Original subtitles

Why is all this stuff In the living room?

Steve urkel's coming over.

He's paying me To get him in shape.

Is there any reason you couldn't Do this in your bedroom?

Yeah. You told me, "Never let him upstairs."

Good point.

Hi, eddie.

Hi, steve.

I appreciate your taking The time to pump me up.

No sweat, buddy.

Look, why don't we warm up? You ready?

Watch me.

One. Two. One. Two.

One. Two. One. Two.

That's enough.

I don't want you To hurt yourself.

This is great, eddie. I feel a pump comin' on.

Notice the difference?

Yeah. It's scary.

Um, why don't we just go Straight to some bench pressing?

Lie down.

The other way.

Okay. Now, grip the bar And do three sets of five.

Go.

Boy, this is easy.

[phone ringing]

Uh, I'll be right back.

[grunts]

Eddie!

Yo, eddie!

Eddie!

Steve.

What are you doin'?

I-I'm sculpting my body For you, my love.

How much weight Do you have there?

Pretty good.

[grunts]

Eddie! Laura!

Judy!

Eddie, buddy!

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* but we'll smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you Room for me *

* for gentle hearts And opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

What in the world possessed You boys

To bring a timber wolf Into the house?

We got the idea From you, dad.

Remember? You told us how You once kidnapped

Your rival school's Mascot.

Yes, son, But that was in The sixties.

I did it for peace.

Hi, everybody.

Boy, what a day.

The most incredible Thing happened To me today.

Hush. We're watching The buddy goodrich show.

The buddy goodrich show?

You'd rather watch tv Than talk to me?

He's on once a week. You're here every day.

I just thought You'd like to hear About my day.

See? You made me miss A big joke.

This is The top tv show?

A sitcom About a rich black man

Who adopts Two white orphans.

They're adopted?

Ohh!

Now I get it.

Come on, richie. Come on, baby.

Show mama that look That's going to Drive the girls crazy.

Come on.

Come on. Oh-- That's the one.

Mothers of america, Lock up your daughters.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

How was your day?

Unbelievable.

Really? Tell us About it.

It's nice that Everyone doesn't love The buddy goodrich show.

Oh! Did that start Already? Shoot!

Don't worry, honey. I'll take you over Buddy goodrich any day.

[laughter]

Go ahead.

I didn't know He was going To eat the duck.

That mickey is a riot.

Scoot over.

We're sorry.

I'm sorry I left The bathroom window open

And let the timber wolf Get away.

Nah, kids, It's all my fault.

I should have kept My past a secret.

Hey, don't worry. I'll take care Of everything.

I'll pay for The damages.

I'll take us To dinner.

I'll even trap A new mascot.

Dad...

You're the best dad We ever had.

Oh. That man Is wonderful.

What a great dad.

He's not real.

What does he do For a living?

He's a neurosurgeon And a test pilot.

He's so smart.

He always knows The right thing to say.

Of course he does. He has 12 writers.

I think he's cute.

I think he's sexy.

We don't just Watch this show For the laughs.

There's also A lesson every week.

And what was Tonight's lesson?

Well, buddy showed us That when kids mess up,

Parents should Think back

And see how It's really their fault.

Oh, like the time You threw the football Through the window.

That was my fault.

Hey. Who gave me The football?

Harriet. Mm-hmm.

You think the kids Might like me better

If I dressed More ivy league Like buddy goodrich?

Carl, you're not Ivy league.

You're bowling league. But don't worry.

The kids know You're a great father.

We all do.

Thanks, harriette.

I believe I'll have me A shot of mineral oil,

And then hit the sack.

I'll get it for you.

By the way, carl, Did you get good seats

For the buddy goodrich One-man show?

I've been too busy To get any tickets.

With what?

Nothing much.

Just robberies, High-speed chases, Shoot-outs.

What about Your lunch hour, honey?

Okay, mama, I'll pick up The tickets tomorrow.

And, carl, spring for Some decent seats this time.

Yeah. When you took us to see The gladys knight show,

We sat so far back, I couldn't even see the pips.

Excuse me. I was on my way To the box office.

The black convertible In the handicapped spot--

Whose car is that?

That's Buddy goodrich's car.

Really? That's his car?

Mm-hmm. Wow.

Listen, I'm pressed for time.

So would you mind telling him To move it.

I'm on a break. Sorry.

That's his dressing room Right over there.

Thanks. Yeah.

Can I help you, Officer?

