From the chess club?

Or dr. Woo, My allergist?

Hi, steve.

Hi, laura.

I don't suppose I could persuade you

To change your mind About friday night.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

I'll--

I'll go with you.

Wow! This new cologne Must really work.

Laura, you're the bravest sister A guy ever had.

This is incredible. You won't be sorry, laura.

I have a spectacular Evening planned.

We're not going anywhere

Until the ground rules Are straight.

First of all, This is not a real date.

It's a nondate.

Second, no one Must ever know

About this nondate.

Third, if you touch me At any time,

The nondate is over.

What if you trip Or something?

Just let me fall.

The rest of the rules are Covered in this contract.

"No mouth breathing,

"No snorting,

No drooling--"

Who does these things? They're disgusting.

Where do I sign?

Carl, it's taking you forever To finish that chair.

Harriette, do you want this fast Or do you want it good?

I don't think he's Got a shot either way.

Laura...

Laura.

Darn, you recognized me.

Well, it was either you Or the phantom of the opera!

Hi, everybody. Hi, honey.

Hi, laura, My sweet.

You look radiant.

These are for you.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Oh, and I got nougat On my shoe.

Oh, no problem.

I'll just wipe it Off on the curb.

Ready, my sweet? Our limo awaits.

You rented a limo?

No. Well, actually it's My uncle ernie's hearse.

He's gonna drive Us tonight.

We only have to make One quick delivery.

Let's get this Over with.

Goodnight, Everybody.

Excuse me.

Dr. And mrs. Urkel.

Just practicing.

Ah, yes.

Monsieur urkel. Right this way, please.

Don't put us near the kitchen Or bathroom, okay?

Oui, monsieur urkel.

I hate the sound Of flushing while I'm eating.

Don't you, my pet?

Excusez moi.

Whoop!

Mademoiselle.

Monsieur.

Bon appetit.

Nerd alert. Table 12.

This place is perfect. Nobody We know would ever come here.

Right. It will be Our special place.

Mademoiselle.

No. We won't be Needing those.

I ordered ahead for the Specialty of the maison.

Ah, yes.

Cuisse des grenouilles.

Excellent choice.

Steve, what did you Just order us?

Frog legs.

Are you okay?

Aah!

Watch it!

I hope their food is better Than their service.

Boy, do these guys know how To saute their amphibians.

How about some dessert? No, thank you.

Everytime we order Another course,

You bring Your chair closer.

I can't help it, laura.

I'm drawn to you Like a moth to a flame,

A bee to a blossom,

A mouse to cheese.

Check, please.

Laura, you're The most beautiful girl

In the whole world.

And I'm the luckiest guy.

I only hope this evening

Has been as magical for you As it's been for me.

Well...

It hasn't Been that bad.

Only one more thing

Could make this night Even more special.

I was just hoping--

Well, if it's not Too much trouble,

I could have one small kiss On the cheek.

That would Involve touching,

Which would be A clear violation

Of our contract.

Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking?

Why should you Lower yourself

Just because it would Mean the world to me?

Oh, urkel.

For you, it's just An insignificant gesture.

In your lifetime, you'll go out On hundreds of dates.

But for me, this could Be my one and only.

How do you like that? I've peaked at 13.

Okay, urkel. One kiss on the cheek.

Keep your hands on the table Where I can see them,

Don't move your head, And no puckering.

Thanks, Uncle ernie!

Urkel!

There was nothing in the Contract about pictures.

Now we'll have a little memento Of our night together.

That's it. This nondate is over!

Oh, but, laura, My sweets--

Bonjour.

Will somebody hand me some Marshmallows, please?

Carl, I hate to say I told you so--

Then, don't.

Hi, laura. How'd it go?

It was the most Disgusting...

It was the most Disgusting, degrading,

Humiliating night Of my life.

Oh. How was The food?

Laura, look, I know You had a bad night,

But someday you gonna look back At this night

And see how funny it is.

Maybe from Where you sit, dad.

But right now

All I can see is urkel running Out of the restaurant

With a tablecloth Tucked into his pants.

He did that?

He practically Leveled the place.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I guess It was pretty funny.

Here are your tickets.

Thanks, laura. I've been thinking.

Why don't you go to The concert with me?

You mean that?

It'll be fun.

Thanks, eddie.

Laura, you did A nice thing.

We're proud of you.

Yeah. Now look at it This way.

Now that you've Gone out with steve,

He'll probably leave You alone for a while.

[ring]

[ring]

Hello?

Hi, carl, This is steve!

You've reached The winslow residence.

There's no one home right now. So please leave a message

At the sound Of the beep. Beep!

Laura, thank you For our enchanted evening.

My cheek is still on fire From your kiss.

And now that We're a couple,

I was hoping you'd wear My medical I.D. Bracelet.

The chess club's having A weenie roast this weekend,

I put us down for two.