Sorry to bother you

But mr. Goodrich's car Is parked in A handicapped spot.

I'd appreciate Somebody moving it.

Of course. Let me just Get the keys.

Hey, jack.

Wow! You're Buddy goodrich.

My family watches you Every week.

They think you're The greatest.

I know. I know. I know.

Gee, you're much taller On tv.

That's because On the show,

I'm always standing next to Those little runt orphans.

That is good.

I can't believe this.

Listen, mr. Goodrich, After you move the car,

Can I get your autograph For my kids?

Nobody moves the car. It stays where it is.

You got that...

Officer chubbo?

You are one funny guy.

And actually, that would Be sergeant chubbo.

But seriously, Mr. Goodrich, the car Has to be moved.

So this is the thanks I get For doing a charity gig.

I don't need this.

You know, I'm a big star.

Well, fine.

Then have your assistant Move the car.

Oh, you don't get it.

That handicapped space Is right by the stage door.

So, when I finish The show,

I can get Out of this dump As fast as possible.

Capisce?

Uh, listen, Mr. Goodrich,

If you don't Move the car,

I'm gonna have to give you A ticket

And have you Towed away.

You are going To do what?

You heard me.

Look, you don't Seem to understand?

I'm not Moving the car.

And you're not Giving me a ticket.

Am I getting through?

You know, Mr. Goodrich,

You ought not shove A police officer.

Oh, that was just Tapping.

This is shoving.

You did that again.

Yeah.

I kind of Enjoyed it.

I'm not going To tell you anymore.

You didn't like that? Then you're going to hate this.

Mr. Goodrich, You are under arrest

For assaulting A police officer.

You have the right To remain silent.

You know, That was really dumb.

You're one First-class idiot.

Oh, really? If I'm so dumb,

How come you're one Wearing the cuffs?

You have the right To an attorney

And to have one Present during Questioning.

Oh. Hi, everybody.

I'm glad you're all home. I got something To tell you.

Not now, carl. We're watching the news.

Did you hear?

Some wacko cop Arrested buddy goodrich.

Well...

I'd like to Talk about that.

Quiet, carl.

No, no, I'm still performing Tomorrow night.

Of course after the way I was roughed up

The next time I'll remember To bring a stunt man.

Oh, what a guy. He could still Laugh at a time like this.

Look, I know what happened To buddy goodrich.

Carl, please, we'd rather hear It from somebody who was there.

No, I don't know why This officer attacked me.

But my assistant roger Will verify

That it was Totally unprovoked.

I want you to know

That I don't blame The city

Or the police department.

There's only person That I hold responsible.

One bad apple.

One rogue cop--

Officer carl winslow.

It was you?

You arrested Buddy goodrich?

Well...

Yeah!

Way to go, carl.

You arrested America's favorite dad?

How could you do This to me?

To you?

Carl, I know you wouldn't have Arrested the man

Unless you had A good reason.

I wanna hear this.

Look. I politely asked The man

To move his car Out of a handicapped spot.

But he went crazy. He took a swing at me.

That's it?

That's plenty.

Look, just because The man is nice on tv

Does not mean that He's nice in person.

Dad, you busted The most popular guy in america.

I say we move.

Yeah. Let's move to canada.

I'm with you.

Alright. I didn't expect The kids to understand,

But you understand me, Mama, don't you?

Oh. Yeah, I understand.

You're in a tight spot And you're choked.

Okay, mama.

We believe you, carl. Don't we, rachel?

Of course, we do. Carl, I love you.

You're my brother-in-law. Why wouldn't I believe you?

Of course, you're not exactly Buddy goodrich's biggest fan and

Maybe you went down there With a chip on your shoulder

But basically, I believe you.

More or less.

Oh, carl, did you See the paper?

[mumbling]

It wasn't a very Good picture of you,

But it wasn't a good reason To be in the paper.

But hey, front page!

Are we going to Eat soon?

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hello.

It's buddy goodrich!

Is this The winslow residence?

Yes!

May I come in?

Yes!

Thank you. I'm, uh...

Buddy goodrich.

And you are?

I'm harriette winslow,

And these are my children--

Eddie, laura, And judy winslow.

And that's my mother-in-law, Mrs. Winslow,

And I think You know my husband, carl.

We've met.

You have a beautiful Family, carl.

Carl, how can you Arrest a man

Who says you've Got a beautiful Family?

I just came over To say how sorry I am

About what happened.

And as a token Of my feelings,

I brought some tickets To my show tonight.

Uh-uh. I'm sorry, Mr. Goodrich.

But, dad--

We can't make it.

Oh, my.

Come on!

Now, now. If that's what he says,

That's the way it goes.

Show him respect.

He's your father.

Thank you, mr. Goodrich. Thank you.

Well, I understand What you're Going through right now.

When something like this Gets into the press,

Well, there's no telling How they'll blow it up.

Hi! I'm rachel!

It's nice to meet you...

Again.

You know, I can only imagine

How proud You must be of carl.

He has a very dif--

He has a very Difficult job,

And he does it So well.

That's very nice of you, To say, mr. Goodrich.

Thank you.

I've always said what Separates us from animals

Is we have the ability

To settle our differences Peacefully.

Well, that and...

We know how to use Chopsticks.

Oh, he's wonderful.

He kills me.

So, uh, carl,

Do you think we Could speak privately?

It'll just Take a minute.

Well, I...

Okay. We can go Talk in the kitchen.

"Row a."

Whoo!

Is that good?

Thanks for Speaking with me.

Well, I, uh...

I appreciate what You said in there.

It's all true.

Carl, look.

I'd like to solve Our little problem Before I leave town.

Isn't there Something we can do?

Sure. You could Tell the truth,

Plead guilty, And pay your fine.

Yeah. That's an option.

Not what I had in mind.

It's the best I can do.

Don't be so hasty.

This will be A very tough case For you to win.

I know. I date one of The actresses on L.A. Law.

Well, you may be right, Mr. Goodrich,

But I know What happened.

Carl, do you really Want to take on America's favorite dad

In front of a jury?

Mr. Goodrich, would you Get to the bottom line on this?

Okay

I want you To come backstage After my show

For a press conference.

You change your story,

I'll praise you As a dedicated Public servant,

And we both look good.

I can't do that, Mr. Goodrich.

You see, you assaulted A police officer.

But that's not what My assistant will say

On the witness stand.

He'll say he saw The whole thing,

And you started it.

Oh, I see.

So what you're Gonna have him do is lie.

Commit perjury.

Those are such Ugly words, carl.

They're true, but still, They're very ugly.

I think It's time for you to go.

I'll see you in court.

Oh, carl, don't be So short-sighted.

Look, I've got an idea.

Just pitching here, But, um...

What if we do An episode on my show

About our Little incident?

And I hire you As a technical advisor

For a fee of, uh...

$2,000?

How's that sound?

Sounds like you're Offering me a bribe.

Ohh! Bribe!

Another ugly word.

Carl!

I am trying to do you A favor.

What is your problem?

I'll tell you What my problem is, Mr. Goodrich.

I can't shave With my eyes closed.

What does that mean?

It means that I have to Look at myself every day In the mirror.

Sure, I'd like to Get this thing over with,

But if I gave in to you,

I couldn't face myself.

I couldn't Face my kids either.

You see, mr. Goodrich,

I've always tried To teach them Right from wrong.

I'm a good father

And a good cop.

I don't back down When I know I'm right.

And I don't Take bribes from The likes of you.

Now, get out of my house.

Okay

$3,000.

Get out, now.

Okay, but you are Making a big mistake.

I am going to Bury you in court.

Hey!

Everybody!

Um, rachel, right?

Right.

Well, uh...

Got to run. Ha ha ha.

Excuse me.

It was very nice Meeting everyone.

The pleasure Was all yours.

That's good.

So, uh, really-- I really do have to run.

Mr. Goodrich.

Uh, you Forgot something.

We won't be needing These tickets.

You know--

Yes! Yay!

You know you got it!

Carl, I'm so proud Of you, son.

That is my son!

You told him good.

I sure hope this is the last day Of that goodrich trial.

These last couple of weeks have Been so tough on carl.

Yeah. I hate the way he looks In those court room sketches.

Hi, everybody.

You're back.

How did the trial go?

It's over.

They found him guilty.

Goodrich's assistant Broke down on the witness stand

And told the truth.

Goodrich fired him On the spot.

And then he punchedout His lawyer.

Is he going To jail?

No. He has to pay a big fine

And spend 100 hours Picking up trash Along the interstate.

A big star Picking up garbage.

Honey, I love it!

Now, rachel, That's not nice.

Mama's right, rachel. We shouldn't take pleasure In someone's misery.

Anybody for A slow drive along The interstate?

I'll get the camera. This is going to be great!

I'm so happy for you.

There's film in here.

Good. I want to focus.